A Vengeful Trump Strikes Out At His Enemies, Fires Vindman & Sondland During "Friday Night Massac…

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WELCOME!
WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW"!
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LAST NIGHT WAS THE OSCARS.
HOW DID YOU DO IN YOUR OSCAR POOL, JON?
>> Jon: I DIDN'T WIN MY OSCAR POOL.
>> Stephen: I THINK I WON MINE.
WE DON'T HAVE ALL THE VOTES IN YET.
I THINK I WON.
I TELL YOU HOW I CLINCHED IT.
I CLINCHED IT, THANKS TO "FORD VERSUS FERRARI"
FOR SOUND EDITING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DADDY -- BOOM!
>> Jon: YEAH, SEE?
>> Stephen: DADDY KNOWS HIS DAD MOVIES.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS AN HISTORIC NIGHT.
BONG JOON HO'S "PARASITE" BECAME THE FIRST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
EVER TO WIN BEST PICTURE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UNLESS YOU COUNT 2018'S "THE
SHAPE OF WATER," WHICH WAS FILMED IN THE UNIVERSAL LANGUAGE
OF FISH SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
NEVER ACTUALLY SAW IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) ANOTHER BIG WINNER WAS TAIKA
WAITITI, WHO BECAME THE FIRST PERSON OF INDIGENOUS DESCENT TO
WIN AN OSCAR FOR WRITING.
HE USED HIS PLATFORM TO HIGHLIGHT AN ISSUE THAT
AFFECTS US ALL: >> APPLE NEEDS TO FIX THOSE
KEYBOARDS.
THEY ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO WRITE ON.
THEY'VE GOTTEN WORSE.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO GO BACK TO P.C.'S.
>> Stephen: YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S RIGHT.
APPLE KEYBOARDS HAVE GONE DOWNHILL.
HERE'S HOW BAD TAIKA WAITITI'S KEYBOARD IS: WHEN HE STARTED HIS
CAREER, HIS NAME WAS TONY WILSON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I DON'T WANT IT NO
MORE!
GIVE ME ANOTHER KEYBOARD, SON!
>> Stephen: THE MES MEMORABLE SPEECH WAS
FROM BEST ACTOR WINNER AND NOTED VEGAN JOAQUIN PHOENIX, WHO SAID
THIS ABOUT WORKING IN MOVIES:
>> I THINK THE GREATEST GIFT THAT IT HAS GIVEN ME, AND MANY
OF US IN THIS ROOM, IS THE OPPORTUNITY TO USE OUR VOICE FOR
THE VOICELESS.
WHETHER WE'RE TALKING ABOUT GENDER INEQUALITY OR RACISM OR
QUEER RIGHTS OR INDIGENOUS RIGHTS OR ANIMAL RIGHTS.
>> STEPHEN: WELL SAID.
ANYTHING ELSE?
>> WE FEEL ENTITLED TO ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATE A COW.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, JOAQUIN, THAT
SOUNDS HORRIBLE, BUT I NEVER WENT TO ANY OF HARVEY'S PARTIES
AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OKAY?
THAT'S NOT MY SCENE.
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THE PERSON WHO STOLE THE SHOW WAS 18-YEAR-OLD GRAMMY-WINNER,
BILLIE EILISH.
THE CAMERA KEPT CUTTING TO HER IN THE AUDIENCE FOR REACTION
SHOTS TO WHATEVER THE OLDER PEOPLE WERE DOING.
LIKE HER REACTION TO A COMEDY BIT FROM KRISTEN WIIG AND MAYA
RUDOLPH: ♪ LADY IN RED ♪
>> Stephen: WOW!
OW!
OW!
>> Jon: THAT'S COLD.
>> STEPHEN: COME ON, BILLIE!
THEY'RE COMEDY GIANTS!
IF A COOL 18-YEAR-OLD DOESN'T KNOW WHO MAYA RUDOLPH AND
KRISTEN WIIG ARE, THEN-- OH.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'M ON TV EVERY NIGHT.
SURELY BILLIE EILISH KNOWS WHO I AM.
RIGHT, BILLIE?
( LAUGHTER ) WHY WOULD YOU EVEN COME TO MY
SHOW, THEN?
WHY STAND IN LINE?
WHY STAND IN LINE TO COME TO MY SHOW IF YOU CAN'T -- I DON'T --
MAKES NO SENSE.
ANYWAY, I'M A FAN.
I'M A FAN.
>> STEPHEN: THE OSCARS WEREN'T THE ONLY BIG RESULTS ANNOUNCED
OVER THE WEEKEND.
WE FINALLY HAVE THE RESULTS OF THE IOWA CAUCUS... KINDA.
THEY SAY THE WINNER WAS FORMER SOUTH BEND MAYOR PETE BUTTIGEIG,
BUT THERE ARE STILL SOME IRREGULARITIES BEING WORKED OUT.
SO IOWA DEMOCRATIC PARTY CHAIRMAN TROY PRICE CALLED A
PRESS CONFERENCE TO REASSURE EVERYBODY THAT THEY'VE GOT THIS.
>> IF THERE ARE MATHEMATICAL ROUNDING ERRORS, WHY CAN'T THOSE
BE ADJUSTED?
>> THESE SHEETS ARE SIGNED NOT ONLY BY THE PRECINCT CHAIR AND
PRECINT SECRETARY-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: AFTER THAT, PRICE GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN A FIVE
GALLON CAN OF VAN CAMP'S PORK AND BEANS AND THEN STUMBLED INTO
A WHEAT THRESHER.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IOWA IS A CAUCUS.
TOMORROW'S VOTE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE IS THE FIRST ACTUAL PRIMARY OF
THE 2020 ELECTION.
TO MAKE SURE THERE'S NOT A REPEAT OF IOWA, DEMOCRATS HAVE
HIRED A NEW ELECTION CONSULTANT TO TABULATE VOTES:
>> ONE, TWO, THREE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YEAH.
POPULAR.
VERY POPULAR.
BILLIE, DO YOU KNOW WHO THAT WAS?
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL CATCH YOU UP ON THE NEW
HAMPSHIRE NEW HAMP-ENINGS IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF:
♪ ♪
>> I HAVE A PLAN FOR THAT.
( HONKING ) >> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.
I THINK THEY WILL END UP BEING THE LOSERS
>> "FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: PEOPLE LOVE FURY
ROAD!
IT'S EXCITING, FURY ROAD!
BOOM!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GET INTO IT!
>> Stephen: THE LATEST POLLS IN
NEW HAMPSHIRE ARE ALL OVER THE MAP.
MOST SHOW BERNIE SANDERS IN FIRST, FOLLOWED BY PETE
BUTTIGIEG.
THERE WAS ONE SURPRISING RESULT, A POLL THAT NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEMOCRATS WOULD PREFER AN EXTINCTION-CAUSING METEOR OVER
TRUMP REELECTION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: HEY, NEW HAMPSHIRE DEMOCRATS, YOU OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) IT EXPLAINS WHY THEY'VE CHANGED
THEIR STATE MOTTO FROM "LIVE FREE OF DIE" TO "PLEASE LET US
DIE."
( LAUGHTER ) WITH THE POLLS RELATIVELY TIGHT,
THE CANDIDATES ARE GETTING NASTY WITH EACH OTHER, ESPECIALLY JOE
BIDEN AND PETE BUTTIGIEG, SEEN HERE COSPLAYING AS FATHER TIME
AND BABY NEW YEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ON SATURDAY, BIDEN SAID THIS
ABOUT BUTTIGIEG: >> IS THIS A ACT OF DESPERATION
ON YOUR CAMPAIGN TO BE MAKING THIS ASSERTION RIGHT NOW ON
MAYOR BUTTIGIEG?
>> OH, COME ON, MAN, THIS GUY IS NOT A BARACK OBAMA.
>> STEPHEN: IS "BARACK OBAMA" THE ONLY MEASURE OF THINGS THAT
ARE GOOD?
(AS BIDEN) "OH MAN.
THIS TURKEY REUBEN IS A REAL BARACK OBAMA.
BUT WHEN I'M DONE, LET'S HIT THE ROAD.
BECAUSE THE BATHROOM HERE IS NO BARACK OBAMA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THE STRANGEST MOMENT IN BIDEN'S CAMPAIGN RESURRECTION
TOUR CAME ON SUNDAY, WHEN A VOTER ASKED HIM THIS:
>> HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE PERFORMANCE IN IOWA AND WHY
SHOULD THE VOTERS BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN WIN THE NATIONAL
ELECTION?
>> THAT'S A GOOD QUESTION.
NUMBER ONE -- IOWA WAS A DEMOCRATIC CAUCUS.
YOU EVER BEEN TO A CAUCUS?
>> YES.
>> NO, YOU HAVEN'T.
YOU'RE A LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: WHAT'S GOING ON
INSIDE BIDEN'S HEAD WHEN HE COMES UP WITH THESE INSULTS?
(AS BIDEN) "HMMM.
LET'S SEE.
WHAT SHOULD I CALL HER?
DEVIOUS SQUIRREL-KNEED KANGAROO MAILMAN?
NO.
TRICKY CAT-FINGERED PANTHER CHEF?
NO.
LYING DOG FACED PONY SOLDIER?
GOOD ONE, JOE.
THAT INSULT WAS A REAL BARACK OBAMA."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS WASN'T THE FIRST TIME BIDEN HAS USED
THIS WEIRD INSULT.
HE HAD TO EXPLAIN IT A COUPLE YEARS AGO AT A RALLY:
>> AS MY BROTHER WHO LOVES TO USE LINES FROM MOVIES, A JOHN
WAYNE MOVIE, THERE'S A LINE IN A MOVIE, A JOHN WAYNE MOVIE WHERE
AN INDIAN CHIEF TURNS TO JOHN WAYNE AND SAYS, "THIS IS A
LYING, DOG-FACED PONY SOLDIER."
>> STEPHEN: SEE?
THERE'S A PERFECTLY REASONABLE RAMBLING EXPLANATION: JOHN WAYNE
AND "INDIAN CHIEF."
THE ONLY PROBLEM YOU COULD POSSIBLY HAVE WITH HIS PLAYFUL
DOG-FACED PONY LANGUAGE, IS THAT JOHN WAYNE'S WESTERNS DON'T
INCLUDE THAT QUOTE.
( LAUGHTER ) DOESN'T MATTER.
DOESN'T MATTER, SIR.
IF SOMEONE CHALLENGES YOU OVER THIS QUOTE, JUST REMEMBER WHAT
BRANDO SAID IN "THE GODFATHER."
"I'M GONNA MAKE HIM AN OFFER WITH A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, YOU
DAMN DIRTY APE."
( LAUGHTER ) BILLIE, YOU EVER SEE THE
GODFATHER?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TAKE SOME WRAPPER OFF THIS.
THERE YOU GO.
SO YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH BEFORE YOU ATE THE HOAGIE!
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, WE STILL HAVE A
PRESIDENT, SINCE TRUMP GOT ACQUITTED IN HIS IMPEACHMENT
TRIAL, AND NOW HE'S READY FOR REVENGE ON ANYONE HE BELIEVES
-- ( BOOING )
>> Stephen: SORRY -- TOO LATE!
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S READY FOR REVENGE ON ANYONE
HE BELIEVES WRONGED HIM.
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT IT IN OUR NEW SEGMENT "THE TRUMP IRE
STRIKES BACK."
♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ON FRIDAY, TRUMP PROVED THAT HE'S MORE SPITE THAN MAN WHEN HE
FIRED IMPEACHMENT WITNESSES GORDON SONDLAND AND ALEXANDER
VINDMAN IN A POST-ACQUITTAL PURGE.
YES, TRUMP HAS GONE FULL STRONGMAN.
HE'S MAKING A LIST OF ENEMIES AND CHANGED THE NAME OF HIS
RESORT TO "MAR-A-GULAGO."
( LAUGHTER ) THEN TRUMP PROVED THAT REVENGE
IS A DISH BEST SERVED STUPID, BECAUSE HE ALSO FIRED VINDMAN'S
TWIN BROTHER, AN ARMY LIEUTENANT COLONEL WHO WORKED AS A LAWYER
ON THE NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL STAFF.
(AS TRUMP) "IT'S ALWAYS BEEN MY FANTASY TO
FIRE TWINS... BUT THEN YOU GET --
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY FANTASIZES ABOUT FIRING TWINS, BUT THEN YOU
GET IN THERE AND THEY'RE JUST FIRING EACH OTHER.
THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
SIT IN THE CORNER AND FURIOUSLY FIRE MYSELF?"
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT IMAGE.
>> Jon: I DON'T WANT THAT.
>> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO FIRED AMBASSADOR TO
THE E.U. GORDON SONDLAND, DESPITE BEING ASKED NOT
TO BY A HANDFUL OF REPUBLICAN SENATORS.
HOW DUMB ARE THESE SENATORS?
YOU VOTED NOT TO DO THE ONE THING THAT COULD HAVE TAKEN HIM
DOWN!
THAT'S LIKE SAYING "NOW THAT WE'VE GOTTEN RID OF ALL OF THE
TOWN'S SILVER BULLETS, THAT WEREWOLF WILL REALLY LISTEN TO
US.
SIT, WEREWOLF, SIT.
AAAAAAAAH!" AAAAAAAAH!"
KILL ME!
KILL ME!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
OKAY.
I'M OKAY.
IN TIMES LIKE THIS, SOME PEOPLE MIGHT GET DEPRESSED.
BUT NOT ME.
'CAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THERE WAS ONE BRIGHT ORANGE SPOT.
THIS ACTUAL PHOTO OF DONALD TRUMP'S FACE, SEEN HERE, I'M
GOING TO GUESS, AFTER BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES?
( LAUGHTER ) THE PHOTO SHOWS A CLEAR BORDER
BETWEEN TRUMP'S BRONZER AND THE STOLEN CADAVER SKIN THAT
ENSHROUDS THE REMAINDER OF HIS HEAD.
( LAUGHTER ) HE LOOKS LIKE HANNIBAL LECTER
WHEN HE STOLE A DIFFERENT PERSON'S FACE TO ESCAPE FROM
PRISON.
(AS LECTER) "HELLO, CLARISE.
I'M A VERY STABLE GENIUS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT, HEY, I'M IN ENTERTAINMENT, I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A
BAD HEAD SHOT.
MAYBE IT'S BETTER IN BLACK AND WHITE?
OH, GOD!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE HE MOTOR BOATED A
FRESHLY PRINTED NEWSPAPER.
( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP)
"COME HERE, MARMADUKE."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOA.
>> Stephen: NOW, FOR SOME REASON
TRUMP WAS UPSET ABOUT THIS PHOTO.
SO HE TWEETED, "MORE FAKE NEWS.
THIS WAS PHOTOSHOPPED, OBVIOUSLY, BUT THE WIND WAS
STRONG AND THE HAIR LOOKS GOOD?
ANYTHING TO DEMEAN!" YOU KNOW THINGS ARE BAD WHEN
TRUMP IS THANKING THE WIND.
( LAUGHTER ) HIS HAIR AND THE WIND DON'T HAVE
GREAT HISTORY.
AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
AND "HAIR LOOKS GOOD?" THAT'S THE DEFINITION OF
NARCISSISM.
(AS TRUMP) "MY FACE LOOKS LIKE I GOT A
CHEMICAL PEEL AT JIFFY LUBE, BUT HAIR LOOKS GOOD."
( LAUGHTER ) AS USUAL, TRUMP'S LYING.
THAT'S WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
I'VE MET HIM.
SOME NIGHTS I WAKE UP SCREAMING.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET
WITH GOVERNORS FROM ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
AND HE PREVIEWED THE EVENT WITH THIS TWEET:
"MEETING WITH U.S. GOVERNORS IN A SHORT WHILE.
ALL STATES ARE DOING WELL.
'THANK YOU MR. PRESIDENT.'" WAIT, IF YOU ARE MEETING WITH
THEM IN A SHORT WHILE, HOW CAN YOU ALREADY QUOTE THEM?
(AS TRUMP) "'THANK YOU, MR PRESIDENT' IS
WHAT THE GOVERNORS WILL SAY, AND THEN GO ON TO 'YOU LOOK SO FIT,
HAVE YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?
ALSO, I TOTALLY BELIEVE THAT'S YOUR FACE.'"
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN HE FINALLY DID TALK TO THE
GOVERNORS, HE WENT AFTER NATO.
>> WITH NATO, AS YOU KNOW, I'VE GOTTEN, $130 BILLION MORE, THEY
WILL PAY.
BECAUSE NATO WAS GOING DOWN LIKE A ROCKET SHIP.
>> STEPHEN: OH, YEAH, THAT THING THAT FAMOUSLY GOES DOWN, A
ROCKETSHIP.
THIS IS THE MAN WHO WANTS TO START "SPACE FORCE."
BEFORE WE LAUNCH ANY OF THOSE ROCKETS INTO SPACE, LET'S MAKE
SURE THEY'RE POINTED THE RIGHT WAY.
( LAUGHTER ) SPACE FORCE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
EVEN A LYING CLOCK TELLS THE TRUTH TWICE A DAY.
>> WE'RE DOING A LOT OF THINGS THAT ARE GOOD INCLUDING WASTE
AND FRAUD.
TREMENDOUS WASTE AND TREMENDOUS FRAUD.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: TRUE, TRUE.
THAT IS HAPPENING.
COINCIDENTALLY, "TREMENDOUS WASTE" AND
"TREMENDOUS FRAUD" ARE TRUMP'S NICKNAMES FOR ERIC AND DON JR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TREMENDOUS, WHAT A WASTE.
TREMENDOUS WASTE, TREMENDOUS FRAUD.
TRUMP AND THE GOVERNORS HAD AN EVENT LAST NIGHT WHERE THE
MILITARY BAND PERFORMED.
AND OF COURSE, TRUMP TURNED A COMPLIMENT ABOUT THEM INTO A
BRAG ABOUT HIMSELF.
>> I DON'T KNOW IF ANYBODY HERE HAS AN EAR FOR MUSIC.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, A LONG TIME AGO I WAS TOLD I HAVE A GREAT
EAR FOR MUSIC BY SOMEBODY.
I TOOK A TEST.
THEY SAID, "HE HAS A WONDERFUL APTITUDE FOR MUSIC."
>> STEPHEN: OH, LET'S SEE SOME OF HIS APTITUDE FOR MUSIC.
>> GREEN ACRES IS THE PLACE TO BE.
FARM LIVIN' IS THE LIFE FOR ME.
LAND SPREADIN' OUT SO FAR AND WIDE.
KEEP MANHATTAN, JUST GIVE ME THAT COUNTRYSIDE.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, HE REALLY GOT AN EAR.
HE REALLY CAPTURED THAT FARM FEELING.
HE SOUNDED JUST LIKE A COW BEING ARTIFICIALLY INSEMINATED.
( LAUGHTER ) BILLIE, YOU LIKE THAT JOKE?
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
JOHN OLIVER IS HERE.
STICK AROUND!