SHOW."

I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.

TODAY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TODAY WAS THE THIRD DAY OF TESTIMONY IN THE SENATE

IMPEACHMENT TRIAL OF DONALD TRUMP.

NOW WE'VE HEARD -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

BACK IT DOWN.

WE'VE HEARD A DETAILED DESCRIPTION OF PERHAPS THE

GREATEST ABUSE OF POWER EVER BY A U.S. PRESIDENT, AND AMERICA

IS WATCHING.

IN FACT, DAY ONE OF TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL DREW 11

MILLION VIEWERS.

THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S NOT SUPER BOWL RATINGS

BUT IT'S AT LEAST PUPPY BOWL RATINGS.

THOUGH THAT'S NOT FAIR TO COMPARE PUPPIES TO U.S.

SENATORS.

THE PUPPIES STILL HAVE THEIR BALLS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN

TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

>> PRESIDENT ZELENSKY!

I WANT QUID PRO QUO.

>> STEPHEN: AS WE SPEAK, THE DEMOCRATIC HOUSE MANAGERS ARE

STILL MAKING THEIR CASE.

AND THEY'RE TRYING TO KEEP IT SIMPLE.

LIKE WHEN JERRY NADLER TRIED TO EXPLAIN WHY CRIME IS BAD.

>> THE FRAMERS HAD THREE SPECIFIC OFFENSES IN MIND--

ABUSE OF POWER, BETRAYAL OF THE NATION THROUGH FOREIGN

ENTANGLEMENTS, AND CORRUPTION OF ELECTIONS.

YOU CAN THINK OF THESE AS THE A.B.C.S OF HIGH CRIMES AND

MISDEMEANORS.

ABUSE, BETRAYAL AND CORRUPTION.

>> STEPHEN: OOH, A-B-C, THAT'S GOOD!

LET ME TRY ONE.

THE IMPEACHMENT ONE-TWO-THREES: TRUMP NEVER WON THE POPULAR

VOTE, HE'S TOO CORRUPT TO HAVE THIS JOB, AND THREE YEARS IS

ENOUGH.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NADLER TOOK A MINUTE TO BURN

LINDSEY GRAHAM WITH HIS OWN WORDS.

>> THEN-HOUSE MANAGER LINDSEY GRAHAM, WHO, IN PRESIDENT

CLINTON'S TRIAL FLATLY REJECTED THE NOTION THAT IMPEACHABLE

OFFENSES ARE LIMITED TO VIOLATIONS OF ESTABLISHED LAW.

HERE IS WHAT HE SAID: >> WHAT'S A HIGH CRIME?

HOW ABOUT AN IMPORTANT PERSON HURT SOMEBODY OF LOW MEANS?

DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO BE A CRIME.

IT'S JUST WHEN YOU START USING YOUR OFFICE AND YOU'RE ACTING IN

A WAY THAT HURTS PEOPLE.

YOU'VE COMMITTED A HIGH CRIME.

>> STEPHEN: ALL RIGHT, BUT THAT WAS LINDSEY 20 YEARS AGO.

PEOPLE CHANGE!

VIEWS EVOLVE!

SPINES DISINTEGRATE!

( LAUGHTER ) THE TRIAL DAYS HAVE BEEN GOING

FOR HOURS AND HOURS, WHICH IS A LOT FOR SOME OF THE SENATORS.

TODAY, WE LEARNED, IN ORDER TO BE READY FOR THE LATE NIGHTS,

IOWA REPUBLICAN CHUCK GRASSLEY HAS BEEN SLEEPING IN UNTIL 7:20

A.M.

WOW, 7:20 A.M., NO WONDER HE LOOKS SO WELL RESTED.

( LAUGHTER ) BY LAW, SENATORS ARE SUPPOSED TO

SIT QUIETLY AND PAY ATTENTION, BUT TODAY, ACCORDING TO

REPORTERS IN THE GALLERY, SENATOR BURR HAS A FIDGET

SPINNER, RAND PAUL HAS QUITE THE SKETCH OF THE CAPITOL GOING, AND

MARSHA BLACKBURN IS READING A BOOK.

THAT BOOK?

"CHICKEN SOUP FOR WHEN YOU'VE SOLD YOUR SOUL."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A FINE BOOK.

FINE BOOK.

>> Jon: WOW, INTERESTING.

>> Stephen: THE RULES ALSO SAY THEY'RE

SUPPOSED TO STAY IN THE ROOM, BUT DURING LAST NIGHT'S SESSION,

LINDSEY GRAHAM LEFT THE SENATE CHAMBER FOR OVER 20 MINUTES.

WHEN A REPORTER ASKED HIM WHERE HE WENT, GRAHAM REPLIED, "TO THE

BATHROOM."

20 MINUTES IN THE BATHROOM?

THOSE ARE TEENAGE NUMBERS.

"LINDSEY!

LINDSAY, WHAT'S GOING ON IN THERE?

ARE YOU ON YOUR PHONE GETTING MARCHING ORDERS FROM THE WHITE

HOUSE?" "AH, NO, I SWEAR.

I'M MASTURBATING!" ( LAUGHTER )

IT'S NOT BELIEVABLE, CHRIS.

IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICANS.

THE TRIAL DIDN'T END UNTIL ALMOST 10:00 P.M. LAST NIGHT,

BUT DEMOCRATIC SENATOR DIANNE FEINSTEIN WALKED OUT OF THE

SENATE CHAMBER AT 8:45.

SHE SAID "GOOD NIGHT" TO TWO REPORTERS STANDING NEARBY, AND

LEFT THE CAPITOL.

THAT'S A BOLD NEW TAKE ON THE DEMOCRAT'S BATTLE CRY, "WHEN

THEY GO LOW, WE GO HOME."

( LAUGHTER ) ONE REASON SENATORS MIGHT BE

DITCHING IS THAT NO ELECTRONICS ARE ALLOWED IN THE SENATE

CHAMBER DURING THE TRIAL, WHICH HAS CAUSED SOME LAWMAKERS TO

REVERT TO MORE PRIMITIVE MEANS OF COMMUNICATION, LIKE PASSING

NOTES.

WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON ONE OF THE NOTES:

"DO YOU LIKE COVERING UP TRUMP'S CRIMES?

YES, NO, OR GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE WHAT WE HAVE DONE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL OF THE ABOVE?

ALL OF THE ABOVE?

BUT YOU KNOW, IF SENATORS ARE LOOKING FOR THINGS TO DO WITHOUT

THEIR PHONES, WE'VE CREATED AN ACTIVITY BOOK THEY CAN PLAY

WITH, CALLED "101 FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE SENATE OTHER THAN PAY

ATTENTION TO IMPEACHMENT."

IT'S LOADED WITH PUZZLES, LIKE "GETTING MONEY TO UKRAINE

THROUGH THE MAZE OF CORRUPTION."

"SPOT SIX DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THESE TWO IMPEACHMENTS."

AND IF THOSE TWO ARE TOO HARD, "CONNECT-ONE-DOT!"

THERE IT IS.

ONE.

ONE DOT.

ONE DOT, PLEASE.

SOME SENATORS USED A TECHNIQUE THAT I'VE EMBRACED FOR YEARS:

EATING BECAUSE YOU'RE BORED.

AND THE SNACK ROOMS ARE WELL-STOCKED.

MOUNDS OF SNACKS COULD BE SEEN IN BOTH THE DEMOCRATIC AND

REPUBLICAN CLOAKROOMS, AND DICK DURBIN REFERRED TO THE BOUNTY IN

THE DEMOCRATIC ROOM AS A "COSTCO DUMP."

( LAUGHTER ) INCIDENTALLY, A "COSTCO DUMP" IS

THE ACTUAL REASON LINDSAY GRAHAM WAS IN THE BATHROOM FOR 20

MINUTES.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

CHEESE BALLS.

LOT OF CHEESE BALLS.

YOU OKAY?

YOU OKAY OVER THERE?

EVERYBODY OKAY?

WHILE REPUBLICANS ARE FIGHTING TOOTH AND NAIL TO KEEP TRUMP IN

OFFICE, DEMOCRATS ARE STILL GUMMING AWAY AT EACH OTHER IN

THE PRIMARY.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S:

♪ >> YOU, OFF THE BOARD, I'M ABOUT

TO DRAG YOU OFF!

>> A PROGRESSIVE AGENDA.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME.

IT'S CRAZY.

>> FURY ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE, 2020!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU.

[ APPLAUSE ] FOR OUR GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.

INCREDIBLE.

>> Jon: YES.

>> Stephen: BIG NEWS FROM THE CAMPAIGN OF FORMER NEW YORK CITY

MAYOR AND MAN WHOSE UPSTAIRS NEIGHBORS JUST STARTED DOING IT,

MIKE BLOOMBERG.

( LAUGHTER ) BLOOMBERG HAS VOWED TO SPEND

UPWARDS OF A BILLION DOLLARS TO DEFEAT DONALD TRUMP.

AND RECENTLY, HE ANNOUNCED THAT HE PLANS ON HELPING TO FUND

WHOEVER WINS THE PARTY'S NOMINATION, EVEN IF IT ISN'T

HIM.

THAT'S GREAT TO KNOW.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS GRATIFYING.

NICE.

NICE TO KNOW HE'S GOT YOUR BACK ON THAT ONE THAT'S COOL.

THAT'S WONDERFUL TO HEAR, BUT IT COULD GET AWKWARD IF

BERNIE'S THE NOMINEE.

(AS BERNIE) "THANK YOU, MIKE, FOR THE

BILLION DOLLARS.

I PROMISE YOU IT WILL GO TOWARDS A WORTHY CAUSE: TAXING THE HELL

OUT OF ANYONE WITH A BILLION DOLLARS."

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE IS ON BOARD

WITH THIS PLAN.

SPECIFICALLY, DONALD TRUMP, WHO TWEETED: "MINI MIKE BLOOMBERG IS

PLAYING POKER WITH HIS FOOLHARDY AND UNSUSPECTING DEMOCRAT

RIVALS.

HE SAYS THAT IF HE LOSES-- HE REALLY MEANS WHEN!

--IN THE PRIMARIES, HE WILL SPEND MONEY HELPING WHOEVER THE

DEMOCRAT NOMINEE IS.

BY DOING THIS, HE FIGURES THEY WON'T HIT HIM AS HARD,

DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT...

...DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT DURING HIS HOPELESS 'PRESIDENTIAL'

CAMPAIGN.

THEY WILL REMAIN SILENT!

THE FACT IS, WHEN MINI LOSSES, HE WILL BE SPENDING VERY LITTLE

OF HIS MONEY ON THESE 'CLOWNS' BECAUSE HE WILL CONSIDER HIMSELF

TO BE THE BIGGEST CLOWN OF THEM ALL-- AND HE WILL BE RIGHT!"

WOW.

I GUESS I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY POKER.

( LAUGHTER ) (AS TRUMP, SINGING TO THE TUNE

OF "THE GAMBLER") "YOU'VE GOT TO KNOW WHEN

TO HOLD 'EM KNOW WHEN TO FOLD 'EM

KNOW WHEN THE DEMS ARE CLOWNS MIKE'S THE BIGGEST CLOWN.

HE'S RIGHT."

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

WAY UP HERE IS POKER, WAY DOWN HERE IS THE PUNCH LINE.

BUT BLOOMBERG'S NOT OUT YET.

IN FACT, HE'S STILL EXPANDING HIS 2020 OPERATION, MOST

RECENTLY BY OFFERING FANCY PERKS, LIKE THREE CATERED MEALS

DAILY, AND LURING STAFFERS WITH A MACBOOK PRO AND AN IPHONE 11.

BY COMPARISON, THE SANDERS CAMPAIGN TEAM HAS OFFERED ITS

STAFF...

(AS SANDERS) "A NICKEL FOR THE PHONE BOOTH,

AND A ZOETROPE WHERE IT REALLY LOOKS LIKE THE HORSE IS

RUNNING."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

"THE TRAIN COMES IN TO THE STATION --"

( LAUGHTER ) THE BLOOMBERG PERKS BEGIN EVEN

BEFORE PEOPLE GET HIRED.

ONE STAFFER BEING COURTED BY BLOOMBERG SAID THAT WHEN SHE

ARRIVED AT HER INTERVIEW, SHE WAS GREETED WITH A "HOTEL-STYLE

BUFFET."

OOH, A HOTEL-STYLE BUFFET!

SO, A WAFFLE STATION AND ONE WOMAN YELLING, "KELSY, HANDS

DON'T GO IN THE OATMEAL.

WHAT DID MOMMY SAY?" ( LAUGHTER )

"IT'S HOT, KELSEY!

KYLIE!" IT'S TWINS.

( LAUGHTER ) THE PRESIDENT HAS 53 SENATORS

DOING HIS BIDDING AT HIS IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

BUT THEY'RE NOT ALONE.

BECAUSE THIS WEEK, TRUMP APPOINTED G.O.P. HOUSE MEMBERS

TO THE IMPEACHMENT DEFENSE TEAM.

BUT ONE OF TRUMP'S J.V.

GROVELERS SOMEHOW GOT LEFT OFF THE TEAM-- FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN

AND MAN UNHINGING HIS JAW TO SWALLOW ALL OF TRUMP'S LIES,

MATT GAETZ.

GAETZ IS FAMOUS FOR BEING A TRUMP FANBOY.

HIS CAMPAIGN HOMEPAGE FEATURES QUOTES CALLING HIM "THE

TRUMPIEST CONGRESSMAN IN TRUMP'S WASHINGTON."

"TRUMP'S ULTIMATE DEFENDER."

AND "TRUMP'S BEST BUDDY."

SO WHY DID GAETZ GET LEFT OFF THE IMPEACHMENT FUN CLUB?

BECAUSE HE DARED DISAGREE WITH TRUMP A SINGLE TIME.

AFTER TRUMP'S DRONE STRIKE ON IRANIAN GENERAL QASEM SOLEIMANI,

GAETZ PUSHED BACK AND VOTED TO REIN IN TRUMP'S WAR POWERS.

BIG MISTAKE.

IF YOUR LIPS LEAVES TRUMP'S ASS EVEN FOR A SECOND TO PUT ON SOME

CHAPSTICK, YOU'RE DEAD TO HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT!

CHRIS CUOMO IS HERE!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, IS JON

STEWART UNDERNEATH MY DESK?

THE ANSWER -- STICK AROUND!