I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT IS FRIDAY!

THE FRIDAY AUDIENCE.

THE FRIDAY EXCITEMENT.

THE FRIDAY ELECTRICITY.

YOU CANNOT FAKE THAT!

IT HAS BEEN A HUGE WEEK IN THE DEMOCRATIC PRIMARY.

THERE WERE SOME BIG PRESIDENTIAL DROP-OUTS THIS WEEK, INCLUDING

FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, SEEN HERE HUNTING

DOWN THE STAFFER WHO TOLD HIM HE'D LOOK MORE RELATABLE IN THAT

SHIRT.

( LAUGHTER ) BLOOMBERG SPENT A LOT OF MONEY

FOR VERY FEW VOTES, BUT HE DID LEAVE A STRONG IMPRESSION ON ONE

VITAL NON-VOTING DEMOGRAPHIC: KIDS WHO SAW HIS ADS ON

YOUTUBE.

ONE 13-YEAR-OLD INTERVIEWED BY REPORTERS ESTIMATES HE HAS SEEN

"AT LEAST HUNDREDS" OF BLOOMBERG'S ADS WHILE WATCHING

GAMING TUTORIALS.

THAT'S RIGHT: MICHAEL BLOOMBERG PUT ADS ON GAMING TUTORIALS.

HIS TIPS: COLLECT AND SPEND BILLIONS OF COINS, THEN

IMMEDIATELY DIE ON THE FIRST LEVEL.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

AND IT MADE AN IMPRESSION.

I'LL GET THROUGH IT.

AND BLOOMBERG'S ADS WORKED.

ONE EIGHT-YEAR-OLD'S MOM SAID "HER SON WAS INSPIRED BY

BLOOMBERG.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE WAS VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT IT.

MIKE'S GOING TO DO ALL THESE THINGS.

HE'S NOT GOING TO BUILD THE WALL."

AND AFTER SUPER TUESDAY, THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS MIKE'S NOT

GOING TO DO.

BUT ONE PERSON STILL ABLE TO DO SOME THINGS IS BERNIE SANDERS.

UP UNTIL NOW, SANDERS HAS BEEN THE ONLY CANDIDATE WHO HAS NOT

RELEASED AN OBAMA AD.

BUT AFTER HIS LESS-THAN-SUPER TUESDAY, BERNIE SANDERS DECIDED

TO EMBRACE THE FORMER PRESIDENT.

>> BERNIE IS SOMEONE WHO HAS THE VIRTUE OF SAYING EXACTLY WHAT HE

BELIEVES-- GREAT AUTHENTICITY, GREAT PASSION-- AND IS FEARLESS.

BERNIE SERVED ON THE VETERAN'S COMMITTEE AND GOT BILLS DONE.

I THINK PEOPLE ARE READY FOR A CALL TO ACTION.

THEY WANT HONEST LEADERSHIP WHO CARES ABOUT THEM.

THEY WANT SOMEBODY WHO'S GOING TO FIGHT FOR THEM!

AND THEY WILL FIND IT IN BERNIE.

THAT'S WHY I FEEL THE BERN!

>> I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.

>> Stephen: WOW.

HE IS STRAIGHT UP STEALING BIDEN'S WHOLE IDENTITY.

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT'S NEXT?

( AS BERNIE ) "I'M BERNIE SANDERS, AND I HAVE

A MESSAGE FOR THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

NO MORE MALARKEY.

I WAS ARRESTED ON THE WAY TO SEE NELSON MANDELA, AND I ONCE

FOUGHT A MARGINALIZED AFRICAN AMERICAN CHILD NAMED CORN POP.

COME ON!

HORSEFEATHERS!

CRACKERJACK!

THIS IS WHAT YOU RUBES LIKE, RIGHT?

COME ON!" NOW, HERE'S THE RUB: BERNIE

CHERRY-PICKED HIS QUOTES FOR THAT AD, AND MANY OF THEM OMIT

IMPORTANT CONTEXT.

FOR EXAMPLE, THE "FEEL THE BERN" QUOTE CAME FROM A SPEECH IN

WHICH OBAMA WAS ENDORSING HILLARY CLINTON.

BERNIE'S FACED A LOT OF CRITICISM FOR THIS AD, BUT HE

DOESN'T SEEM TO BE BACKING DOWN.

TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HE JUST RELEASED JUST TODAY.

>> TONIGHT I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT MY BROTHER, BERNIE

SANDERS, A.K.A., MY BEST FRIEND.

THIS IS AN EXTRAORDINARY MAN.

HE'S REVOLUTIONIZING BASKETBALL.

BERNIE SANDERS KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN.

♪ I...

SO IN LOVE WHERE YOU ♪ BERNIE SANDERS.

BERNIE SANDERS FOR PRESIDENT.

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THAT COULD HELP.

THAT COULD HELP.

THAT COULD PUSH HIM OVER THE TOP.

THIS WEEK, WE FOUND OUT THAT TRUMP'S GETTING HIS OWN POP-UP

ADS IN THE SKY, BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT'S REELECTION

CAMPAIGN IS PLANNING TO FLY A BLIMP ABOVE SWING STATES.

WOW.

A GIANT, SLOW-MOVING, DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN IS GETTING HIS

OWN BLIMP!

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, HE MIGHT--

( APPLAUSE ) HE MIGHT...

OF COURSE, HE MIGHT BE USING THE BLIMP JUST TO FLY AWAY FROM US

DISEASE-RIDDLED HUMANS, BECAUSE WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT THE

CORONAVIRUS.

THERE'S A LOT OF ANXIETY.

AND I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "GOIN' VIRAL."

>> I'M DATING THE MUCINEX GUY.

>> Stephen: WE'RE SLOWLY LEARNING MORE DETAILS ABOUT

THIS THING.

FOR INSTANCE, CHINESE SCIENTISTS HAVE IDENTIFIED TWO STRAINS

OF THE CORONAVIRUS: ORIGINAL AND EXTRA CRISPY.

ONE OF THE BIG PIECES OF ADVICE TO COMBAT CORONAVIRUS IS DO NOT

TOUCH YOUR FACE.

BUT FOR ONE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL IN CALIFORNIA, THAT WAS

EASIER SAID THAN DONE.

>> TODAY START WORKING ON NOT TOUCHING YOUR FACE BECAUSE ONE

MAIN WAY VIRUSES SPREAD IS WHEN YOU TOUCH YOUR OWN MOUTH, NOSE,

ORIZE.

( LAUGHTER ) ( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YES-- YES, PLEASE DON'T TOUCH YOUR... MOUTH...

NOSE... OR EYES.

MY COLLEAGUE, DR. ROBINSON, CAN EXPLAIN FURTHER.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO HAVING A

HUGE EFFECT ON EDUCATION.

INCLUDING IN THE U.S.

THERE ARE NOW SCHOOL CLOSURES IN 22 COUNTRIES ON THREE

CONTINENTS, ADDING UP TO 290.5 MILLION STUDENTS WORLDWIDE.

SO MANY SCHOOLS ARE OFFERING ONLINE CLASSES, INCLUDING

ONLINE PHYSICAL EDUCATION, WHERE STUDENTS FOLLOW ALONG AS AN

INSTRUCTOR DEMONSTRATES PUSH-UPS ONSCREEN.

AND TO GET THE FULL GYM CLASS EXPERIENCE, THEY ALSO SEND

BULLIES TO YOUR HOUSE TO THROW BALLED-UP WET PAPER TOWELS AT

YOU WHILE YOU TRY TO PEE.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE'S ACING

TELE-SCHOOL.

AROUND THE WORLD, GRANDPARENTS ARE PITCHING IN FOR CHILDCARE.

BUT WHEN IT COMES TO HELPING THE KIDS WITH THE ONLINE CLASSES,

THE GRANDPARENTS DO NOT ALWAYS KNOW THE TECHNOLOGY.

( AS GRANDPARENT ) "LET'S SEE HERE.

IT SAYS HERE TO 'USE THE ONE-TIME PASSCODE TO ACCESS THE

LEARNING PORTAL.' OKAY.

HUH.

YOU KNOW WHAT, PUMPKIN?

HOW ABOUT WE DO SOMETHING WE BOTH LIKE: TAKING OUR PUDDING

CUPS OUTSIDE AND YELLING AT THE BIRDS.

DAMN BLUE JAYS!'" HERE IN THE U.S., THE MAJORITY

OF THE CASES SEEM TO BE CENTERED AROUND SEATTLE.

I GUESS IT WAS A BAD TIME FOR STARBUCKS TO TEST-MARKET THEIR

NEW COFFEE TROUGH.

( LAUGHTER ) DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS, DEEPS HOT.

DESPITE THIS RISK, THE ORGANIZERS OF NEXT WEEKEND'S

"EMERALD CITY COMICON" IN SEATTLE SAY IT WILL GO ON AS

SCHEDULED.

BRINGING THOUSANDS OF NERDS TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF A

VIRAL OUTBREAK?

FORGET "DR. WHO."

I WANNA KNOW DR. WHY?

( LAUGHTER ) COMICON'S NOT THE ONLY VENUE YOU

CAN STILL ATTEND DURING THE OUTBREAK, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A

MEDICAL EXPERT, COMPARED TO OTHER COMMUNAL AREAS, "THE GYM

IS NOT RISKIER."

COOL!

I CAN'T WAIT TO DEFINITELY CONTINUE GOING TO THE GYM TO

PUMP MY IRONS AND SQUAT MY THRUSTS.

I LOVE THE GRUNTING AND THE SMELLS.

( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, HEALTH EXPERTS!

STOP TELLING US TO AVOID FUN PLACES LIKE CONCERTS AND

SPORTING EVENTS BUT SAYING, "GYM'S ALL CLEAR!"

NEXT THEY'RE GOING TO SAY, "STAY AWAY FROM PIZZA, BUT FEEL FREE

TO SWING BY THE BROCCOLI STORE."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW SOME BUSINESSES-- NO ONE

ASKED FOR THIS.

( APPLAUSE ) I'M GLAD YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.

I'M SO GLAD, MAKES ME HAPPY, SMILING LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.

SOME BUSINESSES ARE BEING EXTRA CAREFUL, PARTICULARLY TECH

COMPANIES.

TWITTER HAS TOLD ALL OF ITS EMPLOYEES TO WORK AT HOME

BECAUSE OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

YES, IMPORTANT-- TWITTER DOES NOT WANT TO CREATE A HARMFUL,

TOXIC ENVIRONMENT...

IN REAL LIFE.

EVEN TINDER IS TRYING TO HELP FIGHT CORONAVIRUS.

THE DATING APP NOW HAS A POPUP WARNING ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE

HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS AND POTENTIALLY DEADLY DISEASE.

I BELIEVE WE HAVE A SCREENSHOT OF THAT WARNING.

"COVID-19 IS HIGHLY CONTAGIOUS.

PLEASE WASH YOUR HANDS THOROUGHLY BEFORE YOU AND A

STRANGER SMASH IN THIS P.F. CHANG'S BATHROOM."

( LAUGHTER ) LETTUCE WRAP, BABY.

>> Jon: EWWWW!

EWWWW!

NOE.

>> Stephen: P.F. CHANG?

I LIKE P.F. CHANG.

AMAZON IS ALSO TAKING PRECAUTIONS.

THEY'VE TOLD THEIR SEATTLE EMPLOYEES TO WORK FROM HOME ALL

MONTH.

AND IF YOU WORK ON AMAZON PRIME, YOU GET SENT HOME THE NEXT DAY.

AND THERE'S ONE AMAZON EMPLOYEE WHO CAN'T SELF-QUARANTINE, AND

SHE'S STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS ABOUT THE VIRUS.

>> ALEXA, HOW TALL IS MOUNT EVEREST?

>> WHO CARES?

I'LL NEVER SEE EVEREST BECAUSE YOUR FILTHY CHILDREN WILL GIVE

ME CORONAVIRUS.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT

SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

NEIL deGRASSE TYSON IS HERE.

STICK AROUND.