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  • ♪ ♪ ♪ HUMMING THEME SONG )

  • >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

  • HI!

  • WELCOME TO MY BATHROOM, I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.

  • YOU'RE WATCH AGO VERY SPECIAL SOCIAL DISTANCING EDITION OF

  • "THE LATE SHOW" OR AS I NOW CALL IT, THE LATHER SHOW WITH

  • SCRUBIN' COLBERT.

  • MY FIRST GUEST IS MR. BUBBLE FOLLOWED BY MUSICAL PERFORMANCE

  • BY THE LEGENDARY DUO HEAD AND SHOULDERS.

  • THANKS, GUYS.

  • NOW, IF YOU WILL NOTICE, I'M IN MY BATHING SUIT, AND I'M COMING

  • TO YOU FROM A SECRET ULTRA-SECURE TUB.

  • I WAS GOING TO USE MY RICH PERSON BUNKER BUT TURNS OUT GUYS

  • FROM "PARASITE" ARE LIVING THERE.

  • VERY NICE FOLKS.

  • THE BIG STORY TONIGHT IS ALL YOU PEOPLE.

  • PEOPLE ALL OVER AMERICA HAVE HUNKERED DOWN IN THEIR OWN

  • HOUSES TO RIDE OUT THE THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • THE C.D.C. IS SAYING THIS MIGHT GO ON FOR THE NEXT EIGHT WEEKS.

  • SO GET COMFORTABLE, AND TRY TO LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, YOU'RE

  • FINALLY GOING TO GET A CHANCE TO BINGE WATCH ALL THAT TOILET

  • PAPER YOU BOUGHT, AND YOU BETTER WATCH IT, JACK, BECAUSE I'M

  • COMING FOR IT.

  • I DID NOT PLAN WELL.

  • THE GOVERNMENT -- REMEMBER THEM?

  • THE GOVERNMENT IS TELLING ALL OF US TO AVOID HUMAN CONTACT

  • INDEFINITELY.

  • ON BEHALF TO HAVE THE SOCIALLY ANXIOUS EVERYWHERE, LET ME JUST

  • SAY WAY AHEAD OF YOU.

  • I HAVE BEEN AVOIDING HUMAN CONTACT SINCE BEFORE IT WAS

  • COOL.

  • KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS NOT THE FIRST TIME HUMANITY HAS HAD TO

  • SEQUESTER ITSELF TO PREVENT THE SPREAD OF INFECTION.

  • DID YOU KNOW SIR ISAAC NEWTON RETREATED TO HIS HOME IN THE

  • COUNTRYSIDE WHEN THE GREAT PLAGUE OF 1 1665 HIT LONDON?

  • DURING THAT ISOLATION, HE DISCOVERED CALCULUS AND CAME UP

  • WITH HIS THEORY OF GRAVITY, AND THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE HIS KIDS

  • WERE STUCK AT HOME WHIPPING APPLES AT EACH OTHERS' HEADS.

  • SHAKESPEARE ALSO HAD TO WORK FROM HOME TO PROTECT HIMSELF

  • FROM A PLAGUE AT THE TIME AND WROTE KING LEAR, AND ROMEO AND

  • PORN HUB.

  • IT IS A FREAKY, FREAKY TIME.

  • I GOVERNOR YOU THAT.

  • I'M SURE A LOT OF YOU ARE WORRIED, BUT IF YOU'RE WATCHING

  • FROM HOME, KNOW KNOW YOU'RE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

  • I'M AT HOME, EVERY MEMBER OF MY STAFF IS HOME, BECAUSE WE NEED

  • TO SLOW THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS.

  • EPIDEMIOLOGISTS CALL THIS FLATTENING THE CURVE, BUT BASED

  • ON MY CURRENT LEVEL OF INACTIVITY AND STRESS BAKING, I

  • DEFINITELY WILL NOT BE FLATTENING MY CURVES.

  • LOOK WHAT I MADE LAST NIGHT.

  • LOOK HOW FLAKEY THE RIDGES ARE.

  • A PEAR AND ALMOND CREAM TART.

  • MY BEST.

  • NOW, FLATTENING THE CURVE REFERS TO THIS GRAPH THAT ILLUSTRATES

  • THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

  • IF WE ALL STAY AT HOME AND KEEP OUR DISTANCE, WE WON'T GET THIS

  • HUGE SPIKE RIGHT HERE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE GETTING SICK

  • ALL AT ONCE.

  • YOU WILL, HOWEVER, SEE A HUGE SPIKE IN THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

  • FINALLY CLEANING THEIR STOVES.

  • YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU FIND IN THERE.

  • THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO KEEP THE NUMBER OF CASES BELOW THIS

  • DOTTED LINE.

  • SEE THAT LITTLE DOTTED LINE, THOUGH?

  • THAT IS THE LINE AT WHICH OUR ENTIRE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM BECOMES

  • OVERWHELMED AND, AT THAT POINT, PEOPLE MIGHT HAVE TO STAY AT

  • HOME AND TREAT THEMSELVES, THEN MAIL THEMSELVES AN $8,000

  • MEDICAL BILL.

  • NOW TRUMP AND HIS CORONAVIRUS TEAM HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE

  • TODAY AND I'VE GOT TO SAY HIS TONE WAS DRAMATICALLY DIFFERENT

  • THAN PREVIOUS DAYS.

  • >> THEREFORE, MY ADMINISTRATION IS RECOMMENDING ALL AMERICANS

  • INCLUDE THE YOUNG AND HEALTHY WORK TO ENGAGE IN SCHOOLING FROM

  • HOME WHEN POSSIBLE, AVOID GATHERING IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN

  • 10 PEOPLE, AVOID DISCRETIONARY TRAVEL, AND AVOID EATING AND

  • DRINKING AT BARS, REST RESTAURANTS AND PUBLIC FOOD

  • COURTS.

  • >> Stephen: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

  • DON'T GET TOGETHER IN GROUPS OF MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE.

  • THIS IMPORTANT INFORMATION COMING FROM THE CORONAVIRUS TASK

  • FORCE WHICH HAS 21 MEMBERS.

  • THIS IS ACTUALLY A GOOD MATH LESSON FOR ALL THOSE KIDS NOW

  • BEING HOME-SCHOOLED.

  • QUESTION, IF THE CORONAVIRUS TASK FORCE HAS 21 MEMBERS BUT

  • GROUPS AREN'T ALLOWED TO CONTAIN MORE THAN TEN PEOPLE, HOW MANY

  • MORE MONTHS ARE WE GOING TO HAVE TO BE EATING CHEF BOY ARE DEE?

  • IN FACT, THE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND IS HOW LONG IS

  • THIS GOING TO GO ON?

  • >> PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT JULY, AUGUST, SOMETHING LIKE

  • THAT.

  • SO IT COULD BE RIGHT IN THAT PERIOD OF TIME WHERE I SAY IT

  • WASHES THROUGH.

  • THEY THINK AUGUST, COULD BE JULY, COULD BE LONGER.

  • THEY THINK AUGUST, COULD BE JULY, COULD BE LONGER.

  • >> Stephen: YES, TO CONTROL THE SPREAD OF THIS VIRUS, THEY

  • ARE WORKING HAND IN HAND, TONGUE IN MOUTH, SNEEZE IN FACE.

  • AS RECENTLY AS YESTERDAY, TRUMP WAS SAYING HE HAD THIS VIRUS

  • UNDER CONTROL.

  • AND TODAY?

  • >> YOU'RE NOT SAYING IT'S UNDER CONTROL, RIGHT?

  • >> I'M NOT REFERRING TO "IT," MEANING THE --

  • >> THE VIRUS.

  • IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE VIRUS, NO, THAT'S NOT UNDER

  • CONTROL FOR ANY PLACE IN THE WORLD.

  • >> THAT IS AS COMFORTING AS A PARENT TUCKING IN THEIR CHILD.

  • RELAX, KIDS, THERE AREN'T JUST MONSTERS UNDER YOUR BEDS, THERE

  • ARE MONSTERS AROUND ALL THE BEDS AROUND THE WORLD AND I DON'T

  • HAVE ANY OF IT UNDER CONTROL.

  • GOOD NIGHT!

  • BUT TRUMP IS ADAMANT HE'S DOING THE BEST HE CAN WITH THE HAND HE

  • WAS DEALT.

  • >> WHEN WE HAVE A FUTURE PROBLEM, IF AND WHEN, AND

  • HOPEFULLY WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, BUT IF THERE IS,

  • WE'RE GOING TO BE STARTING OFF FROM A MUCH HIGHER PLATEAU,

  • BECAUSE WE WERE AT A VERY, VERY LOW BASE.

  • WE HAD A SYSTEM THAT WAS NOT MEANT FOR THIS.

  • >> Stephen: YES, SOME IDIOT DISBANDED OBAMA'S PANDEMIC

  • RESPONSE TEAM.

  • WE SHOULD REALLY LOOK INTO WHOEVER WAS AFTER PRESIDENT

  • OBAMA BECAUSE THAT GUY SCREWED THE POOCH, WHICH, BY THE WAY, IS

  • ANOTHER WAY THE VIRUS CAN SPREAD.

  • THE IMPORTANT THING IS TRUMP WAS FOCUSED ON THE FUTURE.

  • >> IF EVERYONE MAKES THIS CHANGE OR THESE CRITICAL CHANGES AND

  • SACRIFICES NOW, WE WILL RALLY TOGETHER AS ONE NATION, AND WE

  • WILL DEFEAT THE VIRUS, AN WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A BIG CELEBRATION

  • ALL TOGETHER.

  • >> Stephen: YES, IT'S TRUE, WE WILL ALL CELEBRATE -- THE

  • INAUGURATION OF ANYONE ELSE.

  • NOW, IN ORDER TO SELF-ISOLATE, AMERICANS HAVE BEEN STOCKING UP

  • ON ESSENTIALS, BUT, NOW, PEOPLE ARE LINING UP TO BUY GUNS AND

  • AMMO.

  • NO!

  • YOU CAN'T SHOOT A VIRUS!

  • THE THOUGHT OF FRIGHTENED AMERICANS ARMING THEMSELVES TO

  • THE TEETH SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME, AND THERE'S NO TOILET PAPER

  • LEFT!

  • NO CARDS TO BE THE TABLE, I TOO HAVE GIVEN IN TO THE HOARDING

  • IMPULSE.

  • YES, I BOUGHT A CAN OF BEANS.

  • YEAH.

  • THERE'S LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF BEANS IN THIS CAN.

  • ONE OF THEM'S GOT TO BE MAGICAL.

  • THAT'S JUST MATH.

  • NOW, THERE ARE SOME PROFESSIONAL HOARDERS, LIKE THAT GUY IN

  • TENNESSEE WHO HAS OVER 17,000 BOTTLES OF HAND SANITIZER IN HIS

  • GARAGE AND NOWHERE TO SELL THEM AFTER AMAZON CRACKED DOWN ON

  • CORONAVIRUS PRICE GOUGING.

  • IT'S IRONIC HE HAS ALL THE HAND SANITIZER IN TENNESSEE BUT NO

  • ONE WILL EVER WANT TO SHAKE HIS HAND AGAIN.

  • IN AN IDEAL WORLD, OUR ELECTED LEADERS WOULD URGE US TO FOLLOW

  • THE ADVICE OF EXPERTS.

  • HOWEVER, REPRESENTATIVE FROM CALFORNIA DEVIN NUNES SAYS

  • THIS.

  • >> A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SCARED TO GO OUT.

  • BUT I'M GOING TO SAY YOU AND YOUR FAMILY, IT'S A GOOD TIME TO

  • GO TO A RESTAURANT, YOU'RE LIKELY TO GET IN EASILY.

  • GO TO YOUR LOCAL PUB.

  • >> Stephen: NOTHING GETS PEOPLE SCARED ABOUT GOING

  • SOMEWHERE IS THE IDEA OF RUNNING INTO DEVIN NUNES.

  • SOME SET BAD CHAMPS.

  • NEW YORK MAYOR BILL DE BLASIO WENT TO WORK OUT AT HIS Y.M.C.A.

  • DON'T YOU KNOW IT'S GOOD TO WORK OUT?

  • YOU CAN WATER YOUR PLANTS, YOU CAN WALK AROUND WITHOUT PANTS

  • ANOTHER MAN DOING IT WRONG WAS OKLAHOMA GOVERNOR.

  • HE TWEETED EATING WITH KIDS AND ALL MY FELLOW OKLAHOMANS AT THE

  • COLLECTIVE OKC.

  • IT'S PACKED TODAY TONIGHT.

  • HIS TWEET WENT VIRAL BUT NOT AS VIRAL AS EVERYONE AT THE

  • RESTAURANT.

  • HE DELETED THE TWEET BUT HIS OFFICE DOUBLED DOWN AND SAID THE

  • GOVERNOR WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE HIS FAMILY TO DINNER AND THE

  • GROCERY STORE WITHOUT LIVING IN FEAR AND ENCOURAGES OKLAHOMANS

  • DO THE SAME.

  • A TRUE STIT FOR BRAINS.

  • GOVERNOR, DON'T BRING OKLAHOMANS DOWN WITH YOU.

  • IT'S ONE THING TO STAY ON THE TITANIC.

  • IT'S ANOTHER THING TO SAY WHY IS EVERYBODY GETTING ON THE DUMB

  • LIFEBOATS?

  • THE STREAM QUARTERRETTE IS STILL PUMPING OUT THE DAMS!

  • SOME BUSINESSES CHOSE TO SHUT DOWN LIKE DISNEY WORLD WHICH

  • MADE THE PRUDENT DECISION TO CLOSE BUT THEY STILL HELD ONE

  • LAST FIREWORKS SHOW AND IT WAS PACKED.

  • DOESN'T A LAST SHOW SORT OF DEFEAT THE PURPOSE?

  • IT'S LIKE FINDING OUT YOUR PARTNER HAS HERPES AND THEN

  • SAYING, WE SHOULD STOP SLEEPING TOGETHER AFTER ONE LAST NIGHT OF

  • BLISTERING PASSION!

  • AT T POINT IS, AT THIS TIME OF NATIONAL PERIL, WE ALL HAVE TO

  • DO OUR PART.

  • WE ALL HAVE TO DON'T OUR PART.

  • THERE IS NO COUNTRY IN THE WORLD MORE PREPARED FOR THAT THAN THE

  • U.S.A.

  • TURNS OUT, AMERICANS WITH RESPECT LAZY COUCH POTATOES THIS

  • WHOLE TIME.

  • ALL THAT SITTING ON OUR ASSES AND WATCHING TV WAS ACTUALLY

  • TRAINING TO SAVE THE WORLD.

  • SO TO PARAPHRASE IN IMMORALITILE WORDS OF JOHN F. KENNEDY, ASK

  • NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK HOW MANY EPISODES OF

  • LOVE IS BLIND CAN YOU WATCH IN ONE SITTING.

  • WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

♪ ♪ ♪ HUMMING THEME SONG )

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