WELCOME BACK!

FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HER

NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.

PLEASE WELCOME HANNAH EINBINDER!

( APPLAUSE ) >> GOOD EVENING.

YOU KNOW, WHEN SOME COMEDIANS START OFFSIDE THEIR SET, THEY

WILL SAY SOMETHING LIKE, "LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME."

WELL, THIS IS MY VERSION OF THAT.

♪ ♪ ♪ MY MOTHER HAD ME WHEN SHE WAS 42

♪ ♪ ♪ MY MOTHER HAD ME WHEN SHE WAS 42

BECAUSE BEFORE THAT AGE, SHE WAS...

BUSY.

( LAUGHTER ) SEE, MY MOTHER MADE THE MONEY IN

OUR HOUSE.

SHE WAS 12 YEARS OLDER THAN MY FATHER AND REFUSED TO LEGALLY

MARRY HIM.

WHAT DOES BEING A WOMAN MEAN TO ME?

( LAUGHS ) IT MEANS BEING A MAN.

( LAUGHTER ) IN OUR HOUSE, WHEN MOTHER KISSED

US GOOD NIGHT, SHE KISSED US TWICE-- ONCE FOR THE EVENING,

AND ONCE TO MAKE UP FOR NOT BEING THERE THE NEXT DAY.

BUT DON'T FRET ON ME, NEW YORK CITY.

NO, SEE, I WAS RAISED BY MY REAL MOM, MI MADRE ISRAEL-- GLORIA

LOPEZ CABRERA.

SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYBODY I KNOW.

SHE IS THE REASON WHY WHEN I BURN MY HAND INSTEAD OF SAYING,

"OW!" I SAY "AY!"

BUT LET'S GO BACK EVEN FURTHER.

THE YEAR WAS 1995, AND MOMMY AND DADDY WANTED A BOY, SO GENETIC

ENGINEERS SORTED THROUGH MY FATHER'S...

GENETIC MATERIAL AND ELIMINATED ALL OF THE SPERM WITH THE "X"

"X" FEMALE CHROME SOAMES.

ALL BUT ONE.

( LAUGHTER ) NINE MONTHS LATER, MOMMA'S

LITTLE BOY ARRIVED A GIRL AS A REMINDER TO MY PARENTS THAT IF

THEY WANTED TO PLAY GOD, THEY'D HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

HERSELF.

( LAUGHTER ) SO WHO IS YOUR GUYS' DEAL?

( APPLAUSE ) I'M BISEXUAL.

I PREFER TO DATE WOMEN.

MEN TO, ME, ARE LIKE LAS VEGAS: I SHOW UP.

I LOSE EVERYTHING THAT I CAME WITH.

I VOW NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN.

( LAUGHTER ) AND THEN SIX MONTHS LATER, I'M

LIKE, "LET'S GO TO VEGAS!" ( LAUGHTER )

( APPLAUSE ) BOY, PRIVACY IS HARD TO COME BY

THESE DAYS, WOULDN'T YOU SAY, FOLKS?

WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

I MEAN, IT'S LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN SIT IN FRONT OF A FOUNTAIN WITH

YOUR HEAD IN YOUR HANDS ROCKING BACK AND FORTH, SOBBING, WITHOUT

SOMEBODY COMING UP, TAKING A PICTURE, AND CAPTIONING IT,

"CURRENT MOOD."

YOU JUST... CAN'T GET A MOMENT ALONE.

AND I THINK SOCIAL MEDIA HAS A LOT TO DO WITH THIS.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

I HEARD A YOUNG WOMAN ON THE PHONE THE OTHER DAY, HER

CONVERSATION SOUNDED A LITTLE BIT LIKE THIS: "SO, DID I TELL

YOU, MILA UNINVITE MEADE TO HER BIRTHDAY BRUNCH?

YEAH, I KNOW, FULLY CRIMINAL.

IT WAS ALL SET UP, AND THE NIGHT BEFORE SHE CALLED ME AND SAID,

VEER, I THINK I'M GOING TO GO WITH MY PARENTS.

I WAS PISSED, BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, THE NEXT DAY, THE

SNAPCHAT STORY AT 1:27 P.M. AT CATCH AND WEST HOLLYWOOD.

YUP, INSTAGRAM, 2:00 P.M., THEY UPLOAD A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF

THEM, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY B.P.F.

IT GETS WORSE, FACEBOOK LIVE, 3: 58 TO 3: 59.

DID SHE THINK I WASN'T GOING TO SEE IT?

( LAUGHTER ) I LIKE TO THINK THAT IF THE SAME

SITUATION HAD OCCURRED IN, SAY, THE YEAR 1935, IT WOULD HAVE

SOUNDED SOMETHING LIKE THIS: "HELLO, MOD.

HI, BLANCH, WHAT'S THE NEWS FIT TO PRINT?

REMEMBER THE SOIREE WE ARE PLANNED?

>> SURE.

>> MOMMY AND DADDY SAID NO CAN DO.

THIS IS FINE.

THIS IS FINE, INDEED SO LONG, SO LONG.

AND THAT'S IT.

( APPLAUSE ) YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT WAS LIKE BEING A WOMAN IN THE 30s, AND I DON'T CLAIM

TO, BUT I HAVE CRIED WHILE WASHING THE DISHES BEFORE.

AND I THINK THAT'S CLOSE.

( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

( APPLAUSE ) ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: HANNAH EINBINDER, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.