What do you want a child to be?

Ableto read more.

They have the behavior, the capability they were taught correctly.

But what about the beliefs and the values?

Meaning the beliefs around that.

Or maybe they wanted.

Maybe they believe they're not smart enough.

Or maybe they don't value remembering what they're studying.

One of the reasons why Children don't learn is because what does this have to do with light lights brightly there, not knowing about it at all?

Except exactly.

I mean, even now he is adults.

He looked back in high school, and you think about what we're taught, like parallel grams instead of doing like, like how to do your taxes right?

And you know that like there's no parallelogram season, you know, tax season.

There there is right, so we're not taught how to be able to do that.

And so part of the values is relevancy, you know, taking information that child's learning and showing them how they could apply towards their life.

So beliefs and values, even when we teach people how to remember names, maybe, for example, that's the behavior, and even they have been taught how to remember names.

But maybe they don't value remembering someone's name.

Or maybe they believe that they have a horrible memory.

So all behavior is believed driven, so that needs to be addressed.

And then the level above belief in values are this level is level called identity.

Like Who does that child think that they are?

You know, we've all heard in this community that the two most powerful words in the English language or I am right because what every word you put after that is your your life.

Is your destiny exactly?

Very much so.

And so here's the thing.

Let's say at a behavioral level, you want your child to stop doing something.

Even if you think about the adults like they struggle with almond, stop smoking, right?

And maybe they were maybe even taught how to do it like they went through some kind of seminar list, some kind of podcast about it, you know, maybe they have a belief, maybe around it.

But maybe the identity is I am a smoker.

That's gonna be really difficult.

Or maybe so you want somebody is a child to study, but their identity is I'm stupid.

Well, yeah, let's go deeper into these labels that really, really dangerous.

I am dyslexic.

I have a DHD, right?

Right.

I mean, this is a really big issue.

In a lot of times, it's imposed on Children in a school environment or by the parents themselves, right?

Exactly.

And then here's the thing.

Adults have to be very careful of their external words.

They're extra words because they become a child's internal words.

You know, when when I was nine years old and a teacher pointed to me in front of classing, that's the boy with a broken brain that became my inner speech.

So every single time I did badly on a quiz, which was a lot often every time I wasn't picked for sports, I would I would say, Oh, it's because I have the broken brain that became my inner voice.

But here's what you want to remember as adults and even with your Children is that your brain is like a supercomputer and yourself talk is a program.

It will run.

So if you tell yourself you're not good at remembering names, you will not remember the name of next person you meet because you program.

Your supercomputer not to your mind is always eavesdropping on yourself.

Talk.

Your mind is always eavesdropping on yourself.

Talk.

And so when people come to you or your child comes to you and they say, Oh, I'm not a good study or I have a horrible memory you have to remind them if you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.

If you fight for your limitations, you get to keep them.

If people realized how powerful their mind truly was, they wouldn't say or think anything.

They didn't want to be true.

So I think a lot of relationships in general, but especially new parents kind of beat themselves up.

And it's not working, and this is supposed to be perfect.

And for us, we really it's how we look at it.

It's like, Okay, cool.

This is gonna be an opportunity for growth.

This is gonna be an opportunity for us toe, learn more about each other to learn more about each other's boundaries and preferences, and really kind of just dive deeper into this so we can become a better foundation for our son.

And that context changes the whole game because if We're like resisting the communication challenges.

Then there's no way you can come out of that because you're already making it wrong versus going.

Ah, this is interesting.

To have an opportunity to grow and to learn and to really come together in a deeper way.

I think what's most important in all of it is, is just stepping back into the room.

Andi and I mean that literally and metaphorically and energetically.

I think that, um, back to this idea, this fantasy standard of always getting it right and always having things working that's gonna like things were gonna blow up play.

You know, Stan Tact.

And he's a psychologist.

He talks about how our neurobiology is actually completely connected.

You know, for a long time a lot of relationship theory thought, Oh, you know, I'm responsible for my consciousness.

You're responsible for your consciousness.

Deal with it.

But now, actually, science is proving that were totally interconnected.

And when he's anxious or stressed out, I'm a part of that, and my biology is feeling that, too.

And guess what?

Our Children are no different, right?

So our Children are feeling our anxiety are stress our frustration.

They're feeling when we're stuffing it down and sweeping it under the road, they can sense all of that so truthfully, like transparency for us has been huge and not taking things personally, like in a very tactical sense.

Those two things, plus having really clear, intentional agreements on how we communicate.

Like, for instance, every Sunday we do this like transparency.

Talk where it's like anything during the week that's come up that we had a thought about or that, you know, we kind of court resentful about We just bring it into the space and how we do it is We start with an acknowledgement and they say, Hey, here's what I want technology for from this week Now here's what came up for me and we make sure it's in responsible communication.

Like I made up the story that you, you know, my wounded self believes, or the frightened person frightened.

Part of my personality thinks that, and then he would just receive it.

Okay, great here, You awesome not taking it personally, but being an objective listener so that we just have this space to clear all that crab that otherwise we're just stack sex and cause a lot of neuro biological frustration that the child can feel.

Now, for those of you listening to this going So you're saying I'm responsible for everything that that my wife or boyfriend or whatever is experiencing?

No.

What we're saying is is that we get to keep each other in mind.

We get to protect each other's love, personality life like the same way that we care for our child.

If we even did 20% of that for our partners, the game would change.

And I think that, um, it's just really important.

Yeah, and I want to start by saying that these, you know, invisible secondary losses are more catastrophic for teens and Children than it is, and they are for adults.

So when when a When a team has a break up, Um, and you know, they they spent time with that friend that we're in a relationship with, and all of a sudden that person goes and rejects them.

Um, I would be very concerned if we didn't emphasize, invalidate and acknowledge that the depths off loss that your child is experiencing.

I am going to come across as dramatic in this part because I want to make sure that parents are aware that suicide is, um is very present at this age, when there is a break up when there's bowling at school.

I've had parents write to me, um, the hard things about the suicide of their Children.

They didn't know they were not aware of the losses, the bowling, the rejection, the abandonment their child was experiencing at school.

These losses are so invisible that the child will do everything they can to appear normal, are stronger or strong or that everything's fine.

But they have the social life that the and in the break up conversation, um, most parents would say, Don't worry, sweetheart.

Um, you'll meet someone.

There's blended, You're young Still, we we say that I have said this thing's we all say those things.

I have made that mistake as well.

But for them, that is their hold world.

That is everything to them.

And I always say divorce or separation or break up is like death.

But it's like the person is dead for us and alive for everyone else.

Yes, and I've said this to a lot of people have been divorced and separated and say the person is supposed to be dead for you.

You're not allowed to have this person your life.

But you see them with that person and that person and that person.

You're allowed to go there, which is even worse and more painful than anything else.

Talking about death, loss and disappointment with your kids should not be avoided.

In fact, it provides a wonderful opportunity to bond with your child.

Your child is going through an emotional experience that is strange and even unsettling.

Make sure you don't dismiss their experience.

Validation is crucial at a time like this wear.

At the end of our day, we're kind of like we might be tired ourselves and and then we've got this intention, which is loving to create connection.

What can we do?

How much can we actually influence on this?

Now?

The first thing and we've been talking around this is really ourselves.

How are we coming into the moment?

Have we have we settled our anxiety?

Have we taken a little breath for ourselves?

Have we reconnected with the reason we're doing this now?

The reason we're doing this is to create this opening to create loving connection.

So first.

That's that we can connect her with ourselves.

Second, we have some influence over our child in the state that they're in when they get to bid.

Now, you know, from maybe as early as six o'clock in the evening, we're moving towards sleep, right?

Have we over energized and overstimulated them with some activities are they are there on a sugar high, you know?

Have we missed the window is it is nine o'clock at night and they're too late, you know, they're not gonna lick of.

I want a story, but it's, like, better, Better bet.

And you, like, you're almost too tired for a story saying we've got a little bit of influence over there getting that sweet spot right again.

Then we get some influence over the environment that they're sleeping, you know, turning lights off.

Having a night life.

Maybe.

Maybe it's it's putting ah, particular music on in the background.

There's three assault lamps, you know, really ambience like fighting.

That's a shift from going to the bright lights and the sun going down.

He knows that when our ambient lighting comes on that we're getting prepared to close out the deck and We're kind of tracking that that sunset process said.

You know, like we're leading you through a transition.

This is a transition.

It's not like like awake, asleep, it's not a switch.

So So we want to do the journey of the transition each time on before thing that you've got some control over is the content.

It's like, What is it that we're choosing to engage with at this time?

Um, we might add even the medium that the content is delivered on these days.

You know, whether you're choosing a hard copy book or whether you're choosing.

I'm on an electronic screen LCD lighting effect.

It's a stimulant.

Yeah, right.

So says we have to be aware that that stimulant is at odds with that transition journey that we're trying to create for the little ones.

Yes, absolutely.

I mean, one thing we personally practices, we do shut down the screens if we do have them on towards the every now and again, Motown Magic gets left on a little bit late for his bedtime.

And then when it comes time for the bedtime and saying good night to the toys and helping him helping turn the lights off.

He is he?

I do notice that if the hotel magic's gone a little bit late, he's doesn't want to say good night Early on.

I love that.

That little example saying good night to the toys, right?

Yes.

So this is it.

Is it a little tribal belonging happening for a Cyrus in his community?

His community, his environment has these characters in it.

Name it to tame it, right?

Name your emotions to tame your emotions.

So this is a very basic practice that you could do outside of the moment.

Another thing that really is important is to create is to we fuse everything together.

We've use our feelings and our thoughts with our identity.

Right on.

I'm always telling kids you have a very strong light, not force how you have a very strong light inside of you.

In essence, inside of you.

Strengths inside of you that have nothing to do with the experience you're going through.

And they're like, Ok, well, that sounds cool.

What do I do about that?

And I say start to remove the words I'm or I am.

I'm I'm anxious, right?

I am.

This your fusing what's supposed to be a temporary experience.

Remember, it's a message that's being sent to you.

The emotion is a message, and it's temporary, so don't fuse it and create permanence around it.