They're like the Kardashians,

but less welcoming to black people.

It's been a month since Harry and Meghan announced

that they wanted to leave the family,

and now, they've been told that they're free to go,

but they got to leave their name tags behind.

MAN: Harry and Meghan will soon be royals no more,

at least publicly.

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex released new details

about their plan to step down from formal royal duties,

including an agreement with the queen to not use

the world "royal" in any future philanthropic

or commercial pursuits.

Though they will formally retain

their "royal highness" titles,

they will no longer be able to use them

after the transition takes place on March 31.

Damn. Harry and Meghan are losing their titles?

That's the most embarrassing royal loss

since William's hairline.

(laughter)

But, yes, the queen has announced

that Harry and Meghan can no longer describe themselves

as "royal." And I won't lie.

If I was Harry and Meghan, I'd be like,

"Fine. Then we'll be known as 'Roy-al.'"

(laughter)

It's actually pretty funny how petty the queen is being.

But basically, you know what she's doing.

She's trying to turn Harry and Meghan

from the official royals to the store brand.

That's what she's doing.

Like, you know how the store brand is kind of

like the brand name, but just off, like, slightly.

Like, Frosted Flakes will have Tony the Tiger,

but then, the store brand is a weird polar bear. Yeah?

So that every morning, you have to look at the box

while you're eating cereal, and you're like,

"I wish my mom didn't buy you!"

(laughter)

But I'll be honest.

I don't think the queen is gonna win this one,

because it's not like Harry and Meghan need those titles

for us to know who they are.

No one hears names like "Harry" and "Meghan," and they're like,

"Which Harry and Meghan? The ones from Nashville?

-Is that them?" -(laughter)

Anyway, let's move on from people celebrating their freedom

to someone who's gonna be losing his freedom for a long time.

Disgraced movie mogul Harvey Weinstein has been found guilty

of rape in the third degree

and of committing a criminal sexual act in the first degree.

The jury acquitted him on three other charges,

including the most serious of predatory sexual assault.

Throughout the whole process, he kept saying,

"I didn't do this. I didn't do this."

But, of course, now he faces five to 25 years in prison,

at least, with more possibly coming,

uh, with additional charges, new charges out in Los Angeles.

Yes, people, it's official.

Harvey Weinstein is going to prison,

which is crazy, because he already looks

like he's been in prison for 25 years.

-(laughter, applause) -Seriously.

Weinstein is not going to do well in prison, all right,

partly because other prisoners

already don't like sex offenders,

but they really don't like some of Harvey Weinstein's movies.

Yeah. They're gonna come up to him in the prison yard like,

"I wasted nine dollars on Mansfield Park!

That shit was a disgrace to Jane Austen!"

You know what would be funny is if they lock up Weinstein

in the same cell as Bill Cosby. Yeah?

'Cause I can tell you then,

no one is falling asleep in that cell.

"You go to sleep!" "No, you go to sleep!"

"No, you go to sleep!" "No, you go to sleep!"

-"No!" -(laughter)

All right, and finally, let's move on

from Harvey Weinstein to another plague on humanity--

the coronavirus.

The disease that started in December

in China is now taking off around the globe.

Breaking news overnight on the coronavirus outbreak.

Yeah, experts say the world has reached a tipping point

to prevent a global pandemic

after a surge of cases outside of China.

WOMAN 3: The biggest outbreak outside of Asia is in Italy,

where cases spiked from three

to more than 150 over the weekend.

MAN: About a dozen Northern Italian towns

are now in lockdown.

Normally bustling Medieval villages turned

into virtual ghost towns.

Officials in Venice canceling the rest of the city's

famed carnival festival.

Officials in Milan, Italy's

fashion and financial capital taking extreme precautions.

This fashion show by Giorgio Armani deserted.

Models walking the runway in a room full of empty chairs.

Yes, the coronavirus has officially shut Italy down.

Fashion shows-- cancelled.

Soccer matches-- canceled.

Even the Statue of David is playing it safe.

(laughter)

And by the way, I really do find it interesting how,

when the coronavirus hits a country,

you learn what that country is all about.

Right? It hits Italy,

and it stops fashion shows and soccer matches.

In China, it stops all manufacturing plants.

Like, I'll bet if it hits France, they'll be like,

(French accent): "We have to reduce physical contact.

Everyone is limited to just one mistress. Ha, ha, ha!"

(laughter)

Now the big news... the big news that's really concerning is that

the World Health Organization says

we are reaching a tipping point

where the virus could become a pandemic.

So if you have a bucket list,

now's the time to do it, my friends.

Yeah. If you want to skydive, do it now.

If you want to swim with sharks, do it now.

If there's that woman at work you've always wanted to kiss,

stay away from her! Didn't you learn anything

-from Harvey Weinstein?! -(laughter)

Also, she might have coronavirus.

(cheers and applause)

Yeah.

Want to know...?

You want to know what I put on my bucket list?

"Don't get coronavirus."

-(laughter) -Checkmate.