when I’m trying for so long?

I’m not a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person.

I’m not a terrible person.

How do I let go?

How do I believe that I’m worth it?

In Your great name, I pray, amen.

I started noticing feelings for other guys

in like eighth grade.

Just being around my good surfer friends.

And that’s when I started praying.

I started thinking about this in a way, like …

this doesn’t seem like a phase anymore.

My name is Santiago Gonzalez the fourth,

and I go to a small Christian University

in San Diego, California.

I’ll be the first person from my family

to graduate from college.

[singing]

The biggest hurdles of this week will be the different parts

of my life coming together.

[Austin] Santi and I have been dating for about 10 months now,

but to say that we’re an openly gay couple is

a bit of a misnomer, because we’re pretty closed, based

on pretty much me, I’d say, because

of my jobs and affiliation with all the different groups

on campus that still abide by handbook rules.

Point Loma Nazarene University functions by Nazarene ethics

and rules, and so I signed a contract coming

into Point Loma talking about drugs and alcohol and all

that stuff, but it also talked about things

like pornography and sexual orientation and sexuality

in general.

And as I fell in love with a man,

I had to develop my own identity and my own beliefs

and trust those instead of focusing

so much on how other people defined

my relationship with God.

But I think one of the biggest excitements

for me is that I get to meet Santi’s family,

and that my parents are coming down for graduation too.

And so about a month ago I warned them, I was like,

“Hey, you guys are coming down for graduation.

I know you’re going to be here for the whole week beforehand.

It would mean a whole lot to me

if you would be willing to have dinner

with Santi and me.

It doesn’t have to be super deep

or super intense conversation, it’s

just, like, I want you to know Santi’s last name.

I want you to know what his face looks like

and how we interact together.”

A couple of days ago, they called me again and said,

“We’d like to do that.

But we want to make it really clear, Austin,

you are our son, and so we want to support you,

but we do not support this relationship with Santi

at all.”

[teacher] “As long as I can read your answers,

that’s what matters."

[student] “Can we use pen?"

“I have pencils."

[Santiago] The fact that I got to go to college in the first place,

I think it’s just such a … awesome opportunity,

to be around people that really

try to nurture our faith.

“Can I dip the bread in the juice?"

“It’s been somewhat blessed, like I

prayed over it a little bit."

“You prayed over it?"

“Just a little bit."

[Santiago] I think the church is supposed

to be this place of this is who you are,

and you are fully loved.

And I feel like it’s almost in parentheses, it’s like,

to become a normal person is to accept

Jesus Christ into your life.

I think that alone creates a lot

of tension between Christians and non-Christians.

“Lord, we’re in awe of your provision and grace.

Thank you for the hospitality of our host

and for the courage of every team member

and leaders in saying yes to your invitation

to love our brothers and sisters around the world."

[Santiago] Throughout my experience at Point Loma,

I had a couple different friend groups,

just because I never felt like I really fit in,

whether it was with, like, my Latino friends

or my gay-affirming friends, or my Christian friends.

I felt like there was one part of me

that I could express, or like a couple different parts,

but never my full self, because people

wouldn’t really understand all of it in each friend group.

Like with my Christian friends that

were like dominantly white, for them, being

Mexican was like Nacho Libre to them.

I see that stereotype, and I like to make fun of it too,

but you only see the stereotype,

that’s when it becomes a problem.

“Yeah, I just have like one spot of dandruff."

“Just one?"

“But I kind of like it."

“Santi, what are you doing?"

“Hair masks.”

One of the places that I found myself most comfortable

was with my Latina female friends.

“Yeah."

“But hopefully he won’t do his roots this time."

My sexuality — I could bring that up,

and they didn’t care, and they seemed more open about it.

“What are you doing?"

“Just a little bit."

“Ahhh!"

“That’s what I did."

“Here it is."

[teacher] “As a borrower, you agree to repay your loans,

make monthly payments on time, direct all correspondence,

to your lender/servicer, notify the lender

and servicer of any or all changes,

including your name, address — "

In high school, I didn’t feel those voices

of, like, shame in my life.

I was just a shy person.

I remember praying to God a lot

while I was coming to terms with my sexuality.

I began to feel the expectations of the way

some of the people in my Christian community viewed

right and wrong, but I never felt

that my sexuality and my Christian faith

were in conflict with the love of God

that I had experienced.

[music]

“Stay close."

“I’m so sorry.

I am so sorry.

Viewer discretion is advised!”

[Austin] Hey, Santi.

I just got off the phone with my parents,

and they didn’t necessarily say

that they wouldn’t have dinner with us,

but that if they did, it would be to convince you

and me why we shouldn’t be in a relationship.

[crying] Even though I know they believe it’s right

and they’re doing what’s right, it’s just hard for me

to keep saying, like, “We don’t have to talk about Santi.”

Because all of you are people that I really love.

But they’re asking me to choose, you know?

I think the hardest thing for me right now

is to realize that I really, deeply

do want to have dinner with you and my parents,

but I also don’t ever want you to be treated like you’re not

being valued as a person, and that you’re just someone

that they’re trying to convince is wrong for being

in love with me, and that I’m wrong for being

in love with you.

[Santiago] Yeah.

If that’s something they feel they need to do, then yeah,

I’m willing to be there for you.

[Santiago] When I think of manliness, I think of someone

who fights for who they are.

Culture is trying to tell us that you

should dress a certain way.

You should act a certain way.

You should be buff.

You shouldn’t cry.

You should have sex with tons of women.

But I feel like they’re just boxes

that we get tossed into, like whether it’s by our families

or by our peers or by our teachers.

And as you grow, you start naming things about yourself,

and you start becoming those things.

In ninth grade, I didn’t know how

to navigate the sexual attraction part.

And just being a ninth grade boy was like urges,

and you have to talk about those things.

So I came out to my youth pastor,

and he never tried to fix me.

He just listened to me, and hugged me,

and gave me that strength to know that I was loved.

And eventually I ended up telling my mom

and my dad and my sister.

They were confused by it.

What my dad, his sister is gay.

But he had these ideas of what it

meant to be a man that were so deeply rooted,

from Mexican culture and these different norms that are

enforced upon Mexican males.

And so for him, it was just like, his sister, that’s OK.

She’s a woman.

But like when he came to his son,

he was just very disappointed, I think.

I have struggled figuring out how

to balance being a Mexican and being an American.

I would say I am a Chicano by definition,

but by sentiment, I feel like I relate more to my parents

in a sense that they were born and raised in Mexico

and then immigrated.

Like, I’d identify more with that than the Chicano

definition, like born and raised in the United States

with Mexican roots.

Even though that is me."

“Bravo!

Bravo!"

“Thank you very much.

And now, I’m going to appear it."

“Both my parents didn’t have a college education.

My dad was like stereotypically Mexican macho

man."

“Are you from the United States of America?"

“Here it goes!

One — "

“There was definitely pressure on me — "

“Two — "

" — to provide for your family —

Three!"

" — and be able to protect them."

“Santi, I just talked with my parents,

and they told me that it’s OK, that us not having dinner

tonight means that there’s going

to be a divide in between us as a couple

and them as my parents, and that it’s OK

that we’re not going to be spending Christmas

and Thanksgiving together.

And I think that to admit to me that it’s OK, [inaudible]

it’s OK that we’re not going to spend really

important days together in the future, just

made me feel really small.

Like everyone goes through this, Austin,

it’s not that big of a deal, you know?

You know that I love you, so that makes it OK."

“I think I have faith that if they met me,

if they talked to me face-to-face and told

me those things to my face, I think it would be different.

By meeting me, I’m no longer this distant thing,

but I’d become a human.

They’d see a face."

“She literally said, Santi, you

will never be welcome at our house.

You’ll never be able to walk through our front door

and be welcomed in."

“You’re graduating.

It’s the morning of graduation.

You a scaredy cat?

Whoo!"

“After graduating, my family’s throwing a party

to celebrate, and Austin will be there too."

[interposing voices]

“Time for the toast!"

[interposing voices]

“What are we saying?

Just why we love Santi?

OK.

Well, hi, everybody.

I’m Austin.

Pleased to meet you all.

Wow.

Why do I love Santi?"

“Austin, maybe you’re going to feel better if I — "