because it comes to you in eight parts. It is also like the cake, because it is, at least

partly, a lie. That’s right, Hank, it’s April Fool’s Day. One of these eight parts

is a lie. You will either guess the lie or I will have fooled you, which will make me

the winner of an arbitrary contest of my own creation! Which is my favorite kind of game

to win.

Part one: Hank, Nerdfighters have done so much research into the great and terrible

library of Ivan the Terrible that we are now the largest resource on the entire internet

on the topic. And the story they’ve uncovered is crazy, Hank, it involves, like, fire-proof

dungeons and crucified skeletons and a supposedly-blind architect! It’s like National Treasure only

it’s real and the role of Nicholas Cage is played by nerds.

Speaking of Nicholas Cage, Hank, part two: Nicholas Cage has a son named Kal-El, like

the birth name of Superman, his name is Kal-El Coppola Cage because, you know, Nick Cage

is cousins with Sofia Coppola, who by the way made The Virgin Suicides into a movie,

a book written by Jeffrey Eugenides, whose facial hair may or may not be a joke.

Part three: also, while we’re on the topic of celebrities, Michael J. Fox’s middle

name? Andrew.

Part four: Hank, I hate being one of those parents who brags, but Henry spoke his first

multiple-word sentence this week, and it was very cute. I was like “hi” and he was

like “hi” and I was like “hi” and he was like “hi” and I was like “hi”

and then he looked me deep in the eyes and he said “Hi, cat!”

Part five: Hank, you probably know that Marie Curie is the only person to win a Nobel Prize

in both chemistry and physics, but did you know that her daughter Irene also won a Nobel

Prize, making her the only Nobel Prize winner who is the mother of a Nobel Prize winner?

It’s a fact, Hank! Or is it? Also, Hank, Marie Curie had a sister named Bronislawa.

It’s hard out there for a Bronislawa. Hank, this is off-topic but I will pay you one American

dollar if you write a song about Marie Curie’s sister called “It’s Hard Out There for

a Bronislawa.”

Part six: Hank, you may remember that I purchased Warner Chilcott stock after Warner Chilcott

Warner Chilcotted you and other people with ulcerative colitis. Well Hank, I sold that

stock today for a twenty-six dollar profit! I’m on a roller coaster that only goes up,

baby! Hank, I don’t think I’ve ever felt worse about making twenty-six dollars. I’d

like to use that money to decrease Worldsuck, preferably in a way that Warner Chilcotts

Warner Chilcott. Nerdfighters, if you have any ideas, leave them in comments.

Part seven: Hank, people say my fear of heights is irrational, but do you know what’s the

most common cause of non-fatal emergency room visits between the ages of 25 and 34? Unintentional

fall! And heights are the most common cause of unintentional falls, meaning that heights

are the greatest non-fatal problem facing members of our generation! So Hank, let that

be a lesson to you: do not put yourself in a situation where you could fall unintentionally.

Part eight: Hank even though you’re like, successful and grown up and everything, do

you know that if you Google image search your name, this is the second result?

So that’s it, seven truths and one lie! Nerdfighters, leave your guess in comments.

I hope you don’t get fooled! Hank, you’re a tomato. I’ll see you on Monday.

P.S. Nerdfighters, if you haven’t seen Hank’s video about the Ice Cream Chords, your mind

is about to be blown. Click anywhere on the screen and find out why Rebecca Black and

Slipknot have some surprising things in common.