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  • WHILE THE MIDDLE EAST IS GETTING HEADLINES, THERE ARE QUICKIE

  • SMALLER MOVIES YOU MAY HAVE MISSED.

  • FOR INSTANCE, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WAS IMPEACHED.

  • REMEMBER THAT?

  • ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> THAT WAS LAST DECADE, LAST

  • DECADE.

  • >> Stephen: SO LAST DECADE.

  • WE THOUGHT IMPEACHMENT WAS ALL WE'D BE TALKING ABOUT IN THE NEW

  • YEAR.

  • WE EVEN MADE THIS GRAPHIC: "2020 IMPEACH-A-PALOOZA: THE

  • ONLY STORY THAT MATTERS!

  • NOTHING CAN TOP IT!

  • STARRING GENERAL QASSEM SOLEIMANI!"

  • STILL ALIVE!

  • SWING AND A MISS!

  • THERE HAVE BEEN MAJOR GEMENTDZ I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT THEM IN

  • TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."

  • >> I'M NOT WORRIED.

  • I'M NOT WORRIED.

  • >> Stephen: NOW, WHEN WE LEFT FOR THE HOLIDAYS, THE HOUSE HAD

  • JUST IMPEACHED DONALD TRUMP.

  • AS SOON AS THAT WAS OVER, SENATE REPUBLICANS WERE RARIN' TO GET

  • THE ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT SO THEY COULD WHIP THROUGH THEIR

  • TRIAL, NO WITNESSES, NO EVIDENCE, NO EYE CONTACT, NO

  • KISSING-- CASH IS ON THE DRESSER.

  • LOCK THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OUT.

  • BUT THEN, THEN NANCY PELOSI DECIDED TO "WITHHOLD THE

  • ARTICLES OF IMPEACHMENT FROM THE SENATE UNTIL MITCH McCONNELL

  • AGREED ON PARAMETERS OF A TRIAL THAT SHE VIEWS AS FAIR."

  • HELL, YEAH, SHE'S GOT McCONNELL SHE'S GOT McCONNELL-- SHE'S

  • GOT HIM BY THE SACK.

  • WHICH, LOOKING AT McCONNELL COULD BE ANYWHERE ON HIS BODY.

  • HE'S GOT SPARES.

  • HE'S GOT SPARES.

  • SO WHAT OUTRAGEOUS DEMANDS DOES NANCY HAVE FOR THE TRIAL?

  • WELL, FIRST UP, WITNESSES.

  • AND THERE'S A CHANCE SHE MIGHT ACTUALLY GET ONE, BECAUSE WE GOT

  • AN UPDATE FROM FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR AND THE

  • PRINGLES MAN'S CRUEL, DISTANT FATHER, JOHN BOLTON.

  • "NO SON OF MINE IS GOING TO THROW HIS LIFE AWAY ON CANNED

  • SNACKING!

  • BUT ONCE YOU POPPED, YOU JUST COULDN'T STOP, COULD YOU,

  • JUNIOR?!" BOLTON WAS AT THE CENTER OF THE

  • UKRAINE SCANDAL AND FAMOUSLY CALLED TRUMP'S DECISION TO

  • WITHHOLD AID IN EXCHANGE FOR POLITICAL FAVORS "A DRUG DEAL."

  • YES, A DRUG DEAL.

  • THIS IS LIKE "BREAKING BAD" EXCEPT THERE WAS NO WALTER, AND

  • EVERYBODY IS WHITE.

  • NOW, BACK DURING THE HOUSE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS,

  • INVESTIGATORS WANTED BOLTON TO TESTIFY, AND HE SAID NUH-UH.

  • BUT YESTERDAY, HE PUT OUT THIS STATEMENT:

  • "IF THE SENATE ISSUES A SUBPOENA FOR MY TESTIMONY, I AM PREPARED

  • TO TESTIFY."

  • OH, HOW COURAGEOUS TO VOLUNTEER FOR SOMETHING WE ALL KNOW IS

  • NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

  • ( AS BOLTON ) "ALSO, IF LEONARDO DICAPRIO

  • ISSUES A SUBPOENA TO A CARIBBEAN SEX PARTY, I AM PREPARED TO

  • ARRIVE VIA COCAINE-POWERED HOVERCRAFT."

  • ( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

  • TONIGHT.

  • ROSE BYRNE AND BOBBY CANNAVALE ARE HERE.

  • BUT WHEN WE RETURN, THE FIRST "MEANWHILE" OF THE DECADE.

  • STICK AROUND!

WHILE THE MIDDLE EAST IS GETTING HEADLINES, THERE ARE QUICKIE

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