I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

CORONAVIRUS IS ALL ANYONE'S TALKING ABOUT, AND I'LL TALK

ABOUT IT SOME MORE TONIGHT IN TONIGHT'S EDITION OF "GOIN'

VIRAL."

>> TOUCH MY BODY.

>> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW HOW MANY?

OVER 900 CONFIRMED CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN 36 STATES, AND

ONE OF THE WORST HIT STATES IS RIGHT HERE, NEW YORK.

♪ START SPREADING THE FLUS ♪ ( APPLAUSE )

MUCH OF THE ACTIVITY HERE HAS CENTERED AROUND SUBURBAN NEW

ROCHELLE, WHICH HAS THE LARGEST CLUSTER OF THESE CASES IN THE

UNITED STATES.

WELL, THIS AFTERNOON, WE GOT A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT FROM NEW YORK

GOVERNOR AND MAN WHO JUST HEARD SOMEONE COUGH, ANDREW CUOMO.

( LAUGHTER ) GOVERNOR QOAM ON ANNOUNCED

PLANS TO ENFORCE A CONTAINMENT AREA FOR A ONE-MILE RADIUS

AROUND THE CENTER OF THE CLUSTER.

OH, WHAT A CLUSTERSUCK.

( LAUGHTER ) AS PART OF THE RESPONSE,

GOVERNOR CUOMO HAS CALLED IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.

"NATIONAL GUARD"?

"CONTAINMENT AREA"?

THESE ARE "FAMILY FEUD" ANSWERS FOR THE QUESTION "NAME SOMETHING

YOU HEAR IN A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE."

( LAUGHTER ) SHOW ME: "OH, GOD!

HE'S EATING MY BRAIN!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW, THE NATIONAL GUARD IS NOT THERE TO ENFORCE THE CONTAINMENT

AREA.

INSTEAD, THEY ARE GOING "TO HELP WITH THE CLEANING OF PUBLIC

SPACES AND TO DELIVER FOOD TO HOMES."

AND I THINK WE HAVE A PICTURE OF THE AREA'S NEW DOMINO'S GUY.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THIS IS A VERY BRAVE ACTION

BEING TAKEN BY THESE GUARDSMEN.

SO, GUARDSMAN, I SALUTE YOU.

OOPS, I'M TOUCHING MY FACE.

NOW, PEOPLE IN THE AREA CAN STILL TRAVEL FREELY, BUT THE

CONTAINMENT ZONE "BLOCKS ANY LARGE PUBLIC GATHERINGS IN THE

AREA, TO PREVENT FURTHER TRANSMISSION OF THE VIRUS."

OH, SO IT'S JUST A PRECAUTION.

NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

IN FACT, GOVERNOR CUOMO TRIED TO CALM ANXIOUS RESIDENTS, SAYING,

"THIS IS, LITERALLY, A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH."

( LAUGHTER ) SHOW ME "LITERALLY A MATTER OF

LIFE AND DEATH"!

BIG CHOICE.

A GOOD ONE.

>> Jon: DING, DING, DING, NUMBER ONE!

>> Stephen: NUMBER ONE ANSWER!

BECAUSE OF ANXIETY OVER THE CORONAVIRUS, EVERYBODY WANTS TO

STAY STERILE, AND THAT HAS LED TO A LOT OF PRICE GOUGING IN THE

STATE.

FOR INSTANCE, PURELL WAS SELLING FOR $79 IN ONE MANHATTAN

HARDWARE STORE.

WELL, SIDE SAY THAT'S CERTAINLY NOT...

A TRUE VALUE.

( LAUGHTER ) IN RESPONSE-- IN RESPONSE,

YESTERDAY, NEW YORK STATE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL BE

PRODUCING ITS OWN HAND SANITIZER, TO BE AVAILABLE AT

LOCAL GOVERNMENT AND STATE AGENCY OFFICES.

AND, SINCE IT'S NEW YORK, IT WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE ON A

FOLDING TABLE NEXT TO A FAKE LOUIS VUITTON CLUTCH, USED

PAPERBACKS, AND A BOOTLEG DVD OF "MISTER POPPER'S PENGUINS."

( LAUGHTER ) NOW WHEN-- WHEN--

( APPLAUSE ) WHEN GOVERNOR CUOMO MADE THE

ANNOUNCEMENT, HE DID IT WITH STYLE.

>> OPEN THE CURTAIN, PLEASE.

WE ARE INTRODUCING NEW YORK STATE CLEAN HAND SANITIZER MADE

CONVENIENTLY BY THE STATE OF NEW YORK.

>> Stephen: HERE'S WHAT TROUBLES ME: I SHOULDN'T BE THIS EXCITED

SANITIZER.

( LAUGHTER ) IF THIS WERE "THE PRICE IS

RIGHT," WHEN THAT CURTAIN OPENED IT WOULD HAVE SOUNDED LIKE THIS.

♪ ♪ ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

NOW-- >> Jon: THAT'S WHAT IT SOUNDS

LIKE, RIGHT ON.

>> Stephen: THE GOVERNOR HELPFULLY DEMONSTRATED HOW TO

USE HAND SANITIZER.

>> IT HAS A VERY NICE FLORAL BOUQUET.

I DETECT LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.

>> Stephen: (AS CUOMO) "LILAC, HYDRANGEA, TULIPS.

AND SINCE THIS IS NEW YORK, ALL OF THAT IS BEING OVERPOWERED BY

GARBAGE, AND SUBWAY POOP THAT YOU HOPE IS FROM A DOG."

MMM.

MMM.

MMM.

( APPLAUSE ) ALTHOUGH, DON'T GET TOO EXCITED

ABOUT THAT FLORAL BOUQUET, AS CUOMO EXPLAINS:

>> JUST TO CLARIFY, I SAID THIS HAD A FLORAL BOUQUET.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: IT'S NOT REALLY A

JOKE IF YOU JUST SAY SOMETHING THAT COULD BE TRUE BUT

ISN'T.

( LAUGHTER ) "HEY, GUYS, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!"

"OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" "IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

HEY, EVERYBODY!

TED HERE THINKS I TELL THE TRUTH WHEN I TALK.

WHAT A JACKASS!

BY THE WAY, WHY DOES EVERYONE HATE ME?"

FEAR OF THE VIRUS HAS HAD A HUGE EFFECT ON THE ECONOMY.

YESTERDAY, THE DOW FELL 2,000 POINTS, SO THE PRESIDENT

IMMEDIATELY HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE HIS PLAN

TO PLAN TO HAVE A PLAN TO DO STUFF.

>> WE'RE GOING TO BE MEETING WITH HOUSE REPUBLICANS-- MITCH

McCONNELL, EVERYBODY-- AND DISCUSSING A POSSIBLE PAYROLL

TAX CUT OR RELIEF, SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF, VERY SUBSTANTIAL RELIEF.

WE'RE ALSO GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT HOURLY WAGE EARNERS

GETTING HELP SO THAT THEY CAN BE IN A POSITION WHERE THEY'RE NOT

GOING TO EVER MISS A PAYCHECK.

WE'LL BE WORKING WITH COMPANIES AND SMALL COMPANIES, LARGE

COMPANIES-- A LOT OF COMPANIES-- SO THAT THEY DON'T GET PENALIZED

FOR SOMETHING THAT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "I'M HERE WITH MITCH McCONNELL

AND OTHERS TO ANNOUNCE HASTILY-THROWN-TOGETHER MEASURES

THAT FEEL LIKE I'M THROWING HANDFULS OF DRY DOG FOOD AT A

CHARGING TIGER.

HERE'S A TAX CUT!

MAYBE SOME LOANS!

SUBSTANTIAL RELIEFS!

FOR EVERYBODY!

SMALL COMPANIES!

FAT COMPANIES!

SEXY COMPANIES!

UGLY COMPANIES!

TELL ME WHEN ONE OF THESE WORKS.

ANYBODY SEND UP A FLARE."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TODAY, TRUMP EMERGED TO ADDRESS

A WORRIED NATION ABOUT THE VIRUS FROM THE CAPITOL BUILDING'S

OFFICIAL CHAMBER OF ECHOES.

>> JUST STAY CALM.

IT WILL GO AWAY.

BE CALM.

IT'S REALLY WORKING OUT.

AND A LOT OF GOOD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN.

>> Stephen: REALLY?

( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I KEPT

TELLING MYSELF ABOUT YOU, AND THREE YEARS IN, NO GOOD THINGS

HAVE HAPPENED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THE PRESIDENT SEEMED TO DOWNPLAY

HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE IN DANGER.

>> Reporter: HAVE YOU BEEN BRIEFED THAT UP TO 100 MILLION

AMERICANS COULD ULTIMATELY BE EXPOSED TO THE VIRUS?

>> I'VE BEEN BRIEFED ON EVERY CONTINGENCY YOU CAN POSSIBLY

IMAGINE, MANY CONTINGENCIES, A LOT OF POSITIVE, DIFFERENT

NUMBERS.

ALL DIFFERENT NUMBERS.

VERY LARGE NUMBERS.

AND SOME SMALL NUMBERS TOO, BY THE WAY.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: (AS TRUMP)

"BIG NUMBERS, LIKE 'SEVENTY-TEEN BERZILLION.'

SMALL NUMBERS, LIKE '3' AND IT'S A '3 IN A REALLY, REALLY TINY

FONT.' THE POINT IS, I KNOW ALL OF THE

NUMBERS AND MOST OF THE LETTERS.

"L."

"P."

"M."

YOU'D THINK TRUMP WOULD BE TAKING THE THREAT OF THE

CORONAVIRUS MORE SERIOUSLY THAN THIS SINCE HE MIGHT HAVE IT.

SEE, SOMEONE AT THE CONSERVATIVE POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE, OR

CPAC, LATER TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.

AND SOME REPUBLICANS, LIKE SENATOR TED CRUZ AND

REPRESENTATIVES PAUL GOSAR AND MATT GAETZ HAVE HAD TO

SELF-QUARANTINE AT HOME.

OUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH THEIR FAMILIES.

( LAUGHTER ) THE MOST RECENT PERSON--

( CHEERS ) THE MOST RECENT PERSON IN

TRUMP'S ORBIT TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS REPRESENTATIVE MARK MEADOWS,

WHO PRESIDENT TRUMP JUST LAST WEEK SELECTED AS HIS NEXT ACTING

CHIEF OF STAFF.

THAT IS A ROUGH START TO A NEW JOB.

"WELCOME ABOARD, MARK!

HERE'S YOUR KEYCARD.

SNACK ROOM'S DOWN THERE.

PARKING'S IN THE REAR.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE FOR TWO WEEKS WHILE WE BURN EVERYTHING

YOU TOUCHED."

ONE REPUBLICAN WHO HAS REFUSED TO SELF-QUARANTINE IS TEXAS

REPRESENTATIVE LOUIE GOHMERT, SEEN HERE SNORTING THE STEEPLE.

( LAUGHTER ) GOHMERT ALSO CAME IN CONTACT

WITH THE CORONAVIRUS PATIENT AT CPAC, BUT HE HAS DECLINED TO

SELF-ISOLATE AFTER A PHYSICIAN SAID HE COULD RETURN TO WORK IF

HE OBSERVED "PROPER HYGIENE PROTOCOLS."

SOUNDS OKAY, BUT YESTERDAY, RATHER THAN LIMIT NON-ESSENTIAL

INTERACTIONS, GOHMERT CHOSE INSTEAD TO LEAD A LARGE GROUP OF

CHILDREN AROUND THE CAPITOL THAT CONSISTED OF WELL OVER 100 KIDS.

( AS GOHMERT ) DISEASE VECTORS!

YOU KNOW THE EXPRESSION 'CHILDREN ARE OUR FUTURE'?

WELL, WE'RE GONNA TEST THAT THEORY TODAY!

OKAY, HIGH-FIVE!

HIGH-FIVE!

COME ON."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AT THE ECONOMIC PRESS

CONFERENCE, REPORTERS ASKED MIKE PENCE ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP

HAS BEEN TESTED.

>> Reporter: HAS THE PRESIDENT BEEN TESTED?

SIR, HE'S BEEN IN CONTACT WITH PEOPLE WHO WERE IN PROXIMITY

TO SOMEBODY WHO HAD THE VIRUS.

>> LET ME BE SURE TO GET YOU AN ANSWER TO THAT.

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION.

>> Stephen: (AS PENCE) "WE DON'T KNOW THE ANSWER TO

THAT QUESTION, BECAUSE WE KEEP PUTTING THE

SWABS IN HIS MOUTH AND HE KEEPS EATING THEM.

HE THINKS THEY'RE TINY COTTON CANDIES."

SO PRESIDENT TRUMP, WHO IS NOW SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO HAVE

GONE INTO SELF-QUARANTINE, STILL HASN'T BEEN TESTED FOR

CORONAVIRUS.

THAT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO KEEP OUR EYES OPEN FOR ANY SIGNS

OF SICKNESS, LIKE MENTAL FOGGINESS, OR POOR SLEEP,

THINNING HAIR, AND STRANGE COLORING.

NOT ONLY HAS TRUMP NOT BEEN TESTED.

HE SEEMS PROUD OF THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT TAKING ANY

PRECAUTIONS TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM.

FOR INSTANCE, YESTERDAY, TRUMP ARRIVED IN FLORIDA AND

IMMEDIATELY BEGAN SHAKING HANDS WITH PEOPLE WAITING AT THE

AIRPORT.

YIKES!

THAT'S LIKE NOT USING PROTECTION WHEN HAVING SEX WITH A PORN STAR

YOU JUST MET AT A GOLF TOURNAMENT.

( LAUGHTER ) WHO WOULD DO THAT!

WHO?

WOULD?

♪ ♪ ♪ WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU

TONIGHT.

CHARLES BARKLEY IS HERE.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, JOE BIDEN GETS FEISTY.

STICK AROUND!