I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

AND WE ARE COMING-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

YEAH.

>> Jon: YEAH!

>> Stephen: YOU CAN FEEL A LOT OF ENERGY IN THE COUNTRY RIGHT

NOW BECAUSE WE ARE COMING TO WHAT MIGHT BE THE END OF DONALD

TRUMP'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL.

REPUBLICANS ARE TRYING TO WRAP IT ALL UP IN TIME TO NOT LEARN

ANYTHING.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S ALL EXPLAINED IN THE NEW

FILM: "I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU

DID LAST SUMMER."

WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT.

NOW-- COMING TO GET YOU!

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NOW, WE LEARNED A LOT.

THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF ARGUMENTS TODAY.

I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN TONIGHT'S "DON AND THE GIANT

IMPEACH."

>> OH, NO!

OH, MY GOODNESS.

FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.

( BELL RINGS ) >> Stephen: TODAY, WE BEGAN A

NEW PHASE OF THE TRIAL, WHERE SENATORS CAN ASK QUESTIONS OF

THE TWO SIDES.

LAWYERS, SORT OF.

BECAUSE UNDER THE TRIAL RULES, SENATORS ARE TO SUBMIT WRITTEN

QUERIES TO BE READ ALOUD BY CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN ROBERTS.

SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE SEX ED, WHERE THEY LET STUDENTS SUBMIT

UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ANONYMOUSLY.

( AS ROBERTS ) "LET'S SEE HERE, THE

DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM INDIANA INQUIRES...

'CAN YOU GET PREGNANT FROM HAND STUFF'?"

YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN'T.

EVERYTHING IS FINE.

THE STAR OF TODAY'S TRIAL WAS TRUMP'S LAWYER AND AGING

UNDERWEAR MODEL, ALAN DERSHOWITZ.

>> Audience: BOOOOO!

>> Stephen: ENJOY RETIREMENT.

HE WAS READY TO GO THE MOMENT HE ARRIVED AT THE SENATE BUILDING,

PROUDLY HOLDING UP A BAG OF UTZ SOUR CREAM AND ONION CHIPS.

WHICH I PERSONALLY THINK THEY SHOULD USE AS A NEW AD CAMPAIGN:

"DEFENDING THIS PRESIDENT?

THAT IS UTZ'D UP."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LOVE IT.

>> I COULD GO FOR A LITTLE UTZ.

>> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR.

>> Stephen: WHEN QUESTIONS BEGAN, DERSHOWITZ LAUNCHED INTO

A FREUDIAN DEFENSE.

>> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION

IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

EVERY PRESIDENT BELIEVES THAT.

THAT IS WHY IT'S SO DANGEROUS TO TRY TO PSYCHOANALYZE A

PRESIDENT, TO TRY TO GET INTO THE INTRICACIES OF THE HUMAN

MIND!

>> Stephen: YES, TRUMP'S MIND IS SO INTRICATE, SO HARD TO

PENETRATE.

HE'S FULL OF COMPLEX IDEAS, LIKE...

( AS TRUMP ) "SHARKS BAD.

BOOBS GOOD.

WHERE'S FOOD?" NOW, DERSHOWITZ PREVIOUSLY GAVE

US THE CRAZY THEORY, "QUID PRO QUO ISN'T IMPEACHABLE."

TODAY, HE ROLLED OUT HIS SEQUEL: IT MIGHT BE GOOD!

>> EVERY PUBLIC OFFICIAL THAT I KNOW BELIEVES THAT HIS ELECTION

IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

AND, MOSTLY, YOU ARE RIGHT.

YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

AND IF A PRESIDENT DOES SOMETHING WHICH HE BELIEVES WILL

HELP HIM GET ELECTED IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST, THAT CANNOT BE

THE KIND OF QUID PRO QUO THAT RESULTS IN IMPEACHMENT!

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: SO LET ME GET THIS

STRAIGHT: HE'S SAYING THAT IF A POLITICIAN BELIEVES THEIR

REELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST-- AND HE JUST SAID ALL

FOLLOWS THAT ANYTHING THEY DO TO GET REELECTED IS FINE.

THAT SEEMS LIKE A CRAZY, CORRUPT ARGUMENT.

I MEAN, NO ONE HAS EVER ARGUED THAT THAT QUID PRO QUO ISN'T

ILLEGAL.

>> WHEN THE PRESIDENT DOES IT, THAT MEANS IT IS NOT ILLEGAL.

>> Stephen: I STAND CORRECTED ( LAUGHTER )

I STAND CORRECTED ( APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA!

>> Stephen: BY YET ANOTHER DICK.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, SIFTING THROUGH THE LOGICAL TURD DERSHOWITZ JUST PINCHED

OUT IN THE SENATE WELL THERE, IT'S HARD TO FIND

THE LARGEST CORN KERNEL OF LOGICAL FALLACY.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT I THINK IT'S THIS--

HIS JUSTIFICATION FOR WHY ANY QUID PRO QUO WITH A FOREIGN

GOVERNMENT TO MANIPULATE OUR ELECTIONS WOULD BE FINE.

WHY IS THAT AGAIN, ALAN?

>> YOUR ELECTION IS IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST.

>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT.

ONLY THE PUBLIC GETS TO DECIDE WHAT'S IN THE PUBLIC INTEREST,

NOT THE POLITICIAN.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S-- IT'S "WE THE PEOPLE" NOT

YOU THE DOUCHE BAG.

THAT'S WHY ON ELECTION DAY, YOU DON'T SEE A POLITICIAN WEARING A

STICKER THAT SAYS, "YOU VOTED.

TRUST ME."

OF COURSE, ESTEEMED COUNSELOR TIGHTY WHITEY DOES THINK SOME

QUID QUO PRO MIGHT BE POSSIBLY BAD.

>> IT WOULD BE A MUCH HARDER CASE IF A HYPOTHETICAL PRESIDENT

OF THE UNITED STATES SAID TO A HYPOTHETICAL LEADER OF A

FOREIGN COUNTRY, "UNLESS YOU BUILD A HOTEL WITH MY NAME ON IT

AND UNLESS YOU GIVE ME A MILLION-DOLLAR KICKBACK, I WILL

WITHHOLD THE FUNDS."

>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "SLOW DOWN, DERSH.

THESE ARE GREAT IDEAS.

ERIC, START TAKING NOTES.

WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?

WHAT WAS THAT AGAIN?" HE CONTINUED WITH HIS BLUEPRINT

FOR A BANANA REPUBLIC: >> A COMPLEX MIDDLE CASE IS.

"I WANT TO BE ELECTED BECAUSE I THINK I'M A GREAT PRESIDENT.

I THINK I'M THE GREATEST PRESIDENT THERE EVER WAS, AND IF

I'M NOT ELECTED, THE NATIONAL INTEREST WILL SUFFER GREATLY."

THAT CANNOT BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE.

>> Stephen: "THAT CAN'T BE AN IMPEACHABLE OFFENSE"?

YOU CAN DO ANYTHING IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF?

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT SORT OF INSPIRATIONAL

POSTERS ARE HANGING IN DERSHOWITZ'S OFFICE?

"CONFIDENCE: WHEN YOU BELIEVE YOU CAN FLY, YOU'RE ALWAYS ABOVE

THE LAW."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO-- SO--

>> Jon: OOOOH!

>> Stephen: SO WHAT WOULD MAKE A QUID QUO PRO ILLEGAL, ALAN

DERSHOWITZ?

>> THE ONLY THING THAT WOULD MAKE A QUID PRO QUO UNLAWFUL IS

IF THE QUO WERE, IN SOME WAY, ILLEGAL.

>> Stephen: SO THE ONLY WAY IT WOULD BE ILLEGAL IS IF IT'S

ILLEGAL.

( LAUGHTER ) YOUR LOGIC IS LIKE A SNAKE

EATING ITS OWN TAIL.

OR A HEAD EATING ITS OWN ASS, BECAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE YOU

PULLED THAT ARGUMENT RIGHT OUT OF THE OLD DERSHY HIGHWAY

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, EARLIER TODAY--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: GET IT OFF.

>> Stephen: EARLIER TODAY, TRUMP HELD A SIGNING CEREMONY FOR HIS

U.S.M.C.A. TRADE DEAL, AND HE GOT SOME OF HIS SENATE BUDDIES

PUMPED UP TO ASK THEIR QUESTIONS.

>> TED CRUZ.

BOY, HAS HE BEEN-- WHERE IS TED?

BOY, OH, BOY, HE'S DYING TO GET BACK THERE AND ASK THOSE

QUESTIONS, I KNOW.

HE'S SITTING THERE, "LET ME OUT OF THERE, PRESIDENT!

I WANT TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!" HE'S GOT SOME BEAUTIES, I'LL

BET.

>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.

IN FACT, WE HAVE A COPY OF TED CRUZ'S FIRST QUESTION TODAY,

"WHY DO PEOPLE OF EARTH RECOIL WHEN VIEWING TED CRUZ'S HUMAN

SMILE?" ( LAUGHTER )

THE BIG DECISION HANGING OVER THE IMPEACHMENT TRIAL IS WHETHER

OR NOT THE SENATE IS GOING TO ALLOW ANY WITNESSES.

SPECIFICIALLY, FORMER NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR JOHN BOLTON,

SEEN HERE AFTER BEING TOLD HE CAN'T HAVE A BALLOON OR A WAR

WITH IRAN.

( LAUGHTER ) NOW, REPORTEDLY, IN BOLTON'S

UPCOMING BOOK, HE SAYS TRUMP TOLD HIM PERSONALLY THAT

MILITARY AID TO UKRAINE WAS BEING HELD UP UNLESS

ZELENSKY LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION OF THE BIDENS.

THERE IT IS.

THAT'S NOT JUST A SMOKING GUN.

THAT IS A FLAMETHROWER THAT IS ON FIRE.

TODAY-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

TODAY, NATURALLY, IN RESPONSE TO THIS REVELATION, TODAY TRUMP

ATTACKED BOLTON'S CHARACTER TWEETING:

( AS TRUMP ) "FOR A GUY WHO COULDN'T GET

APPROVED FOR THE AMBASSADOR TO THE U.N. YEARS AGO, COULDN'T

GET APPROVED FOR ANYTHING SINCE, BEGGED ME FOR A

NONSENATE-APPROVED JOB-- WHICH I GAVE HIM DESPITE MANY SAYING

"DON'T DO IT, SIR"-- TAKES THE JOB, MISTAKENLY SAYS 'LIBYAN

MODEL' ON TV, AND DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, DOT, MANY MORE

MISTAKES OF JUDGEMENT, GETS FIRED BECAUSE FRANKLY, IF I

LISTENED TO HIM, WE WOULD BE IN WORLD WAR SIX BY NOW, AND GOES

OUT AND IMMEDIATELY WRITES A NASTY AND UNTRUE BOOK, ALL

CLASSIFIED.

NATIONAL SECURITY.

WHO WOULD DO THIS?" FIRST OF ALL, WORLD WAR SIX?

"OPERATION TOKYO DRIFT"?

ALSO, IF EVERYTHING BOLTON SAID IS "NASTY AND UNTRUE," HOW CAN

IT ALSO BE CLASSIFIED?

THAT WOULD CERTAINLY CHANGE "MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE."

>> YOUR MISSION, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO ACCEPT IT, IS NASTY

AND UNTRUE.

THIS TAPE WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS.

I LIED.

IT'S TWO.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TRUMP ALSO TWEETED,

"WHY DIDN'T JOHN BOLTON COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS 'NONSENSE' A LONG

TIME AGO, WHEN HE WAS VERY PUBLICLY TERMINATED?

HE SAID-- NOT THAT IT MATTERS-- NOTHING!"

( AS TRUMP ) "HE SAID NOTHING!

NOT THAT IT MATTERS!

BECAUSE JOHN BOLTON'S BETRAYAL DEFINITELY DIDN'T HURT MY

FEELINGS!

I DON'T SPEND MY NIGHTS CLUTCHING THE PRINGLES CAN WITH

HIS FACE ON IT, CRYING AND EATING HIS DELICIOUS CRISPY

INNARDS.

NO.

ME AND DERSHOWITZ ARE MOVING ON TO UTZ."

( LAUGHTER ) TODAY--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "IT'S A CALL-BACK, GUYS.

IT'S A CALL-BACK.

UTZ.

UTZ.

>> Jon: BARBECUE FLAVOR STILL THE ONE.

>> Stephen: TODAY WE LEARNED THAT THE WHITE HOUSE ISSUED A

FORMAL THREAT TO BOLTON TO KEEP HIM FROM PUBLISHING HIS BOOK.

WOW.

WOW, SO RARE FOR TRUMP TO ISSUE A FORMAL THREAT.

( AS TRUMP ) "DEAREST ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE, IT

IS MY SINCEREST RECOMMENDATION THAT YOU KEEP ONE EYE OPEN WHILE

YOU SLEEP.

( LAUGHTER ) BEST REGARDS TO YOUR FAMILY AND

YOUR TEMPORARILY UNCUT BRAKE CABLES, DONALD J. TRUMP."

( LAUGHTER ) THE THREAT CAME IN THE FORM OF A

LETTER TO BOLTON'S LAWYER, SAYING THE BOOK CONTAINED

INFORMATION AT THE TOP SECRET LEVEL THAT COULD "CAUSE

EXCEPTIONALLY GRAVE HARM TO THE NATIONAL SECURITY OF THE UNITED

STATES."

WELL, GIVEN EVERYTHING TRUMP'S DONE TO HARM THE NATIONAL

SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES, AT THIS POINT, I THINK WE CAN

HANDLE A BOOK.

( LAUGHTER ) THIS IS LIKE--

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS-- THIS IS-- THIS IS LIKE

REPEATEDLY GETTING RUN OVER BY A BUS, AND THEN THE

PARAMEDIC SAYS, "OKAY, THIS COTTON SWAB MIGHT STING A BIT."

THE MAN CHARGED WITH KEEPING BOLTON FROM TESTIFYING IS SENATE

MAJORITY LEADER, AND EMPEROR PALPATINE'S FUN BROTHER, MITCH

McCONNELL.

>> Audience: BOOOO!

>> Stephen: A LITTLE LATE WITH THAT.

NOW, YESTERDAY, AS THE "WASHINGTON POST" PUT IT,

McCONNELL TOLD REPUBLICAN SENATORS HE DOES NOT YET HAVE

THE VOTES YET TO BLOCK.

WITNESSES.

NICE EDITING, WAPO.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT YOU KNOW THEIR MOTTO:

GRAMMAR DIES IN DARKNESS.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT IT IS NEWS THAT McCONNELL

DOES NOT YET HAVE ENOUGH VOTES YET.

IT'S PROBABLY WHY HE WENT UP TO CAPITOL HILL BRIGHT AND EARLY

TO LOBBY SENATORS AND SACRIFICE A GOAT.

McCONNELL DOES NOT HAVE THE OFFICIAL VOTE COUNT, BUT HE'S

BEEN TALLYING GOP SUPPORT FOR WITNESSES BY USING A CARD WITH

"YES," "NO," AND "MAYBES" MARKED ON IT.

HE'S TREATING IMPEACHMENT LIKE A SEVENTH GRADER WHO HAS A CRUSH.

PASSING NOTES THAT SAY "DO YOU LIKE DEMOCRACY?

YES, NO, MAYBE.

ALSO, MITT ROMNEY EATS BOOGERS, PASS IT ON."

( LAUGHTER ) SO WE DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.

( APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE.

I HAVE NO IDEA.

>> Jon: ALLEGEDLY.

WE NEVER KNEW.

>> StepheN: SO WE DON'T KNOW IF WITNESSES ARE GOING TO BE

CALLED.