I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

AND IT IS-- AS YOU CAN TELL, AS YOU CAN TELL BY THIS CROWD, IT

IS FRIDAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THAT MEANS-- AND IF TO YOU

THAT MEANS BLOWING OFF WORK TO CHILLAX WITH YOUR BUDS,

THEN YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, BECAUSE WE

JUST LEARNED THAT LAST YEAR, TRUMP SPENT ONE OF EVERY FIVE

DAYS AT ONE OF HIS GOLF CLUBS.

AND, REMEMBER, WHEN TRUMP IS GOLFING, WE'RE PAYING FOR IT.

AND WE MIGHT NOT KNOW THE FULL COST FOR A WHILE, THANKS TO

TREASURY SECRETARY AND KID ON "BRING YOUR CHILD TO WORK DAY"

WATCHING HIS DAD GET CHEWED OUT BY THE BOSS, STEVE MNUCHIN.

MNUCHIN IS TRYING TO HIDE HOW MUCH TAXPAYERS HAVE SPENT

SENDING TRUMP ON HIS GOLF OUTINGS.

HE WANTS TO DELAY DISCLOSURE OF SECRET SERVICE SPENDING ON

PRESIDENTIAL TRAVEL UNTIL AFTER THE 2020 ELECTION.

>> Audience: OOOOH!

>> Stephen: NOT TELLING US THAT TILL AFTER WE VOTE IS LIKE

SHARING YOUR S.T.D. HISTORY WITH YOUR PARTNER AFTER YOU HAVE SEX.

"NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S COOL, BABE.

THAT TINGLING SENSATION MEANS THE SEX IS WORKING.

AND IT'S NEVER GOING TO STOP WORKING, BABY."

WE DO KNOW THE SECRET SERVICE BILL IS GOING TO BE PRETTY BIG.

FOR EXAMPLE, WE SPENT $96 MILLION ON BARACK OBAMA

OVER EIGHT YEARS.

BUT IN 2017, WE SPENT $13.6 MILLION ON TRUMP IN

JUST ONE MONTH.

AND OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS, WE'VE SPENT $588,000 ON SECRET

SERVICE GOLF CARTS ALONE.

THAT'S A LOT, BUT GOLF CARTS ARE CRITICAL SECURITY VEHICLES.

THEY CAN BE OVERTAKEN ONLY IF THE TERRORISTS DISCOVER "WALKING

BRISKLY."

( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT.

NOW-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

♪ ♪ ♪ BUT WE'RE NOT JUST PAYING FOR

TRUMP.

WE'RE ALSO COVERING THE COSTS OF ALL THE LITTLE TRUMPLINGS.

FOR INSTANCE, A FEW YEARS BACK, ERIC TRUMP'S VISIT TO A TRUMP

BUILDING IN URUGUAY COST TAXPAYERS $97,000.

SO WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, IT'S NOT REALLY YOUR-GUAY.

IT'S ALL OF OUR 'GUAY.

MOST OF THAT MONEY WAS SPENT IN TEACHING ERIC THAT IT'S NOT

PRONOUNCED "YOU ARE GAY."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

WE'RE ALSO-- THAT'S A TWO-FER.

THAT'S A TWO-FER.

A DOUBLE DIP.

WE'RE ALSO LEARNING MORE ABOUT WHAT WENT ON BEHIND THE SCENES

DURING IRAN'S ATTACK ON U.S.

MILITARY BASES THIS WEEK.

APPARENTLY, THE WHITE HOUSE RECEIVED AN EARLY-WARNING

MESSAGE FROM SPY AGENCIES THAT OFFICIALS CALL, A "SQUAWK."

NORMALLY, WHEN YOU HEAR A SQUAWK IN THE WHITE HOUSE, THAT MEANS

IT'S TIME TO FEED STEPHEN MILLER.

( LAUGHTER ) AND AS SOON--

( APPLAUSE ) AS SOON AS HE GOT THE WARNING,

TRUMP DESCENDED SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO THE SITUATION ROOM.

WOW.

THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE TRUMP.

WHAT ON EARTH COULD HAVE MOTIVATED HIM TO SHAMBLE DOWN

SEVERAL FLIGHTS OF STAIRS TO THE SITUATION ROOM?

AND THERE WERE SANDWICHES PILED ON A SIDEBOARD IN THE ROOM.

( LAUGHTER ) ( AS TRUMP )

"GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE INCOMING BALLISTIC HOAGIES.

ALERT COLONEL MUSTARD AT STRATEGIC SAUCE COMMAND."

IT'S ALSO BEEN REVEALED THAT THE NIGHT OF THE AIR STRIKE AGAINST

SOLEIMANI, TRUMP WAS PULLED AWAY FROM HIS DINNER OF MEATLOAF

AND ICE CREAM.

THOUGH, THAT COULD BE A MISPRINT.

IT'S POSSIBLE IT WAS ICE CREAM WITH MEATLOAF.

TRUMP'S INTERNATIONAL WHOOPSIES HAVEN'T BEEN HELPING HIS

REPUTATION.

ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL FROM THE PEW RESEARCH CENTER, 64% OF

PEOPLE WORLDWIDE SAID THEY DID NOT HAVE CONFIDENCE IN PRESIDENT

TRUMP.

IN FACT, FOREIGNERS TRUST HIM LESS THAN ANGELA MERKEL,

EMMANUEL MACRON, XI JINPING, AND VLADIMIR PUTIN.

BUT, HEY, HE IS STILL POLLING AHEAD OF JEFFREY DAHMER, HARVEY

WEINSTEIN, AND ONE OF THE MENENDEZ BROTHERS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

NOW, WHICH ONE, LYLE?

LYLE.

HE'S AHEAD OF LYLE.

WHAT'S THE OTHER ONE, TREVOR?

ONE COUNTRY WHERE THE PRESIDENT IS AS POPULAR AS A PINE CONE

SUPPOSITORY IS SLOVENIA, WHERE VANDALS BURNED A WOODEN STATUE

OF HIM.

POLICE ARE STILL INVESTIGATING AND THEY HAVE RELEASED THIS

SECURITY FOOTAGE OF THE SLOVENIAN WOMAN THEY BELIEVE IS

BEHIND THE ATTACK