Some people know them as a credit reporting agency.

Others know them as a player hater

that stops you from buying your couch.

Well, you may remember that they were at the heart

of a massive data hack and now we're finding out

how it all went down.

Good evening. It was one of the biggest cyberattacks in history:

stealing the personal information

of nearly half of all Americans,

from our Social Security numbers to birth dates.

Now, in a stunning announcement,

the U.S. Justice Department

is accusing a branch of the Chinese military

with the 2017 hack of the credit rating company Equifax.

REPORTER: The Chinese team hid their tracks

by using 34 servers in nearly 20 countries.

The FBI believes China also hacked Marriott,

the U.S. government's personnel office

and insurance giant Anthem

as it builds a massive database on every American.

That's right-- China is allegedly stealing

people's private information

to build a massive database on every American.

And you know somewhere right now Ma-Mark Zuckerberg is like,

"Back off, China, that's my thing."

But seriously, though, I don't-I don't understand this.

Like, China is beating the U.S. in everything now.

Why would they steal Americans' information?

Unless it's just to rub it in everyone's faces, you know?

It's just like, "Ha, ha! I know the answers

"to your security questions. Your first car was a Kia?

What a bitch."

What's even weirder is that they say

China also may have hacked Marriott.

And, I mean, I get credit agencies, insurance companies

and the government, but why are they hacking hotels?

What, are they just gonna tank the U.S. economy

by adding charges to the minibar?

Is that what they're doing? No, 'cause let's be honest--

like, everyone is just three Toblerones away from bankruptcy.

We're out. Those minibars don't play.

And I know some people are saying that China's doing this

so that they can steal Americans' identities.

Yeah, but if that's true, the joke's on them,

because half of Americans are in debt. Yeah.

So if the Chinese steal those identities, it's gonna backfire.

It's like, "I am Bryan Taylor now."

It's like, "Okay, Bryan Taylor, you owe Verizon $400."

"No!"

All right, moving on to some education news.

Every public school struggles to raise money

for its students and teachers.

But a fundraiser at one elementary school in California

might have backfired.

REPORTER: Disney sent a $250 bill

to a California elementary school

after it showed last year's remake of The Lion King

at a PTA fundraiser.

On Thursday a Berkeley elementary school

received a letter from Disney's licensing agent

and the letter ordered the school to pay the money

for screening the movie last November without a license.

CHILD: The Disney place

wanted some money

because they own, like, all of the movie.

They showed the movie that they own,

so they want the 250 dol...

Well, kin... They kind of want the $250.

Oh, no, young man.

Disney doesn't "kinda" want the $250,

Disney's gonna get the $250.

Yeah, right now, somewhere Yoda is like,

"My money bitch better have."

So, yeah, Disney sent a $250 bill

to an elementary school for showing The Lion King.

Meanwhile, the producers of Cats are giving $250

to every school that shows their film.

"Please, play the movie, play the movie. Please.

You can use this instead of spanking the kids."

"We're not monsters."

Now, I'm, like... This is what's get...

I'm sure there are many schools in America

that play Disney movies and don't get busted.

So what I want to know is...

who snitched? Huh?

Is there, like, one kid who had one of those toy phones

that calls Mickey Mouse directly and was just like,

"Mickey, I got some valuable information."

Mickey was like, "Oh, oh, I'm on the way!

I'm gonna break some kneecaps!"

It's like, who is this kid?

All right. And, finally, Valentine's Day

is just three days away. So, first of all,

if you were planning to break up with someone, too late.

Now you have to wait another week.

But if you've already been broken up with,

here's a little gift you can get for your ex.

Valentine's Day fast approaching,

and we have the perfect idea for a very unique gift

for a way to get back at an ex.

The Bronx Zoo is once again letting people

name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after their partner.

That gift'll only cost you 15 bucks.

If you're looking for a way to feel better

about a recent breakup, zoos in San Antonio

and El Paso, Texas will name a cockroach after your ex.

Then-- check this out-- you can watch a livestream

of that roach being fed to an animal.

-Really? -(audience hooting, applauding)

Really?

Man. I feel bad for the cockroaches.

They can survive a nuclear war but they can't survive

Alan and Janet's Saturday at Ikea? Really?

And I'm sorry, but anyone who does this

deserves to get dumped. They deserved it. Yeah.

Because you clearly don't know how to deal with your feelings.

It's like, "Melissa thinks I'm too emotional?

Well, I'll show her by making a cockroach die."

Also, what a cumbersome way to get revenge on your ex.

Like, because they won't know it happened.

Right? Unless you tell them.

It's not like they're gonna be somewhere, like...

(gasps) "Oh, no. A cockroach with my name just died."

You're gonna have to call your ex

and let them know what you did. Is that the plan?

Just be like, "Guess what, Susan.

"I named a cockroach after you.

Then a lizard ate it."

It's like, "Uh, okay, Greg.

I just had my third kid with the guy I left you for."

"Okay, so-so we're both good then.

"Huh. Three kids? Okay, bye.

Hello, Bronx Zoo? I need three more cockroaches, please."

Also, can we admit that this is a scam that the zoo is running?

Buy a roach from them and they'll kill it?

No. You can just find a cockroach in your own apartment,

yeah, name it after your ex

and then start dating it.