Unlikely Things to Hear at the Royal Variety Show.

IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello, I'm Frankie Boyle!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Our next act, Mr Memory, couldn't be with us

this evening, he's in the Pizza Express in Woking.

LAUGHTER

They asked me not to do any Prince Andrew jokes tonight

and I said, "Sure, no sweat."

LAUGHTER

And for her next trick, The Queen will make

Prince Andrew's birthday disappear.

LAUGHTER

At this point in the evening I'd just like to ask

the members of the royal family to put their rifles away

as I welcome to the stage the cast of The Lion King!

LAUGHTER

At 93 years old, I think we'll all agree it's just good

to see her out of the house at this time of the year.

Give it up for Madonna!

LAUGHTER

Welcome Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Posh and the other one.

Yes, it's the royal family!

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately Prince Andrew is running late, because

he's stuck in trafficking.

LAUGHTER, GASPS AND APPLAUSE

Well, we're now going to end this evening of royal entertainment

in this magnificent theatre in the traditional way -

a fly through by the Red Arrows!

LAUGHTER

It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band REM.

I've got a photograph of me with them years ago.

That's me in the corner.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This next act needs no introduction.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, she bends, she twists, she contorts herself,

but the Queen cannot get out of her obligation to attend

this shitshow.

LAUGHTER

And your card is what?

The four of clubs?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think you're going to enjoy this, Your Majesty.

Our next act is a dog act.

It uses corgis, because they're exactly the right

shape to fit in the cannon.

LAUGHTER

Welcome to the stage Britain's premier OAP break dancing group,

Hip Op!

LAUGHTER

No, Liz, why don't you shut the fuck up?!

LAUGHTER