Wow.

Mama spent some money today on an outfit

that makes her look very smart and slimming.

It feels very businesslike, doesn't it?

It does.

Feels like spring has sprung, and I'm

about to go into business.

[LAUGHTER]

I'll buy into that business.

Thank you.

You had a birthday a couple of weeks ago.

Sorry, I wasn't invited.

But how did that go?

Well, I turned 45 years old.

So I was pretty excited.

[APPLAUSE]

Why are you laughing at that?

[LAUGHING]

What do you think?

That's a joke.

I'm not laughing.

I'm laughing-- I'm so happy that you're aging so beautifully.

[LAUGHTER]

I say I turned 45, and he laughs in my face.

Anyway, I decided to celebrate by skiing down a mountain.

Oh, yeah.

But without any pants on.

Let's see.

[LAUGHTER]

And so I--

Wait, totally naked?

Well, no, I had underwear on.

Just a thong.

Yeah.

I mean, obviously I don't want to get, you know,

chapped or anything.

[LAUGHTER]

I have to protect my area.

But see, my form?

Sure.

And I have what looks like--

What is that?

A joint and a margarita.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

[LAUGHTER]

But obviously, that's like--

I wouldn't do that.

Because that's irresponsible.

Right.

I would never ski down a mountain

with an actual margarita and a lit joint.

Yeah, so--

It's almost impossible, actually.

So--

So what was it then?

So it was a prop.

[LAUGHTER]

Two props, yeah.

Oh, two props.

Well--

You got from the prop table at the ski resort?

Yes.

Yeah.

No, you know, I don't want anybody to get in trouble,

and the mountain frowns upon smoking on the mountain.

And I, of course, do too.

And so the people I was around, like my ski guide.

This woman got in a lot of trouble.

How could you let Chelsea ski down without any pants

on, with a joint and margarita.

Like this is-- and I felt bad, because I didn't

want to get her in trouble.

And I always get people in trouble, you know?

Right, right, right, right.

But it's not her fault. Because if I want to take my pants off

with a margarita and a joint and ski down a mountain,

then I'm going to do it.

And nobody is going to stop me.

Yeah.

[APPLAUSE]

I love that.

Know what I mean?

It's my birthday.

Air high five.

Yeah.

So--

That's how I celebrate me.

I love-- I love it.

At least somebody does.

Yes, exactly.

Hey, remember the first time we fell in love?

Yes, I do.

That was at the game show, right?

Yes.

On NBC?

Yeah.

And we were-- were we playing on the same team?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well not any more.

We had a strong connection.

Yeah.

And then I came on Will & Grace.

Yes.

And I played a lesbian with my best friend, Mary McCormick.

We played a lesbian couple.

She was a little bit domineering, which is basically

our relationship in real life.

I love her.

And--

She's great.

And we had a really--

I had a very hard time being on a sitcom.

And you guys were trying to be very nice.

You were fantastic.

I'm not good reading other people's lines.

I'm better when I just say what I feel like.

Yeah.

But you were really truly, truly fantastic.

And I was-- you really were.

It was hilarious.

[INAUDIBLE] It was bad.

It was bad.

I watched the show.

I was there.

And you were amazing.

The taping-- the taping of the show ended up being fine.

But the rehearsals.

Like I don't prepare for things, and they do.

So when I came on thinking, I'm like hot.

I'm like, oh, yeah, Will & Grace.

I can nail this.

And then, like, you know, two days into rehearsal,

they're, like, you need to learn your lines, little girl.

And then you were like, can you run lines with me?

And I was like busy.

No, I'm kidding.

Will you make friends with me.

No, you were so sweet and so funny.

Do you-- have you ever played a lesbian in real life?

I have played a lesbian in real life.

You have?

Yeah, I went to college.

Well, I didn't, but I acted like I did.

[LAUGHTER]

Wait, you didn't go to college?

I did not get accepted anywhere.

No.

What about now?

Try now.

I mean, I would probably get in now.

I took my SATs--

If you could ski there, you'd go.

[LAUGHTER]

Yeah, if you could take skiing-- if you could take college

while you're skiing.

Sure.

So I didn't take school seriously,

so, no, I didn't get in.

I didn't go to college because I didn't apply to college.

Well, it's good that this is a daytime show.

So, listen, Mary--

[LAUGHTER]

Mary McCormack is posting PSAs on social media

to help you find love.

I'm just trying to cast a wide net.

And I-- and she's encouraging me to spread that message,

that I'm available and ready for a relationship.

So I'm saying it over and over and over again.

OK, so what kind of guy are you looking for?

Uh--

Like, what do you look for in a guy?

Like physical first?

I want physical ruggedness.

Does it matter?

Brains?

Ruggedness.

Somebody who can pick me up and throw me around,

if I need that to happen.

[LAUGHTER]

You know, not like a requirement daily--

At a moment's notice.

But like in a situation, if we're in a jam,

and you need to pick me up, I need you to be able to do that.

Well, I need to say something.

I think one of your deepest, darkest secrets that nobody

knows, and I do, is that you're an incredibly charitable kind,

sweet person.

And you are gorgeous.

And any man would be so lucky to have you.

Well that-- thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

Yeah, it's true.

Well, I appreciate that.

Unfortunately that would mean a lot more

coming from a straight man.

So--

[LAUGHTER]

Look, I can pretend.

I wear a lot of hats.

Yeah, yeah.

So I have some super exciting news

that you're going to be returning to stand-up.

Is that true?

I am.

I am returning to stand-up.

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Thank you, yeah.

I am loving it again.

I mean, I'm in a whole new kind of phase of my life.

So I'm like, clear headed, you know,

not boozing and drinking the way that I used to.

So I'm, like, present and meditating.

I love that.

Doing all the stuff I used to make fun of.

And do--

Now, I mean, I'm not going on a silent retreat

anytime soon, OK.

I mean, I'm not that carried away.

But I'm definitely like, on the train

to, like, self-help and self betterment.

And what made you want to stop doing stand-up

in the first place?

Oh, just being burnt out and doing too much of it.

And traveling all the time.

Yeah.

And not really appreciating the moment.

And I didn't really feel like I had a message.

I think now, from my last book, it's about grief and death.

And I'm, like, if I can turn that into a stand-up special

and make it funny--

Yeah, I love that.

To talk about those topics, then I have a message,

and I have something.

So, you know, if you're interested in seeing me,

just follow me on one of those--

Go to your house?

Media.

Come over.

Sean will tweet out the address in about five min--

it's probably out there already.

So just come over.

But you do have two true loves of your life already.

Bert and Bernice, you're talking about my dogs?

Yes.

Yeah, yes.

How are they?

What's new?

Oh, look at that.

That's like me, holding them at gunpoint,

trying to take a picture, you know.

I mean, yeah, so Burt and Bernice

are a brother and sister duo.

And Bert is the Lion King in my mind.

I love that.

And Bernice likes to sleep out on the balcony,

and she's aloof.

So I'm working on Bert.

So now he's trained to come up to my bed

and sleep with me at night without a leash.

So we're making progress.

So, if you do that to a man, you're all set.

That's-- that's true.

That's true, Sean.

Train--

I am all set, thank you.

[LAUGHTER]