I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

IS EERVE YOU SOUND GOOD.

YOU PEOPLE SOUND GOOD.

IS EVERYBODY OKAY TONIGHT?

>> YEAH!

>> Stephen: I'M GLAD TO HEAR THAT, THIS CORONAVIRUS, JON,

IT'S MAKING PEOPLE ANXIOUS.

PEOPLE ARE REALLY NERVOUS.

BUT AT A TIME LIKE THIS, WE ALL NEED TO LAUGH AND TO BE

TOGETHER...

FROM A DISTANCE OF ABOUT 20 FEET, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE, STARTING ON MONDAY-- AND THIS IS TRUE--

OUT OF AN ABUNDANCE OF CAUTION, "THE LATE SHOW"" ALONG WITH ALL

THE OTHER LATE-NIGHT SHOWS IN NEW YORK CITY WILL GO WITHOUT

AUDIENCES-- ( BOOING )

SEE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT ON MONDAY.

WE'RE GOING TOO THIS FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE, SO YOU

PEOPLE, THIS AUDIENCE TONIGHT, YOU'RE ONE OF THE LAST AUDIENCES

I WILL HAVE.

YOU ARE ALL COLLECTOR'S ITEMS.

HAVE YOURSELVES NOTARIZED.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OKAY.

AND AS COLLECTOR'S ITEMS-- AND THIS IS IMPORTANT-- UNTIL THIS

IS OVER, STAY IN YOUR ORIGINAL PACKAGING, OR ELSE YOU LOSE ALL

YOUR VALUE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE LATEST ON THE CORONAVIRUS IN MY PLEASE LET IT

BE OVER SOON SEGMENT, "GOIN' VIRAL."

>> THIS IS GONNA BE SICK, YO!

UP TOP!

>> Stephen: THERE ARE NOW-- ( LAUGHTER )

I AM NOT GOING TO MISS HIM.

THERE ARE NOW OVER 1,000 CASES OF THE CORONAVIRUS IN THE UNITED

STATES, AND THIS AFTERNOON, THE WORLD HEALTH ORGANIZATION

DECLARED CORONAVIRUS A PANDEMIC.

AND CONGRESS GOT AN UPDATE FROM INFECTIOUS DISEASE EXPERT AND

NICE DOCTOR YOUR MOM FLIRTS WITH, ANTHONY FAUCI.

DR. FAUCI HAS BEEN ONE OF THE MAIN VOICES FROM THE

ADMINISTRATION ON CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS WHY HE WAS CALLED TO

TESTIFY IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE.

AND FAUCI STRUCK A POSITIVE NOTE WHEN HE ANSWERED A QUESTION

ABOUT HOW MANY AMERICANS MIGHT BE AFFECTED.

>> I CAN'T GIVE YOU A REALISTIC NUMBER UNTIL WE PUT INTO THE

FACTOR OF HOW WE RESPOND.

IF WE ARE COMPLACENT AND DON'T DO REALLY AGGRESSIVE CONTAINMENT

AND MITIGATION, THE NUMBER COULD GO WAY UP AND BE INVOLVED IN

MANY, MANY MILLIONS.

>> Stephen: TO BE CLEAR, HE'S NOT SAYING MILLIONS WILL DIE,

JUST THAT MILLIONS MIGHT GET IT.

SO TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN, THEN DON'T TOUCH YOUR FROWN.

IT'S ON YOUR FACE!

MASSACHUSETTS REPRESENTATIVE STEPHEN LYNCH TOOK FAUCI AND

C.D.C. DIRECTOR REDFIELD TO TASK OVER NOT STANDING UP TO THE

PRESIDENT'S LIES.

>> THE PRESIDENT, ON MARCH 6, TOLD THE PEOPLE IN MY DISTRICT

PUBLICLY THAT THE TESTS WERE READY.

THERE WERE NO TESTS.

ZERO, ZERO.

HE SAID THIS IN FRONT OF SOME OF YOU AT A PUBLIC HEARING, AT A

PRESS CONFERENCE.

AND I SAW NO ONE STEP UP AND SAY, "NO, THE PRESIDENT WASN'T

CORRECT."

WE NEED YOU TO STEP UP.

WE REALLY NEED HONESTY HERE.

AND WHEN THE PRESIDENT IS MAKING STATEMENTS LIKE THIS, WE NEED

PUSHBACK FROM THE PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIALS.

YOU KNOW, STANDING BEHIND HIM AND NODDING SILENTLY, OR AN

EYEROLL ONCE IN A WHILE, IS NOT GOING TO GET IT.

>> Stephen: HOLD ON.

ANYONE WHO DOESN'T THINK AN EYEROLL IS ENOUGH HAS NEVER HAD

A TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS SOCIAL DISTANCING.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT IS--

>> Jon: MY GOODNESS.

>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE'S CORONAVIRUS TASK

FORCE HELD AN EMERGENCY PRESS BRIEFING, AND DR. FAUCI

EMPHASIZED THAT DAILY LIFE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.

>> YOU HAVE TO START TAKING SERIOUSLY WHAT YOU CAN DO NOW,

THAT IF AND WHEN THE INFECTIONS WILL COME-- AND THEY WILL COME,

SORRY TO SAY, SAD TO SAY, THEY WILL.

WE WOULD LIKE THE COUNTRY TO REALIZE THAT AS A NATION, WE

CAN'T BE DOING THE KINDS OF THINGS WE WERE DOING A FEW

MONTHS AGO.

>> Stephen: BUT I WANT TO!

( LAUGHTER ) A FEW MONTHS AGO WAS GREAT!

IT WAS THE HOLIDAYS!

I WAS DRUNK ON EGGNOG!

I WAS WATCHING "CHEER."

I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH BABY YODA!

I WAS LOOKING FORWARD-- I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO IMPEACHING

THE PRESIDENT.

REMEMBER THAT FEELING?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE GOING TO GET TRUMP!

BOLTON'S GOING TO TESTIFY, AND THE SENATE'S GOING TO DO THE

RIGHT THING!

IT'S ONLY MARCH, AND 2020 HAS DONE THE IMPOSSIBLE: MADE ME

NOSTALGIC FOR 2019.

NOW EARLIER IN THE BRIEFING, WE HEARD FROM TASK FORCE LEADER AND

MAN WHO HAS QUARANTINED HIS MIND FROM KNOWLEDGE--

( LAUGHTER ) -- VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE.

HE ADDRESSED A GROWING CONCERN FOR AMERICANS: THE COST OF

TESTING AND TREATMENT.

>> ALL OF OUR MAJOR HEALTH INSURANCE COMPANIES HAVE NOW

JOINED WITH MEDICARE AND MEDICAID AND AGREED TO WAIVE ALL

COPAYS, COVER THE COST OF ALL TREATMENT FOR THOSE THAT

CONTRACT THE CORONAVIRUS.

>> Stephen: WHAT A COOL IDEA!

IT'S LIKE MEDICARE BUT...

FOR ALL.

( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

THAT'S REALLY-- THAT WOULD BE KIND OF COOL.

THAT MIGHT BE-- THAT MIGHT BE-- HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?

>> Jon: I LIKE THAT!

>> Stephen: HOW DID HE THINK OF THAT?

SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES AND TED CRUZ COSPLAYER,

ALEX AZAR, HAD SOME CONFUSING ADVICE.

>> Reporter: PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID ON FRIDAY THAT ANYONE WHO

WANTS TO GET TESTED CAN GET TESTED.

>> IF THEIR DOCTOR-- WE'VE ALWAYS BEEN CLEAR: IF THEIR

DOCTOR OR PUBLIC HEALTH PHYSICIAN BELIEVES THEY NEED TO

BE TESTED, IT NEEDS TO ALWAYS BE CLINICALLY INDICATED

TO GET A TEST.

SO IT'S A FALSE PREMISE.

GO TO YOUR DOCTOR-- ACTUALLY DON'T GO TO YOUR DOCTOR.

CALL YOUR DOCTOR'S OFFICE FIRST.

>> Stephen: (AS AZAR) "ACTUALLY, DON'T CALL.

THEY'RE VERY BUSY.

WRITE YOUR DOCTOR A LETTER, BUT DON'T SEND IT, BECAUSE YOU

SHOULDN'T LICK STAMPS.

MAYBE JUST TRY EATING SOME RAW GARLIC.

WAIT, NO, THAT'S FOR VAMPIRES.

THE ONE THING I CAN SAY FOR SURE IS DO NOT ASK ME FOR ADVICE."

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

DAILY LIFE-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Jon: I'M GOOD.

I'M STAYING HEALTHY.

>> Stephen: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS?

>> Jon: 10 OUT OF 10, POPS.

>> Stephen: DAILY LIFE IS CHANGING.

FOR INSTANCE, TO COMBAT THE CORONAVIRUS, HARVARD WANTS

STUDENTS TO MOVE OUT IN FIVE DAYS.

SO, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HISTORY, HARVARD IS NOW YOUR

SAFETY SCHOOL.

( LAUGHTER ) AND HARVARD IS NOT ALONE.

STUDENTS FROM MAINE'S BOWDOIN COLLEGE WON'T RETURN TO CAMPUS

AFTER SPRING BREAK.

IT'S TO PROTECT THE STUDENTS, ESPECIALLY THE SCHOOL'S MOST

POPULAR FRATERNITY PHI CATCHA VIRUS.

( LAUGHTER ) SHOUT OUT TO MY PHI CATCH

BROTHERS.

WE HAVE A VERY SIMPLE SECRET HANDSHAKE.

( LAUGHTER ) NOBODY'S PLEDGING THIS YEAR.

NO ONE'S PLEDGING THIS YEAR.

BUT THE EXTENDED BREAK DOESN'T MEAN THE COUNTRY'S TURNING INTO

PARTY CENTRAL.

IN FACT, FLORIDA SPRING BREAK TOURISM IS NOW IN QUESTION AMID

THE SPREAD OF THE CORONAVIRUS.

SO SPRING BREAK ESTABLISHMENTS ARE TAKING EXTRA PRECAUTIONS

THIS YEAR.

SENIOR FROG'S JUST INTRODUCED THEIR PURELL T-SHIRT CONTEST.

( LAUGHTER ) THE COUNCIL ON FOREIGN RELATIONS

HAS CANCELLED A CORONAVIRUS CONFERENCE BECAUSE OF THE

CORONAVIRUS.

( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )

THAT WAS A SURPRISE.

SOMETHING-- >> Jon: ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

>> Stephen: SOMETHING OF A SURPRISE.

IN RELATED NEWS, THE INTERNATIONAL IRONY FESTIVAL

IS GOING AHEAD AS PLANNED.

( LAUGHTER ) BEST YEAR EVER.

THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALSO AFFECTING THE 2020 RACE.

LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT THAT SUNDAY'S DEBATE BETWEEN

JOE BIDEN AND BERNIE SANDERS IN PHOENIX WILL BE HELD WITHOUT AN

AUDIENCE, WHICH IS WHY CNN HAS ALREADY REDONE THE PROPOSALOZE.

JIM.

>> BERNIE VRLS BIDEN, TWO OLD MEN, ONE SILENT ROOM.

WHO.

WILL.

NOD.

OFF PD FIRST.

( SNORING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Stephen: I'LL WATCH IT.

I WILL WATCH THAT.

PLACE YOUR BETS NOW!

ONE SECTOR OF THE ECONOMY THAT'S BEING HIT ESPECIALLY HARD WITH

CANCELLATIONS IS THE TRAVEL INDUSTRY.

BECAUSE OF REDUCED DEMAND, AIRLINES COULD LOSE

$113 BILLION.

THAT IS ALMOST ENOUGH TO PAY FOR THREE CHECKED BAGGING ON UNITED.

MAKING MATTERS WORSE, AT AN AIRPORT IN CALIFORNIA, THREE

T.S.A. AGENTS JUST TESTED POSITIVE FOR CORONAVIRUS.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

( AS T.S.A. AGENT ) "SIR, IS THIS YOUR BAG?

OKAY, GREAT, I'M GOING TO TOUCH EVERY SINGLE ITEM IN IT.

IS THIS YOUR SANDWICH?

IS THIS YOUR SANDWICH?

GREAT, THAT'S GOOD TO GO.

YOU CAN EAT THAT.

BUT THIS HAND SANITIZER, THAT'S LIQUID.

IN THE TRASH IT GOES.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THERE YOU GO.

( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS )

ALL RIGHT.

COME HERE.

COME HERE.

OKAY.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT FACE OF YOURS.

ANOTHER GOOD, GOOD, NICE FIRM EYEBALLS.

THAT'S GOOD.

THAT TONGUE'S NICE AND MOIST.

TELL YOU WHAT, I'M GOING TO HAND YOU OFF TO MY ASSOCIATE, DALE.

I'M FEELING A LITTLE...

I'M GETTING CHILLS.

BEFORE YOU GO, JUST LET ME CUP YER...

YEAH, YEAH.

YOU'RE GOOD.

THAT'S LESS THAN THREE OUNCES.

" ( LAUGHTER )

ONE GROUP ISN'T TOO WORRIED, THOUGH, BECAUSE YOUNG PEOPLE ARE

CAPITALIZING ON CHEAP CORONAVIRUS FLIGHTS.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY DON'T GET IT!

RIGHT?

YOUNG PEOPLE ARE FINE, SUPPOSEDLY?

I DON'T KNOW.

ONE COLLEGE STUDENT TAKING A CHEAP FLIGHT TO NEW YORK TOLD

REPORTERS, "I FEEL LIKE IF THE CORONAVIRUS WOULD GET EVEN

MORE SERIOUS AND, LIKE, WIPE OUT A LARGE AMOUNT OF PEOPLE, I

MIGHT AS WELL BE SOMEWHERE HAVING FUN."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SO NOW, AS PEOPLE

SELF-QUARANTINE, SHE'LL BE TAKING PICTURES IN TIMES SQUARE.

I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE NEWS: TIMES SQUARE IS NOT FUN, UNLESS YOU

HAVE A FETISH FOR PEOPLE IN URINE-SOAKED ELMO COSTUMES.

ONE GUY-- ONE GUY WHO JUST BOOKED A CRUISE TOLD REPORTERS

THA HE DOESN'T BELIEVE THE CORONAVIRUS IS A HOAX.

HE DOESN'T THINK FEARS OF IT ARE OVERHYPED.

AND HIS GIRLFRIEND TRIED TO CONVINCE HIM IT WAS A BAD IDEA.

IT'S YOUR TYPICAL BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND DYNAMIC.

( AS BOYFRIEND ) "LOOK, BABE, WE MADE A DEAL.

LAST WEEK, WE WENT TO THAT ART IN THE PARK THING YOU WANTED TO

DO, SO THIS WEEK, WE GO ON THE DEATH SHIP.

IT'S FAIR."

HERE IN NEW YORK, OFFICIALS ARE RAMPING UP THE CORONAVIRUS

RESPONSE.

YESTERDAY, ORGANIZERS CANCELLED THE NEW YORK CITY HALF MARATHON.

NO WORD ON WHETHER THEY'RE GOING TO CANCEL THE SECOND HALF.

( LAUGHTER ) THE CITY IS ALSO WORKING TO

PROTECT COMMUTERS, ANNOUNCING A PLAN TO DOUBLE

CORONAVIRUS-RELATED CLEANINGS OF NEW YORK CITY SUBWAYS.

( APPLAUSE ).

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

DOUBLE!

DOUBLE.

>> Jon: THEY'RE GOING TO DOUBLE IT UP.

>> Stephen: SO TWICE A YEAR.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT!

MR. HANK AZARIA IS HERE.

WHEN WE RETURN THERE'S MORE MONOLOGUE.

THERE'S JUST TOO MUCH TO TALK BMY FRIENDS.

STICK AROUND.