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  • This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.

  • Joining me today, he reads books you know, it's Chris Joel.

  • Everybody's favourite Gary Brannan, Gary Brannan.

  • "All I'm gonna tell you is the whole thing will need ripping out, burning, and starting again, Vicar."

  • And the bounciest man on the Internet, Matt Gray

  • Insert soliloquy here...

  • Thanks Matt.

  • In front of me I've got an article from Wikipedia and these folks can't see it.

  • Every fact they get right is a a point and a ding [DING].

  • And there's a special prize for particularly good answers which is

  • And today was are talking about Camille Flammarion.

  • Hello foreign parts.

  • -Yes... absolutely. -Hello.

  • Any guesses as to which foreign part?

  • "France"?

  • Point. Straight off the bat. [DING] Yes.

  • And the wheel spins and lands on France!

  • Again!

  • The wheel is 50% France.

  • "France... rest of the world."

  • Flammarion?

  • Flammarion.

  • OK, we are going to need an occupation here.

  • Yeah, we are. Astronomer and author.

  • It's a long article, so I'm happy to give you that.

  • Astr-author?

  • Astr-author. Yes, he was a-str-author.

  • So he wrote books about astronomy, that were either fact or fiction.

  • Well that's the thing. They were both. I'm going to give you a point. [DING]

  • "Faction!"

  • Isn't that just lies?

  • Oh! Faction is already a word.

  • He wrote both science fiction and popular science

  • God, I hope he didn't get those two mixed up.

  • Ah! Yes, well, funny you should mention that, Gary.

  • "I have the manuscripts here of my important scientific work...

  • "and my one here about men with bum-faces from Venus.

  • "But they both went to the same printer on the same day, in the same envelope!"

  • "We can completely agree with Professor whatever..."

  • -Flammarion! -Flammarion.

  • He was not a professor.

  • "...on gravitational waves, but the bum faced goats from Mars, are a completely different concept."

  • I mean, I'm not going to give you bum faced aliens from Mars

  • -But I will... -Well, there's a first!

  • I am going to give you a point for Mars [DING] He was one of the people who...

  • Canals on Mars?

  • -Point! [DING] Absolutely right. -There we go!

  • Percival Lowell in America, was the one who came up with the theory.

  • But yes, he thought there were artificial canals on Mars.

  • What? For boating?

  • Yeah! Big, big canal boating system.

  • Big recreational holiday market out there, to be honest.

  • Go to Mars. Get a narrowboat.

  • Pootle along the canals of Mars.

  • At a gentle four miles per Mars hour.

  • The canals on Mars were actually what?

  • Motorways.

  • Just rain covered motorways. When they looked at them through the telescope, the light glinted off them.

  • -It was an easy mistake. Anyone could have made it. -Swans landing on it, all the time.

  • All the bloody time.

  • Cobwebs on the telescope?

  • Erm... not quite.

  • Not quite.

  • They were natural formations, weren't they?

  • No!

  • No, not at all. And they weren't artificial formations either.

  • So they weren't formations at all!

  • I will give you a point. [DING]

  • Can you explain what they were?

  • No!

  • I was just being a pedant about what you'd said.

  • There are two possible explanations for the canals.

  • -One... -They're canals!

  • OK, there are three...

  • But one of them was definitely wrong. There are still two, that are... possibly...

  • One is that there was a formation... something they saw, they misinterpreted.

  • The other...

  • is an optical illusion.

  • Like the one when you go to the fair and you walk in and the mirror makes you look all small and fat?

  • Yeah, that it made a load of...

  • Watch it! Watch it, watch it... Watch it!

  • It made a load of points look like lines that connected up, through a slightly dodgy telescope.

  • But! Why canals?

  • It could have been rivers or...

  • -They were straight lines. -They were very straight.

  • So they looked more like canals than rivers.

  • So they looked like irrigation canals.

  • You know what? If I had the ability to do one gigantic s***-stirring effort

  • I would now transport myself to Mars... with a canal boat!

  • Just be there waving.

  • No. Put it out on Mars and half bury it, like it's been there a long time.

  • When the next Mars rover comes over the hill. "Holy s***!"

  • I suppose the Curiosity rover's the size of a big car.

  • Yeah!

  • So if you make it shorter and longer, it's a narrowboat rover.

  • If you just put, I don't know, some...

  • expanding foam sealant around the windows and doors. I'm sure it would be airtight enough.

  • I mean let's face it, the moon lander was made of tin foil. A canal boat's way stronger!

  • Hello NASA?

  • Yes, it's Matt Gray.

  • Put narrowboats on Mars.

  • They've gone.

  • See, this is how the world gets sorted.

  • Yeah! Matt Gray.

  • "Hello World Organisation, it is Matt Gray!"

  • So... Flammarion was...

  • I'm going to try... I'm going to try.

  • I'm not even off tangent. We're talking about canals on Mars.

  • Yeah, yeah!

  • Oh yeah!

  • This is perfectly on stream!

  • How did we stay relevant?!

  • It's a skill!

  • I dunno? Six years later, how are we still relevant?

  • Flammarion was both scientist and... very much not a scientist.

  • So he was exposed to two very different lines of thought.

  • One of them was very much scientific method. Who in his era would have been

  • the person, standing at the front of, "this is science against religion"?

  • The chief scientist?

  • Darwin!

  • Point. [DING] Exactly right. And then on the other hand,

  • the rising popularity of what less scientific movement?

  • Roller skating?

  • Not really... I mean, it is a movement!

  • Very movement! Straight line, forwards or backwards. Yes.

  • Bowel?

  • Not a bowel movement! No, we're not having...

  • Chris, save us!

  • Cubism?

  • Way too early.

  • I don't know!

  • Spiritualism.

  • -The idea that... -"Knock three times...."

  • Yes, the idea that you could talk to the dead.

  • So he was astronomer, mystic and story teller. In a time when...

  • Liar, liar... and liar!

  • No, astronomer!

  • This is the thing. This is where astronomy and astrology hadn't quite sorted each other out yet.

  • Diverged, yeah.

  • So in 1907, he wrote that dwellers on Mars had tried to communicate with the Earth.

  • Naturally.

  • And also that what was heading towards Earth?

  • -Cylinders... -Following cylinders!

  • No one would have believed in the last years of the nineteenth century

  • that canals on Mars were being observed...

  • No. Not in this case. Something from a little bit further out.

  • Asteroid?

  • Asteroid.

  • Aste... Uranus?!

  • You're very close with asteroid.

  • Comet?

  • Point! [DING] for that. Comet is absolutely right.

  • A seven tailed comet.

  • Are you sure that's not just a very badly focused telescope again?

  • Well that was the thing, yes!

  • It seems to be swirling in a spiral!

  • A small comet's seen, it did not have seven tails.

  • "He's using the kaleidoscope again, isn't he?"

  • They are in a formation, where there is one at the top, one on each side...

  • and there is an upside down one at the bottom.

  • Oh ****ing hell! Giant spiders in space!

  • Along those lines, 1910, what astronomical event revisited us?

  • Halley's.

  • Yeah, you got there first again, have a point. [DING]

  • He caused a bit of a fuss, did Flammarion.

  • Earth was actually going to pass through the tail of Halley's comet. For the first time.

  • And we also, for the first time, had spectroscopic data on what it was composed of.

  • So they looked at the light coming out of it, to find out what...

  • To find out what elements and what stuff was in the tail, that Earth was going to pass through.

  • I'm surprised they could do that then.

  • Yep! 1910.

  • It's the first time they were able to do it. So it was a close approach.

  • We were passing through the tail. What did Flammarion say...

  • "We're all going to die!"

  • Point! [DING]

  • But how?

  • Bearing in mind they now knew what the tail was composed of and what some of the stuff...

  • Poisoning! Asphyxiation!

  • Yes! Absolutely right. Poison gas. [DING]

  • There was a cyanogen, which is (CN)₂. There are brackets there, so it's 2 of each.

  • Colourless, toxic gas.

  • And apparently he thought "well that's in the tail of the comet."

  • "We're going to pass through the tail of the comet."

  • "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

  • He was wrong.

  • Hello!

  • No way! Really?

  • He said it would impregnate the atmosphere and possibly snuff out all life on the planet.

  • Did he use the words 'snuff out'?

  • Erm, I...

  • -I hope so. -Being French...

  • "Ze snuff."

  • I would have thought he would have done that in French.

  • I believe that is a translation.

  • "C'est buggered!"

  • What did it cause?

  • PANIC!

  • To a certain extent. I'll give you a point. [DING]

  • MILD DISQUIET!

  • Witty headlines!

  • A jump in sale of wine.

  • A jump in the sale of something.

  • Lifeboats?

  • Umbrellas?

  • Wills?

  • Gas masks?

  • Point. [DING]

  • Absolutely right. So in 1910, he essentially caused a slight panic buy of gas masks.

  • Could be handy a few years later, eh?

  • -I refrained from making that joke. -That's not unfair...

  • But yes, that was one of the things. Then he wrote a series of science fiction books.

  • One of which was called 'Real and Imaginary Worlds'.

  • -I'm going to guess it was more imaginary than real. -I can only think of one real one he knew anything about.

  • And he was also wrong.

  • Now we have talked about psychics, mediums and all this before

  • Several times.

  • Several times, but the approach here was somewhat different.

  • So are we looking for the scientific analysis of ghosts?

  • Point. [DING]

  • Yes, he was looking at it from the scientific method.

  • And... for the time... was remarkably skeptical.

  • OK.

  • There is a wonderful quote here.

  • "It is infinitely to be regretted that we cannot trust the loyalty of mediums. They almost always cheat."

  • How very dare he.

  • That doesn't mean he didn't believe it.

  • But he was certainly very skeptical about it.

  • He thought they were doing it the wrong way?

  • He thought it might be possible, but...

  • What he needed wasn't a medium.

  • And I know it would be very hard to find in France,

  • but he needed a well done.

  • I'm not biscuiting that! I'm just... I'm not!

  • Oh come on, that's beautiful.

  • That's good stuff.

  • It's a rare thing in France.

  • Have I mentioned before I've actually been to a spiritualist service?

  • -Is that like a church service? -Yeah.

  • No, no, he just took his spiritualist in for a tune up(!)

  • No... no!

  • -I actually meant... -"The readings are a bit off. They need..."

  • -I meant this as a valid question. -Yeah, as in...

  • I went to be serviced by a spiritualist?

  • No, no, I had a day...

  • That's very different, Matt!

  • I can tell you now, that's not what happened!

  • No, no. I'd been out with a friend of mine. I'd had a few. I will admit this. And I walked past.

  • And there is a Spiritualist church, near where I lived. And there was a sign in the window saying...

  • "Display of Mediumship Tonight".

  • And I thought... in for a laugh!

  • Yeah, OK.

  • So I snuck in. I went up, and in the first row of this building. It was like this... church!

  • They had fitted it out with pews and a pulpit and an altar and the lot!

  • And this bloke was stood in the pulpit, doing...

  • effectively, live spiritualist... this was the big religion of the early 20th century.

  • This even took in Rudyard Kipling after his son was killed.

  • There were thousands. People were really into it and it still hangs on in certain parts.

  • Is this like the American stuff?

  • Yeah, exactly the same, yeah. But he's doing live. It was...

  • s***!

  • I can't put it any different, it was ####!

  • I was expecting any other word there.

  • I walked in. I thought, "OK, I'm... You know, there's lots of older ladies in there". And I thought, well, as the new...

  • bloke in the room...

  • if he wants to show off...

  • he's going to pick on me.

  • He could... I'd had a few. I'm open to anything, and if he could pick something out that...

  • he doesn't know, I'll be genuinely impressed. If nothing else, in his skill at cold reading.

  • He just stood there, and this is a mill town in the north of England...

  • right, and goes... "Now, I'm... I'm getting the vision of someone... who worked... in a factory."

  • "Maybe on some kind of cloth... machine?"

  • "They were called... Edith."

  • And at one point, someone would go "Oh yeah! Yeah, that's my sister's friend, when I was younger."

  • That... far away... a link!

  • "Now! He's saying something about money."

  • I mean... I could do this s***!

  • "Is there a problem with..." There was one were he said something like

  • "Is there a problem with a child?"

  • And she's kinda, "No!"

  • "Erm? Oh, the readings are very fuzzy from the other side."

  • "Is there a problem with children or young people at all?"

  • "No?"

  • "It's for the future!"

  • Oh yes!

  • And that's how you do it!

  • At that point, I gave an audible "HA!" from the back.

  • It was terrible. I could do it.

  • Stand in front of a room. Say some old people's names. And if you get it wrong, just go

  • "Oh, it'll make sense one day." and carry on!

  • Is this a religion?

  • Yeah! They sang hymns and everything at the end.

  • Then had a glass of orange squash. wobbled out and got a samosa butty on the way home.

  • And got what?

  • A samosa butty.

  • How northern is that phrase?

  • It's a deep fried pastry, with spiced meat inside.

  • The Empire...

  • In a bap!

  • Yeah!

  • -Bread roll, for those... -In a bread roll, with a bit of mint sauce.

  • The Empire made it to the north.

  • That sounds nice. I want to try that now.

  • It's beautiful!

  • Don't! No... that's... no, that's double carbs, which I...

  • Chip butty!

  • Burrito.

  • Yeah, never mind.

  • Yeah!

  • -It's three! -I withdraw my objection.

  • The number of times I've come back, with a big splodge of yogurt sauce down my front after one.

  • I'm sorry, what?

  • -At least that's what I told the rest of you. -After he'd been serviced by the Spiritualist.

  • Seriously, Flammarion was simultaneously quite a believer and quite a skeptic.

  • He was sure there was something.

  • But, as he looked at it, he kept finding it can't be that, it can't be that.

  • Martians!

  • Or... or Martians!

  • Martian canal boat dwellers.

  • Beaming their thoughts down.

  • Buy me a new pot plant or one of those nicely painted watering cans...

  • Gonna say that.

  • With a... with a plant in it.

  • That's obviously from the north of Mars.

  • Every planet has a north! What can I tell you?

  • It's kinda sad really, because he seems to have had the scientific method and really...

  • both wants to prove it properly. Scientifically.

  • And also really wants to believe, and is going,

  • "I'm just... there must be something there!"

  • And I'm going really high pitched. But you know?

  • Yep, that's absolutely the case.

  • Had a massive influence on a number of people.

  • And has quite a few things named after him.

  • Any ideas?

  • Stars?

  • - No... - Comets?

  • -Er... Asteroids? -Yes! [DING]

  • A ghost?!

  • Ah...

  • Well...

  • His own ghost?!

  • Yeah!

  • It was incredibly convenient.

  • Asteroids also named after his sister, his niece, perhaps his first wife.

  • Did he name them?

  • Er... No!

  • Oh!

  • No he's just very well respected for what he did for astronomy and for science.

  • And also, not canals on Mars, what else is named on Mars?

  • Mountains?

  • Volcanoes?

  • -The opposite... -Valleys?

  • -There's a word... -Craters?

  • -Point [DING] Craters. Absolutely right. -Holes!

  • Upside down hills.

  • -Holes! -Oh yes.

  • Oh yes.

  • As we Martians... I've said too much already!

  • With that, congratulations Matt. You win this week's show.

  • Yeah!

  • You win a highly expensive summary of the life of an American horror actor.

  • It's Vincent Price's very pricey précis.

  • With that, we say thank you to Chris Joel.

  • Gary Brannan.

  • Matt Gray.

  • I've been Tom Scott and we'll see you next time.

  • Just hit myself in the face.

  • Worth it.

  • Whole day, worth it for that!

  • [Translating these subtitles? Add your name here!]

This is the Technical Difficulties, we're playing Citation Needed.

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