(Cheers)

(歡聲雷動)

Not good enough.

氣氛不夠熱喔

Hello, TEDWomen, what is up?

各位女士，妳們好嗎?

(Cheers)

(更熱烈的回應)

My name is Maysoon Zayid,

我叫梅意森·薩依德

and I am not drunk,

別以為我喝醉酒了

but the doctor who delivered me was.

幫我媽接生的醫生才喝得爛醉

He cut my mom six different times

他在我媽的肚皮上共劃了6刀

in six different directions,

每一刀還不同方向

suffocating poor little me in the process.

弱小的我在產程中硬生生窒息

As a result, I have cerebral palsy,

結果呢，我就成了腦麻

which means I shake all the time.

這就是我一直抖個不停的原因

Look.

就像這樣

It's exhausting. I'm like Shakira, Shakira

抖個沒完很累的

meets Muhammad Ali.

更像是夏奇拉和拳王阿里上身

(Laughter)

(大笑)

C.P. is not genetic.

腦麻既不會遺傳

It's not a birth defect. You can't catch it.

也不是先天缺損

No one put a curse on my mother's uterus,

沒人對我媽的子宮下咒

and I didn't get it because my parents are first cousins,

近親結婚也不是腦麻的元兇

which they are.

雖然我爸媽還真的是表親

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

It only happens from accidents,

意外跟腦麻絕對脫不了關係

like what happened to me on my birth day.

就像我出生那天發生的一切

Now, I must warn you, I'm not inspirational,

不過我一點也不想變得"啟發人心"

and I don't want anyone in this room

我也不想要在座任何人

to feel bad for me,

為我感到難過

because at some point in your life,

因為生活中總有些時候

you have dreamt of being disabled.

你們夢想變成身障者

Come on a journey with me.

讓我們想像一下

It's Christmas Eve, you're at the mall,

現在是平安夜

you're driving around in circles looking for parking,

卻怎麼都找不到停車位

and what do you see?

這時你看到甚麼?

Sixteen empty handicapped spaces.

16個空的身障車位

And you're like, "God, can't I just be

然後你心想：“天啊，我能否變成

a little disabled?"

一點點行動不便呢?”

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Also, I gotta tell you,

我還要告訴大家的是

I got 99 problems, and palsy is just one.

我有一拖拉庫的問題

If there was an Oppression Olympics,

要是有個"壓"林匹克運動會

I would win the gold medal.

我鐵定拿金牌

I'm Palestinian, Muslim, I'm female, I'm disabled,

我巴勒斯坦人、穆斯林、女性、身障

and I live in New Jersey.

而且我住在紐澤西

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲掌聲此起彼落)

If you don't feel better about yourself, maybe you should.

若你之前自我感覺不良好，也許你應該更喜歡自己一些

Cliffside Park, New Jersey is my hometown.

我來自紐澤西州的克里夫賽德帕克

I have always loved the fact

我很喜歡住在那裏

that my hood and my affliction

因為地名和腦麻很相似

share the same initials.

都有個C和P

I also love the fact that if I wanted to walk

我也很慶幸

from my house to New York City, I could.

我從我家就能走到紐約市

A lot of people with C.P. don't walk,

畢竟大多腦麻患者無法行走

but my parents didn't believe in "can't."

但我爸媽相信天下無難事

My father's mantra was,

我爸還有個座右銘

"You can do it, yes you can can."

“你做得到，你能化不可能為可能”

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

So, if my three older sisters were mopping,

所以我三個姊姊要幫忙拖地的話

I was mopping.

我就要一起幫忙拖地

If my three older sisters went to public school,

我三個姊姊可以上公立學校

my parents would sue the school system

我爸媽就會向校方申訴

and guarantee that I went too,

以確保我也可以上公立學校

and if we didn't all get A's,

而若我們沒有每科都得A等

we all got my mother's slipper.

就等著媽媽的拖鞋伺候

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

My father taught me how to walk

我5歲時爸爸教我走路

by placing my heels on his feet

他把我的腳跟放在他的腳掌上

and just walking.

然後一步一步走

Another tactic that he used is he would dangle

他還有讓我進步的高招

a dollar bill in front of me and have me chase it.

他會拿1元美鈔在我面前晃

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

My inner stripper was very strong, and by --

見錢眼開的我甚麼都願意做

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Yeah. No, by the first day of kindergarten,

日子一天天過去

I was walking like a champ

我已走得像神氣活現的衛冕者

who had been punched one too many times.

只不過是挨了好幾拳的衛冕者

Growing up, there were only six Arabs in my town,

成長過程中我家附近只有6個阿拉伯人

and they were all my family.

他們都是我家人

Now there are 20 Arabs in town,

現在增加到20個阿拉伯人

and they are still all my family. (Laughter)

但他們還都來自我家(笑聲)

I don't think anyone even noticed we weren't Italian.

街坊鄰居大概以為我們來自義大利

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲掌聲不斷)

This was before 9/11 and before politicians

當然這都是在“九一一”恐怖攻擊前的往事

thought it was appropriate to use "I hate Moslems"

從前執政者絕不會濫用

as a campaign slogan.

來作為政令宣傳的標語

The people that I grew up with

和我一起長大的同伴

They did, however, seem very concerned

倒是非常擔憂我的健康

that I would starve to death during Ramadan.

他們覺得齋戒月會把我餓死

I would explain to them that I have enough fat

我會請他們放心

to live off of for three whole months,

畢竟身上的脂肪

so fasting from sunrise to sunset is a piece of cake.

所以整天禁食沒什麼大不了

I have tap-danced on Broadway.

我曾上百老匯的舞台跳踢踏舞

Yeah, on Broadway. It's crazy. (Applause)

聽來很不可思議

My parents couldn't afford physical therapy,

我爸媽當年沒錢給我復健

so they sent me to dancing school.

他們便送我去舞蹈學校

I learned how to dance in heels,

在那裏我學會踩著高跟鞋跳舞

which means I can walk in heels.

自然也能穿高跟鞋走來走去

And I'm from Jersey,

又因為我來自紐澤西

and we are really concerned with being chic,

我和朋友都很注重女人味

so if my friends wore heels, so did I.

所以我跟大家一起穿高跟鞋

And when my friends went and

暑假時朋友紛紛到紐澤西海邊度假

on the Jersey Shore, I did not.

但我沒有這樣的機會

I spent my summers in a war zone,

我的暑徦大半是在戰地過的

because my parents were afraid

這安排跟我爸媽的理念有關

that if we didn't go back to Palestine

他們擔心若沒有養成返鄉傳統

every single summer,

在每年暑假回到巴勒斯坦

we'd grow up to be Madonna.

孩子長大后會像瑪丹娜

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Summer vacations often consisted of

每年暑假

my father trying to heal me,

我爸都千方百計想治療我

so I drank deer's milk,

為此我喝過鹿奶

I had hot cups on my back,

我做過背部拔罐

I was dunked in the Dead Sea,

還整個人泡在死海裡

and I remember the water burning my eyes

鹽水弄疼了我的雙眼

and thinking, "It's working! It's working!"

我心想：“這有效！這終於有效了！”

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

But one miracle cure we did find was yoga.

但真正有效的是瑜珈

I have to tell you, it's very boring,

說實在的瑜珈超無聊

but before I did yoga,

不過在我做瑜珈前

I was a stand-up comedian who can't stand up.

我是個站不起來的即興喜劇演員

And now I can stand on my head.

做瑜珈後我可以用頭倒立

My parents reinforced this notion

我爸媽更堅強他們的信念

that I could do anything,

深信我能辦到任何事

that no dream was impossible,

而且沒有不可能完成的夢

and my dream was to be

當時我有個夢想

on the daytime soap opera "General Hospital."

想要在影集“中央醫院”軋上一角

I went to college during affirmative action

我在平權法案時期上了大學

and got a sweet scholarship to ASU,

並獲得ASU的優渥獎學金

Arizona State University,

ASU是亞利桑那州立大學

because I fit every single quota.

那簡直是為我量身打造的缺

I was like the pet lemur of the theater department.

我就像戲劇系上楚楚可憐的小猴

Everybody loved me.

人見人愛

I did all the less-than-intelligent kids' homework,

我幫非天才型的同學寫作業

I got A's in all of my classes,

我每門課都拿A

A's in all of their classes.

幫忙罩同學的課也不例外

Every time I did a scene

每次試鏡“玻璃動物園”劇中一角

from "The Glass Menagerie,"

我詮釋苦苦單戀的身障女子

my professors would weep.

教授們都感動得直掉淚

But I never got cast.

但我還是沒能正式登台演出

Finally, my senior year,

終於在我大四那年有個大好機會

ASU decided to do a show called

亞大計畫演出一檔劇目

"They Dance Real Slow in Jackson."

叫做“慢舞的傑森小鎮”

It's a play about a girl with C.P.

主角是一位腦麻女孩

I was a girl with C.P.

而我就是一位腦麻女孩

So I start shouting from the rooftops,

所以我欣喜若狂又叫又跳

"I'm finally going to get a part!

“我終於可以粉墨登場囉!”

I have cerebral palsy!

“我有腦性麻痺，耶比”

Free at last! Free at last!

我高呼：“自由了!自由了!

Thank God almighty, I'm free at last!"

萬能的上帝，我終於自由了！”

I didn't get the part. (Laughter)

但我還是落選了（笑聲）

Sherry Brown got the part.

我同學雪莉·布朗得到角色

I went racing to the head of the theater department

我拔腿衝到戲劇系主任室

crying hysterically, like someone shot my cat,

我歇斯底里嚎啕大哭

to ask her why,

我問她落選的原因

and she said it was because

她說：

they didn't think I could do the stunts.

系上認為我不能應付劇中需要的特技

I said, "Excuse me, if I can't do the stunts,

我嗆聲：“如果我都不能做特技”

neither can the character."

"那麼同樣腦麻的主角也一樣不能啊"

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲加掌聲)

This was a part that I was literally born to play

這角色是注定要給我的

and they gave it, they gave it to a non-palsy actress.

他們卻硬生生給了非腦麻的演員

College was imitating life.

有人說大學是社會的縮影

Hollywood has a sordid history

而好萊塢一向有個不名譽的行規

of casting able-bodied actors

他們讓身體健全的演員

to play disabled onscreen.

登台演出身障的角色

Upon graduating, I moved back home,

畢業後我搬回家住

and my first acting gig was

我的首演

as an extra on a daytime soap opera.

在晨間播映電視劇中跑龍套

My dream was coming true.

我總算圓夢了

And I knew that I would be promoted

我確信不久後我就會星運亨通

from "diner diner" to "wacky best friend" in no time.

從龍套一躍成為當家紅牌演員

But instead, I remained a glorified piece of furniture

不過我仍是名不見經傳的小卒

that you could only recognize

戲分之少讓我只能短暫露臉

and it became clear to me

我這才漸漸領悟

that casting directors

導演選角的考量

didn't hire fluffy, ethnic, disabled actors.

傻氣的身障演員很不受青睞

They only hired perfect people.

他們只錄用"完美無缺"的人

But there were exceptions to the rule.

不過凡有原則必有例外

I grew up watching Whoopi Goldberg,

我從小就很迷琥碧·戈柏

Roseanne Barr, Ellen,

和羅珊·巴爾、艾倫等人

and all of these women had one thing in common:

這些迷人的女士有個共通點

they were comedians.

她們都是喜劇演員

So I became a comic.

耳濡目染下我也開始當喜劇演員

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲加掌聲)

My first gig was driving famous comics

我第一份差事是開車載知名喜劇演員

from New York City to shows in New Jersey,

從紐約到紐澤西的攝影棚

and I'll never forget the face of the first comic

那位喜劇演員的表情令我難忘

I ever drove when he realized

他大驚失色

that he was speeding down the New Jersey Turnpike

想到飛馳在紐澤西的高速公路上

with a chick with C.P. driving him.

還是腦麻女孩開車不慌也難

I've performed in clubs all over America,

我曾巡演於全美各俱樂部

and I've also performed in Arabic in the Middle East,

也曾用阿拉伯語在中東表演

uncensored and uncovered.

內容原汁原味一刀未剪

Some people say I'm the first

有人給我一個封號

stand-up comic in the Arab world.

阿拉伯世界首位即興喜劇演員

I never like to claim first,

我很低調不喜歡自誇

but I do know that they never heard

不過我敢掛保證

that nasty little rumor that women aren't funny,

觀眾一定不會覺得冷場

and they find us hysterical.

他們還會讚許我們表演的幽默

In 2003, my brother from another mother and father

2003年，我和情同手足的

Dean Obeidallah and I started

發起一個活動

the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival,

名為“紐約阿裔美人喜劇藝術節”

now in its 10th year.

現在這個藝術節正要邁入第10年

Our goal was to change the negative image

我們想改變媒體對阿裔美國人

of Arab-Americans in media,

一貫的負面印象

while also reminding casting directors

也提醒選角的導演

that South Asian and Arab are not synonymous.

別把南亞人和阿拉伯人畫上等號

(Laughter)

(笑聲)

Mainstreaming Arabs was much, much easier

讓阿拉伯人融入主流社會易如反掌

than conquering the challenge

相較之下難如登天的是

against the stigma against disability.

消除對身障者的汙名化

My big break came in 2010.

一個大好機會在2010年降臨

I was invited to be a guest

我受邀擔任來賓

on the cable news show

上有線電視新聞節目錄影

"Countdown With Keith Olbermann."

節目是“歐柏曼的關鍵時刻”

I walked in looking like I was going to the prom,

我興奮得像要去參加高中舞會

and they shuffle me into a studio

工作人員把我拖進攝影棚

and seat me on a spinning, rolling chair.

給我一張搖來搖去的旋轉椅

So I looked at the stage manager and I'm like,

我與場控人員面面相覷

"Excuse me, can I have another chair?"

我說：“能給我換張椅子嗎?"

And she looked at me and she went,

她看我一眼然後繼續讀秒

"Five, four, three, two ..."

"5、4、3、2....."

And we were live, right?

我沒忘記是現場錄影

So I had to grip onto the anchor's desk

所以我一直緊抓主播檯

so that I wouldn't roll off the

以免錄到一半就滑出去了

and when the interview was over, I was livid.

訪談結束後我鐵青著臉

I had finally gotten my chance and I blew it,

得來不易的機會被我糟蹋

and I knew I would never get invited back.

我想我再也沒機會受邀

But not only did Mr. Olbermann invite me back,

但意外的是歐柏曼先生再次邀我

he made me a full-time contributor,

還讓我當常駐來賓

and he taped down my chair.

而且他有把我的椅子固定

(Laughter) (Applause)

(笑聲加掌聲)

One fun fact I learned while on the air

上歐柏曼先生的節目教我一件事

with Keith Olbermann

我發現到

was that humans on the Internet are scumbags.

在網路世界的人類都是人渣

People say children are cruel,

許多人說童言童語很傷人

but I was never made fun of as a child or an adult.

但我從小到大都沒被人取笑過

Suddenly, my disability on the

殘缺突然變成網路上的眾矢之的

I would look at clips online

在節目的線上播映官網上

and see comments like,

總會有謾罵

"Yo, why's she tweakin?"

"嘿，為甚麼她一直抽搐？"

"Yo, is she retarded?"

"嘿，她是腦殘嗎?"

And my favorite, "Poor Gumby-mouth terrorist.

更絕的是"癟嘴恐怖分子

What does she suffer from?

她到底為何受苦？

We should really pray for her."

我們真該幫她祈福。”

One commenter even suggested

還有更毒舌的評論

that I add my disability to my credits:

建議我在經歷中加上一筆

screenwriter, comedian, palsy.

劇作家、喜劇演員、腦麻患者

Disability is as visual as race.

殘疾和膚色都顯而易見

If a wheelchair user can't play Beyoncé,

但天生我材必有用

then Beyoncé can't play a wheelchair user.

輪椅族難演好碧昂絲，反之亦然

The disabled are the largest —

身障族群是目前最大的...

Yeah, clap for that, man. C'mon.

對，你們該為這個比喻叫好！

(Applause)

(掌聲)

People with disabilities are the largest minority

身障族群是目前全球最大的弱勢群體

in the world, and we are the most underrepresented

我們是最被漠視的一群

in entertainment.

在娛樂圈中也是如此

The doctors said that I wouldn't walk,

醫生曾預言我一輩子不能走路

but I am here in front of you.

但我現在走在你們眼前

However, if I grew up with social media,

不過要是我生在社群媒體時代

I don't think I would be.

我不覺得我仍可保有自信

I hope that together