I'm Jessica and I'm strangely nervous to make this video.

If you're new here: hello, I make amusing educational videos about chronic illness,

disability and LGBTQ+ things but at the start of the year my first video is always a predictions

or goals video where I look back at last year's video, see what I have achieved and what I

failed at… and then set my goals for the year ahead.

I think 2020 is going to be a big year for me, it's going to be the year that everything

changes… and that's both

WONDERFUL and TERRIFYING.

That should be capitalised in

the closed captions, by the way, so you get the full extent of my FEELINGS.

- also capitalised, because I have a lot of them.

But you'll find out all about that in a few minutes… I feel it's important to

preface this video with my yearly disclaimer:

[2019: Over the last few months I've been struggling quite a lot with my health. It's

felt a lot like one thing after another just piling on top of me.

You know when you get five colds in a row so it all just merges into one big cold?

That's me.]

Aw, that was my old house!

But yes, January has got me. This is the first time this decade I've been able to put clothes

on and do my hair. Go me.

So let's take a look at my goals for 2019 before we start on 2020-

- which has a lot of big goals...

Those of you who have been subscribed during the last year will probably have seen some

of these come true (or not) but if you're just joining the channel or you've been

watching for a few videos but haven't yet subscribed then go ahead and do so to watch

me impressively achieve or catastrophically fail in 2020.

Which is a date I really like saying: 2020, 2020, 2020. It just feels so… complete!

[2017: hi future me, 2018: hi past me, 2019: hi past mes]

hello again!

If you've been playing along with my 'Goals and Wishes' videos then go back to last

year and see if the predictions you left in the comments about your own future came true

[1. MOVE HOUSE

Yep! Kellgren-Fozard Club Members already know this as I mentioned it in our Christmas

livestream (it was so fun) but we're planning to move house this year.

Ah!

Currently we live in a two bedroom house in the city and our only bathroom is upstairs.

We're paying for the benefit of being able to walk into the centre of town but I can't

walk more than three minutes without needing a sit-down so we have to drive anyway.

We would also like a bigger garden for the dogs so when I'm unwell I can just open

the door and they can go play by themselves.]

And it happened! I'll put our house tour video of the old house in the card above so

you can get a feel for it and a better understanding of why we had to move

- mainly the complete lack of accessibility

Our new house has a toilet on every floor! And we're going to be making a fully wheelchair

accessible downstairs! Ha, in your face old house!

[beat]

To be honest, part of my stress about 2020 is that for a large part of it we're going

to be living without a kitchen or washing machine or… fridge… I guess…

- Our fridge currently lives in the garage because the old owners apparently didn't

have a fridge in the kitchen so there isn't the space for one. Which is… odd but fine.

And the garage will be part of the building site but also the fridge is too big to fit

through any of our internal doors and as I say this I realise we need to buy a new mini

fridge because that would make more sense.

Adulting is very stressful

- said every adult ever.

But it's also quite exciting to be able to make the house full ours and do it up just

the way we want. If you're a fan of house renovations and vintage interiors and want

more videos about my house then let me know in the comments. It could definitely be really

fun to film the process and I have so many ideas!

[2. FIX YOUR EYEBROWS JESSICA

Fun fact: I don't have eyebrows.]

Uh oh.

[If you were wondering why my eyebrows look different in this video to the one last year

and the one before that… it's because they are fake. I started loosing hairs on

the outside of my eyebrows a few years and they've been shrinking inwards ever since.

Yeah.

So I draw them on.

Apparently differently every year.

Tune in next year to see what the hell my 2020 eyebrows look like]

Hi.

Today I used two different colours of eyebrow pencil in an attempt to make my eyebrows look

more natural.

- Did it work?

My plan was to get them microbladed (that's a semi-permanent incredibly fine tattoo of

individual hairs on your face) and I contacted a number of people who do microblading but

they all wanted a letter from my doctor before they would dare do anything… and when I

asked my doctor he said:

- “I would never put my name on something cosmetic!”

So no letter from him. And the eyebrow people won't let me do it without a letter from

him.

Soo… I can't get eyebrows because of gatekeeping? Even though there are other people with EDS

who have tattoos...?

I just want eyebrows when I wake up…

If you have a recommendation for someone in London or the surrounding area who understands

that doctors can be stupid sometimes and that not having eyebrows is annoying then please

send me a DM on Instagram @jessicaoutofthecloset. Thank you so much.

I just want eyebrows.

[3. GET A TALENT AGENT

There comes a point in one's career where you realise that waking up daily to 40 demanding

new emails is perhaps a bit much and that potentially being without any legal training

can't actually deal with multinational corporations contacts and not come out on the losing end…]

High five past me! Mission completed!

[Also, I have big plans for the future: I want to publish books about queer disabled

people having adventure, I want to design a clothing line of huge skirt dresses, I want

to present historical documentaries in period costume, I want to rule the world!]

[beat]

That bit is still a work in progress.

[4. RELEASE MERCH THAT PEOPLE LIKE

Well, this one is for you to answer rather than me!

So this year I released my first professional

merch line- ie, not done at my kitchen table. And I really hope that you've liked it.

The line includes include t-shirts, hoodies, phone cases, a mug, a pillow, even stickers!

It ships worldwide and there are different price points so hopefully something for everyone.

- Unfortunately, working with the TeeSpring platform means that I have been limited when

it comes to sizes and I'm working to find a way of doing things that is more inclusive

in that regard.

You can find a whole range of things in the merch shelf under this video or in the top

link in the description and I even made a video using my t-shirts about how to make

modern pieces look vintage. It's not quite where I want it to be...

Buuuut more on that in the 'Goals' section

[wink]

[5. SUBSCRIBER PREDICTION

On to the big one.. What do I hope to gain in subscriber numbers this year? Just how

large can we grow our community?

The first year I hoped for a gain of 17,000 and got 197,000

The second year I aimed for 150 more but instead doubled so this year…

Another 100k?

Will we make it to half a million?

Oooh… here's hoping!]

[Ta-Da sfx]

Oh. My. Gosh.

I'm so happy that our family has grown this year! It really touches me heart whenever

I see a comment that says “i just started watching you and now I feel less alone”

because that is EXACTLY what I started this channel for. Chronic illness isolated me for

a very long time and in many ways it still does. But to know that there are other people

out there like me, who can take something positive from my hard-lived life lessons means

a lot to me. My favourite thing in the world is connections and connecting to other people

so thank you for taking the time to be here with me.

I hope you enjoy the videos I make in 2020 and that we can continue on this fun little

journey together for years to come, wherever that takes us.

And where will that take us in 2020? What will our goals be…?

[2019: I would love to say 'not get sick', 'have more energy' and 'finally wake

up with naturally curly hair' but I'm going to be reasonably realistic…]

And by 'more realistic' I mean:

1. WORK THE WORKING WEEK

I do YouTube full-time and Instagram… part-time? I guess... And as a self-employed person who

technically has no boss other than herself I find it really, really hard to stop working,

to relax and to actually give myself time where I don't feel like I should be writing,

filming, editing, creating, planning, scheduling, learning, arranging, having meetings or…

whatever. I really, really enjoy my job: it's creative, it's in the field I've always

wanted to work in

- video creation and storytelling, not 'the internet'- that wasn't really much of

a thing when I was a child in terms of jobs.

But because it's such a fun and sometimes all encompassing thing to be doing… I tend

to do too much of it. And since I live with a disability and have illnesses that I can't

control I tend to count my sick days as my days off. Which… is silly. Because that's

not looking after myself, which is what I'm always telling all of you to do!

The most organised person in my life is Hannah Witton and I've decided that in 2020 I'm

going to be more Hannah.

Oh. Conveniently the name of her new side channel where she talks about organisation

and life things.

'More Hannah': be it.

So my first goal for 2020 is to only work 6 days a week, not 7, and take 30 days off

in the year. Actual days off. ACTUAL ONES. Not sick days. Not 'ooh we're going on

holiday, let's film every day and make a video about it', do you hear me, future

Jessica?! Did you do it…?

- Hopefully inserting future me saying 'yes' here.

Maybe I just need Hannah Witton to come and sort my life out, I don't know...

2. GET A BOOK DEAL

Because I mentioned that I'll now be working 6 days a week and I want one of those days

to be full on writing!

Cause look… I've been really torn about exactly what kind of book I want to finish

first-

- I say 'finish' because I have six half-written books because I'm that kind of person: the

highly dyslexic writer. She can talk until the cows come home but can she then translate

that into the written word?

Debatable.

I love writing fiction but I also want to make something that is a bit more… me? That

sort of shares a little more of my story with you, I suppose. In ways that mean you can

take something positive from every chapter, even if the story itself isn't necessarily

happy. Because like I said earlier, sometimes the best thing in the world is just to feel

seen and to not be alone. Even now, having been ill for 13 years, I still get over excited

learning about a historical figure or someone who also battled illness- and yes I do too

with fictional characters but perhaps less because they're… not really struggling.

Not really achieving. Or alive.

Sometimes I think it's easier for people to relate to a story that isn't real if

they're not living through those situations than it is to relate to real life. Or is that

just me?

So… which should I focus on more? The fictional worlds I love (which also include themes of

illness and gayness obviously), or the more raw but potentially helpful actual life stuff?

3. GET MY WIFE PREGNANT

Do I have space in my heart for a gorgeous tiny human? Yes.

Do I have time in my life for a squidgy little human?

I'll darn well make some!

Not much to add here. It's a goal. Good luck future me, you're going to be fine.

But current me is terrified.

4. MAKE MERCH THAT IS MORE VINTAGE

Sightly divergence there, sure.

I really like my current merch items but I'd like to create some other pieces that fit

just a little more with my thing. Like stationary or kitchenwear-

OH MY GOD I SHOULD MAKE APRONS!

I didn't mean to yell that but I went to see Little Women and I'm now obsessed with

Amy's painting apron and I want to make that but in different styles and colours and

wow if that isn't the most neiche thing ever but I don't care I love it.

I'd love to design dresses too. And little pins. It'd be so cute.

I have so many ideas!

Calm down, Jessica, one thing at a time, let's try and wrap up this really long video first!

5. SUBSCRIBER PREDICTION

As I film this, I'm on 627,000 subscribers which is… amazing. Leave your own predictions

for this in the comments below and we'll come back next year to see if they're right

but I would like to hit… hmm…

8… 800,000 subscribers for 2021?

800,000 subscribers

for 2021? Is that silly?