STILL THERE.

>> ACT LIKE YOU CARE!

>> Stephen: I CARE.

I'M THROWING IT AWAY.

I'M THROWING IT AWAY, MAN.

I'M JUST THROWING IT AWAY-- HEY, WE'RE BACK HERE WITH CONAN.

SHOW ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO CARE ABOUT A GUEST.

SHOW ME.

>> I'LL SHOW YOU.

( SIGHS ) I DON'T WANT TO-- I DON'T WANT

TO LEAVE, STEPHEN, BUT THE NETWORK HAS BUSINESS TO CONDUCT,

SO I HAVE TO GO.

SO WE'RE GOING TO TAKE A BREAK.

BUT WHEN WE COME BACK-- AND WE WILL COME BACK-- I'M GOING TO

SPEND MORE PRECIOUS TIME WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.

HE MEANS A LOT TO ME.

AND I KNOW HE DOES TO YOU.

NOW, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION, IF WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS WHOLE

"ASKING A QUESTION" THING.

>> Stephen: MY LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK, CONAN.

>> I'M GLAD YOU SAID THAT.

MANY RELATIONSHIPS ARE IN TROUBLE RIGHT NOW-- YOU'RE MAN

I CAN SEE ALL OF YOU.

>> Stephen: NOT ON THIS CAMERA.

ONLY ON YOUR CAMERA.

WHAT PEOPLE AT HOME DON'T KNOW, YOUR CAMERA, YOU'RE GETTING THE

FLOOR SHOW, BUT NOBODY UP THERE CAN SEE IT.

>> I CAN SEE EVERYTHING, AND MY HAT'S OFF TO YOU.

I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

>> A LOT OF RELATIONSHIPS ARE STRAINED RIGHT NOW.

HUSBANDS AND WIVES NOT GETTING ALONG TOGETHER.

>> Stephen: YUP.

>> HOW ABOUT YOU?

HOW ARE YOU GUYS?

>> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

EVERYTHING-- HONEY, WOULD YOU COME IN HERE?

SHE'S TOO HAPPY TO COME IN.

SHE DOESN'T-- SHE DOESN'T WANT TO COME IN.

>> YOU HAVEN'T EYES ON HER IN THREE DAYS, HAVE YOU?

>> Stephen: I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, CONAN.

HOW ABOUT LIZA.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS GETTING ALONG?

>> WELL, LIZA AND I ARE DOING PRETTY WELL.

WE'RE DOING PRETTY WELL.

THERE WAS A PERIOD THERE WHERE IT GOT BAD, WHERE I TOOK

LIPSTICK AND DREW A FACE ON A BROOM, AND I WAS TALKING TO THAT

FOR A WHILE.

AND WE ACTUALLY-- OUR MARRIAGE FLUSHISHED FOR A WHILE UNDER

THOSE CONDITIONS.

THE BROOM AND I, WE'RE GETTING ALONG SO WELL.

>> Stephen: SHE SWEPT YOU OFF YOUR FEET.

>> OKAY!

OKAY, REALLY, OKAY.

>> Stephen: ANYTHING, ANYTHING TO FILL TIME.

>> HUGE.

>> Stephen: BUT IT REALLY IS LOVELY.

MY CHILDREN ARE ADULTS.

THEY'RE BEING VERY PATIENT WITH ME.

MY YOUNGEST IS 18.

AND MY OLDEST ONE, LIKE, PETER IS-- WHAT ARE YOU, 45?

OLDEST BOY.

HE'S 21.

MY DAUGHTER IS 24?

24, RIGHT?

SHE'S GOING TO BE SO MAD THEY HAD TO GUESS.

SHE'S 24.

AND WE'RE KIND OF HAVING TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY.

THEY DESERVE TO NOT HAVE US ON-- YOU KNOW, HOVERING OVER THEM ALL

THE TIME.

THEY'RE ACTUALLY-- THEY'RE REALLY QUITE SELF-ACTUALIZED,

MUCH MORE THAN I WAS AT THAT AGE.

WE WANT TO GET OUT OF THEIR WAY BUT WE CAN'T.

>> MY SON IS FLOURISHING IN THIS ENVIRONMENT, BECAUSE HE LOVES--

HE'S 14.

HE LOVES TECH.

SO HE'S WORKING ON HIS COMPUTER.

HE'S CODING.

HE'S TALKING TO HIS FRIENDS.

HE'S-- HE'S-- ACTUALLY LOVING IT.

I MEAN, HE HATES THAT THERE'S A PANDEMIC, BUT HE'S DOING REALLY

WELL.

BOTH MY KIDS ARE DOING REALLY WELL.

THEY'RE VERY BUSY.

THEY'RE NOT AS NEEDY AS I AM.

>> Stephen: I'VE GOT A QUESTION BEFORE WE GO HERE,

CONAN AND I KNOW-- LISTEN, I'VE GOT TO GO BECAUSE I'M DOING "THE

DICK CAVETT SHOW" RIGHT AFTER THIS.

>> FANTASTIC.

>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER BEEN MAD AT BOB DYLAN?

>> UH... MAD AT HIM?

>> Stephen: BECAUSE I'M FURIOUS AT BOB DYLAN RIGHT NOW.

>> WHY.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW HE DID THAT 17-MINUTE J.F.K. SONG IN

RESPONSE TO THE CORONAVIRUS.

I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOOD TO DO A PARODY OF "HOME SICK BLUES."

AND DYLAN SAID IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, "YOU MAY NOT DO THAT."

NEUTRON BOMB A LAWSUIT.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S NICE.

HOW OLD IS THAT SONG?

LET THE REST OF US HAVE A CRACK AT IT.

>> I HAVE ONE BOB DYLAN STORY.

A BUNCH OF YEARS AGO I WENT TO A BOB DYLAN CONCERT, AND I WAS SIT

AGO I WAS BACKSTAGE, AND IT WAS BEFORE THE SHOW, AND MY GOOD

FRIEND AND GUITARIST, JIMMY VIVINO SAID, "DO YOU WANT TO

MEET BOB?" AND I SAID, "I'M NOT READY TO

MEET BOB."

AND HE SAID, "LET'S GO."

I GOT DRAGGED INTO THIS ROOM AND SUDDENLY PEOPLE PARTED AND I WAS

FACE TO FACE WITH BOB DYLAN.

AND IT WAS WHEN HE HAD THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE, LIKE A VILLAIN

IN A 1920s MOVIE.

HE HAD THAT LITTLE MUSTACHE, AND HE LOOKED AT ME.

AND I SAID, "OH, HELLO, MR. DYLAN"

AND HE WENT, "I KNOW YOU FROM THE TV!"

AND JUST THEN, I WAS WHISKED OUT OF THE ROOM.

AND THAT WAS MY ONLY CONTACT WITH BOB DYLAN.

"I KNOW YOU FROM THE TV!" HE SAID IT JUST LIKE THAT.

>> Stephen: THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE BEGINNING OF A PRETTY GOOD

SONG, ACTUALLY.

>> IT SHOULD BE ONE OF HIS SONGS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOW?

>> Stephen: SO, THIS IS-- THIS IS-- I JUST WANT TO GIVE YOU A

TASTE OF WHAT AMERICA WILL NEVER HEAR.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: OKAY?

OKAY...

♪ ♪ ♪ COME ON!

I UNDERSTAND THAT SONG PARODY IS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMAN

ENTERTAINMENT, BUT THAT'S DAMN FINE!

>> YEAH... I THINK-- ♪ ♪ ♪

>> Stephen: COME ON, BOB!

>> SO, YOU'RE USING -- >> Stephen: THIS COULD HEAL A

NATION.

>> NO, NO.

YOU'D HAVE A LOT OF YOUNG PEOPLE WHO DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE

TALKING ABOUT.

IT'S GOT TO BE A CARDI B. SONG.

>> Stephen: I'M ON CBS, CONAN.

>> IT'S GOT TO BE DUALEAPA.

YOU HAVE TO BRING IT UP.

YOU CAN'T BE SAYING, "HEY, KIDS.

IT'S TIME I TOOK DOWN BOB DYLAN."

>> >> Stephen: I'M NOT TAKING

HIM DOWN!

I'M CELEBRATING BOB DYLAN.

>> YEAH.

WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

YOU'RE A LONG WAY-- I'M ANGRY AT BOB DYLAN.

I'M SORRY.

YOU'VE GOT A GUITAR OVER YOUR SHOULDER, AND I DON'T KNOW, I'M

NOT BEING FAIR TO YOU, AND I APOLOGIZE TO YOU, CONAN?

CONAN.

>> ARE YOU CRYING NOW?

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE CRYING.

I LOVE IN OUR INTERVIEW WE GOT THE WORD OUT HOW THE GREAT HOLY

CROSS COLLEGE IS.

>> Stephen: IF NOTHING ELSE-- >> HALF MY FAMILY WENT TO HOLY

CROSS AND THEY CALL IT "THE CROSS."

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

>> WHEN I DIDN'T GO TO THE "THE CROSS" I HAD AN UNCLE WHO SAID,

WHAT, ARE YOU DOING?

THE CROSS ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

>> Stephen: YOU WENT TO THE VARD, RIGHT?

>> YES, PEOPLE IN THE KNOW CALL HARVARD "THE VARD."

THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE CALL IT, PEOPLE IN THE KNOW.

>> Stephen: CONAN, AGAIN, I'M A GUEST ON YOUR SHOW RIGHT NOW--

>> AND YOU'RE A GUEST ON MINE.

>> Stephen: HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT PART OF THIS

MAKE IT ON AIR?

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE FUN I GET BOTH SIDES AND YOU GET BOTH

SIDES AND I EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND YOU EDIT IT YOUR WAY AND WE

COMPARE IT LATER.

>> WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT INTERVIEWS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO BE IN MY VERSION.

WE'RE GOING TO REPLACEUE I'M GOING TO REPLACE WITH YOU STOCK

FOOTAGE.

>> Stephen: EXCELLENT.

OF A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE?

>> YEAH A MONKEY WASHING A GOOSE.

AND IT'S GOING TO GO VIRAL THE NEXT DAY.

>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CONAN O'BRIEN.

IS THAT IT?

IS THAT THE IDEA?