Ah, Mother's Day.

Yes, what a wonderful day.

What are you gonna do for your mother on Mother's Day?

Are you gonna give her a fancy card, or some flowers, or some fuking emojis in a text?

I think it's all a bunch of gentle bullshit.

Your fucking mom is hardcore, and here's why.

I'm Michael Madsen, alright?

[Michael Madsen (will fuck you up).]

I've been in Kill Bill and Sin City, Free Willy, which nobody remembers, Reservoir Dogs, I chopped off the cop's ear, right?

And that was like, that was like, hardcore.

But you know something?

There's somebody in this world that's more hardcore than me.

It's your mom.

They're the most hardcore bitches on the earth.

I mean, family and you know, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

Yeah, I had to have an episiotomy. [Real mom.]

An episiotomy is a cut of the perineum.

The perineum is the area between your taint.

Chances are if you don't have an episiotomy, it'll shatter, like glass shatters.

That also happens to skin, so I've had two episiotomies.

That's hardcore.

Here's the deal.

She made you with her organs.

She made your skeleton, your fucking eyeballs, and your fucking nose and your toes and your God damn feet.

Ten days before I gave birth, I got shingles. [Another real mom.]

Shingles is basically the dead chicken pox virus, and you normally get it if you're 80.

And then when I was pushing him out, they said that I overstretched my pelvis, so your pelvis isn't like this anymore, it's basically like that.

That's vicious.

I don't know why they call it having a baby.

I have a pizza, have a pizza, want some pizza?

Then having a baby.

Can you imagine a skull coming out of the end of your dick?

Can you imagine like a, like they shit a watermelon.

I mean, my god.

Some respect here.

And then finally I was like, okay. [Also another real mom.]

I feel like I'm really gonna die.

She rolls me over, opens my legs and the baby's head's already out.

Holy fuck.

What are you gonna do?

Give her flowers?

What you should do is give her a beer.

Smash it over your fucking head.

And then just say, thank you Mom.

Call her up on your God damn phone.

Hey Mom?

Michael Madsen just told me to say thank you for having a cesarean.

See?

Makes a lot more sense, right?

Anyway, skull-shitter.

You know, you parasitic animal that you are, if you're gonna take your mom out for some fancy fucking brunch or something somewhere, don't give her that orange juice that's made out of concentrate.

You need to give her back some of that calcium that she gave up while she was making your God damn skeleton and your fucking teeth and your eyeballs and everything else that makes a person a person, alright?

There ain't nobody as hardcore as your mom, alright?

Except maybe a grandmother. [Real Abuela]

I was 15, oh, 16 years old.

Like I died and went to hell.

They gave me ether.

They had to slap me awake 'cause I couldn't wake up.

My ear hurts all the time.

They did break my jaw, yeah, that's true.

That's bonkers.

I mean holy fuck.

So happy fucking Mother's Day.

Love you, Mom.

[Funny or Die.]

Why do they call them babies?

Let's get real, let's give it a right name.

They're skull-shitters.

Little babies are skull-shitters.

They're just a skull taking a shit.

You know, when I was born, I was a skull-shitter.

Alright?

So were you.

You're a skull-shitter, we're both skull-shitters, let's face it.

We suck.

If your mom was my mom, I'd get down on all fours and I'd let her use me as a fucking ottoman, alright?

Yeah.

[Happy Fucking Mother's Day.]