If our bonding is strong and we are securely attached, then we feel safe to explore the world.

We know that there is always that safe base, which we can return to anytime.

If our bond is weak, we feel insecurely attached.

We are afraid to leave or explore a rather scary-looking world because we are not sure if we can return.

People who are securely attached are said to have greater trust, can connect to others, and, as a result, are more successful in life.

Insecurely attached people tend to mistrust others, lack social skills, and have problems forming relationships.

There is one type of secure attachment, and there are three types of insecure attachments:

Anxious/ambivalent, anxious/avoidant, and anxious/disorganized.

In responses to distress, the first three react organized, while the last acts disorganized.

To understand the theory better, let's look at Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who have four children, Luka, Ann, Joe, and Amy.

The Smiths are lovely parents who cuddle, make frequent eye contact, speak warmly, and are always there for their kids.

But one day Mr Smith falls very sick and dies.

For Mrs Smith, life now becomes very difficult.

She spends all day working, while at the same time trying to care for her children—an impossible task.

At six years of age, Luka's brain is, for the most part, developed, his character strong and his worldview shaped.

The new situation does not affect him much.

He knows there is still always mum, his safe haven.

He feels securely attached.

Later, he turns into a trusting and optimistic young man.

His self image is positive.

Ann, who is three, has problems coping with the new lack of attention.

To Ann, her mother now acts unpredictably.

She is anxious about their relationship, and, as a result, becomes clingy.

To get her mum's attention, she has to raise her emotional state and scream.

When her mum finally reacts with a predictable response, she herself acts ambivalent and doesn't show her true feelings.

Later in life, others think Ann is unpredictable or moody.

Her self image is less positive.

Her attachment style is anxious/ambivalent.

Two-year-old Joe, spends his days with his uncle who loves him but thinks that a good education means being strict.

If little Joe shows too much emotion or is too loud, his uncle gets angry and sometimes punitive.

This scares Joe.

He learns that, to avoid fear, he has to avoid showing his feelings—also in other situations.

As an adult, he continues this strategy and has problems entering relationships.

His image of himself is rather negative.

His attachment is anxious/avoidant.

Amy, who is just one year old, gets sent to a nursery.

The staff there is poorly trained, overworked, and often very stressed.

Some are outright abusive.

Amy, therefore, becomes anxious of the very people she seeks security from,

a conflict which totally disorganizes her ideas about love and safety.

As she is experiencing fear without resolution, she tries to avoid all social situations.

As an adult, she thinks of herself as unworthy of love.

Her self image is very negative.

Her attachment is anxious/disorganized.

Our attachment is formed in the very first years of our lives, a time when we are too young to communicate our anxiety, and, as a result, can experience high levels of stress.

Then, our adrenal gland, an organ sitting on top of our kidneys, produces the stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol.

The heart rate increases, the blood pressure goes up, and we become alert.

If that happens frequently, it is called "toxic stress".

Toxic, because it impairs the development of a child's brain and weakens the immune system.

In embryos or at a very young age, toxic stress can even switch the expressions of genes, which can affect our health many decades later.

By simulating a Strange Situation, we can assess an attachment style, already by the age of 1.

To do this, we let the child play with their mothers for a few minutes inside a room.

Then the child is left alone.

The key moment is the child's reaction when her mother returns.

Securely attached children first usually hug their mother...

Then can calm down and eventually get back to playing.

Insecurely attached children can be ambivalent and avoidant.

Some can't stop crying or refuse to continue playing.

The long term effects of our attachment in the early years, are well documented.

Using the theory, researchers at Minnesota University were able to predict already at age 3, if a child would dropout of high school with 77 percent accuracy.

In another study, undergraduates at Harvard were asked to assess how close they felt to their parents.

35 years later, they were ask about their health.

91% of those who said they had a rather broken relationship with their mother, were also diagnosed with health issues, including coronary artery disease, hypertension, and alcoholism.

For those that had reported a warm relationship, the figure of poor health diagnosis was just 45%.

But there is another reason why the early years deserve special attention.

They are the starting place for subsequent behaviors.

A kid that feels securely attached at age 2, can make friends at kindergarten.

Their worldview gets reinforced with every interaction and they develop optimism.

As a result they make good relationships at school, then at college, and later at work.

Highly insecurely attached children can miss out on this opportunity.

Psychologist John Bowlby, a pioneer in attachment theory, allegedly said...

"What cannot be communicated to the mother, cannot be communicated to the self.".

In other words: those who feel insecurely attached, might not quite understand themselves.

To get to know who they are and what they feel, they might have to go way back in time.