That's the key to an Asian household.

Rice.

That shit is always cooking.

There's always a pot of rice cooking.

The rice cooker's always on.

You could get locked in an Asian person's house

and all the lights are off,

you can find the kitchen.

(audience laughing)

Just look for that little square red light.

(audience laughing)

There's the fucking rice right there.

(audience laughing)

I sent my son to go get rice the other day.

I go, Jo, go grab a bag of rice.

He ran down a couple aisles

and then he came back with this little ass bag of rice.

It was in his hand like that.

And even though I knew that was the bag of rice

he was supposed to get,

I started reflecting back to when I was his age.

The bag of rice I had to get

was the size of this fucking stool.

(audience laughing)

That shit was twice my body weight,

I had to drag that shit back to my mom.

(audience laughing)

It's a big nylon bag with Chinese writing on the front.

It said 50 pounds at the bottom of it.

My mom would sit that in the back of the kitchen

next to the trashcan, top just ripped open.

Inside that bag was a coffee mug with a broken handle.

(audience laughing)

She called that a measuring cup.

(audience laughing)

She taught me how to make rice.

I remember that day.

"I'm going to teach you how to make rice

"and this the only time I'm going to teach you."

Okay.

How do I do it?

"You take a couple scoops of rice, Joseph.

"Put it in the pot.

"Put water in the pot, squish it around.

"Clean the rice, like that.

"If the water's cloudy, the rice is dirty,

"pour that water out.

"Put more water in there, squish it around.

"Squish it around.

"If the water is still cloudy,

"the rice is dirty.

"Pour that water out.

"Continue the process, Joseph,

"until the water is clear.

"When the water is clear, add water,

"it's ready to cook."

Well then how much water do I add?

"Just fill it to this line right here, Joseph."

(audience cheering)

This is how you cook perfect rice.

I want the world to know that right now.

This is an ancient fucking secret.

Every Asian knows how to make rice,

and this is how you do it.

You don't need a measuring cup

and you don't need a fucking rice cooker.

All you need is rice, a pot,

and this fucking line right here.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

And I know there's people watching right now,

"Well how do you do that, that doesn't make any sense."

Well let me explain it to you.

Put as much rice as you want in any pot,

then fill it up with water.

How much water, Jo?

Well, you touch the top of the rice

with this finger right here,

and fill it up with water 'til it hits

that fucking line right there.

Perfect rice.