-I was all over the place, but for the last few months,

few months leading up to the holidays, I was in India.

-Yeah, you were in India. -Whoo!

-What were you doing there? Can we say what you were doing?

-I was -- I'm shooting a TV show,

a new TV show for Apple. -Oh.

-An adaptation of the novel "Shantaram."

-Ah. And how -- It didn't really go --

I mean, the shooting went well, and the project is great,

but you didn't have the best time in India.

-No, there were some challenges.

I had a series of pretty significant health issues

that, as they went on, seemed like

a series of assassination attempts.

I got a -- I got a lung infection

which turns into a sinus infection.

And then I got conjunctivitis in both my eyes.

[ Audience groans ] Then I got an ear infection.

Then I got strep throat, then a bacterial gut infection.

And then I got bitten by a mosquito

and contracted dengue fever.

[ Audience exclaims ]

-It is -- [ Laughter ]

-Thank you. [ Applause ]

-They should have put you in a box,

and I had to touch you. I mean, wow.

-It was kind of confounding, 'cause I kind of pride myself

on having impeccable personal hygiene,

but I think some of those things sometimes go against you.

I think my immune system was too delicate

because I'm too clean.

-You're too clean, so you got to get out there and just start --

-You got to roll around in the mud a little bit.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-But you have a weird kind of history of almost dying.

-I do. I do.

This year particularly.

It was a strange year.

-Hopefully it's over with.

-Well, we'll see.

I mean, I had a mosquito in my room last night.

-That doesn't count. That doesn't count.

-But it's New York, and it's January,

and I was on the eighth floor.

-Think he's, like, a super mutant mosquito?

-You know, I was worried, because I don't --

I don't know the ins and outs of dengue fever.

You have it for a period of time,

but then the antibodies stay in your body, obviously,

'cause you have to get tested,

and that's the way antibodies work.

And I wondered, if that mosquito bit me,

does then that mosquito contract dengue fever,

and then the next person who checks into that hotel --

These are the things you got to ask yourself.

These are the things that I stay up late night worrying about.

-You're trying to save lives out here.

-I am. You know, I'm doing what I can for the people.

-[ Laughs ] Wow.

-It was a weird year. It started off getting a --

I went camping, and I got a deer tick that burrowed into my leg,

and I did not contract Lyme disease,

'cause I once had gotten a deer tick

in the highlands of Scotland,

which I didn't even know had Lyme disease,

and I got Lyme disease.

But I didn't get Lyme disease.

But a very strange thing happened to me

when I went camping a few months later.

I went out looking for firewood one day,

and it was end of the season. It was kind of picked dry.

And so I was pretty far from my camp.

And I was just wearing some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

And there were three trees fallen into a triangle,

and in those trees was a mother lode of firewood.

So I said, "Alright, here we go."

And I got up, and I was...

crouched down like this picking up firewood,

and all of a sudden,

wham, like, a snakebite in the perineum.

-Where's -- The perineum, where is that?

-The perineum is that sweet piece of no man's land

between the anus and the scrotum.

-Okay. [ Applause ]

-Alright, so -- -That is a suboptimal place

to get bitten by a snake.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, a snake jumped out and --

-So, I -- That's what it felt like.

And I look down, and there was no snake.

So I was trying to process what could have happened,

and, bam, another shrill pain in my ass cheek.

-Okay.

-Then one in the back of my head,

and then one under my armpit,

and I realized I was under siege from yellow jackets.

I'd kicked over a nest of yellow jackets.

And as I was processing this angry swarm coming at me --

Sorry. I'm very bad at microphone etiquette.

As I was processing this swarm coming at me,

I got stung about another 10 times in about 5 seconds.

So I took off running, as any, you know, heroic figure would.

I took off sprinting through the forest

and ran for about a minute and a half

and stopped to see what was happening

and immediately bam, bam, bam,

got stung about another five times.

Now I'm starting to get really worried, you know?

I don't know much about yellow jackets.

But I assume 20 bites is probably -- or stings

is probably reaching the threshold.

-[ Laughing ] Oh, my God.

-So, I ripped all of my clothes off.

I kicked my shoes off, and I took all my clothes off.

-Yeah. -And then --

And then put my shoes back on and continued sprinting

completely naked.

[ Women cheering ]

And this is all true.

I realized at that moment I was actually inside a nightmare,

a recurring nightmare.

I for many years had had this recurring dream that I was --

a nightmare that I was sprinting for my life naked in a forest.

In that moment,

I was literally inside -- -Living --

-I was living my recurring nightmare.

-Oh, my goodness.

-And I haven't had that dream since.

So it was something of a prophecy or something, right?

So I'm going to start --

I'm going to start taking -- [ Cheers and applause ]

I'm gonna start taking these dreams a little more seriously.

-That is unbelievable. -Yeah.

-So it was not a snake at all.

-No. -But, gosh, that's awful.

Did you have to go to the hospital?

-I did, but I -- Well, you know, it's funny.

I was very sick that day. And my -- I was with my girlfriend,

and she went and got the park ranger.

I mean, we were way out.

And she went and got a ranger, and he came and looked at me.

He said, "You're probably going to be okay."

And I was sort of okay that day,

and then two days later, I got very, very sick.

And I spoke to my doctor, and he said,

"You had probably so much venom in your system

that your body starts to create antibodies to fight the venom."

And then if I got stung again,

because I have those antibodies in my system now,

I could have a bad reaction.

So I'm supposed to carry an EpiPen,

but of course, I'm an idiot, and I don't.

-Maybe you got superpowers for a day.

-Maybe. -Like, maybe you --

-They didn't do me much good in India, let me tell you.

-No, that's true. [ Laughs ]

I forgot about India. Never mind. Yeah.

-So it was a strange year, 20--

But we're in a new decade now.

-Here we are. Yeah. -We'll see.

-Oh, please. It's going to be the best year for you yet.