You're gonna be a first-time dad.

-Oh, my God, yeah. -This is a big deal.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-It's great. -Well, where are you?

Where's your head right now? Where's your headspace?

-I don't have -- I'm not having any of the freak-outs

or the nervousness that everyone tells me I should be having.

-Yeah. -All I am is excited.

-Yeah. -And we're about

5, 6 weeks away. Something like that.

-Wow. Are you -- -But now that I'm, like,

on national television, maybe I am freaking out a little bit.

[ Laughter ] -That's right.

Sorry about that. -Sort of in real time,

I'm like, "Actually, wait. I should be nervous."

We are not ready at all.

We have a friend of a friend that loaned us a crib,

and that's all we have.

We have not planned a baby shower.

We don't know what we're doing. We are wildly unprepared.

I think I am freaking out. -I'm sorry about that.

I don't want -- Here's some water right here.

I don't want you to freak out. But it is a --

It's kind of fun when you have your first child,

if you're lucky enough to have a baby.

But it's fun that everyone gives you advice.

-Yeah. -And everyone gives you books.

They give you things.

They go, "Don't have them sleep on this type of mattress."

-Yeah. -"Don't use these nipples.

Use this thing." -I know.

-"They're environmentally safe. Use glass --"

I go, "Please, just leave me alone.

It's my baby." -There's so much.

And we're taking these classes. There's --

Tonight, after this, I'm doing the third class

in the last four days where you just get about

a hundred pieces of information in an hour,

and I don't know what to do with it.

-You have to get your license to have a baby.

Yeah. [ Laughter ]

-Yesterday, we did what was like the baby prep class.

And the way we started is, we went around the room,

and all you had to do was say your name

and how much experience you have with a newborn,

like changing diapers or holding babies.

Like, just that.

So it goes around, it comes to me,

and I'm like, "Hi. I'm Kieran.

I've held some newborns, friends of mine,

and when I was a little kid, I probably helped my mom

with diapers and stuff.

And I remember holding my little brother Rory."

And then, I turn to my wife,

and she goes "Hi. I'm Jazz. I hate babies,

and I'm terrified of them so I never hold them."

[ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!

Enh! Wrong answer.

"Okay. Let's try it again, Jazz."

-What I love about that is that

I know she's so happy being pregnant,

and she loves this baby.

But what she basically said to the room is,

"I love my child, but I'm going to hate all of yours."

[ Laughter ]

"Anyway, next?" -She's gonna see --

You start loving every baby. -I -- Well, maybe.

-You do.

-I took one look at her when she said that, too,

and I was like, "I've never been more in love

with anybody in my life." -Yeah, that's true.

Yeah. Very good.

My advice to you is, don't take anyone's advice.

Just go -- -That's the best advice.

-Just go and -- It'll all work out.

It's great. And no spoilers.

No spoilers for you. -Thank you.

-Let's talk about "Succession." -Okay.

-This is a giant -- Yeah, we got one "whoo."

Yeah. -One person saw the show.

It's great. -That's good.

-And a bunch of liars.

-People are obsessed with the show.

Did you know it was gonna be a hit when you first did it?

-Absolutely not, no. But I never know that.

It's weird for me doing a TV show.

This the first time I've ever done that,

and I've been doing this for 29, 30 years,

which is sort of weird to say.

I hope that didn't come off as obnoxious, but who cares?

[ Laughter ]

Usually, whenever I do a job, I don't usually care

what the perception of it is gonna be,

because I'm just like, "I did my part.

However people like it is none of my business."

Now I'm a little bit like, "I hope people like it,

'cause I want to keep doing it." -Yeah.

-So, the fact that people have been liking the show

actually feels really nice. It's good.

-But, I mean, it's bizarre that people like these characters,

'cause they're awful people.

-I'm not sure that they like the characters.

They kind of -- There's something about them.

They just want to watch them

and maybe watch them fail or something.

-It's like watching "Dancing With the Stars."

You're like... [ Laughter ]

...kind of rooting for them but kind of hoping they're bad.

You know? Yeah. -I get multiple times --

And I think that they all think they're very original.

But people on the street come up to me, like,

"Hey, you're on that show." I'm like, "Thanks."

Like, "You're an ass [bleep]" Like, "Oh, thank you."

[ Laughter ] -There you go.

-Yeah. -"My wife's pregnant.

Thank you very much." -Walking with her.

-"I'm doing my job." -Yeah, it's a character.

-You insult some people. I mean --

-Oh, yeah. -You go for it.

-Oh, there are times when they're just like,

"You know what? If you want to,

there's a bunch of background actors there.

Just, like, rip into them."

So, at the end of a take, I'll just start making fun

of some guy's beard and yelling at him,

and they go, "Cut," and I run over,

I'm like, "I'm Kieran, by the way.

Like, they asked me to --" -"I am so sorry.

That's my character." -"That's Roman.

That's not -- yeah." -"That is not me at all."

Well, congrats on everything. -Thank you.

-I know you're getting a lot of Emmy love,

and the show's a hit, and so that's awesome for you, buddy.

And congrats more on being a dad.

It's gonna be great. Got to come back.

-Thank you so much.

-We have a clip from "Succession."

And we had to bleep out a lot of it.

Take a look.

-Where's this coming from?

-It's coming from dad. -It's coming from us.

-No. What? Why are we dancing around?

It's coming from dad. Dad's worried about you.

-Okay. -I mean, come on.

You know how he is. He doesn't get it.

He still has a plant out in the Philippines

manufacturing Xerox machines but he's [bleep] shrewd.

And right now -- Right now, his giant cyclops eye

is looking in this direction, and he's feeling like

maybe he bought a giant pile of bull [bleep]

So now here I am to inquire, in the politest terms possible,

what the [bleep] is going on.

-There you go. [ Cheers and applause ]

You're good. It's not bad.

Kieran Culkin, everybody!