And I had to take a piss.

So I saunter off to the men's room.

And at this particular bar the bathroom's made up of one stall and two urinals.

Now, it's worth noting, that these two urinals, well, they're about...four centimeters apart.

Needless to say, you gotta get a little comfortable with whoever you're pissing next to.

You're so close to the other guy, that you kinda just wanna be like: "You know, fuck it! You wanna share a urinal? Let's share a urinal, we might as well!"

So I walk in, and of course, there's already somebody at the urinal.

And of course, there's already somebody duking it up in the stall.

Alright, whatever, f**k it, time to get cozy and be pee pals with whoever this strange man is over here.

So I squeeze in next to this guy, he's all pissed-off and does this little sigh, like: "Come on, dude, can't you go piss in the sink or something?"

Like listen buddy, I don't like this anymore than you do, alright?

Our shoulders are rubbing against each other and shit.

Let's just tough it out, we don't got to make out after this or anything.

So there we are, dicks in hand.

It was right about this time, that I realized, that this guy isn't even pissing!

I'm not saying that I was ogling this guy's wiener.

But there was definitely no tinkle sounds coming from the tinkling area.

I kinda, like, glance over this dude's face and kinda give him the nod, like, "Hey, what's up, buddy?"

And he's got this paranoid look on his face.

A face that I've never seen on a human being's head before.

Looks like he just swallowed a bunch of pennies or something like that.

Now, it's worth noting that I don't have a shy bladder.

At least not when I'm halfway drunk, which is what I was.

When I'm halfway drunk, I can piss in public.

I can piss in front of my grandparents.

In front of a...school field trip, you name it, I can piss it!

I could piss standing on this dude's shoulders, if I wanted to.

But as soon as I notice that this guy is not peeing, my brain kicks in and it's like: "Hey, you know what would be weird? If you couldn't piss either!"

"And you guys just stood there with your dicks out."

And soon as I thought it, well, it sure the f**k happened!

I'm pushing, god damn am I pushing!

My eyes are bulging out of my head, my face is turning all red and shit.

Nothing's coming out, though a fucking puff of dust hits the back of the urinal.

Now we're just two grown men holding our dicks.

"Yeah, I'm here at the Great Pissing Stalemate of 2016."

"Where two grown men, dick in hand, can't piss in front of each other."

"That sounds awful, Tom! Is there any end in sight?"

"No way, Bill! Both are completely insecure and neither one of them wanna be the weirdo..."

"That just hovers their dick in front of the urinal for three minutes for no goddamn reason!"

I'm standing there, thinking like: "God, if my dad could see me now..."

"You know what, fuck this! I'm gonna stand here until I explode, I don't give a shit, I'm standing my ground!"

"I'm not peeing, you're not peeing, what the hell are we doing here, holding our ding-dongs for?"

"What are we, practicing?" Like 30 seconds go by, and we're both standing here, pretending like this isn't the most awkward moment of our lives.

It's very tense moment, like...Clarice-talking-to-Hannibal-Lecter tense!

"Hello, Clarice."

"Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster."

"Quid pro quo, Clarice! Quid pro quo."

"Jodie Foster, look how handsome I am!"

Some guy walks in the middle of all this shit.

Sees what's going on and is like: "Nope! I want nothing to do with this weirdness!"

"I'll go piss in the street!"

The dude pooping in the stall's wondering, what the hell is going on out there?

"Uhhh... Are you guys still in here?"

Finally, after what seems like a goddamn eternity, miss piss partner sees an opening.

He finally gets the courage to piss.

I don't know what's going on, the eye of the tiger, this is it, the big moment.

He finally let's loose...

For a whole half a goddamn second.

He pissed just enough to fill up a thimble.

And then he zips up and runs out of there, like the building's on fire.

Holy shit, I won, I did it, I won Pissing Stalemate 2016!

And I'm so relieved.

I swear to God, I could've just dropped my pants around my ankles, and pissed like the weird kid did in first grade.

All bare-assed and all the pooping dude's clapping for me.

I left that bathroom, feeling relieved, hoping somebody was gonna give me like a sash or something.

Pissing Champion 2016.

But no, there's no confetti, no celebratory, applause.

But I did get to avoid eye contact with that other guy for the entire rest of the night.

So that was rewarding.

I kinda felt bad for him, I was thinking about going up to him, maybe buying him a beer.

Be like: "Look, dude, sorry...Sorry you got all emotional in there."

"I'd shake your hand, but...your dick was in it, so...here'a Michelob Ultra."

I don't know what else to say...

Jodie Foster!

It's my Jodie Foster impression.

I don't have a good...

I feel like my Hannibal Lector impression sucks dick.

But my Jodie Foster impression...that shit is perfect!

"Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster!"

It's pretty similar to Rough McGruff.

Jodie Foster and Rough McGruff they're the same person to me.

"Rough McGruff, Chicago, Illinois."

"Jodie Foster, take a bite out of crime!"