Didn't matter where I was at the time, in the middle of class...

On an airplane...

Taking a shit in my grandpa's house...

You name it.

It would just happen randomly, I'd have no control over it.

And if I was at home, it was no big deal.

You just fashion yourself a little nose tampon out of toilet paper and you go about your day.

But what the fuck do you do, when you get a nosebleed at a public pool?

Panic, that's what you do!

Probably the worst possible place you can get a nosebleed!

Except, maybe, like a...church like at a baptism or something.

"He's the Devil!"

So I'm at the pool with my cousin, and we're all amped up.

And we're about to jump in.

So I do this sweet Axel from the Street of Rage jump kick into the pool.

And when I rise to the top, blood just start gushing out of my nose!

Just a spontaneous nosebleed in the middle of a fucking public pool!

Jesus Christ, I'd rather shit in the pool than bleed in it.

I'd rather spell my name out...in turds...in the pool than get a nosebleed!

Everybody's rushing out of the pool, like the water's on fire.

I climb out to the side, all lightheaded and shit.

"Somebody kill me! I need a...fucking...blood transfusion! I'm O-positive!"

"Ah, God! If I die at this pool...Somebody's gotta take care of my Tamagotchi I got at home."

Then this dude comes out of the middle of nowhere.

And smashes, like, fifty napkins on my face.

"What happened? Did you get shot in the face? I think somebody shot him in the face!"

"Do you have AIDS? On a scale of one to ten how much AIDS do you have?"

The whole pool is totally evacuated at this point.

We got those hazmat people from ET coming in.

I'm half-conscious from blood loss.

The pool looks like the beaches of Normandy, everybody's weekend's ruined.

And I'm like, "Oh, come on! There's chlorine in the pool for a reason!"

"Jesus Christ, I pissed in the pool a couple weeks ago, nobody even cared."

"Now there's a couple of quarts of human blood in there and everybody wants to freak out!"

Never went back to that pool after that.

I don't think I was welcome.

They're like: "Woah, buddy! I know we're a public pool and all."

"But we have to have some kind of fucking standards!"

"You can piss in there, maybe even a half a shit."

"But we're not doing any nasty nose blood."

"We don't want hepatitis, alright."