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[Drunk single people review - Valentine's day gifts]

Today, we're reviewing Valentine's Day gifts, and we are not qualified to do so.

I am, as the people say, alone but not lonely.

I am alone and a little bit lonely sometimes.

I'm just ready to cry.

This got so sad.

We are an objective party, here to tell you how dumb your gifts are to each other.

Oh, a dozen long-stem roses.

- Flowers always smell nice. - They do smell good.

But also kind of smell like a funeral home.

Don't⏤what are you doing, Kelsey?

I was gonna do "she loves me, she loves me not".

If you just give me some flowers, that's enough.

She loves me, she loves me not...

You went, you got the flowers.

You thought of me.

- That's really sweet. - You bought them.

She lo⏤uh... oh.

It went in my wine.

Just in general, send your friend flowers, why not?

I'm gonna drunk send all of my friends flowers.

- She loves me not... - I'm on the edge of my seat.

She loves me.

[beep] Surprise!

Wow, Wow.

- Surprise, surprise. - Wow, Wow.

If she brought me wine and flowers, I'm probably gonna give it up.

Oh, I see chocolate.

It has a fucking cat on it.

Thanks, but you don't love me.

Yes, it's going straight to my hips.

The one thing I don't like about these chocolates is that you don't know what you're getting.

And then, I try it and I'm like...

This gift tells me, ohhh kind of forgot that I had to do something for Valentine's Day so I'm going to get this.

This is more acceptable for me in milkshake form or milk form.

If you got me chocolate milk for Valentine's Day, that would be awesome.

This would be a no for me dawg.

That being said, I'm gonna have another.

Yeah I'm hungry.

Actually, this is all delicious, you know what, I take it back.

This is a f**king dope gift.

If you gave me this, I would laugh a lot.

And I would wear these with you as a joke one time and then we would never use them again.

With four leg holes?

This is hilarious.

We're going to try it on?

This is happening.

This is incredible.

No!

This is not sexy.

Two people can't comfortably fit in this.

A boner, a nice ass and two human bodies can not comfortably fit in here.

- Where do you put your hands? - I can't, I can not put my hands.

- How does it look? Let's give it a twirl. - There's no way to not be sexy with this.

Ohh, yeah.

Zach, no wonder we're single.

I know.

- Look at the dumb shit that we do. - I know.

Joke gifts would be awesome.

If my girlfriend got me a joke gift, I'd love it.

Now I'm like a baby joey.

I'm like a baby kangaroo.

It starts off silly.

But if I was going to have sex with Zach right now, I'd be having the most fun sex I could have.

That's the most action I've gotten all year.

Same.

[Nicholas Sparks 4-Pack]

Love this movie.

The Notebook?

Yes.

The Notebook is great, but you don't do a four pack.

I'm sorry but who has a DVD player any more?

This isn't for Valentine's Day.

This is for single people.

This is for us.

This is what we should watch.

He built her a house.

And yet some people still don't watch my Instagram stories.

Maybe we just don't like movies that much.

No, I like movies, but you gonna take me to a movie and not get me a movie.

This is a threat.

This is like if you break up with me, you'll never have this.

These are all sad stories.

You know what I would love, Space Jam.

Would you just stay with me?

Stay with you?

What for?

Look at us, we're already fighting.

Well, that's what we do.

We fight!

You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass.

- Because I want you. - All of you.

Forever you and me, all the days.

- Go, I lost you once. - No, don't go

- I think I can do it again. - No, you can't, you know you can't.

- If that's what you really wanted. - You know you can't, you won't do it.

F**k you Ryan Gosling.

I'm gonna cry.

Nicholas Sparks might be the reason I'm alone.

[Wedding ring]

The cynic in me says "ah, cheesy", but then the romantic in me is like "f**k yeah, Valentine's Day proposal."

I would just be like, bitch ...

You don't propose on Valentine's Day.

You don't propose on Christmas.

And you don't propose on my or yours birthday.

- Why not? - Those are staple holidays that belong to Jesus Christ, Cupid, me and you and not in that order.

Will you make me the happiest man in the world?

Yes! Yes! Yes! A million times yes!

Boo, wait, is it the right or the left?

It's this one.

I like diamonds.

Jewelry's good.

I'd say again.

Customize it to the person.

Subscribe something on it, inscribe.

[Final Thoughts]

I still like the idea of Valentine's Day.

I hate that none of these things are gonna be for me.

Just some like love man.

I'm happy for people who are in love.

And I'm happy for myself because I love myself.

Damn straight.

Do whatever you want, I don't know.

Why are you asking us?

We don't know anything, that's why we're here.

Yeah, we're the worst people to ask this.

It's all about what's your intention and showing that you really care.

And wear a condom.

Oh God, you don't want kids yet.

You're not ready.

You're not ready.

Will you be my back-up Valentine?

I'd be an honor.

You're drunk now?