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  • - Oh no!

  • (loud rumbling)

  • (screaming)

  • (synthesizer sitcom music)

  • (burping and laughing)

  • (farting)

  • (lion growling)

  • (burping and laughing)

  • - And we're on in three, two.

  • - One.

  • Did you forget what comes after two?

  • - No one says the one.

  • That's how we do it in showbiz.

  • - Huh.

  • That's dumb.

  • Let's take it again.

  • - We're on the air!

  • (coughing)

  • - Oh!

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • Hey there everyone and welcome

  • to another episode of Tool Bench.

  • The only show that literally takes place atop a tool bench.

  • I'm Tim "The Toolman" Orange, and say hello

  • to my handy assistant Pear Borland!

  • Emphasis on the bore.

  • (laughing)

  • - Thanks for the sweet intro, dude.

  • All right, today on Tool Bench we're gonna

  • show you how to repair an outboard motor.

  • - And you know what an outboard motor

  • goes on, don't you folks?

  • - [Audience] What?

  • - A motorboat!

  • (motorboating)

  • (laughing)

  • I love you so much, audience.

  • - Now first thing we're gonna do is--

  • - Pear, let me stop you right there.

  • Any schmoe can repair an outboard motor,

  • but it takes a real fruit to give it more power!

  • - That does not look safe, dude.

  • - Nonsense. Let me just crank it up and show you

  • how a true professional, wow!

  • (screaming)

  • - Look out!

  • - It's gonna hit the tool wall!

  • Take cover!

  • (screaming)

  • - Ah!

  • This is the worst episode I ever saw!

  • (laughing)

  • Too soon?

  • A little left.

  • No, my left!

  • - Look pal, I don't have hands, all right?

  • So I can't tell left from right.

  • - Tim, what are you doing to our backyard?

  • - Hey, Jill Pickle.

  • I'm digging a pud so we can

  • try out our new outboard motor.

  • (motorboating)

  • (laughing)

  • (motorboating)

  • - Stop doing that!

  • So you figured you'd just dig a massive hole

  • in the counter instead of just using

  • the sink that is right there?

  • (laughing)

  • - Huh.

  • Good point.

  • I could've just used the sink.

  • (laughing)

  • - You mean to tell me you dug up

  • our entire yard for no good reason?

  • Ugh!

  • - Uh-oh.

  • Looks like you screwed up, Toolman.

  • (laughing)

  • I called him a tool.

  • (laughing)

  • - Yeah, no, seriously, I did.

  • (saxophone melody)

  • - Hey there neighbor!

  • - Huh?

  • Who said that?

  • - Me.

  • (cheering)

  • - Where?

  • - I'm right here!

  • - Oh.

  • (laughing)

  • Sorry. Couldn't see you there, Little Wilson.

  • - Argh!

  • It's just Wilson!

  • I don't need to be reminded that I need

  • a ladder to see over the fence.

  • - Tell me Little Wilson,

  • you ever have trouble with your wife?

  • - Ah, having love problems huh?

  • Well in times like this I like

  • to use a favorite quote of mine.

  • "Love is like the wind.

  • "You can't see it, but you can feel it."

  • - Huh.

  • Really?

  • Love is like breaking wind?

  • (laughing)

  • - That's not what I said!

  • - I mean it is a weird quotation, but it makes sense.

  • Both feel great.

  • - You're not listening!

  • - This has been really helpful.

  • Thanks, Little Wilson!

  • - Why do I even try with him!

  • Grrr!

  • - Hey everyone.

  • Welcome back to Tool Bench!

  • - All right, now let's get back

  • to work re-rebuilding this motor.

  • Now first we're gonna--

  • - Hold it there, Borland.

  • I can't do this.

  • - [Audience] Why?

  • - I screwed up at home.

  • - [Audience] Awww.

  • - I went a little overboard with this outboard.

  • (laughing)

  • But it upset someone I love very much.

  • You see, a wise person once said

  • love is like breaking wind.

  • You can't see it, but you can smell it.

  • - No one wise ever said that!

  • - So I owe an apology to someone out there.

  • My wife, Jill Pickle.

  • I'm sorry.

  • And I'd like to show you just how sorry I am with this.

  • (farting)

  • (laughing)

  • Could you guys help me out here?

  • (farting)

  • Yeah!

  • Jill, you're my world!

  • (farting)

  • - What the heck is going on?

  • - Argh!

  • It's a beautiful quote and you're ruining it!

  • - Dude, you might wanna chill out

  • with the whole farting thing.

  • - Aw come on, bore-land!

  • Stop being such a--

  • - Tool?

  • - Yeah.

  • As a matter of fact, you are being a bit of a tool.

  • (laughing)

  • - No!

  • Tool!

  • - Huh?

  • (screaming)

  • - Wow!

  • That really threw a wrench in this show!

  • (laughing)

  • - Guys!

  • Guys!

  • Get in here!

  • It's starting! Oh man oh man oh man oh man oh man!

  • - I can't believe it.

  • Orange is actually gonna be on TV.

  • - Really?

  • - I heard if he does a good job hosting

  • on the Kitchen Shopping Network today

  • they might give him a permanent job.

  • - Yay!

  • - Oh!

  • There he is, there he is!

  • - Hello everyone!

  • (applauding)

  • I'm your host, Orange!

  • - And I'm your hostess, Cupcake.

  • Have you ever come home from a long hard day,

  • sat down to enjoy your dinner,

  • and then bitten into a soggy salad?

  • (gasping)

  • - Yuck!

  • Ew!

  • There's gotta be a better way!

  • (buzzer ringing)

  • - Fortunately now there is.

  • Introducing Crispy Crisp Salad Spinner.

  • Just press the top and spin all the water out of your salad.

  • (applauding)

  • - Plus, if you hop inside, it'll make you

  • barf pretty much immediately!

  • (laughing and applauding)

  • (vomiting)

  • - Thanks for that, Orange.

  • (laughing)

  • - Maybe we should get a salad spinner.

  • - I do have a hard time barfing sometimes.

  • It could be a real help around here.

  • - Seriously, you guys?

  • No way!

  • We don't need a salad spinner.

  • - Pear's probably right.

  • - And if you call and order now,

  • we'll throw in a special gift!

  • Do you ever show up groggy to your job

  • as an air traffic controller,

  • groggily sit down to oversee air traffic,

  • and accidentally spill your coffee everywhere?

  • (screaming)

  • - I'm on fire!

  • Oh no!

  • And now the supercomputer that keeps

  • all the airplanes in the air is on fire too!

  • (screaming)

  • There's gotta be a better way!

  • (buzzer ringing)

  • - Well now there is.

  • The Untippable Mug.

  • (applauding)

  • Great for people who don't have hands.

  • - Wait a minute.

  • I don't have any hands.

  • - Neither do I!

  • Yay!

  • - We don't need it!

  • Seriously!

  • When was the last time anyone here spilled coffee

  • and caused a dozen airplanes to crash?

  • - Pear's right.

  • That hasn't happened in weeks.

  • - But wait, there's more!

  • - [Foods] There is?

  • - And if you call and order now,

  • we'll throw in a special gift.

  • - Unbelievable!

  • - Yay!

  • - Oh brother!

  • - Have you ever picked an oven mitt

  • off the counter but it was still

  • super hot from moments before when

  • the oven mitt was touching the hot part?

  • (screaming)

  • - I'm on fire!

  • Oh no!

  • And now the supercomputer that keeps

  • all the airplanes in the air is on fire too!

  • (screaming)

  • There's gotta be a better way!

  • (buzzer ringing)

  • - That happens to me all the time.

  • - How?

  • You don't have hands!

  • - Well now there is thanks to the Oven Mitt Oven Mitt!

  • (applauding)

  • That's right, it's an oven mitt for picking up oven mitts.

  • - That is genius!

  • - That is stupid!

  • - I'm getting one right now.

  • - Get two! That way we can have an oven mitt

  • for our Oven Mitt Oven Mitt.

  • - Great thinking.

  • - No, no!

  • I'm putting a stop to this nonsense right now!

  • (record scratching)

  • We don't need any of this stuff.

  • So we're not going to--

  • - Special deliver from the Kitchen Shopping Network.

  • - Yay!

  • - How the heck did you order that so fast?

  • - We have your credit card setup for one click shopping.

  • - Yay!

  • - My credit card?

  • You're telling me I just paid for a dumb

  • overpriced salad spinner that nobody needs?

  • - Silly Pear, of course not.

  • We bought enough salad spinners for everyone!

  • - [Foods] Yay!

  • - Weee!

  • (vomiting)

  • - Yay!

  • - Get the soap!

  • - No!

  • I will not allow this!

  • These special gifts are going back in the box.

  • - Good luck with that one, Pear.

  • It's untippable.

  • (laughing)

  • - Grrr!

  • - Hey Orange!

  • You were great on TV.

  • I'd even say you were--

  • - On fire?

  • - Absolutely!

  • You did really well.

  • - No, on fire!

  • (record scratching)

  • - Huh?

  • Oh no!

  • That oven mitt is on fire!

  • Quick, someone grab an Oven Mitt Oven Mitt!

  • - We can't.

  • Pear sent the Oven Mitt Oven Mitt back.

  • - You mean we have no Oven Mitt Oven Mitt?

  • - We have no Oven Mitt Oven Mitt!

  • - Oh man oh man oh man!

  • There's no way to stop this disaster!

  • - Guys, relax.

  • (fire alarm ringing)

  • See?

  • We don't need all that junk from the TV after all.

  • - Oh.

  • - Yeah, Pear's right.

  • The fire extinguisher took care of everything.

  • The fire and the supercomputer.

  • - I'm sorry, the what?

  • - Well the supercomputer over there.

  • You got it real good with the fire extinguisher.

  • - What?

  • Why is there a supercomputer here in the--

  • (screaming)

  • (school bell ringing)

  • - Don't forget, Buffetside High's

  • homecoming dance is this weekend.

  • If you haven't asked someone, better do it right now.

  • - Good idea.

  • Will you go with me?

  • - No.

  • I don't even know you.

  • (laughing)

  • - Aw man.

  • Thanks a lot, Sissy Spano.

  • (crying)

  • (cheering and applauding)

  • - Are you going to the dance, Screech?

  • - I'm no good at dancing.

  • I got no left feet.

  • (laughing)

  • - Oh Screech.

  • - Why does everyone keep calling me Screech?

  • My name is Apple.

  • - It's 'cause of your voice, Screech.

  • (cheering and applauding)

  • (screaming)

  • That's what you sound like.

  • - It is not!

  • (screaming)

  • - That's all I hear when you talk.

  • (laughing)

  • - Grrr!

  • - I bet you're going to the dance aren't you, Zack Orris?

  • - Well only if a certain someone says yes.

  • Oh, there she is!

  • With him.

  • - Usually I like to wash my post-workout

  • protein shake down with another protein shake.

  • It gives me the strength I need

  • to down a third protein shake.

  • - Hey Zack.

  • - Time out!

  • So I really really really wanna ask

  • Kelly KaPassion to the dance,

  • but I have no clue how to do it.

  • The new guy, A.C. Graper, is all over her.

  • Time in!

  • - How about you, Kelly.

  • Has anyone asked you to the homecoming dance yet?

  • - Not yet, but I'm hoping.

  • - Don't worry.

  • I'm sure someone will ask you very soon.

  • (laughing)

  • (cheering and applauding)

  • - Good afternoon, students.

  • We're all behaving, I assume.

  • - You know it, Mr. Bellpepper!

  • - Oh Mr. Graper.

  • (chuckling)

  • Could I have a word with you?

  • - Nice.

  • Maybe he got detention and can't go to the dance.

  • - Not quite, Zack.

  • Mr. Bellpepper's letting me into Kelly KaPassion's locker.

  • I'm gonna decorate it and ask her to homecoming.

  • Later suckers!

  • - Aw man.

  • Why didn't I think of that?

  • Time out!

  • (farting)

  • Yeah, I freeze time to fart sometimes.

  • So what?

  • Time in!

  • - Zack, you have to figure out a way to ask

  • Kelly KaPassion to the homecoming

  • before she opens her locker.

  • - Yeah!

  • Otherwise she might go with A.C. Graper.

  • - Seriously dude.

  • (screaming)

  • That's all I heard.

  • - Whatever!

  • - Okay okay okay, let me think.

  • - Well I'll see you guys.

  • I'm gonna go grab my algebra book from my locker.

  • - Wait!

  • No!

  • - Huh?

  • Well why not?

  • - Because algebra class is canceled.

  • - It is?

  • Cool.

  • Well I guess I'll go stash

  • my algebra homework in my locker.

  • - Wait!

  • You can't do that because they reset

  • all the locker combinations.

  • - Well to what?

  • - To zero zero zero.

  • - Oh, cool.

  • So I can just use that combination.

  • - Smooth move, Zack!

  • - Wait!

  • Don't go open your locker!

  • - Why not?

  • - Because I put a live squirrel in there.

  • - Oh no.

  • I should go let it out.

  • - No!

  • It's a murderous squirrel!

  • (gasping)

  • - Oh my.

  • - Yeah, yup, that's it.

  • It's a fanatical crazy murderous squirrel.

  • - Oh dear.

  • Mr. Bellpepper, did you hear?

  • There are murderous squirrels in the school.

  • - Huh, there are?

  • This is the worst nightmare as a principal!

  • Evacuate!

  • Pull the fire alarm!

  • (alarm ringing)

  • - Mr. Bellpepper--

  • - Bar the doors!

  • Keep your distance from any and all acorns!

  • I repeat, any and all acorns!

  • (screaming)

  • - But I'm an acorn.

  • - And you'll be the first to feel the squirrels' wrath.

  • (screaming)

  • - Mr. Bellpepper!

  • Stop!

  • - There's no squirrel.

  • - Ha ha, what did Screech just screech at me now?

  • (laughing)

  • - There's no squirrel, Mr. Bellpepper.

  • It's a lie I told that spun out of control.

  • - A lie?

  • But why?

  • - Because, well, I wanted to ask Kelly KaPassion

  • to homecoming before A.C. Graper did.

  • - I see.

  • Yeah, that makes no sense whatsoever.

  • - Is that true, Zack?

  • You want to go to homecoming with me?

  • (gasping)

  • - Of course it's true.

  • - I'd love to go with you.

  • - Woohoo!

  • - Oh man.

  • Be strong, A.C.

  • Be strong!

  • Harness the strength of a dozen protein shakes!

  • - All right!

  • I'm going to homecoming with Kelly KaPassion!

  • - Ha ha, are you now?

  • 'Cause it's going to be tough to attend

  • the homecoming dance while you're in detention.

  • (record scratching)

  • - What?

  • (booing)

  • - Well this is what you get for lying, Zack.

  • Because of you, we just pulled

  • 10 fire alarms and called the police!

  • - I guess I see your point.

  • - And you do well to remember it.

  • If you take someone to a dance, just ask them.

  • You don't need to make up a lie

  • about something ridiculous like a--

  • - Crazy fanatical murderous squirrel?

  • - Exactly.

  • - No!

  • Crazy fanatical murderous squirrel!

  • (screaming)

  • (horror music sting)

  • (burping)

  • (alarm beeping)

  • - Orange!

  • Orange!

  • Oh no!

  • Orange!

  • (dramatic theme music)

  • (banjo melody)

  • All right, who's ready to go camping?

  • I've got the sleeping bags.

  • - I've got the matches.

  • - I've got the marshmallows.

  • - [Marshmallows] Yay!

  • We can't breathe!

  • - And I've got the RV.

  • - Whoa! - Whoa!

  • - I cannot vouch for where I got this RV.

  • Or why it seems to be exploding.

  • (coughing)

  • - My product, it's ruined!

  • - Whoa!

  • Who's the egg and why's he cracking up?

  • (laughing)

  • - Puns.

  • Fantastic.

  • - What?

  • Don't like my yolks?

  • (laughing)

  • - Listen, sorry if I don't give heed

  • to your whimsical wordplay, but I'm very busy!

  • - Aww, you look upset.

  • I'll cheer you up with a joke.

  • Knock knock.

  • - I am the one who knocks.

  • - Knock knock.

  • - I am the one who knocks!

  • - Okay, fine.

  • You start.

  • - Knock knock.

  • - Who's there?

  • - Say my name.

  • - Say my name who?

  • - If you don't know who I am, then perhaps

  • your best course is to tread lightly.

  • - Was that the punchline?

  • - Grrr!

  • - I think what Orange is trying to say

  • is that we just wanna know who you are.

  • - That is a long story.

  • I used to be a high school home economics teacher

  • by the name of Walter Eggwhite.

  • My cooking was renowned across New Mexico.

  • Then I found out that I was going rotten.

  • I couldn't pay for the expensive hard-boiling

  • treatment that would save my shelf life,

  • so I fell into a world of crime.

  • Now they call me Eggsenberg.

  • Now if you'd all please get out of my way, I need to cook.

  • - Yay!

  • Pancakes!

  • - No, not pancakes.

  • This is chili pepper hot sauce with a tweak of chemistry.

  • An acidic heat so pure, a single drop

  • could scramble your brain.

  • - Yay!

  • Brains!

  • - When the recipe is done exactly right,

  • the sauce turns a perfect orange.

  • - Easy there, sauce boss.

  • Everyone knows I'm the only perfect orange around.

  • - You're wrong.

  • This is our turf now.

  • - Our turf?

  • - Oh yes.

  • This is my associate, Messy Pinkman.

  • - Hey yo.

  • Don't even think of telling anyone our plans.

  • Snitch.

  • - Yeah, we're not really interested

  • in the hot sauce business.

  • Or the inevitable violence that comes with it.

  • - I'm not in the hot sauce business.

  • I'm in the empire business!

  • - Empire?

  • All I see is some runny eggs.

  • Now hand over the hot sauce, Eggsenberg.

  • - What the shell?

  • - Hey yo, this is bad, Mr. EggWhite.

  • It's the Carton Cartel.

  • - See?

  • Inevitable!

  • - Yeesh.

  • This is getting El Pollo Loco.

  • (laughing)

  • - Everybody put your weapons down!

  • It's all over, Walt!

  • Or should I say Eggsenberg.

  • - Oh no, it's my brother-in-law Hank-on.

  • He's--

  • - A pig!

  • And I hate pigs!

  • - Everyone just calm down!

  • There's a completely rational explanation.

  • - Put down your weapons, all of you!

  • - Hand over the hot sauce!

  • - Grr!

  • - Are you in trouble?

  • Better call Saul!

  • - How could this possibly get worse?

  • - I don't know.

  • Somebody could spit a seed in your eye.

  • - Well yes, I suppose that could--

  • (gun firing)

  • Ow!

  • (laughing)

  • - Told ya!

  • - You fool.

  • You've ruined my recipe.

  • It's become completely unstable!

  • (screaming)

  • - Yeah, snitch!

  • Science!

  • - Oh Messy.

  • (screaming)

  • - Orange!

  • Orange!

  • Orange!

  • - Huh, huh?

  • Oh, sorry guys.

  • Guess I needed a power nap.

  • Hey, where's old Egghead?

  • - Yeah, well the explosion kinda...

  • Well look for yourself.

  • - I told you I'd get you, Walter.

  • You're in danger now.

  • - I'm not in danger.

  • I am the danger.

  • - Yo Mr. EggWhite, somebody ratted us out.

  • Everyone here's a snitch!

  • You're all snitches!

  • - Wow.

  • Poor guys.

  • Omelet-them work out their problems.

  • (laughing)

  • - It's over?

  • Aw, now I'm breaking sad.

  • (laughing)

  • (bell ringing)

  • - Uh-oh.

  • (laughing)

  • - I mean have we not solved it already?

  • Is it tomatoes or is it to-mah-toes?

  • (laughing)

  • Can't the tomatoes just get together,

  • hold a meeting, and call the whole thing off?

  • And what's the deal with airplane food?

  • Does anybody actually like this stuff?

  • - Hey.

  • (laughing)

  • I'm airline food!

  • - My mother's airline food!

  • - Uh-oh, looks like there's

  • a problem in the peanut gallery.

  • (laughing)

  • - This is the night, Pear.

  • Tonight Little Apple makes his move.

  • - On the new secretary at work?

  • - Precisely.

  • At the annual company party.

  • - I see a couple holes in your plan.

  • First, do you even know her name?

  • - Not a clue.

  • - Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, women hate you.

  • - Not a problem.

  • I've got a plan.

  • - A plan to get bigger somehow?

  • - What?

  • No. I was gonna get a wig.

  • - Oh.

  • - Wait, are you telling me women don't like that I'm small?

  • I thought it was because I was bald!

  • (laughing)

  • - I honestly can't say.

  • I'm not a woman.

  • - Oh come on!

  • I'm a good size!

  • - Hey guys.

  • (cheering and applauding)

  • - Passion, do women not like me

  • because I'm small or because I'm bald?

  • - We don't like you because you're an idiot.

  • (laughing)

  • - Fair enough.

  • - So how was your date last night?

  • - It was okay.

  • Me and this guy watched a little Adventure Time

  • and then we went back to his place, yada yada yada.

  • - Wait, you just yada yada yada'd over the best part!

  • - Yeah.

  • You can't yada yada yada over the best part.

  • - No, I told you about Adventure Time.

  • (laughing)

  • Anyway, you guys heard about

  • this new soup place across town?

  • It's supposed to be amazing.

  • Anyone wanna go before the party?

  • - Pear does!

  • - I do?

  • - Pear, you have got to keep Passion distracted.

  • She cannot come to my company's party 'til after 9.

  • - Why not?

  • - Because there'll be dancing until 9.

  • You remember the last time Passion danced.

  • - Of course.

  • It's seared into my memory forever.

  • I almost vomited.

  • - No dancing Passion.

  • It'll ruin my chances with the secretary.

  • It'll throw the whole thing off!

  • - All right!

  • All right.

  • - Great!

  • I'm off to buy a wig.

  • - Hey, we talking about wigs over here?

  • 'Cause I can totally get you a wig.

  • - Really?

  • - Oh yeah.

  • I know a guy.

  • Sells wheat germ wigs in Central Park.

  • 20 bucks a pop.

  • - Well that's super cheap.

  • Are they any good?

  • - Good?

  • They're great!

  • Trust me, you've never worn a wig

  • until you've worn a wheat germ wig.

  • (laughing)

  • - Well if you say so.

  • - Oh, I almost forgot.

  • What time is your company party?

  • - Later.

  • Much later!

  • I hope.

  • (laughing)

  • Oh, and remember, when you meet my boss,

  • make sure to pronounce his name exactly right.

  • - Oh yeah?

  • How does he say it?

  • - Toe-ma-too.

  • - I beg your pardon?

  • - Toe-ma-too.

  • It's French or something.

  • - That's it!

  • We got tomato and to-mah-to and now

  • we got a whole other one to worry about.

  • I say no.

  • I refuse.

  • I'm calling the whole thing off.

  • (wacky synthesizer melody)

  • - Next.

  • - I cannot wait to try this soup.

  • - I don't have anything smaller than a 20.

  • - No soup for you!

  • - Yeesh.

  • This guy's being a real Nazi about this stuff isn't he?

  • - Yeah, but apparently the soup's so great,

  • so you just have to put up with him.

  • - Oh no.

  • Grapefruit's here.

  • - Hello Pear.

  • - Hello...

  • Grapefruit.

  • Trying the soup huh?

  • - That's right.

  • I've been enjoying the finer aspects of our city all day.

  • In fact, I just picked up some

  • premium wheat germ at Central Park.

  • - Next!

  • - Hi.

  • Do you have minestrone?

  • - It's pronounce minestron.

  • - Really?

  • 'Cause I've always heard minestrone.

  • - That's it!

  • No soup for you!

  • - What?

  • For possibly mispronouncing soup?

  • - Yes.

  • Get out!

  • - Ugh, whatever.

  • Let's just go to the party, Pear.

  • - Party?

  • But you don't wanna...

  • - Next!

  • - I'll have the toasted wheat germ soup please.

  • - Excellent choice.

  • Oh no.

  • We appear to be out of wheat germ.

  • - Oh, well then today's your lucky day.

  • (laughing)

  • (wacky synthesizer melody)

  • (party music)

  • - Hey hey!

  • How's the wig look?

  • - Great, great.

  • It's just...

  • - It's just what?

  • - Do you smell something?

  • - No.

  • - Probably nothing.

  • Whoa!

  • Who's she?

  • - That's her!

  • And she's wearing a nametag.

  • Perfect!

  • This is Little Apple's time to strike.

  • (laughing)

  • Hello there.

  • - Little Apple.

  • From Accounts.

  • - That's me.

  • Fancy seeing you here, Potato.

  • - Oh, actually it's Po-ta-too.

  • (record scratching)

  • - Pardon?

  • - Potatoo.

  • It's French.

  • - Is that so?

  • My name is French as well.

  • Little Apple, care to introduce me

  • to this stunning young woman?

  • - Well of course.

  • Mr. Tomatoo, meet Miss Potatoo.

  • - A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Tomatoo.

  • - The pleasure is all mine, Miss Potatoo.

  • Come, let me show you my numerous sports cans.

  • Perhaps we'll take a ride in one.

  • - Grrr!

  • My boss just stole the girl of my dreams!

  • Could this get any worse?

  • - Check out that lady on the dance floor.

  • - What?

  • (laughing)

  • Pear!

  • Why are you guys here so early?

  • The DJ is still playing!

  • - We couldn't get soup.

  • Passion made me come right here.

  • - Bleh.

  • Is it me or does this place reek of rancid wheat germ?

  • - What?

  • Are you saying my wig is past due?

  • - I'm saying your wig has turned, Little Apple.

  • The germ has turned!

  • - Wha, the germ has turned!

  • - The germ has turned!

  • - What's that smell?

  • - Oh no!

  • The wig's ruining the party!

  • - Eh, I'd say it's already ruined.

  • (laughing)

  • - Wait, isn't that your girl with Mr. Tomato?

  • - Hey!

  • Hey!

  • It's Tomatoo to you.

  • Now get outta here!

  • - What?

  • For mispronouncing your name?

  • - Yes!

  • Get out!

  • No party for you!

  • - Woo!

  • This is my jam!

  • - Don't worry, Pear.

  • I have a feeling this party's about to go south.

  • - Her dancing is so horrible.

  • I think I'm gonna barf.

  • (music intensifying)

  • (vomiting)

  • - You guys wanna get a bite?

  • - Yeah.

  • I could eat.

  • Diner?

  • Chinese?

  • - Oh!

  • We should get soup!

  • (wacky synthesizer melody)

  • - My soup, it's rancid!

  • - Oh no!

  • This germ has turned!

  • I used turned germ!

  • Oh!

  • - Yuck!

  • I'm never come back here again!

  • - Me neither!

  • (vomiting)

  • - I used turned germ!

  • (wacky synthesizer melody)

  • - These hieroglyphics are amazing.

  • Thousands of years ago there was a battle

  • called the Millennial Games and they used

  • all the same monsters that we do

  • with our Float Monsters card to play it.

  • - Then that means...

  • Wait, what does that mean?

  • - It means we should buy more cards.

  • - That's not even how you play the game, Orange.

  • And you already spent all your money on trading cards.

  • How are you gonna buy more?

  • - I'll just sell these!

  • - That must be the Millennial Puzzle.

  • Legend says it was shattered into a dozen pieces

  • and only he chosen one can put it back--

  • - Done!

  • (rumbling)

  • - Orange!

  • What'd you do?

  • (light aura ringing)

  • - Thieves?

  • In my tomb?

  • Good luck robbing me from The Shady Realm!

  • (screaming)

  • After 5,000 years the Millennial Games shall return.

  • I'll finally conquer Egypt, and then the world!

  • - Hey!

  • Who turned out the lights?

  • Yu-Gi-Oh!

  • (music intensifying)

  • You're casting a lot of shade, Brocura.

  • And that's not cool.

  • Get your deck ready 'cause it's time to duel!

  • - I should have know you would stay

  • close to your puzzle, Pharaoh.

  • Prepare for your ultimate demise.

  • For the loser will spend eternity in The Shady Realm.

  • I'll start off by summoning Neil,

  • Defending Swordsman in attack position.

  • - What's the top hashtag today?

  • - Then I'll put two cards face down.

  • Your move, Pharaoh.

  • - Your swordsman is strong, but his inability

  • to pay attention will be his downfall

  • as I bring my best friend to the field.

  • Bae-ver Warrior.

  • - Ha ha, you fool!

  • My swordsman attack power

  • far surpasses that of your warrior.

  • - Don't underestimate my bae, Brocura,

  • because right now I can't even!

  • By placing one card face down and playing this one

  • I've activated its special effect.

  • When I have an odd number of cards in my hand

  • I can double my bae's attack points.

  • Now bae, take him out!

  • - Top Five Reasons Today Sucked.

  • Number three will shock you.

  • (screaming)

  • - Impressive move, but you've activated my trap card.

  • Plot hole.

  • Plot holes let me do something

  • that doesn't make any sense but keeps

  • the plot moving forward, so I negate

  • your base power up meaning our fight

  • plays out more like this.

  • - My bae!

  • - My move.

  • I summon the #BurstElf in attack mode.

  • Together both my monsters will attack

  • and take you out of the game.

  • - Not so fast.

  • I activate Selfie Force!

  • My front facing camera reflects

  • your attack right back at your monster.

  • (laughing)

  • - Grrr!

  • Seems after all these centuries

  • you still haven't lost your touch.

  • I end my turn.

  • - I am defenseless no more!

  • For I summon Smelted Guardian to protect me!

  • - Why is it Smelted--

  • (farting)

  • - Because he dealt it, Brocura.

  • And from the gassy shadows, attack his life points directly!

  • - Not so fast!

  • I play my trap card Face Swap.

  • For one turn we switch places.

  • Meaning your attack comes right back at you.

  • (burping)

  • - Guardian, no!

  • - You'll lose before your next turn.

  • But don't worry, Pharaoh.

  • You'll have plenty of time to get turnt in The Shady Realm.

  • - That may be, Brocura.

  • But on the other hand, can you say...

  • Knife!

  • - What the blazes?

  • - I play Knives of Revealing Light!

  • It forbids you from attacking on your next two turns.

  • Your move.

  • - My field is wide open for attack, so I'll boost

  • my defenses with Dang it Daniel in defense mode.

  • - [Pharaoh VO] That Daniel's rocking it

  • with those white vans, but none of my cards

  • are strong enough to break through it.

  • My first turn is wasted.

  • I place a card face down in defense mode!

  • Your move!

  • - Prepare for oblivion, Pharaoh.

  • For I sacrifice my Dang It Daniel

  • to bring a more powerful monster to the field.

  • Gaia, The Fleek Knight.

  • - [Brocura VO] My Fleek Knight is forbidden

  • from attacking for now, but on my next turn

  • he'll begin his assault, and not a single monster

  • on the Pharaoh's side stands a chance.

  • My victory is assured!

  • - [Pharaoh VO] None of my monster cards

  • are strong enough to defeat that handsome knight.

  • This Yolo card would destroy his monster,

  • but it destroys my side of the field too.

  • Perhaps I could use my Reverse Slay card

  • to bring a monster back to defense me,

  • but Burcura's cards are on point.

  • I'll have to trust in the heart

  • of my deck and draw the right card!

  • - By all means, Pharaoh.

  • This turn will begin your undoing.

  • (evil laughing)

  • - You're the one who's about to become undone.

  • I sacrifice my two monsters

  • to summon my ultimate creature.

  • The Dank Magician!

  • - What the devil?

  • His magician is more powerful than my knight.

  • - And I play Yolo, destroying all monsters on the field.

  • - I don't understand.

  • You summoned your most lit beast only to destroy it?

  • - Everyone only lives once.

  • Even you, Brocura.

  • But you'll find my magician can break that rule

  • when I play Reverse Slay undoing his untimely demise

  • and bringing him back to the field!

  • - But that means...

  • - That you haven't a single monster to protect you.

  • Dank Magician, attack!

  • (screaming)

  • And now Brocura, I forever banish you to The Shady Realm!

  • - No!

  • (screaming)

  • - Fam!

  • Your souls are back safe and sound.

  • My job here is done.

  • - Fam?

  • So did we know that guy?

  • - Never seen him before in my life.

  • - What just happened?

  • - No idea, dude.

  • No idea.

  • So you still taking that puzzle with you?

  • - Yuck!

  • I hate puzzles!

  • (puzzle shattering)

  • - Not cool.

  • Guess I should've played my cards a little differently?

  • - Ghost!

  • (screaming)

  • - It always end the same way.

  • Knife comes down and cuts him in half.

  • Seriously guys, that's all I know!

  • Honest!

  • - [Cheese] Save it for the Oscars, Meryl.

  • We're not buying your story.

  • - It's not Meryl!

  • It's midget, Little Apple!

  • And who the heck are you guys anyway?

  • - We're Special Agents Mac and Cheese.

  • - We're here to investigate the mysterious

  • disappearances that have plagued this kitchen.

  • - My money's on UFOs.

  • - Yeah, but the smart money's on a gypsy curse.

  • - Alien gypsies?

  • - Now you're talking.

  • - Grrr!

  • Guys, you got it all wrong!

  • - Nah, there's something screwy in this kitchen.

  • I can almost feel it.

  • (horn blowing)

  • - I think I hear what you mean.

  • (record scratching)

  • - Ricola!

  • (laughing)

  • (sci-fi piano melody)

  • Hey!

  • Hey Agent Wedgie!

  • Hey, over here!

  • - That's Special Agent Cheese.

  • - I'm sorry, curd you say that again?

  • (laughing)

  • (record scratching)

  • - Can the laugh track, funny fruit.

  • This is serious business.

  • My partner and I are on the trail

  • of an extremely dangerous cryptozoological creature.

  • - More like crypto-illogical.

  • They're just looking for knife.

  • - I knew it!

  • These two are obviously in cahoots.

  • (laughing)

  • - He called Midget Apple an owl.

  • (laughing)

  • - We'll be pulling around the clock

  • surveillance until we bag this creature.

  • - Yay!

  • Slumber party!

  • - More like slaughter party!

  • - Oh.

  • I've never been to one of those before.

  • - It'll be fun.

  • We can play pin the tail on the Yeti vampire freak.

  • - Is that like Jenga?

  • - Maybe you're not listening.

  • - Backgammon?

  • - We're talking about monsters here, motormouth.

  • - Aliens with an axe to grind.

  • - Ghouls with power tools.

  • - Ewoks tossing tiny little rocks.

  • - Can you dig it?

  • - Not really.

  • I don't know any of those games.

  • - I tell you Mac, this one is 100% certifiable

  • and I don't mean organic.

  • - Hey!

  • You guys should talk to Tree about the disappearances.

  • She's always leaf-ing!

  • (laughing)

  • - Don't play dumb with us, smart guy.

  • - Easy, Mac.

  • I don't think he's playing.

  • Real headcase this one.

  • - Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

  • Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na!

  • - Grrr!

  • Guys, this is just a big misunderstanding okay?

  • - So it's just a lone crazy knife.

  • That's all huh?

  • - That's what I've been trying to tell you!

  • - Nuh-uh!

  • Sometimes it's a blender, or a pry bar,

  • or toasters, or explosions.

  • Lots of explosions.

  • Oh, and then there was this one time

  • the Halloweenie ate the Frankenfruit.

  • (laughing)

  • Good times.

  • - Now we're getting somewhere.

  • - Seems like Mr. Memory here

  • knows more than he's letting on.

  • - Oooo, a shiny microphone.

  • Are we gonna do carrot-oke?

  • (laughing)

  • - Tell us everything you know or my partner

  • will wipe your memory with his neuralyzer.

  • - Too bad you don't have more than one.

  • Then it would be a pluralyzer.

  • (laughing)

  • (loud flashing)

  • - Oops.

  • - Nice one, butterfingers.

  • There goes our star witness.

  • - Hey, hey Cheese Whiz!

  • I think there's something wrong with your microphone.

  • - Figures.

  • These things never work on citrus fruit.

  • (growling)

  • - Bleh, there he goes.

  • Tooting his own horn again.

  • - Huh?

  • That wasn't me.

  • My horn sounds like this.

  • (horn blowing)

  • - Then what was it?

  • Spill already, why don't you?

  • - Well I do have one idea.

  • - What's that?

  • - Yeti vampire freak.

  • ♪ Yeti vampire freak ♪

  • - My god, it's got fangs, a boombox, and yeti powers?

  • (growling)

  • - Hey, hey!

  • Show it your microphone!

  • (screaming)

  • Pasta la vista, baby.

  • (laughing)

  • Ew.

  • - I swear partner, one day I'll track

  • that thing down and make it pay for what it did to you.

  • - Aww, poor Cheese.

  • - Yeah, now he's all prov-alone.

  • (laughing)

  • - Grrr.

  • - Seriously though, if you need a new partner

  • I know somebody that's pretty sharp.

  • - Oh yeah?

  • And who's that?

  • - Knife!

  • (screaming)

  • - Whoa!

  • - Whoa!

  • - Well that can't feel gouda.

  • (laughing)

  • Ew.

  • - Geez.

  • I tried to warn him.

  • - Well, cheddar luck next time.

  • (laughing)

  • (horn blowing)

  • - Ricola!

  • (soft rock music)

- Oh no!

Subtitles and vocabulary

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