yet awesome horoscope shorts

that aired on Nickelodeon back in the day.

Let's see what's written in the stars for these zodiac signs,

as we uncover Squidward's olden day horoscopes

from the vault.

And now, Astrology With Squidward.

[music playing]

Today we explore Sagittarius, sign of the...

Eh, half horse, half guy with a bow and arrow.

The good thing about Sagittarians, they have great aim.

No matter. I was voted most artistic in high school.

Ouch!

The bad thing about them, they poop while they're walking.

So never march behind them in a parade.

Ah, POOP.

My prediction for Sagittarius in the coming year:

you won't eat enough green vegetables.

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

reminding you that if you smelt it, chances are you dealt it.

[playing clarinet]

Say happy birthday to Taurus the bull.

Taurus is the most clumsy and oafish of all zodiac signs.

That's it!

[screaming]

They tend to break delicate objects just by walking past them.

If no one ever invites you to their house, you're probably a Taurus.

No, this is Patrick.

From now on, only buy things made out of rubber.

My prediction for Taurus in the coming year:

you will eat a wide variety of different foods.

[burping]

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

reminding you that no matter what your sign, you owe me five dollars.

[playing clarinet]

This is Leo, sign of the lion.

Hear him roar.

[screaming]

The typical Leo has a voice as pleasant as a dental drill.

[laughing]

Why aren't you laughing?

If you have a Leo in your family, I suggest you move out or

buy earmuffs.

Correct!

Leos often grow up to be junior high school vice principals.

My prediction for Leo in the twelve months ahead:

everyone you know will get one year older.

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

saying my powers are as real as any other psychic's.

Say hello to Pisces, sign of the fish.

If you're a Pisces, people don't trust you.

That's because Pisceans tend to lie all the time.

Even when they think they're telling the truth, they're not.

What?

For the Pisces who wants to stop lying, I have simple advice.

Never talk again.

I don't like your attitude, bub.

My prediction for Pisces in the year ahead:

your nose will keep working just fine.

I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

reminding you that psychics will tell you good things if you tip them well.

[playing clarinet]

Let's look at Gemini, sign of the twins.

If you're a Gemini, you probably experience déjà vu,

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

And you also experience déjà vu,

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

[laughing]

This month, Gemini's moon is in Uranus.

So, you smell funny.

My prediction for Gemini, you'll experience déjà vu,

the feeling that this moment has happened before.

I'm Squidward your Nick Tune astrologer,

reminding you not to touch my stuff.

Happy birthday to Cancer, sign of the crab.

Not all Cancarians are crabby,

but they are all good at causing problems and then blaming them on others.

Cheer up, Mr. Krabs. Here's that washing machine you wanted.

Cheer up?

How can I cheer up when you're spending all my hard earned cash?

See! You just did it again.

Lad, I can't help it if you're loose with other people's money.

Many famous fibbers and elected officials are Cancers.

My prediction for Cancer:

This week, you will fall asleep seven times.

Don't worry, you'll wake up.

So, you tried to kill me over a little new age management, eh?

I'm your Nick Tune astrologer, Squidward,

reminding you that it is bad karma to eat animated seafood.

Uh, let's just stop here.

OK, so these horoscopes were a little too harsh.

How are you going to live with yourself?

Maybe Squidward should just stick to the clarinet.

[playing clarinet]

Squidward! We love you!

I love you, Squidward!

You're my favorite!

[ringing]

Alright, alright.

Time for another hideous day at work.

Oh, just hang in there, gorgeous.

[playing clarinet]

Your star will shine at the clarinet recital tomorrow.