I started this back in November

And I did roughly two to three sessions per month because my tattoo artist is pretty popular and busy

And end of March I was finally able to finish it so now I could share the meaning of it with you

It's not so much a collection of different pieces as

Much as it's a story that I want to keep with me and never forget. Now just before warn before

Continuing with this movie. This is not going to be a super-fun video

I'm going to be dipping into some of the darker parts of my past so if you're not in a great place right now

I wouldn't recommend watching it

There is a happy ending to it in the end, but the journey there was a little bit painful, so just be forewarned

Here we go. So let's start with my first tattoo that I got when I was 18 it's on this arm right here

It's of space and it's suns and moons and planets

And meteors and life and color and vibrancy. And I find that a lot of the space tattoos that I've seen on other people are

very bright and optimistic. You see space as teeming with

opportunity and full of life and wonder and awe.

But space isn't really like that. Space is

mostly space.

It's empty, and boundless, and bare and inhospitable and

really dark and cold and shitty. And that's where this tattoo starts.

I went through a really rough period of my life in university it was really rough.

I was once very hopeful. I was inspired

I was teeming with optimism at what the world and what the universe had out there for me.

But I couldn't find anything. I couldn't find a purpose I was

profoundly

and

disturbingly

alone and introverted.

I didn't have a single friend or

anybody I could really talk to about anything. But I I saw it all around me

I saw people talking to each other going out with each other. Groups of people.

But I wasn't part of any of that and I was

abysmally depressed and I could look out there, and I could see glimmers of hope and possibility

but all of its was out of my reach and what I was left with was bleak.

I didn't have anyone I could talk to so I would spend my midnights, almost every midnight,

just talking to the sky and

memorizing poetry. I would memorize Shelley and Wordsworth and Milton and

Shakespeare. And I would try to find words I could better understand myself or the the human spirit or

understand something that could make me feel better about why I'm

here, and why I'm so alone.

But I

couldn't really find any answers. And on my talks with the sky,

I would just look at the stars, and I would feel so much more alone and so much more empty. And

that's where this tattoo

begins. I

Remember the very last talk I had with the sky, and I remember telling it that were through.

However this universe was made I

didn't find a purpose in it. I didn't find any joy in it.

I only found myself being very unhappy in it. So I

decided that I wanted out and I made up my mind that night

to make a decision that can't be unmade.

Told you this was going to be a shitty video. So that night that I had my last conversation with the sky

was a very big change in my life because

I'm not sure if somebody heard it

but something happened. And this is where things are gonna get slightly more nerdy for a bit.

Simulation theory is

Something that I engage with. If you're as old as I am think about how much

videogames have changed in our lives. I went from

pac-man

To Skyrim. Computers have grown so much

stronger over the past couple of decades and programming has followed suit. How much longer will it be until a computer is strong enough to

simulate human consciousness. Maybe even simulate a universe and once it happens,

how will anybody within the simulation be able to tell if it's a simulation or not. So that talk that I had with the sky,

somebody listened. Whoever was play the game knew that I was about to stop playing the game altogether and

so they added a line of code. And that's this line of code right here. It's binary.

If you know a little bit about computer languages then binary is just about as basic as it gets.

It's just zeros and ones; zero represents off

one represents on. And I felt that my life was all zeros.

I felt that I was all off.

But this line right here.

Changed the program of my life. And if you can't read binary, I'm gonna read it for you.

It's M-A

R-T-I-N-A

Martina became a big part of my life as soon as I had that talk with the sky.

It's a great line of code might I add. Possibly the best line of code ever.

I married that line of code,

and I'll stay with that line of code as

long as I possibly can because it rocks. On this part of my tattoo, I have a lot of waves.

Tidal waves.

I haven't really told a lot of people this but every month or two months is so I have this recurring dream of

tidal waves that I'm running away from as it destroys and wipes away

everything in my life.

My neighborhood and my house and everything like that. And this is where the tattoo makes a very big change.

Martina and I have nicknames for each other. We call each other duckies so here we are, two duckies.

She's the pretty one with all the color, and she's holding the umbrella above me, protecting me from all the shit

that's above it.

And we're floating calmly on very still waters together.

Oh, if that last part of the video was difficult to talk about so is this.

Okay, I don't know if you could see it as much as I can. You, you definitely can't see it as much as I can

but Martina has

just the most beautiful soul in her that I've

ever come across.

She's dealing with so much pain, more pain than

anyone I've ever met and she's still so vibrant and

so

inspiring and it's

because of her that I have color in my life.

It's

her color that

grows out of her and grows into my hand and lets me do something with my life that I feel

happy about, that I feel is worth it. I feel creative.

I feel like I can make something in this world and I can make something of myself

because of her.

I really like the watercolors in this. It really reminds me of

one of my favorite pictures that I have of Martina in our time in Chicago.

It's a really pretty picture. So that's my story. I can't ever forget that and sometimes

I do. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and then I remember

what I'm living my life for. Who I'm living my life for. And then I can get back to it.

From my point of view, the way that I look down at this. I could see

everything that I came from and I could see where I am today. I chose to get this tattoo for

another reason as well because

Martina, as some of you may know, lives in chronic pain.

Just every second of every day is

relentless pain for her. And she'll hide it on camera, and she'll hide it in front of others

and she'll hide it in front of me.

But she's suffering and I know she is. If she's sitting or standing or laying down,

she could never actually be comfortable. So I wanted to

put myself through something similar because, for those of you that have tattoos,

you know that they're not fun to get. They hurt like hell. This wrist part was

insane. The armpit area.

Sweet hell, But I put myself through this pain, through many hours of it,

so I could try to put myself in Martina's shoes for a bit.

I tried to focus when I was going through this pain.

I was trying to be decent when I was going through this pain. I tried to carry on a conversation

with the tattoo artist. It was a stupid conversation

I had mostly about how much pain I was in but I hope that through going through this,

I could empathize a little bit more with Martina.

Ooo, this is the part that is gonna be tough for me to say. Our previous parts were tough, this is a tough part.

Okay, here we go

Whoo. The last reason that I got this tattoo wasn't just for me to remember,

but for Martina to remember. Because

she's a lot sicker now than she was when we first got married and

sometimes when she's

not doing well,

she feels very guilty

and she..

She apologizes...

For being so sick. For, oh boy.

She sometimes feels that she tricked me into marrying her.

I want her to see this tattoo and to remember..

That she didn't trick me. That she

saved me. And I need her to remember how much she's done for me.

I owe her my life, and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to pay her back.

Guess that's it. There's that video. I didn't want to cry this much. I didn't want to be this kind of video.

So I hope that she doesn't feel guilty when she sees this tattoo.

You can't cry yourself. Nooo! (Martina: I can't come hug you cause I'm wearing pajibers and I don't have a bra on)

Point is.

I don't ever want her to feel guilty for being sick around me, but she's definitely gonna find

another way to feel guilty But don't worry everyone.

I still have three more limbs that I could tattoo on.

Actually. (Martina: Sailor Moon Duck it is)

I think it's more like four limbs. (Martina: DUCKIE)

Because let's admit it, It is pretty huge. Hold on, I gotta blow it right now

I was talking about my nose. Of course. Why? What were you thinking?

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Okay, so that's it for this super happy video.

Wasn't that great to watch? I'm so glad that I shared this.

If you want to learn more about tattoos in Japan, we did another video about that. No sobbing,

no crying in that one. Super lighthearted video.

So click on the link here if you want to learn about tattoo culture in Japan. (Martina: Hey duckie) I'm a wreck. Yes my love. (Martina: Let me just say something important, okay?)

(Martina: Getting a tattoo done that had meaning is wonderful, and you sharing with people was really hard)

(Martina: You know? You're always captain, mister tough. You know. Oh I lost this challenge,)

(Martina: I want these cookies, but I know you're a big softie.) I want to cry every time I lose in cookie battles.

(Martina: I know you do.)

Okay. That's it.

I'm sweating. From the eyes. And the nose. And the pits. Thanks for watching.