(all laughing)

- All right, Food Diaries take one mark

- Hey I'm Tiffany Haddish and this is

everything I eat in a day.

(upbeat music)

Do you really want to know

the first thing I do when I wake up?

Usually I stretch, I look at my hands,

and I say, "Oh I made it to another day.

"New chance for new beginnings," and then I pass gas.

Then I'm like, "What am I gonna eat?"

And that's when I head to the kitchen.

And I open the refrigerator, I look inside,

I close it, and I go, "Why I don't have no food?"

Then I go to the cabinets and I open that up,

and I close them and I go, "Why I don't have no food?"

Then I go back to the refrigerator and I open it up again.

I say, "I got some food, look at that.

(ding)

"There goes some chicken from last night."

I go ahead, I put that in a little pan,

I warm that up in the oven, Boop bada bink.

While it's in the oven warming up,

I'm like, "I probably should wash my ass."

Then I go ahead and I go take a shower

while that's in the oven 'cause you know

it take a long time to heat stuff up in the oven.

That's about fifteen minutes.

I only need five minutes to wash this ass.

It's a big ass, but not that much ass.

So then I take that showers,

then I got my towel wrapped around me.

I said, "Oop, what's that smell?

(sniffs) "What's that smell?"

That's the chicken from last night that I put in the oven.

But I go ahead and put my mitts on.

You gotta put your oven mitts on.

Mind you I'm in a towel, okay?

Sexy!

And I pull out my 'lil chicken.

Then I go to my grill and say,

"dang I need some vegetables."

So then I go out to the garden, right,

I go into the back into the garden,

I got strawberries back there, I got some kale back there,

I got some chard, you know, celerys.

So then I eat the strawberries,

right the dirt, right out the dirt.

They dirty and I eat them just like that.

Then I break off some of the kale,

break off some of the chard, break off some of the celery,

and then I put that through my little juicer,

and then I drink that, and that's breakfast.

(crowd cheering)

Mostly, I drink tea.

I love it, especially in the morning

if I got like extra time or...

if I'm out of town.

A lot of times I'm in hotel rooms,

so I'll drink turmeric and ginger tea

first thing in the morning.

That's when I'm in a hotel room because

usually there is no refrigerator.

So then you have to call like room service

or you gotta be like,

"Hey guys make sure I got some scrambled eggs,

an avocado, and tomatoes,

and a hamburger patty.

Okay, so,

am I a exerciser?

They ask me this, people ask me this all the time.

"Tiffany, what are you doing to

"maintain that fantastic body."

And I have to tell them the truth.

Not a damn thing.

Look, I like to work out in groups,

when don't nobody be looking at me,

but I most prefer, I perfer to do like...

stairs,

like if I'm in a tall building I like to

go up and down the stairs.

I like to do the baby shark ab challenge.

♪ Dun na da na da na da na da na ♪

♪ dadadada ♪

♪ Baby Shark dudududu. ♪

Typical lunch for me would be like a salad or,

if I'm in a place that's cold, like back east,

I'd want a pastrami sandwich.

Like I want some pastrami, I want lentil bean soup,

or chicken soup.

Today I was craving some fish.

I was really craving some red snapper fried

from Mel's Fish Shack.

I'm known to pop up there often.

That's one of my favorite places, Mel's Fish Shack.

Yeah I Postmates them, sometimes I call the owner

and be like, "My brother coming to

"pick that up at this time, make sure it's hot."

For snacks throughout the day,

I'm eating sometimes Red Vines,

sometimes a sip of 5-hour Energy drink.

I only take like thirty minutes.

It would probably be like just a

(slurps)

Now that's enough, 'cause you know

it don't much for me to go, so when I do do it's like,

if I drank a whole one,

I'd get on my damn nerves.

Almonds,

apples,

oranges,

nectarines,

ooh dried apricots.

That's my go to, if you get the dried apricots right?

You get the bag of dried apricots

and then you pour almonds in there, right?

You pour the almonds in the bag of dried apricots.

Now you shake that up.

Now you got your own special trail mix.

Now this is the best thing in the world.

I don't know why they don't sell

dried apricots and almonds together as one.

They should do that.

You know what?

Imma do it, Imma call it Tiffnicity Mix.

That's a good snack.

I keep that in the car it's always in the glove compartment.

That, and Fruit by the Foot.

That's in case I meet a man.

(ding)

Usually dinner is like, I like steaks.

I love steaks.

(laughs)

I like lobsters.

You know I'm just saying all the expensive stuff right now.

I'm saying all the expensive stuff right now

in case any mans is out there that

want to take me out to dinner.

Also, oh I love to have like

chicken and dumplings for dinner.

Chicken is a main thing I think in my diet.

I sometimes I try to eat lamb, but I just,

I don't have, I'm not that sophisticated.

I just, I can't, it bothers me.

I think about Mary and I say,

"dang she had a little lamb," and then it just goes

into a whole thing and I can't, I can't finish the lamb.

And it's also tastes a little bit like musty armpit to me.

And I know some of y'all are probably saying,

"Tiffany, how do you know what musty armpit taste like?"

I've been, I've dated.

(laughs)

And y'all know I ain't lying.

Y'all know I ain't lying.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my

alcoholic beverage of choice is vodka.

Vodka is my favorite thing to drink,

it is pretty much the only thing I'll drink.

Occasionally, I will dip off into a little wine

or a sangria, which is basically wine with fruit

because I love fruit, and then wine is nothing

but fruit juice that's been sitting for a while.

But I prefer

vodka.

You know people ask me,

"Tiffany, do you ever get hangry?"

(laughs)

Yes.

I turn into a different person when I'm hungry.

It's not my fault, either.

I'm a nice person, but it's the parasites inside of me.

When they are hungry, and they don't eat,

they take over my mind and I'm pretty mean to everybody.

I don't mean to be, though.

They just need to know that, she's hangry.

Give her a snack, give her apricot

with the almond in the middle.

She'll be all right.

Ooh, oh my other favorite snack!

I just thought my other favorite.

Oh I'm sorry.

You know I'm a big foodie, like this my thing okay.

- [Women Offscreen] This is like the best

- Hold up.

I love food.

That's why I became a comedian,

so if I get fat nobody can't say nothing 'cause I'm a comic.

I can give fat ass comedian.

Okay so my other favorite, most favorite snack

I forgot to tell you about, is pickles.

I love a good dill pickle...

the big ones that they sell in the big jars,

and then you get those right?

And you eat the top part off,

you take a bite off the top part,

and then you put a Now Later or a Jolly Rancher

or

a peppermint in the middle.

(shouts)

When I tell you!

Delicious flavors to savor!

So damn good. (gasps)

Okay when I was a kid, not even when I was a kid,

last week I let her get the pickle

and then dip it in Kool-Aid powder.

(gasps)

Now that sounds like diabetes, but imma tell you.

It feels like success.

Who done turn me on?

Y'all turning me on getting me talking

about my favorite things to eat!

Shoot!

You know what else I love?

When the ice cream truck come up.

When the ice cream truck come,

and its like one of them really ghetto ice cream trucks,

and then you get the bag of Doritos,

and you buy a bag of Fritos,

and you mix those two chips together,

and then you tell her put two scoops of chili

inside that bag, and then the cheese on top.

(gasps) And with the jalapenos?

And then you get the little plastic spork.

Not even a fork, it's a spork.

(moans)

On everything.

That's that good life.

That's that good, don't get me started on food.

(moans)

- [Woman Offscreen] All right

Cucumbers.

Cu. Cum. Bers.

Cucumbers and tomatoes, cut up together right?

And then you add a little bit of apple cider vinegar,

some Lawry's seasoning salt, some garlic seasoning salt,

and some, and some black pepper.

Okay what else?

- [Man Offscreen] We're okay - You sure?

'Cause I got more things I can talk about.

When it come to food. (offscreen laughing)

'Cause you know what else I love?

Ain't nothing like some good corn beef and cabbage.

Now I can give you the full recipe,

but we don't got time for that.

They wrappin- They trying to wrap me up.

You know what?

Imma just roll out.

But I make this killer kale salad.

I don't know if you've ever had kale salad before,

but this kale salad that I make.

I can open up my own restaurant.

And no, I don't sprinkle Kool-Aid on it,

but I do use a little bit of Jolly Rancher juice.

I'll teach you how to make that another time.

I'll see y'all later.