OF COURSE, PRESIDENT TRUMP LEFT THE HOSPITAL EARLY LAST NIGHT.

AND HE DID NOT MISS THE OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK

LIKE A HERO, BECAUSE A SHORT TIME LATER HE TWEETED OUT THIS

DRAMATIC, MOVIE-LIKE VIDEO OF HIS RETURN.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> James: THAT'S A LOT OF WORK JUST TO

ANNOUNCE THAT CORONAVIRUS IS OFFICIALLY IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU HAVE TO HAND IT TO THAT

PRODUCTION TEAM.

HE'S A 74-YEAR-OLD SENIOR CITIZEN RETURNING FROM THE

HOSPITAL TO RECEIVE AT-HOME CARE.

AND THEY MADE IT LOOK LIKE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS

DROPPING INTO CENTRAL AMERICA TO FIGHT THE PREDATOR.

( LAUGHTER ) THAT WASN'T THE ONLY VERSION,

THOUGH.

WE ACTUALLY GOT OUR HANDS ON THE VERSION WITH A VOICEOVER AND

IT'S EVEN BETTER.

TAKE A LOOK...

♪ ♪

>> IN A WORLD WHERE A BILLIONAIRE WHO DOESN'T PAY

TAXES CAN GET WORLD CLASS HEALTHCARE WHILE THOUSANDS OF

AMERICANS ARE SICK AND DYING, ONE MAN ENJOYS FREE HELICOPTER

RIDES WITH A MILITARY ESCORT AND WADDLING ACROSS THE WHITE HOUSE

LAWN DOING A VERY SILLY LITTLE WAVE.

AND WHATEVER THAT IS -- SO THAT HE CAN STAND ON A BALCONY LIKE A

LOW RENT DAVIDA AND SALUTE THE SERVICE MEMBERS HE CALLED

LOSERS.

DONALD TRUMP, ONLY IN THEORIES UNTIL NOVEMBER 3rd

( APPLAUSE ) >> James: I WOULD WATCH IT.

I WOULD.

WHO WOULD PLAY CORONAVIRUS IN THAT MOVIE?

WHO WOULD IT BE?

>> I'D LIKE TO SEE WILLIAM DEFO.

>> James: THAT'S A GOOD SHOUT, WILLIAM DEFO, STEVE BUSCEMI.

>> CHRIS DEFAULTS.

>> James: IT COULD BE ANIMATED BECAUSE YOU KNOW THE BALL THEY

SHOW THE CORONAVIRUS WITH THE LITTLE RED SPIKES, THEY COULD

EACH BE A RED ANIMATED SPIKE.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: YES, YES.

>> James: ONE OF THEM'S A BIT CRAZY, AND ONE OF THEM PLAYS BY

THE RULES, THE OTHER ONE'S JUST A MAVERICK.

>> LUIS GUZMAN'S ON THE OTHER SIDE GOING, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS

TALKING ABOUT OVER THERE?

SHUT UP!

WE'VE GOT TO GET MIKE PENCE BEFORE THIS IS OVER!

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: THEN TRUMP POSTED AN

ODD VIDEO WHERE HE RAMBLED ABOUT HIS

LEADERSHIP AND CLAIMED THAT HE MAY ALREADY BE IMMUNE TO THE

VIRUS.

>> AS YOUR LEADER, I HAD TO DO THAT.

I KNEW THERE WAS DANGER TO IT, BUT I HAD TO DO IT.

I STOOD OUT FRONT, I LED.

NOBODY THAT'S APP LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID.

AND I KNOW THERE'S A RISK, THERE'S A DANGER, BUT THAT'S

OKAY, AND NOW I'M BETTER AND MAYBE I'M IMMUNE.

I DON'T KNOW.

>> James: NOBODY THAT'S A LEADER WOULD NOT DO WHAT I DID."

NOBODY WHO SPEAKS ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE WOULD NOT SAY IT

HOW YOU JUST NOT SAID IT.

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT IS GOING ON WITH TRUMP'S

HANDS?

HE LOOKS LIKE HE'S AT SUBWAY AND CAN'T DECIDE BETWEEN A SIX INCH

AND A FOOT-LONG.

UH, I DON'T KNOW -- I GOT DINNER PLANS, BUT I'M KIND OF HUNGRY.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOW TRUMP'S WONDERING IF

HE'S IMMUNE.

YEAH, HE'S IMMUNE, ALRIGHT.

IMMUNE TO FACTS.

( APPLAUSE ) >> YEAH!

( CHEERING ) >> James: THAT'S THE ONE.

THAT'S THE ONE THAT'LL GET HIM.

THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

THAT WILL TAKE HIM DOWN.

I SWEAR, IF THAT WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD HAVE GOTTEN A

STANDING OVATION.

CAN WE GET THAT ON A T-SHIRT?

THAT WOULD BE A GOOD DEAL OF MERCH, THAT.

>> IF THERE WAS AN AUDIENCE HERE, THAT WOULD BE A STANDING

OVATION.

>> James: NO.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Reggie: OH, MAN.

>> James: HE'S IMMUNE, ALL RIGHT -- IMMUNE TO FACTS.

( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )

>> Reggie: GOOD TIMING.

>> James: THE REALIZE JUST SET IN.

( LAUGHTER ) MEAN WHILE THE CORONAVIRUS

BREAKOUT IN THE WHITE HOUSE LED TO A RATHER UNUSUAL SIGHT.

THIS IS A CLEANING TEAM IN HAZMAT SUITS SANITIZING THE

WHITE HOUSE.

I FEEL LIKE THIS IS A JOKE WE WERE MAKING WHEN TRUMP FIRST GOT

ELECTED.

LIKE, "EW, DONALD TRUMP?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SANITIZE THE WHITE HOUSE NOW!"

AND NOW, BECAUSE OF TRUMP, THEY LITERALLY HAVE TO SANITIZE THE

WHITE HOUSE.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S NOT JUST A SAFETY

PRECAUTION, IT'S ALSO HOW TRUMP IS NOW GETTING HIS SPRAY TANS.

( LAUGHTER ) DESPITE EVERYTHING, THE

PRESIDENT CONTINUES UNDAUNTED.

THIS MORNING HE TWEETED, ALL CAPS, "FEELING GREAT!

".

AT LEAST SOMEONE IS.

ALSO THANKS FOR THE UPDATE ON YOUR WIFE'S HEALTH,

MR. PRESIDENT.

( LAUGHTER ) GLAD YOU HAVEN'T MADE THIS WHOLE

THING ALL ABOUT YOU.

FEELING GREAT, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU SAY WHEN YOU'RE

ACTUALLY FEELING GREAT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY WHEN YOU JUST THREW UP IN THE BATHROOM OF

A BAR BUT YOU WANT TO RALLY AND KEEP GOING.

WE SHOULD GET YOU A CAB.

NO, I'M FEELING GREAT!

LET'S DO SOME SHOTS.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT NOT EVERYONE IS BUYING INTO

TRUMP'S OPTIMISTIC TAKE ON THE VIRUS.

FACEBOOK AND TWITTER TODAY BLOCKED A POST FROM THE

PRESIDENT, WHERE HE FALSELY CLAIMED THAT CORONAVIRUS IS LESS

DEADLY THAN THE FLU.

GREAT NEWS, EVERYONE.

WE CAN 100% TRUST FACEBOOK AGAIN.p( LAUGHTER )

TWITTER PUT A TAG ON TRUMP'S TWEET, WHICH SEEMS IMPRESSIVE

UNTIL YOU REMEMBER THAT TWITTER WILL BAN YOU FOR TELLING THE

OFFICIAL CAPTAIN CRUNCH ACCOUNT THAT CRUNCH-BERRIES SUCK.

( LAUGHTER ) NOT GOING TO GO INTO IT, BUT

THEY DO.

( LAUGHTER ) THEY'VE STOPPED TRUMP FROM LYING

ON FACEBOOK AND TWITTER.

NOW TRUMP WILL ONLY BE ABLE TO LIE AT RALLIES, PRESS

CONFERENCES, INTERVIEWS, DEBATES, FUNDRAISING DINNERS,

AND WHEN HE TELLS ERIC THAT HE'S PROUD OF HIM.

( LAUGHTER ) MOVING ON.

A FORMER EMPLOYEE AT A PUBLIC LIBRARY IN AUSTIN, TEXAS, WAS

JUST ACCUSED OF STEALING PRINTER TONER FROM

WORK, AND THEN RESELLING IT ONLINE.

OVER THE COURSE OF 12 YEARS HE MADE, THIS IS TRUE, $1.3

MILLION FROM TONER CARTRIDGES.

THAT'S, LIKE, SIX TONER CARTRIDGES.

( LAUGHTER ) THEY FIRST BECAME SUSPICIOUS

WHEN THE LIBRARIAN ROLLED UP TO CHILDREN'S STORY HOUR IN A

BRAND-NEW LAMBORGHINI.

( LAUGHTER ) HE DID THIS FOR 12 YEARS.

YOU JUST KNOW HE WANTED TO CONFESS A FEW YEARS AGO, BUT HE

WAS LIKE "GUYS, I REALLY NEED TO ADMIT SOMETHI--"

"SHHHH!" "I KNOW, BUT--"

"SHHHH!" "SHHHH!"

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

YOU THIS.

THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND -- WHAT WAS THAT?

>> THAT WAS TIM.

HE WAS GIVING US A PREVIEW BEFORE WE GO INTO IT.

>> James: THIS IS THE LAST BIT OF THE MONO.

THIS IS WHEN YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO PLAY FOR THE

BUMPOUT.

>> YEAH, BASICALLY, RIGHT.

>> James: ANG HANG ON.

IS THAT TRUE?

YOU DECIDE WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO BUMP OUT BY TIM IN A MICROPHONE

GOING -- >> THAT'S A BAD

CHARACTERIZATION.

>> WE'RE KIND OF LIKE GOLDFISH AND WE FORGET, AND TIM'S LIKE,

PLOP, PLOP, DOO, DOO, DOO, AND WE DO IT.

>> James: THAT'S GIVING US SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

>> HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.

>> James: THEY CAN'T ALL BE WINNERS.

IT'S AN ATTEMPT AT COMEDY.

( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE WANTED TO SHOW

YOU THIS.

THERE'S A NEW HARRY POTTER CHOCOLATE WAND FOR SALE AT

STORES IN ENGLAND, BUT MANY SHOPPERS HAVE NOTICED THAT THE

WAND RESEMBLES A-- WELL, SEE FOR YOURSELVES...

>> Reggie: OH, WOW...

>> James: ERECTO DILDORUIM!

( LAUGHTER ) SO FAR IT'S CREATING SOME

CONFUSION.

KIDS ALL OVER ENGLAND ARE LIKE "MUM?

WHERE'S MY WAND?" "HUH?

WAND?

DID YOU HAVE A WAND?" BUT EXPERTS SAY TO BE CAREFUL

WITH THIS THING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO USE IT WITH SOMEONE YOU DON'T KNOW VERY

WELL.

YOU COULD CONTRACT HOGWARTS.

( RIM SHOT ) WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH WHOOPI

GOLDBERG!