PORING OVER THE DAY'S MOST EXQUISITE NEWS FLORA, LOVINGLY

ARRANGING THE BIGGEST STORY BLOSSOMS IN NEAT ROWS, TRIMMING

THE HEDGES INTO ELABORATE DESIGNS, AND PLACING THE NUDE

MARBLE STATUES AT JUST THE RIGHT ANGLES TO CRAFT YOU THE LOUIS

QUATORZE-ESQUE GARDEN OF NEWS THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DRAG OUT A RUSTY, TETANUS-

RIDDLED SWING SET, SOME DERELICT CARNIE GAMES, AND A BUSTED OUT,

UNREGULATED TILT-AWHIRL, TO CREATE THE "SCOOBY-DOO"

SOMETIMES I DON'T GET THE WORD OUT OF MY MOUTH.

WHO CARES.

"QUARANTINE-WHILE!" YOU ONLY GET THAT WITH A LIVE

SHOW.

>> THAT'S RIGHT.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, "A MAN IN TEXAS BUILT A CANDY-SHOOTING

CANNON AND A ROBOT TO KEEP TRICK OR TREATING ALIVE."

BECAUSE AS A PARENT, YOU SHOULD AND WE ACTUALLY HAVE VIDEO OF

THE CANNON AT WORK.

>> ONE, TWO, THREE.

>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT'S JUST FAMILY FUN.

IT'S LIKE I ALWAYS SAY, IT'S NOT HALLOWEEN UNTIL SOMEONE GETS

BLINDED BY MIKE AND IKE SHRAPNEL.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, ARCHAEOLOGISTS IN EGYPT HAVE UNEARTHED AT LEAST

59 ANCIENT COFFINS, ONE CONTAINING THE PRISTINE MUMMY OF

AN ANCIENT PRIEST MORE THAN 2,600 YEARS SINCE THEY WERE

BURIED.

ALSO, A SEALED DOOR WAS UNEARTHED WHERE IT IS EXPECTED

MORE MUMMIES MAY LIE YOU KNOW WHAT?

LET'S MAYBE NOT OPEN THE ANCIENT MUMMY DOOR.

WE'VE ALREADY GOT THE PLAGUE, HOW ABOUT WE SAVE A COUPLE

CURSES FOR 2021?

HUH?

QUARANTINE-WHILE, M.I.T.

RESEARCHERS ARE ABOUT TO START BUILDING A "NUCLEAR FUSION

REACTOR THEY SAY IS "VERY LIKELY TO WORK."

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

YOU'RE GONNA BE MELTING ATOMS TOGETHER AT TENS OF MILLIONS OF

DEGREES TO MAKE THE SAME ENERGY THAT POWERS THE SUN.

SO, WE'RE GONNA NEED YOU TO BE A LITTLE MORE SURE OF THIS THAN MY

COUSIN SEEING IF HE CAN STOMP ON HIS KIDS' TEETER TOTTER TO GET

HIS KEG ONTO THE ROOF.

IN PEER-REVIEWED PAPERS PUBLISHED IN THE JOURNAL OF

PLASMA PHYSICS, OR JUH-PUH-PUH, RESEARCHERS ARGUE THAT IF THE

REACTOR DOES WORK, IT WILL "PRODUCE AS MUCH AS TEN TIMES

THE ENERGY IT CONSUMES."

DON'T NEED IT.

ANYONE CURRENTLY LOCKED DOWN WITH SMALL CHILDREN WILL TELL

YOU WE ALREADY HAVE THAT TECHNOLOGY.

HIS NAME IS BRYAN.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD THAT SOAP OPERAS HAVE HAD

TO ADJUST HOW THEY HANDLE LOVE SCENES DURING THE PANDEMIC.

NOW VIDEOS ARE GOING VIRAL OF ACTORS STRUGGLING NOT TO LAUGH

AS THEY HAVE TO MAKE OUT WITH WHAT ARE CLEARLY MANNEQUINS.

♪ ♪ ♪ GOSH, TRY TO GET TO SECOND BASE

♪ ♪ ♪ GOSH, TRY TO GET TO SECOND BASE

WITH A TACKLING DUMMY!

YOU'RE NOT FOOLING ANYONE, JUST LEAN INTO IT.

"ANGELA... YOU WERE A MANNEQUIN THIS WHOLE TIME?!

IS THAT HOW YOU GOT AMNESIA AND TERM NIGHTS.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH A PERFORMANCE BY FUTURE ISLANDS.

ANGELA, TALK TO ME!