WE TAPED THIS SHOW RIGHT BEFORE THE DEBATE BEGAN.

REG, WILL YOU BE WATCHING AFTER THIS STH.

>> Reggie: THE DEBAIT.

>> THE DE-BAIT.

>> I WILL, FOR SURE.

>> James: WILL YOU.

>> Reggie: YEAH.

>> James: WHAT ARE THE ODDS THAT TRUMP CANCELS OR JUST BAILS

AFTER FIVE MINUTES?

>> I DON'T KNOW, THEY GOT A LOT OF CAMERAS THERE, AND THAT DUDE

LOVERS ATTENTION, RIGHT?

LIKE I COULD MAKE A SCENE AT A BUFFET BUT IF THEY GOT ORANGE

CHICKEN AND PIZZA WHAT AM I GOING TO DO, LEAVE?

>> James: EXACTLY.

(APPLAUSE) 100 PERCENT T IS ALSO THE ONLY

PLACE THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.

>> THOSE TWO FOODS IN THE SAME PLACE.

>> James: ONLY PLACE IT IS ACCEPTABLE.

>> THAT'S IT.

IF THOSE WERE BOTH ON THE MENU AT ANOTHER RESTAURANT YOU WOULD

LEAVE, YOU WOULD TAKE YOUR FAMILY, WOULD YOU CALL YOUR

FRIENDS.

>> James: YOU WOULD BE JUDGED BY EVERYONE AROUND YOU.

ARE YOU HAVING WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH, I'M HAVING PIZZA SOME FRIES, THIS NOODLE DISH,

SOME OF EGG ROLLS, ORANGE CHICKEN AND THEN A LITTLE BIT OF

SASHIMI.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT I WILL SQUEEZE ON TO THAT PLATE?

JUST LIKE A LOT OF JELLO.

>> James: AND THAT'S IT, THAT'S MY PLATE.

>> I DON'T WANT TO WALK BACK FROM A BUFFET UNLESS I HAVE TO

WALK SO SLOWLY.

MY WALK TO THE BUFFET AND AWAY FROM THE BUFFET COULD NOT BE

MORE DIFFERENT.

I STRIDE, I STRIDE TO THE BUFFET LIKE THIS.

[BLEEP] GET IN THERE NOW.

AND I WAKE BACK LIKE THIS.

(LAUGHTER) WHERE ARE THE RIBS?

YOU GOT RUBS?

I'M SURE THEY COVERED ALL OF THIS ON COLBERT ALREADY.

(LAUGHTER) HERE WE GO, LIVE ON KOL BEDDER,

WE OPEN WITH A LOT OF BUFFET STUFF.

TONIGHT'S DEBATE WAS HELD ON THE CAMPUS OF BOAL MONTH UNIVERSITY

IN NASHVILLE TENNESSEE.

THERE WERE SIX TOPICS ANNOUNCED FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE, FIGHTING

COVID, AMERICAN FAMILIES, RACE IN AMERICA, CLIMATE CHANGE,

NATIONAL SECURITY AND LEADERSHIP.

OR AS TRUMP CALLS THAT, HOAX, WHO CARES, FAKE NEWS, HOAX,

NATIONAL SECURITY AND LOCKUP JOE BIDEN.

BUT TONIGHT'S DE BAILT NEW RULES WERE ISSUED FOR AUDIENCE MEMBERS

WITHOUT EXCEPTION, ANY AUDIENCE MEMBER WITHOUT A MASK WOULD BE

THROWN OUT.

WHEN SHE HEARD THAT MELANIA IMMEDIATELY RIPPED HER MASK OFF.

THIS IS NASHVILLE SO OF COURSE THEY PUT IT A DIFFERENT WAY,

THEY SAID ANYBODY NOT WEARING A MASK WILL BE FOSSED OUT ON THAWR

BADONKADONK.

YEAH, OKAY, I CAN'T SAY THE WORD TOSSED, CLEARLY.

YES, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.

THE BADONKADONK JOKE IS FINE, IF ONLY THERE WAS A HOAX TO DISPLAY

THE WORD TOSS, AS YOU MAY RECALL TRUMP'S FAMILY MEMBERS TOOK OFF

THEIR MASK AFTER ARRIVING AT THE FIRST DEBATE.

AND IN THEIR DEFENSE, THEY HAD ARE A GOOD REASON.

THEY WERE TRYING TO GIVE COBIDEN DOE VID.

MEANWHILE EARLIER TODAY PRESIDENT TRUMP WAS TRYING TO

GET OUT AHEAD OF THE DEBATE BY RELEASING THE FOOTAGE OF HIS

UPCOMING INTER-- INTERVIEW WITH LESLEY STAHL.

HE SAID HE WANTED PEOPLE TO SEE HOW UNFAWRLY HE WAS STREET,

WATCH THE INTERRUPTIONS AND ANGER COMPARED MY FLEE FLOWING

AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT ANSWERS.

>> FULL FLOWING AND MAGNIFICENTLY BRILLIANT.

SOUNDS LIKE HE IS DESCRIBING A HORSES MANE IT IS AMAZING SHOW

THAT IS WAS EASY FOR FOR TRUMP TO RELEASE UNAUTHORIZED FOOTAGE

FROM A MAJOR TELEVISION NETWORK THAN TO RELEASE HIS OWN TAXES.

THAT GOT HIM.

>> THAT GOT HIM.

>> APPARENTLY LESLEY STAHL MADE IT CLEAR TO TRUMP THAT SHE

PLANNED TO ASK HIM SOME DIFFICULT QUESTIONS DURING THE

INTERVIEW AND TRUMP WASN'T HAVING ANY OF IT.

>> YOU REALLY READY FOR TOUGH QUESTIONS.

NO.

>> MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE STARTED BY EXPLAINING TO HIM WHAT AN

INTERVIEW IS.

IT IS A SERIES OF TOUGH QUESTIONS.

HE IS THE SITTING PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, LESS THAN TWO

WEEKS AWAY FROM AN ELECTION IN THE MIDDLE OF A WORLDWIDE

PANDEMIC WATCH.

DID HE THINK SHE WAS GOING TO ASK.

TELL ME, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON OF THE SIMPSONS.

>> BUT LESLEY IS PARTLY TO BLAME FOR THIS ONE.

YOU CAN'T START A QUESTION TO DONALD TRUMP WITH ARE YOU READY

FOR, AND NOT END WITH SOME FOOTBALL!

AND ANOTHER POINT IN THE INTERVIEW TRUMP TURNS AND

STARTED TALKING TO MIKE PENCE WHO WAS ALSO THERE IN THE ROOM

WITH HIM.

AND HE ASKED PENCE TO BACK HIM UP ABOUT HIS UNFAIR TREATMENT.

>> MIKE, IS THAT-- YOU KNOW MIKE, RIGHT.

OUR VICE PRESIDENT.

>> I DO.

>> DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD ASK QUESTIONS LIKE THIS AS-- DO YOU

THINK SHE ASKS QUESTIONS LIKE THIS TO JOE.

>> James: THE CRAZY THING IS THAT WAS PROBABLY THE LEAST

CREEPY SCENARIO WHERE TRUMP HAS ASKED SOMEONE, ARE YOU HAVING A

GOOD TIME WATCHING?

(LAUGHTER) ALTHOUGH I LIKE THAT TRUMP

INTRODUCED THE VICE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WITH YOU KNOW

MIKE, OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT.

YOU KNOW, THE GUY, THAT HAS GOT THE FLY ON HIS HEAD.

BUT TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY ONE GETTING OUT THERE BEFORE THE

DEBATE.

PRESIDENT OBAMA WAS ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL FOR JOE BIDEN AND

LAST NIGHT HE SPOKE AT A DRIVE-IN RALLY IN PHILADELPHIA.

OBAMA REALLY PULLED NO PUNCHES DUING THE SMEECH.

HERE HE IS CONDEMNING TRUMP'S BEHAVIOR AS UNACCEPTABLE FOR A

PRESIDENT.

>> THAT'S NOT NORMAL PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A HIGH SCHOOL PRINCIPAL.

WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COACH.

WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IT FROM A COWORKER.

WE WOULDN'T TOLERATE IN OUR OWN FAMILY EXCEPT FOR MAYBE CRAZY

UNCLE SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW,-- .

>> James: HE CALLED IT TRUMP A CRAZY UNCLE.

BUT THE TRUTH IS HE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

IS HE A CRAZY HUSBAND, A CRAZY FATHER AND [BLEEP] HE IS

SOMEONE'S CRAZY SON.

TELL YOU WHAT, OBAMA IS LOOKING GOOD THOUGH, ISN'T HE?

LOOK AT THAT.

I SEE A BRAVE MOVE, NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN PULL OFF WEARING A

BABY BLUE SHIRT GIVING A SPEECH UNDER LIGHT, I WOULD BE BEYOND

PARANOID ABOUT PATCHES.

THAT IS WHY I WEAR THIS JACKET ALL THE TIME, MY ARMPITS ARE

CRYING UNDER HERE.

IF I WORE A BABY BLUE SHIRT AND ONLY A BABY BLUE SHIRT I WOULD

DO THE ENTIRE SPEECH LIKE THIS.

THEN I WOULD HAVE TO DRINK WATER LIKE TRUMP.

SORRY, YOU WERE SAYING? COULD YOU PULL OFF A BABY BLUE FOR A

SPEECH?

>> NO, NO, NO.

I WOULD LOOK LIKE A COLLEGE BASKETBALL COUCH WHO HAD MONEY

ON THE GAME, I WOULD BE SWEATING SO BAD.

AT ONE POINT OBAMA BLASTED TRUMP FOR EMBRACING CONSPIRACY

THEORIES.

>> YOU WILL BE ABLE TO GO ABOUT YOUR LIVES KNOWING THAT THE

PRESIDENT IS NOT GOING TO RETWEET CONSPIRACY THEORIES.

ABOUT SECRET CABALS RUNNING THE WORLD OR THAT NAVY SEALS DIDN'T

ACTUALLY KILL BIN LADEN.

THINK ABOUT THAT.

THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES RETWEETED THAT.

IMAGINE, WHAT, WHAT?

>> I DON'T THINK ANYTHING SUMS UP THE LAST FOUR YEARS BETTER

THAN WHAT?

WHAT?

HE SAID THAT WITH BIDEN WE WOON HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THE

PRESIDENT RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES ABOUT SECRET CABALS

RUNNING THE WORLD.

SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE SOMETHING THE HEAD OF ILLUMINATI WOULD

SAY.

BUT HE MAKES A GOOD POINT.

IT WILL BE SO NICE NOT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE PRESIDENT

RETWEETING CONSPIRACY THEORIES, MAINLY BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THAT

JOE BIDEN HAS NO IDEA WHAT A RETWEET IS.

HE'S LIKE A RETWEET?

OH, I LOVE THEM, THOSE LITTLE MARSHMALLOWS YOU GET AT EASTER,

THE RETWEET, OH, IF I HAVE ONE, I HAVE FIVE.

NOW IF ALL OF THIS HAS YOU UNBELIEVABLY STRESSED OUT,

TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THE UPCOMING ELECTION, DON'T WORRY THERE WAS

A NEW WELLNESS TREND THAT MAYBE FOR YOU, TO RELIEVE TENSION MORE

AND MORE PEOPLE, THIS IS TRUE, HAVE STARTED HUGGING COWS.

SERIOUSLY, APPARENTLY HUGGING A COW RELEASES A BONDING HORMONE

BY RELIEVES STRESS.

I MEAN IT RELIEVES YOUR STRESS.

THE COW IS LIKE GET THIS PERSON OFF ME.

WEIRDER, THE COWS ARE A GREAT SOURCE OF WELLNESS.

I ACTUALLY PREFER THE MEDIUM WELLNESS.

I'M KIDDING, I'M KIDDING, KIDDING, I'M A VEGAN.

IN TERMS OF WELLNESS TRENDS, YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT GOOP, THIS IS

MOOP.

BY GO WHENNETTE COW-LTR OW.

MOOP BY ITSELF, BARELY WORKS.

I MIGHT HAVE SUAVED IT WITH GWYNETH COW-TTROA, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT TO SAY, THAT IS THE END OF THE MONOLOGUE.