I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT, AND WE ARE LIVE.

WHERE'S THE THING?

DOES IT SAY LIVE ANYWHERE?

LIVE FOLLOWING THE FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE OF 2020.

TONIGHT WAS DONALD TRUMP'S VERY LAST CHANCE TO MAKE HIS CLOSING

ARGUMENT.

PLEASE IGNORE WHAT HE'S LIKE AND EVERYTHING HE'S EVER DONE.

AND TONIGHT I'LL TELL YOU IF HE PULLED IT OFF IN TONIGHT'S

BRAND-NEW LAST EVER SETTING THE 2020 PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE.

OLD MAN SLAP TWO.

SLAP HARDER.LLED IT OFF IN THE PURSUIT TO MUTE!

>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. B BLAH, BLAH.

( CRASHING SOUNDS ) BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH -- ( CRASHING SOUNDS )

>> Stephen: HE'S FINE.

NOW, HAVING SEEN TONIGHT'S DEBATE, THERE ARE --

>> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

>> Stephen: NO!

BACK, BACK!

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP HIM OFF

THE FURNITURE.

TONIGHT HAD ITS UPS AND DOWNS, BUT THE HIGHLIGHT FOR ME WAS

THAT WE'LL NEVER HAVE TO WATCH DONALD TRUMP DEBATE EVER AGAIN.

COUNTING THE 2016 REPUBLICAN TONI

PRIMARY, WE'VE WATCHED HIM DO THAT 16 TIMES.

IT'S EXCRUCIATING!

IT'S LIKE DENTAL SURGERY AND TONIGHT WAS LIKE GETTING OUR

LAST WISDOM TOOTH TAKEN OUT.

YES, IT HURT.

AND YES WE CAN STILL TASTE THE BLOOD IN OUR MOUTHS.

THIS IS ALSO THE LAST CHANCE FOR TRUMP TO BE SEEN BY MILLIONS OF

EYEBALLS FOR FREE, AND THAT'S IMPORTANT, BECAUSE HE'S HURTING

FOR CASH.

IT'S DRYING UP.

IN RECENT WEEKS, HIS CAMPAIGN HAS PULLED MILLIONS OF DOLLARS

IN PLANNED TELEVISION ADS AIMED AT VOTERS IN MIDWESTERN STATES

INCLUDING MICHIGAN, WISCONSIN, MINNESOTA, OHIO, AND IOWA.

AFTER TONIGHT, HIS BEST HOPE FOR FREE ADVERTISING IS STANDING ON

A STREET CORNER WITH ONE OF THOSE FLIPPY ARROWS.

AND LEAD UP TO THE DEBATE, THE PRESIDENT'S ADVISORS PLEADED

WITH HIM TO BE SOFTER.

SOFT HE CAN.

DO I'VE SEEN THE MAN IN TENNIS SHORTS.

BUT DID IT HELP?

TONIGHT'S MODERATOR KRISTEN WELKER DID A GREAT JOB.

SHE STARTED BY REMINDING EVERYONE OF THE RULES.

>> AT THE BEGINNING OF EACH SECTION, EACH CANDIDATE WILL

HAVE TWO MINUTES UNINTERRUPTED TO ANSWER MY FIRST QUESTION.

THE DEBATE COMMISSION WILL THEN TURN ON THEIR MICROPHONE ONLY

WHEN IT IS THEIR TURN TO ANSWER.

AND THE COMMISSION WILL TURN IT OFF EXACTLY WHEN THE TWO MINUTES

HAVE EXPIRED.

ON BEHALF OF THE VOTERS, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU TO PLEASE SPEAK

ONE AT A TIME -- >> Stephen: OKAY.

WHY ARE WE PRETENDING THIS IS

FOR BOTH OF THEM?

THE RULE ONLY APPLIES TO ONE GUY.

THIS IS LIKE MAYOR McCHEESE HOLDING A TOWN HALL AND STARTING

OUTBY SAYING, REMEMBER, NOBODY BURGLE ANY HAMBURGERS, PLEASE.

SHE KEPT THEM ON SUBJECT, ADMIRABLY.

THE FIRST SUBJECT WAS TRUMP'S CATASTROPHIC COVID RESPONSE,

WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS A SUBJECT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TOUCH, WHICH

IS WHY, EARLIER THIS WEEK, HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER SENT A LETTER

TO THE DEBATE COMMISSION COMPLAINING ABOUT THE TOPICS FOR

NOT BEING FOCUSED MORE ON FOREIGN POLICY.

OH, I HAVE A NON-COVID QUESTION ON FOREIGN POLICY -- HOW COME

OTHER COUNTRIES WON'T LET US GO THERE ANYMORE?

TRUMP SAYS THAT WE'RE GOING TO GET A VACCINE AND HE'LL GIVE IT

TO EVERYONE FASTER THAN ANY EXPERTS HAVE PREDICTED.

>> I THINK MY TIMELINE IS GOING TO BE MORE ACCURATE.

I DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE COUNTING ON THE MILITARY THE WAY

THAT I DO, BUT WE HAVE OUR GENERALS LINED UP, ONE IN

PARTICULAR THAT'S THE HEAD OF LOGISTICS --

>> Stephen: THAT'S ONE PARTICULAR GENERAL, HE'S VERY

GOOD AT LOGISTICS.

ALSO, GREAT AT CAR INSURANCE,ER AND HE KNOWS SHAQ, WHO I WILL

HAVE -- AND YES I DIDN'T MAKE A MISTAKE -- I DON'T KNOW MAKE A

MISTAKE.

IT'S A LIVE SHOW.

HOW COULD I MAKE A MISTAKE?

WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS SHAQ, A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE, WILL DROP

THE VACCINE INTO YOUR VEINS.

BUT WHAT I MEANT TO SAY -- WE'RE LIVE, RIGHT.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: THE PRESIDENT HAD NUMBERS EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T MAKE

SENSE.

>> 99.9 OF YOUNG PEOPLE RECOVER.

>> Stephen: WHY DO YOU KEEP BRAGGING ABOUT HOW YOUNG PEOPLE

ARE SAFE?

YOU KNOW OLD PEOPLE THERE THE ONES THAT VOTE, RIGHT?

GRANNY, I NEED YOU TO VOTE FOR ME LIKE IT'S THE LAST THING YOU

WILL EVER DO, WHICH, FUN FACT, IT MIGHT BE.

TRUMP SAID A LOT OF LIES TONIGHT INCLUDING ABOUT THE CITY I'M IN

RIGHT NOW.

>> IF YOU GO AND LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENED TO NEW YORK, IT'S A

GHOST TOWN.

IT'S A GHOST TOWN.

>> Stephen: MR. PRESIDENT, WHEN YOU COME TO NEW YORK, THOSE

AREN'T GHOSTS ON THE STREET, THOSE ARE PEOPLE BOOOOOOING YOU!

TRUMP TALKED ABOUT THE NUMBER ONE SCOURGE OF THE PANDEMIC,

DINING RESTRICTIONS.

>> WHEN YOU TALK ABOUT PEOPL PLEXIGLASS, THESE ARE

RESTAURANTS THAT ARE DYING.

PUTTING UP PLEXIGLASS IS UNBELIEVABLY EXPENSIVE.

YOU'RE GOING TO SIT THERE IN A CUBICLE WRAPPED AROUND IN

PLASTIC.

>> Stephen: TRUMP DOESN'T WANT TO BE WRAPPED IN PLASTIC.

IT KILLS A FEELING AND FIT BREAKS YOU WIND UP WITH AN ERIC.

THE SUBJECT TURNED TO FOREIGN ELECTION INTERFERENCE.

AND WHEN BIDEN ANSWERED HE CHOSE HIS WORDS CAREFULLY.

>> WE ARE IN A SITUATION WHERE WE HAVE FOREIGN COMPANIES --

COUNTRIES TRYING TO INTERFERE IN THE OUTCOME OF OUR ELECTION.

HIS OWN NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR TOLD THEM THAT WHAT IS

HAPPENING WITH HIS BUDDY -- WELL, I SHOULDN'T -- WELL, I

WILL -- HIS BUDDY, RUDY GIULIANI >> Stephen: INCIDENTALLY, I

SHOULDN'T -- I WILL -- IS ALSO WHAT RUDY SAID TO HIMSELF IN

THAT HOTEL ROOM.

REGARDING PERSONAL TAXES, BIDEN DISTINGUISHED HIMSELF FROM

TRUMP.

>> I RELEASED ALL OF MY TAX RETURNS, 22 YEARS, GO LOOK ATSA

THEM.

>> Stephen: MAYBE LATER.

I MEAN, I HATE WATCHING TRUMP, BUT NOT ENOUGH TO READ TWO

DECADES OF ITEMIZED AMTRAK TICKETS.

WHEN TRUMP TRIED TO PAINT BIDEN AS CORRUPT THE B.P. HIT BACK.

>> RELEASE YOUR TAX RETURN AND TALK ABOUT CORRUPTION.

>> Stephen: YOU JUST GOT AUDIT, JACK!

PUT THAT IN YOUR W2 AND DEDUCT IT!

COME ON!

( LAUGHTER ) PUT THALSO SAID -- OH, BOY.

TRUMP ALSO SAID THAT THE INFORMATION ABOUT HIS TAX

RETURNS WAS MISLEADING.

>> I PRE-PAID MY TAX.

TENS -- OVER THE LAST NUMBER OF YEARS, TENS OF MILLIONS OF

DOLLARS I PRE-PAID.

>> Stephen: I ALSO PRE-PAID STORMY DANIELS TO SHUT UP MONTHS

BEFORE SHE SPANKED ME.

IT'S AN INSTALLMENT PLAN.

TRUMP TRIED TO DEFEND HIS PERSONAL FINANCES.

>> I HAVE MANY BANK ACCOUNTS AND THEY'RE ALL LISTED AND THEY'RE

ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I MEAN, I WAS A BUSINESS MAN DOING BUSINESS.

>> Stephen: TRUMP SOUNDS LIKE THREE KIDS STACKED IN A TRENCH

COAT PRETENDING TO BE AN ADULT.

I'M LIKE A BUSINESS MAN DOING BUSINESS.

I LOVE OFFICE AND EAT TAXES WITH MY COFFEE.

THREE TICKETS FOR THE BOOBIE MOVIE, PLEASE.

AND IN RESPONSE TO TRUMP'S ATTACKS ON BIDEN'S FAMILY, IT

FINALLY HAPPENED.

>> THERE'S A REASON WHY HE'S BRINGING UP ALL THIS MALARKEY.

>> Stephen: BOOM!

THE FIRST MALARKEY OF THE NIGHT!

HOLD ON, LET'S JUST CHECK MY PUNCH CARD HERE.

I'VE GOT THE FREQUENT MALARKEY CARD RIGHT THERE.

THAT'S NUMBER ONE.

FIVE MORE.

AND I GET A FREE SUB.

BIDEN UNVEILED SOME BIG NEWS ABOUT HEALTHCARE.

>> WHAT I'M GOING TO DO IS PASS ObamaCare WITH A PUBLIC OPTION

AND BECOME BIDENCARE.

>> Stephen: YES, BIDENCARE, JUST LIKE ObamaCare, BUT I'M

GOING TO GUESS WAY BETTERe DENTAL.

WELKER ASKED TRUMP WHAT HE WANTED TO HAVE TO REPLACE

ObamaCare, AND HERE WAS HIS ANSWER.

>> SO I'D LIKE TO TERMINATE ObamaCare, COME UP WITH A

BRAND-NEW BEAUTIFUL HEALTHCARE.

>> Stephen: HOLD ON, HOLD ON.

THE DETAILS -- BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHCARE, AND THAT'S ALL,

BRAND-NE OKAY, THANK YOU.

TRUMP TRIED TO CALL BIDEN'S BLUE-COLLAR ROOTS IN SCRANTON,

PENNSYLVANIA INTO QUESTION.

>> HE DOESN'T COME FROM SCRANTON.

>> Stephen: DID HE JUST SHOW ME THE LONG FORM BIRTH

CERTIFICATE JOE BIDEN?

WHERE DO YOU THINK HE'S FROM, NAIROBI'S BIG IRISH CATHOLIC

NEIGHBORHOOD?

THEN TURNED TO THE TRAGEDY OF THE CHILDREN TRUMP T TRUMP

ADMINISTRATION TOOK FROM THE PARENTS AT THE SOUTHERN BORDER.

>> THE UNITED STATES CAN'T LOCATE THE PARENTS OF MORE THAN

500 CHILDREN.

HOW WILL THEY BE REUNITED.

>> WE'RE WORKING ON IT.

WE'RE TRYING VERY HARD.

>> Stephen: WELL DONE, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU MANAGED TO SUMMON ALL URGENCY AND RESOLVE OF A GUY

LOOKING UNDER THE COUCH FOR THE TV REMOTE.

TRUMP THEN DID AN INSANE THING AND TRIED TO DEFEND THE BORDER

DETENTION CENTERS FOR KIDS.

>> THEY ARE SO WELL TAKEN CARE OF, THEY'RE IN FACILITIES THAT

WERE SO CLEAN -- >> Stephen: YES, THEY STOLE

THE CHILDREN, BUT THE WAREHOUSE THEY STORE THEM IN IS SO CLEAN

YOU COULD EAT OFF THE FLOOR, WHICH THEY DO, 'CAUSE THERE'S NO

FURNITURE.

TRUMP SEEMED TO GET SPOOKED AS THE NIGHT WENT ON, AND STARTED

PLAYING SOME OF THE CLASSICS, LIKE IMMIGRANTS ARE SCARY.

>> CATCH AND RELEASE IS A DISASTER.

A MURDERER WOULD COME IN, A RAPIST WOULD COME IN, A VERY BAD

PERSON WOULD COME IN -- >> Stephen: UH-HUH, IMMIGRANTS

ARE MURDERERS AND RAPISTS.

THTRUMP'S CLOSING WITH THE LINE OPENED THE ENTIRE NIGHTMARE WITH

IT.

JIM, LET'S COMPLETE THE ENTIRE CIRCLE.

GOODBYE SIR?

SEE YOU AT THE TRIBUNALS!