Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, last night

嗯，夥計們，昨晚

President Trump held a press conference

特朗普總統召開新聞發佈會

and this one was out there, even for him.

而這個是在外面，甚至對他來說。

I mean, when Time-Life releases a box set

我的意思是，當Time-Life發佈盒裝的時候

of Trump's craziest moments, this will be on it.

特朗普最瘋狂的時刻，這將是上。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Trump was asked to commit

特朗普被要求承諾

to a peaceful transition of power,

以實現權力的和平過渡。

if he loses the election, and this was his response.

如果他輸了選舉，這是他的迴應。

-Well, we're gonna have to see what happens.

-我們得看看會發生什麼事

You know that I've been complaining very strongly

你知道我一直在強烈抱怨

about the ballots and the ballots are a disaster.

關於選票，選票是一場災難。

We wanna have -- Get rid of the ballots

我們想要... ...取消選票

and you'll have a very transf-- we'll have very peaceful --

你會有一個非常transfer -- 我們會有非常和平的 --

There won't be a transfer, frankly,

坦白說，不會有轉會的。

[ Laughter ] There'll be a continuation.

[笑]會有一個延續。

-Whoa.

-哇 哇

-So, if Trump loses the election,

-所以，如果特朗普輸了選舉，

getting him out of the White House

讓他離開白宮

will be like trying to get a bird out of your living room.

會像試圖讓一隻鳥 從你的客廳。

[ Laughter ] It's like, "Oh...no.

[笑] 這就像，"哦... ... 不。

I got him. Hold on! Okay.

我抓到他了等一下！好吧，我知道了

Nobody move! He's -- He's behind the curtain!

誰也不許動！他... 他在幕後！

Nobody move! Shut the door! Shut the door!

誰也不許動！把門關上！關門！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

I'm getting the feeling this year is gonna end

我有種感覺，今年要結束了。

with Trump locking himself in the Oval Office

特朗普把自己鎖在橢圓形辦公室裡。

while yelling in the phone...

一邊在電話裡大喊大叫...

[ As Trump ] Space Force, attack!

太空部隊，攻擊！

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Even with five extra people, it sounds fantastic.

即使多了五個人，聽起來也很不錯。

I will take it.

我會接受它。

[ Applause ] I love you. I love you.

[掌聲] 我愛你。我愛你，我愛你。

Safe, distanced,

安全，疏遠。

distanced, socially distanced, everyone is safe, but, man,

疏遠了，社交上的疏遠，大家都很安全，但是，人。

it feels good.

這感覺很好。

It feels great, actually.

其實，感覺很好。

[ Cheering, laughter, and applause ]

[歡呼聲，笑聲，和掌聲]

Ah! I'm so happy right now. I just wanna --

啊，我現在太高興了。我只是想...

Let's roll the credits. The show's over.

讓我們滾動字幕。表演結束了

I'm happy.

我很高興。

Bye, everybody. Take care.

再見，大家。照顧好自己

♪♪

♪♪

Ah!

啊！

The peaceful transfer of power is

權力的和平轉移是

one of the pillars of our democracy

民主支柱之一

and Trump treats it like a brunch he might bail on.

而特朗普卻把它當做是他可能會放棄的早午餐。

[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] Game time decision.

[笑] [作為特朗普] 遊戲時間的決定。

I have to see how my day's going.

我得看看我今天過得怎麼樣。

I'm not sure. [ Laughter ]

我不確定。[笑聲]

I do love a little eggs Benny, though.

不過，我倒是很喜歡小雞蛋班尼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After Trump's comments,

在特朗普的言論之後。

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tried

參議院多數黨領袖米奇-麥康奈爾試圖

to assure people that things would be okay.

向人們保證，事情會好起來的。

He tweeted...

他在推特上說...

And, if recent news has taught us anything,

而且，如果說最近的新聞給了我們什麼啟示的話。

it's that you can always count

就是你可以隨時指望

on Mitch McConnell to keep his word.

米奇-麥康奈爾要信守承諾。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Ooh!

-哦！

[ Cheering and applause ]

[歡呼和掌聲]

-Seriously, even though the Republicans were like,

-說真的，儘管共和黨人就像，

"Mitch, please."

"米奇，求你了。"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Later in the press conference,

後來在新聞發佈會上。

a reporter asked Trump about Meghan Markle

記者問特朗普關於梅根-馬克爾的問題。

basically supporting Joe Biden,

基本上支持喬-拜登。

and this is what he had to say about her.

而這是他對她的評價。

-I'm not a fan of hers.

-我不是她的粉絲。

And she probably has heard that.

她可能也聽說過。

But I wish a lot of luck

但我希望能有很多好運

to Harry

至哈利

-Oh! -'cause he's gonna need it.

-因為他需要它。

[ Laughter ] -Oh, God.

哦，上帝。

-Wow!

-哇！

Who had Meghan Markle on their random

誰有梅根-馬克爾在他們的隨機

Trump Insults Bingo card, anyone?

特朗普侮辱賓果卡，有人嗎？

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

If you're keeping track, Meghan Markle's got beef

如果你一直在跟蹤，梅根-馬克爾的牛肉。

with the queen of England

與英國女王

and the president of the United States.

和美國總統。

She's just one Jay-Z fight away

她只差一場Jay-Z的比賽了

from taking on the entire Illuminati.

從對付整個光明會。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

After that, Trump was answering a question

之後，特朗普在回答一個問題的時候

about the coronavirus vaccine

關於冠狀病毒疫苗

when he used a made-up excuse to get out of there.

當他用一個編造的藉口離開那裡的時候。

[ Laughing ] Watch this.

[笑] 看這個。

-Ultimately, the White House has

-最後，白宮已經

to approve it and...

準許它和...

maybe we will and maybe we won't,

也許我們會，也許我們不會。

but we'll be taking a look. -Mr. President.

但我們會去看看的-總統先生

-I have to leave for an emergency phone call.

-我得去打一個緊急電話。

[ Laughter ] I'm gonna let Scott and Larry finish up.

我要讓斯科特和拉里完成。

-That's right. That's right. Trump was like...

-是的，沒錯是的，是的。特朗普就像...

[ As Trump ] Uh, yeah, what's the emergency, what, what?

嗯，是啊，什麼是緊急情況，什麼，什麼？

Everything I just said at this press conference?

我剛才在新聞發佈會上說的一切？

Okay, yeah, bye.

好吧，是的，再見。

Hey, listen to this. Earlier today, it was announced

嘿，聽聽這個。今天早些時候，它被宣佈

that Russian President Vladimir Putin

俄羅斯總統普京

was nominated for the [ Laughing ] Nobel Peace Prize.

被提名為【笑】諾貝爾和平獎。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Yep. Putin is thrilled,

是啊普京很激動。

while everyone else in the category is poisoned.

而其他類別的人都中毒了。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

First Trump, then Putin?

先是特朗普，後是普京？

Right now, Kim Jong-un is standing

現在，金正恩正站在...

by a tin can on a string like, "Any second now...

被一個鐵罐子綁在繩子上，就像 "現在隨時都有可能...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Any second now."

現在任何一秒都可以。"

Well, guys, Halloween is just around the corner,

好了，夥計們，萬聖節就要到了。

but, this week, the CDC announced

但是，本週，疾控中心宣佈

that no one should have Halloween parties.

沒有人應該有萬聖節派對。

-[ Groaning ] -Yeah. It's a huge bummer.

-是的，這是個巨大的打擊。

It almost feels like the CDC knows it, too.

幾乎感覺疾控中心也知道。

I mean, check out the PSA that they released today.

我是說，看看他們今天發佈的公益廣告。

-We at the CDC are here to guide you through the COVID pandemic,

-我們疾控中心的人在這裡指導你應對COVID大流行。

which is why we're announcing, come October...

這就是為什麼我們要宣佈，10月... ...

...should take place. None.

...應該發生。無。

Not even our own office Halloween party,

甚至連我們自己的辦公室萬聖節派對都沒有。

which is downright sick.

這是徹頭徹尾的病。

I mean, this party is off. the. hook.

我的意思是，這個黨是關閉。 鉤。

We've got fog.

我們已經得到了霧。

We've got a DJ.

我們有一個DJ。

We've got Anthony Fauci as Batman,

我們請來了安東尼-福齊扮演蝙蝠俠。

entering on a zip line?

溜索上進入？

It was so 2019.

這是如此2019年。

It was a different time.

那是一個不同的時代。

And, this fall, we all have a collective responsibility

而且，這個秋天，我們都有集體的責任。

to not recreate last year.

以不重現去年。

No matter how lit. it. was.

不管有多亮，它。

[ Laughter ] This party is legendary.

[笑]這個黨是傳奇。

Last year, Brenda from Genetics

去年，遺傳學的Brenda。

dressed as Streptococcus pneumoniae.

扮成肺炎鏈球菌。

Take that, Heidi Klum!

拿著，海蒂-克拉姆！

You can't control this banger,

你無法控制這個流浪漢。

but you can control

但你可以控制

the virus.

的病毒。

So just be safe. Stay inside.

所以，只要注意安全。呆在裡面。

Rewatch "Tiger King."

重看 "虎王"。

I mean, okay.

我的意思是，好吧。

Can you imagine the costumes, though?

不過你能想象到服裝嗎？

Bret in Lab Safety was gonna bring an actual tiger.

實驗室安全部的Bret要帶一隻真正的老虎來.

-[ Growl ] -And you think we couldn't top last year?

-你認為我們無法超越去年？

Tell that to our hologram Joseph Walter Mountin.

告訴我們的全息圖約瑟夫-沃爾特-蒙廷。

He founded the CDC, bitch!

他創立了疾控中心，婊子！

God, I'm gonna miss this party. God!

天啊，我要錯過這個聚會了。天啊！

CDC.

疾控中心：

Wear your mask.

戴上你的面具。

[ Laughter and applause ]

[笑聲和掌聲]

-Unfortunately, Halloween isn't the only celebration

-不幸的是，萬聖節並不是唯一的慶祝活動。

that's being affected by the pandemic.

的影響，被大流行。

It looks like New Year's Eve is gonna be different, too.

看來除夕夜也會有所不同。

-For the first time in 114 years,

-114年來第一次。

there's gonna be no crowd, no revelers, allowed

沒有人群，沒有狂歡者，允許有

in Times Square. -[ Sighs heavily ]

在時代廣場。-[嘆氣重重]

-Organizers announcing

-組織者宣佈

a new virtually enhanced event

一個新的虛擬增強的事件

with live components that incorporate social distancing.

與活的成分，融入了社交的距離。

-Yeah. And, if you're upset you can't go

-是的而且，如果你不高興，你不能去。

to Times Square on New Year's Eve,

到時代廣場的除夕夜。

then I'm pretty sure you've never been

那麼我敢肯定，你從來沒有去過。

to Times Square on New Year's Eve.

到時代廣場的除夕夜。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Virtual, not virtual.

虛，不虛。

Live, pretaped.

現場，預錄。

It doesn't matter.

這不重要

Just get us the hell out of 2020, please!

請讓我們離開2020年吧！

[ Laughter and applause ] Carson, just say it!

[笑聲和掌聲] 卡森，只是說！

Just say it now, and we'll all agree it's New Year's.

只要現在說出來，我們都會同意過年了。

Meanwhile, Planet Fitness is like, "Damn,

同時，Planet Fitness就像 "該死的"。

what the hell are we gonna do with 10,000 purple top hats?"

我們拿一萬頂紫色頂帽做什麼？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Clap ]

[拍手]

Well, this is fun.

嗯，這很有趣。

The company that makes emojis

製作表情符號的公司

just announced 217 new ones.

剛剛公佈的217個新。

Most of them are variations on existing emojis,

它們大多是現有表情符號的變體。

but some of them are pretty surprising.

但其中一些是非常令人驚訝的。

Here, take a look.

來，看一看。

First one is called...

第一個叫...

[ Laughter ] This next one is called...

[笑] 下一個叫... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Slaps leg ]

[拍打腿]

Takis. -Yeah.

塔基斯-是的

-This one is called...

-這個叫...

That's fun.

這很有趣。

And, finally, this new emoji is called...

最後，這個新的表情符號叫... And, finally, this new emoji is called...

-Oh! -There you go.

-哦，給你。

[ Smattering of applause ] And now,

[零星的掌聲] 而現在。

quickly changing pace a little, here's a new segment, called

迅速改變了一點節奏，這裡有一個新的部分，叫作

"How Was That Legal Until Now??"

"怎麼到現在才合法？"

♪♪

♪♪

-The MTA today officially changed its rules to prohibit

-今天，MTA正式改變了規則，以禁止

defecating on subways and buses.

在地鐵和公車上大小便；

[ Laughter ] ♪♪

[笑聲]

-Whoa! Wait.

-哇！等一下

[ Laughter ] Wait.

[笑]等待。

Wait, wait.

等待，等待。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Wait.

等一下

[ Laughter ] Wait.

[笑]等待。

You mean, all this time...

你是說，這段時間...

[ Laughter ] -I know. I can't.

[笑] 我知道。我知道，我不能。

Just ruined my weekend.

只是毀了我的週末。

I mean, just ruined it.

我的意思是，只是毀了它。

Wow!

哇！

And, finally, here's some exciting...

最後，這裡有一些令人興奮的... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

news about a 96-year-old woman in Pennsylvania.

賓夕法尼亞州一位96歲老太太的新聞。

Watch this.

看這個。

-A 96-year-old.

-一位96歲的老人。

Meet Sarah in Pittsburgh, who is still one of the best

在匹茲堡見到莎拉，她仍然是最好的之一。

when it comes to knocking down pins.

當談到擊倒銷。

She became the first at her local bowling alley

她成了當地保齡球館的第一人。

to bowl a perfect game.

來打一場完美的比賽。

-That's amazing.

-太神奇了

When most 96-year-olds bowl, they go down the alley

大多數96歲的老人打保齡球時，都會走到巷子裡去。

with the ball. [ Laughter ]

與球。[笑聲]