>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO MR. JON BATISTE.

I'M LOOKING AT HIM RIGHT NOW.

WHY SHOULDN'T YOU GET A CHANCE TO?

IT'S A PLEASANT SIGHT.

>> Jon: WHAT'S THE WORD, STEPHEN?

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

>> Stephen: I DON'T UNDERSTAND, AFTER A WEEK LIKE

THIS, YOU STILL LOOK FRESH AND I FEEL LIKE A WET SACK OF WALNUTS.

>> Jon: YEAH, I'M FEELING IT.

THAT WAS A LATE ONE, AND IT WAS A HARD ONE TO WATCH, IN MANY

RESPECTS, BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

>> Stephen: ABSOLUTELY.

SO MUCH IS HARD TO WATCH RIGHT NOW.

>> Jon: EVERYTHING IS HARD TO WATCH.

AND I HOPE THAT IT WILL BE OVER SOON.

>> Stephen: I WILL TELL YOU THIS, MY FRIEND.

ON NOVEMBER 3, SOMETHING IS COMING TO AN END.

>> Jon: THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT IS A TRUE STATEMENT.

>> Stephen: SOMETHING IS COMING TO AN END ON NOVEMBER 3,

THE QUESTION PENNING ON THE DECISION THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

MAKE.

I HOPE THEY MAKE THE RIGHT ONE.

>> Jon: WE KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT ONE IS.

WE NEED TO KEEP PUSHING TOWARD THAT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT.

JON, HAVE YOU GOT ANY MUSIC COMING OUT OF YOUR FINGERS?

>> Jon: ALWAYS IN THE MIND AND THE HEART AND COMING THROUGH THE

FINGERS.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

>> Stephen: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOU KNOW I SPEND A

LOT OF TIME SELECTING THE FINEST TOPICAL

STERLING SILVER SERVING SPOONS THE BIGGEST NEWS FONDUE POTS,

AND MONOGRAMMED WASHCLOTHS, TO CAREFULLY CURATE THE

WILLIAMS-SONOMA WEDDING REGISTRY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.

BUT, SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES I LIKE TO DIG THROUGH MY JUNK DRAWER

AND PULL OUT A HALF-USED BOX OF STRAWS, TWO PACKETS OF EXPIRED

GATORADE POWDER, AND A PROMOTIONAL KEY CHAIN TO CREATE

THE HIGH SCHOOL MATHLETES' SECRET SANTA GIFT EXCHANGE OF

NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, RUMORS CONTINUE TO CIRCULATE AROUND THE

NEW AMAZON STUDIOS "LORD OF THE RINGS" SERIES.

AND THE LATEST IS THAT "AMAZON PLANS TO INCLUDE NUDE SCENES IN

THE SHOW."

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

THE BAD NEWS: IT'S NOT WHO YOU WANT IT TO BE.

THEY HAVE A CAVE TROLL.

THE RUMOR GOT STARTED WHEN INTERNET SLEUTHS FOUND SOME

CASTING CALLS FOR THE SHOW SAYING THAT THE FILMMAKERS "NEED

NUDE PEOPLE BASED IN AUCKLAND."

OKAY, THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE THEY NEED ACTORS WHO ARE WILLING

TO BE NUDE, IT SOUNDS LIKE THEY WANT PEOPLE WHO ARE CURRENTLY

NUDE.

SO, TOUGH BREAK FOR ALL YOU CLOTHED ACTORS OUT THERE, BUT

GREAT NEWS FOR CREEPY PAUL.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, WE HERE AT "MEANWHILE INTERACTIVE SYNERGY

AND DISRUPTION CONSULTANCY PARTNERS L.L.C." SOMETIMES

ACQUIRE SO MANY FOOD RELATED STORIES, WE COLLECT THEM IN OUR

QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB, SUB SEGMENT: CUISINE-WHILE.

CUISINE-WHILE, BECAUSE OF THE PANDEMIC, "SOME RESTAURANTS ARE

INTRODUCING TIME LIMITS."

THAT'LL MAKE FOR A ROMANTIC FIRST DATE.

"HEY, I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME, I COULD STARE INTO YOUR EYES

FOREVER, BUT, DO YOU MIND CHUGGING YOUR LOBSTER BISQUE?

THE WAITER'S GIVIN' ME THE STINK-EYE."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, FANS OF KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE HAVE BEEN

SCANDALIZED BECAUSE APPARENTLY "KRAFT'S NEWEST AD CAMPAIGN HAS

A RISQUEÉ TAGLINE: SEND NOODS."

I SEE WHAT THEY'RE DOING THERE.

LET'S HOPE IT'S MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN HORMEL'S RUMP ROAST

CAMPAIGN, EAT BUTT.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, HERE'S A THING

THAT EXISTS: IT'S "THE WORLD'S FIRST APP-CONTROLLED MALE

CHASTITY DEVICE," PERFECT FOR ANYONE WHO'S EVER WANTED TO

SAY: "ALEXA, TURN OFF MY HUSBAND."

THE CELLMATE CHASTITY LOCK WORKS BY "ALLOWING A TRUSTED PARTNER

TO REMOTELY LOCK AND UNLOCK THE CHAMBER OVER BLUETOOTH USING A

MOBILE APP."

'CAUSE NOTHING GETS YOU IN THE MOOD LIKE TWO FACTOR

AUTHENTICATION.

"BABY, LET'S MAKE LOVE... RIGHT AFTER I CLICK ON EVERY SQUARE

WHERE THERE'S A TRAFFIC LIGHT TO PROVE I'M NOT A ROBOT."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, YOU CAN NOW BE SEXY HAND SANITIZER FOR

HALLOWEEN.

LET'S SEE IT JIM THAT'S NOT SEXY HAND SANITIZER.

THIS IS SEXY HAND SANITIZER.

OOH, YEAH, A FULLY STOCKED SHELF OF REASONABLY-PRICED PURIFYING

GEL WITH NO "LIMIT TWO PER CUSTOMER" SIGNS.

MMM!

I WANT TO TAKE YOU HOME AND GET STERILE ALL NIGHT!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MINDY KALING.

♪ ♪