Let's get to the news and jokes.

讓我們來看看新聞和笑話。

Well, guys, I hope everyone's doing a little better

好了，夥計們，我希望每個人都做得更好一點。

after last night's presidential debate.

在昨晚的總統辯論後，。

My only wish for tonight is that you laugh at these jokes

我今晚唯一的願望就是希望你能笑著看這些笑話。

as much as Joe Biden laughed at President Trump.

就像喬-拜登嘲笑特朗普總統一樣。

[ Biden laughing ]

[拜登笑]

-What about those questions? -I will say...

那這些問題呢？ - 我想說...-我想說...

-Less than -- Sir --

少於 -- -- 先生 -- --

[ Imitating Biden laughter ]

[模仿拜登的笑聲]

[ Laughing rhythmically ]

[笑有節奏地]

♪♪

♪♪

After last night's disaster, Trump and Biden both confirmed

經過昨晚的災難，特朗普和拜登都證實了

they will appear at the next debate.

他們將在下次辯論中出現。

Meanwhile, Americans were like,

同時，美國人也像。

"Yeah, you guys have fun with that."

"是啊，你們玩得很開心。"

I can't believe there's two more of these.

我不相信還有兩個這樣的。

It's like getting food poisoning at Chipotle

就像在Chipotle餐廳吃到食物中毒一樣。

then trying to clean out your system with more Chipotle.

然後試圖用更多的Chipotle清理你的系統。

The reviews of last night's debate are in,

昨夜辯論的評論已經出來了。

and here's what the media had to say.

而這裡的媒體不得不說。

-This was the most chaotic

-這是最混亂的

presidential debate I've ever seen.

我所見過的總統辯論。

-What happened on that debate stage was unlike anything

-辯論臺上發生的事情與以往任何事情都不同

that has ever happened on a presidential debate stage.

在總統辯論的舞臺上發生過的事情。

-That was a hot mess

-那真是一團糟

inside a dumpster fire inside a train wreck.

在一個垃圾箱內的火災 在火車失事。

-It was undignified at many times. It was cringeworthy.

-很多時候都是不體面的。它是令人尷尬的。

-I'm at a bit of a loss for words here

-我有點不知道該怎麼說了。

to describe what we've just witnessed.

來描述我們剛剛目睹的一切。

-That was a [bleep] show.

-那是一場表演。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-It's not a good sign when the presidential debate

-當總統辯論時，這不是一個好兆頭。

gets the same reviews as "Cats."

得到和 "貓 "一樣的評價。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Seriously, it was like watching "The View" on bath salts.

說真的，這就像用浴鹽看 "風景 "一樣。

It was like watching a debate between two deejay air horns.

就像在看兩個迪廳氣喇叭的辯論。

[ Rasta air horns blaring ]

[拉斯塔空氣喇叭高音]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

It was a lot to stomach.

這真是讓人難以忍受。

If the debate aired on Netflix,

如果辯論會在網易上播出。

they would have had a popup that asked,

他們會有一個彈窗，問。

"How are you still watching?"

"你怎麼還在看？"

All this morning's headlines

今早所有的頭條新聞

were about what a disaster the debate was.

是關於這場辯論是一場災難。

Like, the "New York Post" headline said

就像 "紐約郵報 "的頭條說的那樣

"A Hot Mess of a Debate."

"一場熱火朝天的辯論"

Or a "Washington Post" one that said "Trump Sets The Tone

或者是 "華盛頓郵報 "的一篇《特朗普定調》。

For The Worst Presidential Debate In Living Memory."

對於最糟糕的總統辯論 在生活的記憶。"

And this headline said

而這個標題說

"Millions Stay Up Till 4AM

"百萬人熬夜到凌晨4點

Googling 'How Do I Move To Canada?'"

谷歌'如何搬到加拿大？"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

This one said "Dew Garita Stock Up 75%."

這張寫著 "杜嘉麗塔股票上漲75%"。

And finally this last headline says

最後這個標題說

"Priests seen yelling, 'Yes, today, Satan.'"

"有人看到祭司大喊：'是的，今天，撒旦'"

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

[ Applause ]

[掌聲]

[ Laughs ]

[笑]

"Yes, today, Satan."

"是的，今天，撒旦。"

Oh. The debate was crazy.

哦，那場辯論太瘋狂了。辯論是瘋狂的。

Some people compared it to a circus.

有人把它比作馬戲團。

And get this -- during CNN's post-debate coverage,

並得到這個 - 在CNN的辯論後報道。

Van Jones shared a message from actual circus workers.

範-瓊斯分享了一條來自實際馬戲團工作人員的消息。

-Circus workers actually reached out to my team.

-圍觀的工人居然向我的團隊伸出援手。

They say, "Actually, we take offense.

他們說："其實，我們很介意。

We are careful and respectful people,

我們是小心翼翼的人，也是尊重人的人。

and we work very carefully together."

和我們一起非常小心地工作"。

So the circus workers are taking offense

所以，馬戲團的工人們都很生氣

that this was worse than a circus.

這比馬戲團還糟糕。

-Yeah.

-是的

Clowns don't want to be compared to Trump.

小丑們可不想和特朗普相比。

They were like, "Sure, we both wear a lot of makeup,

他們就說："當然，我們都化了很多妝。

but we pay way more in taxes."

但我們交的稅更多。"

You know it's a crazy night when a guy on CNN

你知道這是一個瘋狂的夜晚，當一個傢伙在CNN上

very seriously says,

很認真的說。

"I've just received a message from some circus workers and...

"我剛剛收到一些馬戲團工作人員的消息，而且... ...

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

...they're not pleased."

...他們不高興。"

Of course, one of the biggest moments

當然，最重要的時刻之一

that everyone's still talking about

滔滔不絕

is when Trump failed to condemn white supremacists

是當特朗普沒有譴責白人至上主義者的時候

and instead told them to "stand back and stand by."

而讓他們 "退後待命"。

Here are some reactions to that comment.

以下是對該評論的一些反應。

-It was really a sad night for our country

-對我們國家來說，這真的是一個悲傷的夜晚。

in that the President of the United States

因為美國總統

would not dissociate himself from white supremacists.

不會與白人至上主義者脫離關係。

-Donald Trump blew the biggest layup

唐納德-特朗普吹響了最大的上籃號角

in the history of debates by saying --

在辯論史上，我說

not condemning white supremacists.

不譴責白人至上主義者。

-Yeah, it's not good when you ask the President

-是的，當你問總統時，這不是好事

if he'll condemn white supremacy,

如果他能譴責白人至上主義。

and the "Jeopardy!" music starts playing in his head

腦子裡開始播放 "Jeopardy！"的音樂。

while he thinks it over.

在他思考的時候。

[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]

["最後的危險！"主題播放]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Theme ends ]

[主題結束]

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Thank you. That was my "Jeopardy!" space work.

謝謝你，那是我的 "危險 "空間作品。那是我的 "危險 "空間作品。

I can do other -- -Hey!

我可以做其他...

-Thank you very much. -You pay for it.

-謝謝你，非常感謝.-你付錢吧

-I know, yeah. I do other game shows.

-我知道，是的。我做其他的遊戲節目。

I do whatever you guys want. I do birthday parties.

我做任何你們想要的。我做生日派對。

If your kid likes a certain game show, I'll do that.

如果你的孩子喜歡某個遊戲節目，我就會這樣做。

You know, space work. I don't bring any props.

你知道，太空工作。我沒有帶任何道具。

I let the kid imagine where I am, what I'm holding.

我讓孩子想象我在哪裡，我拿著什麼。

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

Could be a light pen. Could be, you know, a buzzer.

可能是一支光筆。可能是，你知道，一個蜂鳴器。

Could be -- It's just a lot of fun.

可能是... ... 這只是一個很大的樂趣。

[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]

["最後的危險！"主題播放]

-No, no, please, I can't do it. Not now. I'm too busy.

-不，不，求你了，我不能這樣做。不，不，求你了，我做不到。我太忙了.

My wife and kids are here. Don't make me do it.

我的妻子和孩子都在這裡。不要讓我這樣做。

-Do it! -Don't make me do it.

-快做！-別逼我動手

I just don't -- -Do it!

我只是不... - 做吧！

[ "Final Jeopardy!" theme plays ]

["最後的危險！"主題播放]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Theme fades out ]

[主題淡出]

[ Applause ] -Wait. Please.

[掌聲] 等待。等一下，請。

I'm trying to eat my dinner. I'm trying to eat my dinner.

我想吃我的晚餐。我想吃我的晚餐。

-On that one, it looked like you were doing math, though.

-那一次，你看起來像是在做數學題，雖然。

-Yeah, I was. That's correct.

-是的，我是。是的，我是。 - 這是正確的。

That's what -- That's the whole fun of it, yeah.

這就是... ... 這就是它的全部樂趣，是的。

I let you have your own adventure, you know?

我讓你有自己的冒險，你知道嗎？

-Yeah. -You're welcome.

-是啊 不客氣。

-The Human Escape Room. -Yeah.

-人類密室-是的

-Love it.

-我喜歡

[ Laughter ]

[笑聲]

-Are you talking about my brain?

-你是在說我的大腦嗎？

It's like a Human Escape Room, yeah, trying to get out.

就像人肉密室，是的，想出去。

I saw that this morning "Fox & Friends"

我今天早上在 "福克斯和朋友 "看到了。

tried offering Trump some tips for the next debate.

試圖為特朗普提供一些下一場辯論的建議。

Check out how they did it.

看看他們是如何做到的。

-Here's my advice for the President on the next debate.

-這是我對總統在下一次辯論中的建議。

One, interrupt less.

一、少打岔。

Two, let Biden flail around.

二、讓拜登四處招搖。

And, three, sum it up.

而且，三，總結一下。

-"Fox & Friends" is just slowly turning into

-"福克斯和朋友們 "只是慢慢變成了

"Sesame Street" for Trump.

"芝麻街 "的特朗普。

[As Trump] "Loaf of bread, container of milk,

"一塊麵包，一箱牛奶。"[作為特朗普]"麵包，一箱牛奶。

stick of butter.

黃油棒。

Loaf of bread, container of milk, stick of butter.

一塊麵包，一盒牛奶，一根黃油。

Loaf of bread."

一塊麵包。"

[Normal voice] And, finally, this isn't good.

[正常聲音]最後，這不是好事。

I read that more people are experiencing cracked teeth.

我看了一下，越來越多的人出現了牙齒開裂的情況。

They're experiencing cracked teeth, and the reason

他們的牙齒出現了裂紋，原因是什麼？

is pretty interesting. Take a look.

是相當有趣的。看看吧

-One dentist says that he's seeing five or ten times

-一個牙醫說，他看了五到十次的牙醫

more cracked teeth a day.

每天都有更多的牙齒裂縫。

That's what's happening with stress in the pandemic.

這就是流行病中的壓力。

Anxiety can cause you to clench

焦慮會讓你緊緊地抓住

or grind your teeth more at night,

或者晚上多磨牙。

and that in turn can cause your teeth to crack.

而這又會導致你的牙齒開裂。

-Man, oh, man. In 2020, even our teeth are divided.

-夥計，哦，夥計在2020年，我們的牙齒也會分裂。