Left, right, debate night!

Aaaand I guess we're back?

Huh, so, we're live right now?

Yup.

Such fun.

Now the first question is "where should I put it?"

In the trunk.

I'd stick it in the lasagna.

Wha-- okay.

Joe, you like my hand puppet Binky?

Joe doesn't know how to do this kind of stuff, does he?

Is this something that you have to do right now?

Do-doop!

Right into your soft navel, hey look at me Bojangles.

President Trump, do you need to hold Papa's hand?

Will someone answer the phone?

The phone?

Get the phone?

What?

There is no phone that's ringing.

No, right there, the ringing.

I don't hear any ringing.

Oh boy.

What do I do? Oh no.

Are you embarrassed?

I'm mortified, yep.

Chris, I would like to use the C-word.

Caring.

Butt chunks. Butt chunks! Butt chunks!

Caring, really?

What'd you think I'd say?

I don't feel that safe with a lot of people.

Butt chunks!

I hope someone has an EpiPen, 'cause I'm frighteningly allergic to corn.

Ohh, wait a minute then. Now we buy the corn. The corn!

Who sent you?

Now, wait guys. You know what that sound means.

And President Trump, you're up first.

Just go.

Your favorite nickname for yourself.

CougarHeart.

Your favorite bill.

Uh, the gas bill, I'd say.

Your favorite animal sound.

Bzzzzt.

Your favorite scent to smell on a lover.

Mmm, ashtray.

Your favorite place to meet ex-circus performers.

Clown Shed.

Oh, great. Vice President Biden? Your turn now.

Your favorite shape.

Mmm, stick.

Your favorite movie.

Showgirls.

Your favorite body part.

Nostrils.

Your favorite meat.

Penguin.

And your favorite form of arthritis.

I think gout.

That is correct.

Good job, that wasn't bad.

You know, in the 90s he called the pagers "stupid pagers".

Yeah I did, I said that.

And he said it all the time.

'Cause, mm, they're just not good. He said "stupid pagers". He said that.

I would never say that 'cause someone could hear. Blah blah.

They were simple.

R-r-r-r-r-r.

Ahem. One whiskey?

Chris, do you think you'll find a moose in a grove of wheat?

Well that just depends on whether his horns are horns.

It's all about the horns.

Now some people have horns, for humans, you see.

And they usually slip on down into Sinbad's hole,

that toxic sewer.

Nobody should be in there.

You know, except for the horrifying bleach bird.

Oh, you don't say.

HuuHHh, bibbidibbidishibididay,

we're gonna make a pig roll in a pumpkin down in Brazil.

You know what, for most Brazilians, frogs have to go in their breakfast cereal.

Wait, wait, block your face.

I think toad's are a lot better though.

Wait, now, see, now...

Are you saying you don't agree?

I'm not going to assume any facts about what's popping in Brazil.

Spoiler, dad, they eat frogs, okay?

Guys, sorry to make it about me,

but my youngest nephew, Kevin, told me how he found some really good frosting.

It's icing.

No, it's frosting.

If you call icing frosting you should beat yourself.

Trust me, I am.

Yeah I would like your flesh everywhere.

Oh no

You're worse than three hundred itchy sweaters.

Howdy, folks!

Hey, I'll hit your dead eyes forty times.

No, sir, you will never.

Y'all, I don't even know those people who snowboard and go off and have a big day.

You okay, man.

Why are you so psycho?

Whoah whoah, stop it.

So you agree he should stop, then?

No, both of you, 'kay?

Yeah, you cow.

Oh, so I'm fat?

No, you're not fat. You see I was only descri--

You bruised my big old bod today, with that sinner's mouth.

With all of the spiritless energy.

Hey, I will go topless.

Might have sounded kinda wrong, 'cause I bruised my head...

I think it's kinky.

...'cause I rode on the Sea Serpent.

It's kinda hard to believe you're the hopes of the village.

Chris, if you cooked, I probably wouldn't chew anything,

I'd just spit it, 'cause I'd j--

Hhh..HhHh...

Hey pork chops, what are you looking at?

Sorry, I just remembered my dream from last night.

There were these little tiny meat people,

who were my favorite friends, thought I admit they were real oily.

And they were like, "good job Papa,"

and then what happened was they brought home their little baby,

and the little crumpet came for me and drew its pitchfork.

I could do that.

Chris, am I pointing at me right now?

I am not super great at pointing.

You're pointing at you.

Ah, I'm not trying to point at me right now.

A blank form is to where to I point.

It's real hot, and veiny, and kinda provelly.

It's real hot and provelly.

It's wha... yeah, okay.

Chris, one day he came up and burped behind me, and then blew it.

Uh-uhh, that wasn't burping.

In our noses. He blew it.

It wasn't burping. That was the wind that shoots off in a sexier way.

No.

You get it?

I do.

I do get it.

It's time for the most important part of the night, 'kay?

We'll give you various situations and scenarios, and then you both act it out.

Got it.

Okay.

Going first, we've got Papa Pizza Johan.

You question what your wife bought you for your birthday.

I have to own a spider tank?

You're more upset than that.

UhHHHhhhh--I have t--I have to own a spider tank?

You spot your neighbor, Approctoflecticus Blubberman.

Hey Blubberman.

A man who thinks his candy is alive.

Hey, I have these gummies,

and all of these gummies have brain.

A romantic movie scene with Harry Styles.

Wait, Harry, your worst possession,

which you have in your pocket, is my heart,

and sweetie I would like you to put it back.

A homicide detective just learning that

all of the victims' stomachs contained words

that have been cut out of magazines.

That's weird,

I think these were people that were on a paper diet.

Your send your baked potato back to the kitchen.

Needs more nutmeg.

Your favorite Sesame Street character is going through a rough time during the holidays.

Big Bird cried in my stuffing.

Sadder.

Big Bird cried in my stuffing.

You don't want anyone to know it was you.

Guys, I think it was the dog who farted.

You cut tiny strips of paper to accent the miniatures in your dollhouse.

Now I have scraps that'll fit in the little typewriter.

Right after watching the movie Babe,

your girlfriend asks what you want for lunch.

Not a hot dog. I.. I'll never touch it again. I'm done with that.

You're a cop who just caught his partner trying to steal diamonds from the evidence room.

De Santo, the ice,

you got to leave the ice, Tony.

The diamonds are fake.

They're not even actual--

Oh wait, no they're not.

Well, now that 'veI had a cream soda--

Oh, Tony's upset!

Tony, it's okay, it's alright.

He picks up a crossbow.

Tony don't do it, put it away, dear Tony, no.

And scene.

Wow.

VPB, the emotion was gripping.

Are you running out of vein juice?

De Santo is.

Wh--ohh, uh-huh.

Hey, hey wait, oh.

Now, President Trump, it's your turn to go.

A young man is having trouble making friends and asks you for advice.

Well, Angelo, maybe it's your face,

it's already gotten to me.

You find a zit while you're taking a shower.

Uh-oh, there's a pimple upon my birthday suit.

You let Melania know you're in "the mood".

Hey the pee-pee is tingly.

You make fun of Farmer Doug and his eccentric wife.

What are you farmer people, farmer people?

Look at your big old mustache,

and you must be Odd Petunia.

You complain to the flight attendant.

Why is there no pizza in this plane?

He offers you toast.

I don't like toast.

Why not?

'Cause it's just a habit I think.

You try to start trouble between a ferret and a frog.

Hey ferret,

that frog hates to hear you sneeze, by the way.

Your hiking buddy suffers a terrible injury and you're miles from any help.

Best to glue on the peen.

You don't have any glue.

Put the peen in a purse, I'll offer you a chocolate milk — hey you got a parasite.

You're a hairdresser

touching the back of a client's head while she stares in the mirror.

How you like it?

She asks you to take off her mask.

Let me ask you dear: why?

You describe the zoo to a young child.

The zoo

is just a gross park.

As you walk out of Trump Tower, a homeless man asks you for spare change.

Hahegh, a prince of poverty.

You decide to go on a diet.

Uh, yes, Beverly, could you get me a rice cake?

The powerful monarch tells you she's not interested in dating you.

Wait, empress, I have a Greek body.

She needs more convincing.

Just let me be your emperor.

Baby, you want that too, for the people.

You want that too for them, right?

Hey not too bad, actually.

I know.

I bought these tiny beans, they're supposed to make new flowers...

You mean seeds?

...but they're kind of dumb, because...

because you know I've got a Mustang that was used in a promotion...

Yeah, well I've got an Italian rapper's car,

and I think I'm gonna poop in it as I have never pooped before.

you see I've been sponging all my fish hooks.

Kill me.

Why you so cranky?

Why have you been ignoring the world, you robot?

'Cause I'm over it.

W-W...

You look so sad.

You know if these arms were wings I'd fly away.

Look, people on fire need help, and people not on fire can lend the help.

Why do you and everyone else think with their feelings?

Man you're a bronze goblin,

you're a busted scooter at the dump.

Hoo boy