ELECTION DAY IS JUST ONE WEEK AWAY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.

ONE WEEK-- OR 719 MORE TRUMP RALLIES.

( LAUGHTER ) HOWEVER YOU WANT TO COUNT IT.

IT'S A WEEK TODAY, WHICH MEANS WE'RE ONLY FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM

KNOWING WHO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES IS.

( LAUGHTER ) HAGAR, YOU'RE A BRAND-NEW

CITIZEN OF THIS COUNTRY.

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THIS IS YOUR FIRST ELECTION.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT VOTING?

WE'RE SEVEN DAYS AWAY, BUT IF I >> I VOTED.

>> James: YOU DID IT!

YES,ER IT FELT AMAZING.

SO WE'RE GOOD, GUYS.

>> James: HAGAR VOTED IN CALIFORNIA.

I THINK THAT'S THE SWING ONE.

I THINK THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THE NEWS OUT OF THE NATION'S CAPITOL.

THERE'S A NEW ASSOCIATE JUSTICE ON THE SUPREME COURT BENCH

TODAY.

SENATE REPUBLICANS CONFIRMED AMY CONEY BARRETT LAST NIGHT

AFTER A HIGHLY-DIVIDED VOTE.

ZERO DEMOCRATS VOTED FOR HER.

BUT, AT LEAST THEY PUT UP A FIGHT.

AND BY "FIGHT" I MEAN, THEY SENT SOME VERY STRONGLY WORDED

TWEETS.

( LAUGHTER ) JUDGE BARRETT WAS SWORN IN AT

THE WHITE HOUSE LAST NIGHT.

WHCH MEANS THE GUY WHO OWNED THE MISS TEEN USA PAGEANT HAS

NOW APPOINTED A FULL ONE-THIRD OF THE SUPREME COURT.

WE'RE HAVING FUN, GUYS!

( LAUGHTER ) AND OLD HABITS DIE HARD.

AT THE VERY END OF THE SWEARING IN CEREMONY, TRUMP INSTINCTIVELY

TRIED TO PLACE A CROWN AND SASH ON HER.

( LAUGHTER ) YESTERDAY, DONALD TRUMP HELD A

RALLY IN PENNSYLVANIA AND HE TOOK A MOMENT TO MENTION A KEY

VOTING BLOCK, I THINK?

I DON'T KNOW.

HE STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.

>> HARD WORKERS, INCREDIBLE CRAFTSMEN.

YOU'VE DONE WORK FOR ME OVER THE YEARS, I TELL YA.

THEY CAN THROW UP A BARN IN ABOUT TWO DAYS.

>> JAMES: TRUMP WENT ON LIKE "THESE GUYS MAKE ALL THE BEST

BARNS.

POTTERY BARN, DRESS BARN...

BANES AND NOBLE."

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S STRANGE TO HEAR TRUMP

TALKING ABOUT THE AMISH.

THE TWO OF THEM LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON.

BESIDES SLEEPING IN A DIFFERENT BED THAN THEIR SPOUSE.

THAT'S IT.

( LAUGHTER ) BUT THESE GUYS BEHIND TRUMP SEEM

TO BE LOVING IT.

THEY SAID THEY HAVEN'T SEEN SOMETHING THIS ENTERTAINING

SINCE JEDIDIAH GOT HIS HEAD STUCK IN THE BUTTER BUCKET.

( LAUGHTER ) AT ANOTHER POINT IN THE RALLY

TRUMP READ HIS FAVORABLE POLL NUMBERS TO THE CROWD.

>> WE'RE LEADING BY FOUR POINTS IN FLORIDA.

YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT, DID YOU?

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY IN

UTAH.

>> James: ARE YOU?

I'LL BE HONEST, I'VE NOT SEEN THE LATEST POLLS.

BUT I FEEL LIKE "INFINITY" MIGHT, MIGHT BE AN EXAGGERATION.

HE'S LIKE A CHILD.

"IN UTAH WE'RE LEADING BY INFINITY, LIKE GAJILLIONS VOTES

AND THEN OLAF THE SNOWMAN IS GONNA COME TO MY BIRTHDAY

PARTY!" ( LAUGHTER )

TRUMP ISN'T THE ONLY ONE ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL.

TODAY, PRESIDENT OBAMA SAID TRUMP IS DESPERATE FOR ATTENTION

AND JEALOUS OF COVID'S MEDIA COVERAGE.

TO BE FAIR, COVID HAS GOTTEN SOME SOLID MEDIA COVERAGE.

WHO WOULDN'T WANT TO BE LINKED TO TOM HANKS AND IDRIS ELBA?

( LAUGHTER ) OFF AND ON THIS SHOW WE MOCK

DONALD TRUMP FOR GOING OFF THE RAILS WHILE SPEAKING BUT OBAMA

PROVED TODAY IT CAN HAPPEN TO THE BEST OF US.

>> EACH TIME THEY TRY TO REPEAL IT THEY SAY, OH, WE'VE GOT A

GREAT PLACEMENT, IT'S COMING.

EVERYBODY'S A LITTLE YOUNG HERE BUT YOU GUYS REMEMBER POPEYE?

AND REMEMBER THAT GUY WHO ALWAYS NEEDED TO BORROW SOME MONEY FOR

A HAMBURGER?

HE SAID, DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE PAYING YOU BACK SOME TIME SOON?

THAT'S LIKE REPUBLICANS WITH HEALTHCARE.

>> James: WHAT?!

WHAT?!

I THOUGHT HE WAS TEEING HIMSELF UP FOR A SPINACH REFERENCE, BUT

OBAMA WENT FOR THAT DEEP CUT.

EVEN THE PEOPLE WHO CREATED POPEYE WERE LIKE, "HAMBURGER

GUY?

( LAUGHTER ) DO YOU GET IT?

>> Reggie: I GET IT.

>> James: DO YOU GET IT?

>> Reggie: YEAH.

>> James: THE WHOLE BAND GETS IT.

ALL YOU'VE DONE IS CEMENT WHAT I'M SAYING WHICH IS -- STEVE'S

LIKE, HAMBURGER GUY, BORROW MONEY FOR A BURGER, NEVER GET IT

BACK.

HE'D SAY PAY YOU TUESDAY.

>> Reggie: GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A HAMBURGER TODAY.

>> THAT'S THE TERMS MOST MUSICIANS WORK UNDER.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: VERY GOOD, VERY

GOOD!

I DIDN'T KNOW.

I'LL BE HONEST, YOU'VE RUINED THE NEXT FEW JOKES.

( LAUGHTER ) WE'RE ALL HAVING A GREAT TIME

AND I LOVE THIS HAMBURGER POPEYE THING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF WITH POPEYE, SPINACH MUSCLES?

NO, THE HAMBURGER GUY.

>> WIMPY.

>> James: HIS NAME IS WHAT.

WIMPY.

THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPY'S.

>> James: THERE'S A BURGER CHAIN NAMED WIMPIES.

YOU COME HERE FOR THIS LEVEL OF EXCLUSIVE.

THERE'S STILL A WIMPY ON MARLO STREET IN BUCKINGHAMSHIRE.

THANK YOU FOR LEADING THE.

[ APPLAUSE ] ( APPLAUSE )

TIM HAD HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND WE COULDN'T AFFORD TO HAVE

HIS BIRTHDAY PARTY THERE AND IT RANK ALSO ME TO THIS DAY.

SORRY?

>> LOOK AT YOU KNOW.

WHERE IS TIM?

>> James: Facebook.

HE'S WORTH $4.4 BILLION.

YEAH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TIM BUCKRAGE IS IN NOW.

WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW NOW.

( LAUGHTER ) STEVE, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU LOOK GOOD TODAY.

>> IT'S FALL COLORS.

>> James: WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE?

YOU'VE GOT A DATE TONIGHT?

>> NO.

NO, NO, NO.

>> James: DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

>> I GOT A HAIRCUT TODAY.

>> James: BUT LOOK AT THIS LOOK TODAY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO BOLD FROM THE WAIST DOWN.

WHAT IS THIS A MUSTARD PANT?

>> YEAH, THESE COLORS TOTALLY GO TOGETHER.

>> James: THEY DO.

IT ALL WORKS AND IT'S COMPENSATING FOR THIS TRACK SUIT

THAT TIM KEEPS STICKING WITH.

I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE TIGERS, RIGHT?

>> RARRRR!

>> James: DID YOU SEE THIS?

ON THE WAY HOME FROM EARLY VOTING, A WOMAN IN SOUTH

CAROLINA STOPPED AT A GAS STATION TO PURCHASE A LOTTERY

TICKET, AND SHE ENDED UP WINNING $2-MILLION.

AND IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU ANGRY ENOUGH, SHE VOTED FOR

KANYE.

IT'S INCREDIBLE.

SHE WENT TO THE POLLS A DEMOCRAT AND ARRIVED HOME A REPUBLICAN.

( LAUGHTER ) SHE WON $2-MILLION AND GOT TO

VOTE ON THE SAME DAY.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT SHE SAID WAS THE BEST PART?

DOING HER PART IN DEMOCRACY-- I'M KIDDING, IT'S THE FACT THAT

SHE WON $2-MILLION.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY, IAN?

REGGIE?

EWE'RE PRETENDING LIKE YOU HAVEN'T IN LIFE ALREADY, BUT

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WON THE LOTTERY?

>> HOW MUCH?

>> James: SEE, THAT'S WHEN YOU KNOW YOU'RE RICH.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW HOW RICH REGGIE IS.

BUT WHEN YOUR QUESTION IS HOW MUCH?

WHAT IS IT, TEN?

IT WOULDN'T MAKE A HUGE DENT IN MY LIFE, REALLY.

WHAT WOULD I DO, BUY ANOTHER CAR?

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT IS THE LOTTERY HERE?

WHAT DO WE PAY FOR HERE, IAN?

>> LET'S SAY $150 MILLION.

>> James: 150 MILLION.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

>> Reggie: I WOULD PROBABLY HELP A BUNCH OF KIDS WITH COOL

INSTRUMENTS, TECHNOLOGY, KIND OF LIKE FIGURE THAT OUT.

THEN I WOULD PROBABLY INVEST IN HIRED JEN FUEL CELL PLANES SO I

WOULD GET, LIKE, A PRIVATE PLANE BUT IT WOULD RUN ON HIRED JEN

BATTERY SO IT WOULD BE ZERO EMISSIONS.

THEN I WOULD PROBABLY GET A SALTWATER SWIMMING POOL.

THEN I WOULD PROBABLY REDESIGN A HOUSE SO IT'S HERMETICALLY

SEALED AND THEY CAN CONTROL THE ENTIRE ENVIRONMENT FROM AIR

QUALITY TO HUMIDITY AND ALL THOSE FACTORS.

>> James: I DID SAY 150 MILLION.

I DIDN'T SAY $7 BILLION.

>> THAT'S CORRECT.

THAT'S BASICALLY IT.

>> James: WHAT ABOUT YOU, IAN, YOU WIN BIG ON THE LOTTERY.

>> LIE ABOUT IT.

>> James: REALLY?

YEAH, I WOULDN'T TELL A PERSON.

I'D EVEN KEEP COMING BACK INTO WORK.

I'D SHOW UP IN SLIGHTLY GUARDIER AND GUARD GAUDIER OUTFITS UNTIL

YOU ASKED ME ABOUT IT.

>> James: IT'S NOT THAT BIG A LEAP.

>> 68 CHAINS AND A VELVET TRACK SUIT.

>> James: FINALLY, WE HAVE A NEW

GUINNESS WORLD RECORD TO TELL YOU ABOUT.

A MAN IN IDAHO JUST BROKE THE RECORD FOR BOUNCING A PING PONG

BALL OFF OF A WALL USING ONLY HIS MOUTH.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A

VIDEO.

>> THREE, TWO, ONE, GO.

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

( LAUGHTER ) >> James: I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF

WE'RE ALLOWED TO SHOW THAT ON CBS.

( LAUGHTER ) I JUST WANT TO SAY, HONESTLY, WE

DIDN'T ADD THAT MUSIC.

THE PORNO MUSIC WAS ON THE VIDEO, ALREADY.

( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

REG?

>> Reggie: I DON'T KNOW.

IT MAKES ME FEEL REALLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

>> James: AND ME BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW -- I CAN'T PUT

TOGETHER THE STEPS ON HOW YOU GET THERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHO'S, LIKE, GOT A PING-PONG BALL IN THEIR

MOUTH AND THEY'RE, LIKE -- ( LAUGHTER )

>> Reggie: THAT'S TERRIBLE.

>> James: WHAT'S THE WORLD RECORD FOR THIS?

HOW'S THERE EVEN AN EXISTING RECORD?

>> DO YOU THINK THERE'S A CRUSTY OLD COACH THAT SAID I HAVEN'T

SEEN ANYONE SPIT A PING-PONG BALL LIKE THAT SINCE 1983 AND

THEN STARTED TRAINING HIM.

>> James: YOU REMIND ME OF MITCH HEMALSTEIN, ONE OF THE

GREATS!

>> HE STARTED BY SPITTING OUT PLUMS!

>> James: THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT THE VIDEO THAT LEFT A BAD

TASTE IN MY MOUTH.

HE BROKE THE RECORD, THOUGH HE ALMOST CHOKED.

( RIM SHOT ) ( LAUGHTER )

I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH, THE NEXT JOKE I'M ABOUT TO SAY REQUESTED

THREE TIMES BE CUT FROM THE MONO, AND IT'S JUST BEEN PLACED

BACK IN EVERY TIME SO I'LL GIVE IT MY BEST AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT

PLAYS.

IF LOVING THIS GUY'S PONG, I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT.

( RIM SHOT ) ( APPLAUSE )

GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, THOUGH, GOT TO HAND IT TO HIM, YOU DO.

THIS GUY, YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE WENT, GUILLERMO, REG?

HE WENT BALLS TO THE WALL.

♪ ♪