Let's get to the news and jokes.

Well, guys, the election is five days away,

and President Trump is busy on the campaign trail.

At one of his rallies, he tried to describe

what would happen if Joe Biden wins.

Listen to this.

-If you vote for Biden, it means no kids in school,

no graduations, no weddings, no Thanksgiving,

no Christmas... -[ Crowd booing ]

-...and no Fourth of July together.

Other than that, you have a wonderful life.

-Yeah. Yeah, a wonderful life.

[as George Bailey] "Merry Christmas,

closed-down movie theaters!

Uh, w-- Merry Christmas, boarded-up schools!

Merry Christmas, abandoned gyms!"

[ Laughter ]

It's already a wonderful life, except every time a bell rings,

someone gets COVID.

[ Crew groaning ]

No Christmas?

Does Trump think he's running against Biden or the Grinch?

Later, Trump was like,

"A vote for Biden mean no Toyotathon!

No Happy Honda Days.

No Lexus December to Remember."

[ Laughter ]

[ Applause ]

According to Trump, electing Biden

will lead to riots in the streets,

an economy in the tank, and no holidays,

but, also, he's a sleepy politician

who can't get anything done.

But this is interesting. Today, Trump and Biden

were both campaigning down in Tampa, Florida.

People in Tampa were like, "Come on. We just

lost the World Series. Now we got to deal with this?"

I'm glad both guys were in the same place 'cause

it finally ends my uncle's conspiracy theory that Trump

and Biden are actually the same lizard person.

[ Laughter ]

Yep, Trump went to Tampa. And this was nice --

he brought some frozen Nebraska supporters

so they could thaw out.

Isn't that nice?

As for Trump, you can tell his campaign

is low on money 'cause he asked Biden

if he wanted to split an Uber back to the airport.

In a new poll, I saw that Biden is up 4 points in Florida.

Meanwhile, Tucker Carlson claims that he has polls

that show Trump ahead, but they got lost in the mail.

[ Laughter ]

Of course, the other big story is the pandemic,

and it just came out that it's even affecting the Space Force.

Listen to this.

-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

has tested positive for the coronavirus.

The Vice Chief of Space Operations,

General David D. Thompson, diagnosed yesterday.

-Yeah. I hope he's alright.

But I think the country will be okay.

Vice President of the Space Force

is like being the vice president of a darts league.

[ Laughter ]

But this is smart --

just to play it safe, the rest of the Space Force

will be working from home

instead of their usual strip-mall office.

[ Laughter ]

Why do I feel like we're one day away from hearing,

"My fellow Americans, the coronavirus is now in space.

Been one hell of a ride."

I like the way the anchor said "Space Force."

She was almost, like, mocking it or something, right?

-Together: Space Force!

[ Laughter ]

-Dave, could we -- Dave, can we play that

one more time and hear that again?

-One of the highest-ranking members of the Space Force

has tested positive...

[ Laughter ]

-Space Force!

[ Laughter ]

I saw that Bed Bath & Beyond just made a big announcement

about their famous coupons. Take a look.

-Bed Bath & Beyond planning to scale back these coupons

in an effort to boost profits

and be more competitive on pricing.

Don't worry, though --

the coupons promising 15% or 20% off,

they're not going away entirely.

They just might not appear in your mailbox quite as often.

-Ah. That's devastating

'cause now parents will have nothing to jam

in the corner of their kitchen counters.

Yep, in 2020, even your junk drawer

is going through an identity crisis.

"Without the coupons, who...am I?"

[ Laughter ]

It's kind of sad 'cause if Pottery Barn stops

sending catalogs, then there will be no more mail.

[ Laughter ]

Now, this is interesting --

Harley-Davidson just introduced something new,

and it's taking a lot of people by surprise. Watch this.

-Harley-Davidson has a new product.

It is an electric bike, but look at that.

It's not an electric motorcycle. It's an electric bicycle!

-Yeah, Moms heard that and were like,

"Yeah, it's still a no."

"But I'm 48!"

"Yeah, no."

I'm actually looking forward to seeing the first biker gang

that takes breaks for matcha-tea smoothies.

Yeah, you don't look quite as badass

in a Hell's Angels jacket

when you're riding Peewee Herman's bike.

[as Peewee] Hah-hah! [Giggles]

♪♪

No hands! No hands! Hah-hah! Hmm-hmm!

[Peewee giggle]

[ Questlove laughing ]

-Wait. Stop.

[ Laughter ]

-I broke him. I broke him. This is cool right here.

There's going to be a blue moon on Halloween this year.

So Denny's is celebrating by selling

a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich with blue bread. Look at this.

[ Laughter ]

Ah, yes, the classic color

everyone associates with Halloween -- blue.

[ Laughter ]

So, remember, even though Halloween is basically canceled,

you can still make it much, much worse.

But get this. Even though some people are skipping

Halloween, sales of candy and chocolate

are up more than 8% compared to last year.

Yep, the only chocolate bar that isn't selling well

is Hershey's Whatchamacovid.

[ Laughter ]

Not selling.

[ Applause ]

And, finally, you got see this.

To make trick-or-treating safer during the pandemic,

a lot of people have built candy cannons.

Candy cannons. Take a look at this.

-John Downs built this candy cannon.

He says it is designed to keep kids safe and socially distant.

The cannon is 12 feet tall.

At the press of a button, it uses a shop vacuum

to shoot the candy down the tube.

-That's a weird phrase.

"To keep trick-or-treating safe, we're introducing cannons."

[ Laughter ]

Personally, I'll be loading gumballs

into a pitching machine.

FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO-FTOO!

In other news, Candy Cannons will be dancing

on the main stage tonight

at Stiletto's in East Rutherford.

[ Laughter ]

We have a great show. Give it up for The Roots, everybody!