I'M THE STEPHEN COLBERT.

THE 2020 ELECTION IS LESS THAN TWO WEEKS AWAY.

I'M SO EXCITED THAT I'M NOT GETTING ANY OF THE SLEEP I

NORMALLY DON'T GET.

TOMORROW IS THE SECOND AND FINAL PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE, FOR WHICH

WE WILL BE LIVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, RIGHT THERE.

TUNE IN TO FIND OUT WHICH TERRIBLE GROUP TRUMP WON'T

CONDEMN THIS TIME.

( AS TRUMP ) "PEOPLE WHO DON'T TOSS IN FOR

PIZZA BECAUSE THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT ANY BUT THEN HAVE A

SLICE WHEN IT COMES, STAND BACK AND STAND BY.

GUYS WHO HOVER RIGHT BEHIND YOU IN LINE WHEN USING THE URINAL,

AWAIT MY ORDERS.

NEO-NAZIS, AS YOU WERE."

EVERY FOUR YEARS, AROUND THIS TIME OF THE ELECTION, PEOPLE

START TO WORRY ABOUT AN OCTOBER SURPRISE.

TODAY, WE GOT MORE THAN AN OCTOBER SURPRISED.

WE GOT OCTOBER APPALLED, COURTESY OF TRUMP'S PERSONAL

LAWYER AND MAN WHO HAS TO CONSTANTLY GNAW ON TREE TRUNKS

TO KEEP HIS TEETH FROM GROWING THROUGH HIS BOTTOM LIP, RUDY

GIULIANI.

GIULIANI APPEARS IN THE NEW BORAT MOVIE, STARRING SASCHA

BARON COHEN, WHO WILL BE MY GUEST ON "THE LATE SHOW" ON

MONDAY.

AND IT TURNS OUT WE MIGHT HAVE A LOT TO TALK ABOUT, BECAUSE TODAY

WE LEARNED THAT, THANKS TO HIDDEN CAMERAS, IN THE MOVIE, WE

SEE GIULIANI REACHING INTO HIS TROUSERS AND APPARENTLY TOUCHING

HIS GENITALS WHILE RECLINING ON A BED IN THE PRESENCE OF THE

ACTOR PLAYING BORAT'S DAUGHTER.

JEFFREY TOOBIN.

IT'S OVER ALREADY.

DON'T WORRY, THE TEENAGE DAUGHTER WAS ACTUALLY AN ACTRESS

WHO'S 24.

AND YOU CAN STILL WATCH WITHOUT HAVING TO SEE RUDY'S TOOTIE

BECAUSE THE SCENE IS QUICKLY INTERRUPTED BY BORAT, WHO RUNS

IN AND SAYS, "SHE'S 15.

SHE'S TOO OLD FOR YOU."

NEVER A GREAT SIGN WHEN THE MORAL AUTHORITY IN A SITUATION

COMES FROM A GUY WHO ONCE HANDED A WOMAN A BAG OF HIS OWN POOP.

EVEN BEFORE COCKTAILS IN THE BEDROOM, RUDY ACTED LIKE A REAL

JERK-OFF.

DURING THE INTERVIEW WITH THE DAUGHTER GIULIANI DRINKS SCOTCH,

COUGHS, FAILS TO SOCIALLY DISTANCE, AND AGREES, AT LEAST

IN THEORY TO EAT A BAT WITH HIS INTERVIEWER.

REALLY, RUDY?

EAT A BAT?

WHAT WOULD THAT EVEN LOOK LIKE?

YEAH, OKAY.

NOW, THIS DOESN'T LOOK GREAT, BUT RUDY SAYS HE HAS A PERFECTLY

INNOCENT EXPLANATION.

>> I HAD TO TAKE OFF THE ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT.

AND WHEN THE ELECTRONIC EQUIPMENT CAME OFF, SOME OF IT

WAS IN THE BACK, AND MY SHIRT GOT A LITTLE OUT, CAME A LITTLE

OUT.

ALTHOUGH, MY CLOTHES WERE ENTIRELY ON.

I LEAN BACK, AND I TUCK MY SHIRT IN, AND AT THAT POINT, AT THAT

POINT, THEY HAVE THIS PICTURE THEY TAKE, WHICH LOOKS DOCTORED.

BUT IN ANY EVENT, I'M TUCKING MY SHIRT IN.

I ASSURE YOU THAT'S ALL I WAS DOING.

>> Stephen: OKAY, I WOULD BUY THAT, BUT I WATCHED THE FOOTAGE.

WHY DID YOU GO INTO A BEDROOM AT THE SUGGESTION OF A YOUNG

WOMAN TO HAVE COCKTAILS TO TAKE OFF A MIC.

I TAKE OFF A MIC EVERY NIGHT.

NEVER ONCE HAVE I RECLINED ON A KING-SIZED BED AND LAUNCHED A

FACT-FINDING MISSION TO MY OWN GROIN.

ANYWAY, WE CAN'T SHOW YOU THE FOOT ANNUAL TONIGHT, BUT HE'S

HERE MONDAY AND WE'LL SHOW IT THEN.

GREAT, SASCHA, NO HOLDS BARRED.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT IT SOUNDS GOOD.

NOW, NO TELLING YET WHAT EFFECT IF ANY, THIS FOOTAGE WILL HAVE

ON THE ELECTION.

SO FAR, THE POLLS IN SOME OF THE SWING STATES ARE TIGHTENING--

ALONG WITH MY SPHINCTER-- ESPECIALLY PENNSYLVANIA, WHERE

THE LATEST POLLS HAVE BIDEN UP ANYWHERE FROM 10% TO ONLY 2%.

COME ON, PENNSYLVANIA!

YOU DON'T NEED TRUMP!

YOU ALREADY HAVE A PERFECTLY GOOD ORANGE MONSTER.

THINGS ARE SO TIGHT RIGHT NOW, THAT IN THE LAST 24 HOURS,

PENNSYLVANIA HAS GOTTEN VISITS FROM BOTH DONALD TRUMP AND

BARACK OBAMA.

IT'S HOPE AND CHANGE VERSUS GROPE AND STRANGE.

LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HELD ONE OF HIS OUTDOOR SHOUT 'N SPRAYS IN

ERIE, PENNSYLVANIA.

BUT HE MADE IT CLEAR HE WASN'T THAT HAPPY ABOUT IT.

>> YOU KNOW WHAT?

FOUR, FIVE MONTHS AGO WHEN WE STARTED THIS WHOLE THING,

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, BEFORE THE PLAGUE CAME IN, I HAD IT MADE.

I WASN'T COMING TO ERIE!

I MEAN, I HAVE TO BE HONEST, THERE WAS NO WAY I WAS COMING.

>> Stephen: AH, YES, NOTHING MAKES PEOPLE FEEL MORE VALUED

LIKE HEARING, "I'M ONLY SPENDING TIME WITH YOU BECAUSE OF THE

PLAGUE, WHICH, OTHERWISE, I WOULD AVOID YOU LIKE."

TRUMP DID EVENTUALLY PIVOT FROM COMPLAINING ABOUT PENNSYLVANIA

TO COMPLAINING ABOUT HIS OPPONENT.

>> IF YOU WANT DEPRESSION, DOOM AND DESPAIR, VOTE FOR SLEEPY JOE

BIDEN.

AND BOREDOM!

BECAUSE IF YOU HAD SLEEPY JOE, NOBODY'S GONNA BE INTERESTED IN

POLITICS ANYMORE.

THAT'S GONNA BE THE END OF THAT.

>> Stephen: OH, MY GOD, THAT SOUNDS AMAZING!

HERE'S JUST A PREVIEW OF WHAT WE COULD BE TALKING ABOUT IF

POLITICS WAS BORING AGAIN: YESTERDAY, ONE OF MY WRITERS

PITCHED A STORY ABOUT A POPULAR INTERNET VIDEO FEATURING A VERY

LONG DOOR HANDLE.

LOOK AT HOW LONG IT IS!

IT FITS THREE HANDS!

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOME JOKES ABOUT THAT?

SORRY, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR DOORKNOB JOKES BECAUSE I HAVE TO

TALK ABOUT A PRESIDENT WHO'S AS DUMB AS ONE.

TRUMP ALSO WENT AFTER BIDEN BY PLAYING AN ATTACK AD FOR THE

CROWD.

HERE'S HOW HE SET IT UP: >> TONIGHT, I WANT TO DO

SOMETHING-- I WANT TO GIVE YOU-- THIS IS AN ORIGINAL DONALD TRUMP

BROADWAY PLAY.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CLIP.

>> Stephen: YES, AN ORIGINAL DONALD TRUMP BROADWAY PLAY:

"THE BOOK OF MORON."

ALSO, IT'S WORTH POINTING OUT TRUMP SAYS HE'S PRESENTING A

BROADWAY PLAY, AND THEN PLAYS A COMMERCIAL.

( AS TRUMP ) "I LOVE BROADWAY.

MY FAVORITE SHOW TUNE IS 'WE HAVE THE MEATS.'

ALWAYS MAKES ME CRY BECAUSE AT THE END, THEY DO HAVE THE

MEATS."

BUT DESPITE THE TIGHT RACE IN P.A., TRUMP'S DOWN IN THE POLLS

NEARLY EVERYWHERE AND NEEDS TO GET HIS MESSAGE OUT.

YESTERDAY, HE HAD A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY TO TALK WITH LESLEY

STAHL OF "60 MINUTES."

BUT, EVIDENTLY, SHE ASKED HIM TOUGH QUESTIONS ABOUT HIS

HANDLING OF THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC, THE SIZE OF THE CROWDS

AT HIS RALLIES, AND HIS DISPUTES WITH ANTHONY FAUCI.

BECAUSE AFTER 45 MINUTES, HE ABRUPTLY ENDED THE INTERVIEW.

WELL, NO SURPRISE THERE.

TRUMP ALWAYS FINISHES BEFORE THE WOMAN.

♪ ♪ ♪ >> WHAM-BAM, THANK YOU SLAM!

>> Stephen: NOT SATISFIED WITH JUST STORMING OFF, TRUMP

THREATENED TO BEAT "60 MINUTES" TO THE PUNCH BY RELEASING HIS

OWN FOOTAGE, TWEETING: "I AM PLEASED TO INFORM YOU

THAT, FOR THE SAKE OF ACCURACY IN REPORTING, I AM CONSIDERING

POSTING MY INTERVIEW WITH LESLEY STAHL OF '60 MINUTES,' PRIOR TO

AIRTIME!" THIS WILL BE DONE SO THAT

EVERYBODY CAN GET A GLIMPSE OF WHAT A FAKE AND BIASED

INTERVIEW IS ALL ABOUT."

OH, NO!

MR. PRESIDENT!

ON BEHALF OF CBS, PLEASE DON'T POST A TEASER TRAILER FOR THIS

SUNDAY'S EPISODE OF "60 MINUTES."

7:30 PM EASTERN, 6:30 CENTRAL, ONLY CBS.

I HEAR HE WALKS OUT.

SHOULD BE PRETTY EXCITING.

NOW, AFTER FLEEING THE INTERVIEW, TRUMP HAD A TOWN HALL

WHERE HE CONTINUED TO STEW ABOUT "60 MINUTES" AND FAUCI.

>> I GET ALONG WITH HIM FINE, BUT HE'S MADE MISTAKES.

AND, YOU KNOW, WHEN HE SAID HE-- HE REALLY IS STOPPED FROM GOING

ON TELEVISION.

THEN YOU SEE HIM DO "60 MINUTES," NOT ONE OF THE

GREATEST SHOWS IN THE WORLD.

>> Stephen: OKAY, WORD OF ADVICE: IF YOU DESPERATELY NEED

THE SENIOR VOTE, MAYBE DON'T GO AFTER "60 MINUTES."

( AS TRUMP ) "60 MINUTES IS A SHOW FOR

LOSERS, MATLOCK IS A CRAPPY LAWYER, AND LET'S FACE IT, NANA,

YOUR GRANDKIDS ARE STUPID AND UGLY."

SO TRUMP SAYS AND DOES DUMB THINGS.

BUT WE SHOULD NEVER LET HIS STUPIDITY OVERSHADOW THAT HE'S

ALSO A HEARTLESS MONSTER WHO MUST BE DRIVEN FROM OFFICE AND

EVENTUALLY DRAGGED IN MANACLES BEFORE THE HAGUE.

BECAUSE OF ALL THE HORRIBLE THINGS HE AND HIS ADMINISTRATION

HAVE DONE, PERHAPS THE HORRIBLE-IST IS THEIR FAMILY

SEPARATION POLICY ON THE BORDER.

AND WE GOT SOME CHILLING NEWS YESTERDAY IN A COURT

FILING.

YOU SEE, LAST YEAR, A FEDERAL JUDGE ORDERED THE GOVERNMENT TO

REUNITE PARENTS AND CHILDREN THAT HAD BEEN SEPARATED BY THE

TRUMP ADMINISTRATION.

AND, WELL, THE APPOINTED LAWYERS JUST CAME BACK TO HIM AND

EXPLAINED THE PARENTS OF 545 CHILDREN SEPARATED AT THE U.S.

BORDER STILL CAN'T BE FOUND.

WE HAVE TWO WEEKS TO DECIDE WHAT KIND OF COUNTRY THIS IS GOING

TO BE.

EITHER THIS INHUMANE BEHAVIOR IS GOING TO BE PUNISHED BY THE

VOTERS, OR JUST CHANGE THE STATUE OF LIBERTY TO READ, "GIVE

ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, AND HALF A MILLION IN UNMARKED BILLS

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE KIDS AGAIN."

THINK ABOUT THE SHEER NUMBER HERE-- 545 KIDS.

THAT'S NOT A CHILD ON A MILK CARTON.

THAT'S THE WHOLE DAIRY AISLE.

AND YET, THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T MADE UP THEIR MINDS.

THERE ARE STILL PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO VOTE FOR HIM!

AND I KNOW THAT PEOPLE VOTE ON A LOT OF DIFFERENT ISSUES.

BUT NOW THAT WE KNOW THAT THESE CHILDREN WERE STOLEN FROM THEIR

PARENTS AND CANNOT BE RETURNED DUE TO THINGS IN OF THE

ADMINISTRATION, THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS YOU'RE VOTING ON.

YOU CAN'T SAY YOU DON'T KNOW.

NOW, I DON'T BELIEVE THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ARE EVIL.

MAYBE 545 KIDS IS TOO MANY TO WRAP OUR HEADS AROUND.

THAT'S EIGHT SCHOOL BUSSES FULL OF CHILDREN.

OR MAYBE WE FEEL TOO GUILTY TO UNDERSTAND THE MAGNITUDE OF THAT

CRIME AND OUR RESPONSIBILITY.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A REASON YOU NEVER SEE THIS EPISODE OF

"LASSIE."

( DOG BARKS ) >> WHAT'S THAT, GIRL?

TIMMY FELL DOWN A WELL?

AND SO DID 544 OTHER CHILDREN?

WHAT?

THEY WERE PUSHED IN THERE BY THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT?

WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME THIS?

NOW I'M SAD AND COMPLICIT IN THE CRIMES OF MY GOVERNMENT!

BAD DOG!" >> Stephen: AND TEARING THESE

CHILDREN AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS WASN'T SOME BUREAUCRATIC

OVERSIGHT.

IT WAS THE PLAN.

CRUELTY WAS THE PLAN.

ACCORDING TO A RECENT DRAFT REPORT BY THE JUSTICE

DEPARTMENT'S OWN INSPECTOR GENERAL, A TOP CULPRIT WAS THEN-

ATTORNEY GENERAL JEFF SESSIONS, WHO REPORTEDLY TOLD PROSECUTORS

AT THE BORDER, "WE NEED TO TAKE AWAY CHILDREN."

WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE GET FOR CHOOSING ATTORNEY GENERAL

RUMPELSTILTSKIN.

ANOTHER GUY COMING OUT OF THIS NOT SMELLING LIKE A ROSEN IS

FORMER DEPUTY ATTORNEY GENERAL AND MAN ASKING IF YOU'D LIKE TO

SEE HIS EROTIC STAMP COLLECTION, ROD ROSENSTEIN.

WHEN PROSECUTORS ON THE BORDER RESISTED THIS POLICY, ROSENSTEIN

TOLD THEM TO SEPARATE CHILDREN FROM THEIR PARENTS, NO MATTER

HOW YOUNG.

A LITTLE ADVICE: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU SAY IF YOU

FOLLOW IT WITH "NO MATTER HOW YOUNG," IT'S GOING TO SOUND BAD.

"I'LL HAVE THE VEAL.

NO MATTER HOW YOUNG."

"RUDY WILL MEET YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE BEDROOM.

NO MATTER HOW YOUNG."

13 DAYS.

GO VOTE.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN IS HERE.

STICK AROUND.