EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON.

>> Jon: HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON, STEPHEN?

HOW YOU DOING.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT'S ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW IS THE PASSING

OF THE GREAT EDDIE VAN HALEN.

DIED TODAY AT AGE 65.

>> Jon: YUP, THE GREAT EDDIE VAN HALEN, TRUE GENIUS, WHO WILL

ALWAYS BE HERE WITH US THROUGH HIS MUSIC.

HIS SPIRIT IS GOING TO TRANSCEND HIS LIFETIME, FOR SURE.

>> Stephen: I'LL NEVER FORGET WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD, I WENT

AND SPENT A COUPLE OF WEEKS WITH A FRIEND OF MINE IN ANOTHER

TOWN, A GUY NAMED BILL CLARK.

AND BILL SAID-- THIS IS 1979, I THINK, SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

1979.

HE GOES, "SIT DOWN, I'M GOING TO PLAY AN ALBUM CALLED "WOMEN AND

CHILDREN FIRST."

AND HE-- WE LISTENED TO VAN HALEN ONE-- HELP ME OUT.

VAN HALEN ONE, VAN HALEN TWO, "WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST."

I REMEMBER HEARING "ERUPTION" FOR THE FIRST TIME.

"RUN WITH THE DEVIL."

"JAMIE'S CRYING."

UNBELIEVABLE.

2 HE CHANGED WHAT I THOUGHT WAS POSSIBLE WITH A GUITAR.

WHAT A GENIUS.

>> Jon: HE HAD HIS OWN TECHNIQUE.

HE HAD HIS OWN SOUND.

I LOVE HEARING THOSE STORIES FROM QUINCY JONES WOULD TELL ME

ABOUT WHEN THEY WERE RECORD AGO.

>> Stephen: WAIT, QUINCY RECORDED VAN HALEN?

>> Jon: YES, OH, YES.

HE ROARED VAN HALEN, AND HE HAD A TECHNIQUE ABOUT HOW HE PLAYED

THAT HE WOULD ALWAYS COVER HIMSELF ON STAGE, BUT QUINCY GOT

A CHANCE TO SEE IT.

I LOOF THAT STUFF.

>> Stephen: I FORGOT HE WOULD TURN AWAY FOR HIS HAMMERINGS.

>> Jon: EXACTLY, EXACTLY.

HIS SOUND IS-- YOU CAN'T MATCH IT.

YOU CAN'T RECREATE THAT.

THAT'S WHAT I LOVE ABOUT THE GENIUSES OF INSTRUMENTS, LIKE

THE PIANO AND GUITAR.

IT'S THE SAME THING.

BUT THEY MAKE IT SOUND LIKE THEM.

>> Stephen: WELL, JON, WOULD YOU MIND MAKING IT SOUND LIKE

YOU AS WE GO OUT TO TALK TO MR. JERRY SEINFELD?

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,

EVERYBODY, THANK YOU, JON.

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A COMEDIAN, ACTOR, WRITER, AND PRODUCER WHO

HAS WRITTEN A NEW BOOK, "IS THIS ANYTHING?"

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," JERRY SEINFELD.

HELLO, JERRY SEINFELD.

HOW ARE YOU?

>> YOU KNOW, STEPHEN COLBERT.

HOW ARE YOU, SIR?

>> Stephen: I'M DOING OKAY.

IT'S REALLY NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

IT'S BEEN TOO LONG.

>> IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

>> Stephen: THE LAST TIME YOU YOU WERE HERE YOU SAID ONE OF

THE THINGS YOU LIKED MOST ABOUT THE SHOW IS HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IT

WAS FOR ME HOW TO GREET THE GUESTS AFTER GOING DOWN THE TWO

STEPS.

>> IT SEEMED TO BE THE ONE LITTLE PIECE OF BEHAVIOR YOU

WERE STRUGGLING WITH AS YOU WERE TRYING TO TURN YOURSELF INTO A

TALK SHOW HOST, A NORMAL PERSON.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

>> AND I JUST ALWAYS NOTICED-- BUT I DON'T THINK-- IT WASN'T

REALLY COMPLETELY YOUR FAULT.

I DON'T THINK PEOPLE LIKE THAT MOMENT.

>> Stephen: WHAT-- WHAT-- >> THERE'S A LOT OF OPTIONS AND

THERE'S A LOT OF CONFUSION.

AND NOW THERE'S EVEN MORE.

>> Stephen: RIGHT.

AND HOW DO YOU LIKE THE ZOOM?

HOW IS THE AWKWARDNESS OF THIS?

DOES THIS FEEL-- >> THIS STINKS.

IT STINKS.

YOU KNOW, WE LIKE PEOPLE.

WE WANT TO BE IN FRONT OF PEOPLE.

ALTHOUGH, YOU AND I, I THINK, ARE ENTERTAINING IN ANY FORM.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

I-- I WOULD AGREE WITH YOU.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: AS SOMEONE WHO ENJOYS AWKWARDNESS, IN THE

WORLD, NOT JUST IN THIS, IN THE WORLD DO YOU ENJOY THE

AWKWARDNESS YOU SEE WITH COVID?

BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW, LIKE, WHEN NECESSARILY TO SOCIALLY

DISTANCE OR IS THIS THE APPROPRIATE--

>> I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING I REALLY DON'T CARE FOR IS THE

LITTLE-- THAT SEEMS TO ACCOMPANY THE ELBOW ATTEMPT.

THERE'S AS YOU A LITTLE LAUGH LIKE...

>> Stephen: YES.

>> JUST EITHER DO TDON'T DO IT.

I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LAST.

DO YOU THINK THE ELBOW THING IS GOING TO LAST?

>> Stephen: NO.

>> I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO LAST.

>> Stephen: AS SOON AS THERE'S A VACCINE THERE'S GOING TO BE A

GREAT RUBBING OF PARTS IN AMERICA AGAIN.

>> YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: IT'S ALL GOING TO COME BACK OUT.

>> THERE'S YOUR NOVEL.

THERE'S YOUR NEXT NOVEL RIGHT THERE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S IT LIKE-- YOU WORK OUT YOUR MATERIAL

METICULOUSLY, LIKE IN FRONT OF A CROWD.

>> METICULOUSLY.

I LOVE IT.

>> Stephen: NO AUDIENCE, HOARE YOU WORKING ANYTHING OUT?

OR IF YOU'RE NOT WORKING IT OUT, IS IT DRIVING YOU CRAZY?

>> YOU KNOW, I'M OKAY.

I LIKE TO JUST WRITE.

WRITING IS A-- IS A-- IS A LIFE MISSION, A WAY OF LIFE.

AND, YOU KNOW, I WAS ACTUALLY JUST WRITING BEFORE I WAS-- I

WAS OVER THERE, AND NOW I'M OVER HERE.

AND, YOU KNOW, IN YOUR MIND, WHEN YOU'RE WRITING,

EVERYTHING'S GREAT.

IN YOUR MIND, ALL THE MATERIAL WORKS.

AND THEN THE AUDIENCE TELLS YOU THE TRUTH.

>> Stephen: I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT THAT, THAT, LIKE THE MOMENT I GO

DO THE MATERIAL-- BECAUSE, OBVIOUSLY, I HAVE A TEAM OF

WRITERS AND EVERYTHING-- AND I READ THE SCRIPTS AND I THINK,

"OH, MY GOD.

THAT'S PERFECT SHEET MUSIC.

ALL I CAN DO NOW IS ( BLEEP ) UP THE WAY I PLAY THE VIOLIN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I HAVE TO-- I HAVE TO ADD SOMETHING TO IT OR ELSE I SHOULD

JUST GIVE THE SHEET MUSIC TO THE AUDIENCE.

>> IS THAT THE LANGUAGE WE USE NOW?

IS THAT OKAY?

>> Stephen: YEAH, IT IS.

CBS-- CBS IS FINE.

>> REALLY?

>> Stephen: CBS IS FINE ( BLEEP ) SUCKY.

( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO COME BACK TO

BROADCAST, JERRY!

THEY'RE GETTING KILLED BY CABLE.

THEY'LL LET ME SAY ANYTHING NOW!

LAST NIGHT I SAID ( BLEEP ).

AND THEY WERE LIKE, "HILARIOUS.

JUST DO IT."

EVERY WORD OF THAT SENTENCE JUST GOT BLEPPED, I THINK,

INCLUDING-- AND ESPECIALLY ( BLEEP ).

( LAUGHTER ) I'M TIRED.

I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

I'M JUST A LITTLE TIRED.

I APOLOGIZE-- I APOLOGIZE FOR THE SALTY TALK.

I'VE BEEN SHOUTING-- I'VE BEEN SHOUTING JOKES INTO AN ALTOID

CAN AND THROWING IT OFF AN OVERPASS FOR EIGHT MONTHS NOW.

I HAVE NO IDEA IF ANYONE EVEN WATCHES THIS-- THERE'S NO THAT

HE WAS I'M NOT JUST SHOUTING THESE LITTLE--

>> I WATCH IT.

>> Stephen: YOU DO?

>> I WATCH IT.

>> Stephen: THAT'S NICE, JERRY.

>> BUT, I MEAN, IT'S SAD, IT'S SAD, IT'S SAD TO WATCH.

( LAUGHTER ).

>> Stephen: YEAH, IT'S A A KATHARTHSIS EITHER WAY.

>> I LIKE YOU AND I LIKE THE SHOW.

YOU KNOW, I WATCH IT FOR SOMEBODY I WANT TO SEE.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> AND-- BUT YOU'RE-- YOU'RE ESSENTIAL AWKWARDNESS AND

DISCOMFORT IS ALWAYS-- ALWAYS ENTERTAINS ME.

>> Stephen: OH, THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

THEN YOU MUST HAVE REALLY ENJOYED THE FIRST COUPLE OF

MONTHS OF ME DOING THIS SHOW WITHOUT AN AUDIENCE.

>> I DID, I DID GLI WOULD JUST FINISH THE SHOW, CRAWL UNDER THE

COUCH, BURY MY FACE IN A PILLOW AND GO, "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO

DO THIS."

WE HAVE TO TAKE A QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE JERRY SEINFELD.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪