LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.

HELLO, JON!

>> Jon: HELLO!

>> Stephen: HEY, I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO OUR SHOW ON TUESDAY

NIGHT.

TO JUST REMIND PEOPLE, WE'RE NOT GOING TO BE HERE ON CBS.

WE'RE GOING TO BE OVER ON SHOWTIME.

>> Jon: YES, YES, COME ON NOW, COME WITH US.

>> Stephen: 11:00.

WE'RE GOING LOBBY LIVE.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SNACKS.

TELL PEOPLE WHERE YOU'LL BE.

>> Jon: IN PHILLY, UPLIFTING SPIRITS.

COME ON, MANIFEST THE RIGHTNESS, BABY.

>> Stephen: YOU GET TO EXERCISE YOUR FRANCHISE, AND YOU

GET A FREE CONCERT.

JON BATISTE, FRIENDS.

♪ ♪ ♪ THANK YOU, JON.

>> Jon: YES, INDEED.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WITH ALL THE UNCERTAINTY IN THE

WORLD, THIS YEAR HAS BEEN INCREDIBLY STRESSFUL.

BUT IN MANY WAYS, I FEEL IT'S BROUGHT ME AND YOU, MY AUDIENCE,

CLOSER TOGETHER.

THAT'S WHY I'M FINALLY READY TO UNVEIL MY NEW SEGMENT:

♪ ♪ ♪ >> "STEPHEN COLBERT'S INTIMATE

SECRETS.

SHHHHH!" >> Stephen: WELCOME TO

"STEVEN COLBERT'S INTIMATE SECRETS."'

TONIGHT, WE EXPLORE THE TITILLATING WORLD OF BODY

MODIFICATION.

I'VE RECENTLY LEARNED THAT THE NERVE ENDINGS IN THE MALE NIPPLE

ARE NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH-- I'M SORRY, AM I GETTING A CALL?

WHO IS IT?

JON STEWART!

>> HEY, STEPHEN COLBERT.

>> Stephen: IT'S SO GREAT TO SEE YOU.

>> I'M CALLING YOU ON THE PHONE!

>> Stephen: AND WE'RE ALSO TALKING ON THE COMPUTER.

IT'S THE FUTURE, JON.

>> IT'S THE FUTURE.

THEY PROMISED THIS TO US.

>> Stephen: WE'RE DOING THE SHOW!

I ALWAYS LOVE SEEING YOU, BUT WHAT-- WHY-- WHY-- WHO TO WHAT

DO I OWE THIS?

>> FIRST OF ALL, I GET AN ALARM ON MY PHONE WHENEVER YOU START

TO UNBUTTON YOUR SHIRT.

BUT I WANTED TO CALL AND SAY TO YOU, HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, FRIEND.

>> THANK YOU.

>> I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

>> Stephen: I MISS YOU, TOO.

WHAT IS THE ANNIVERSARY WE'RE CELEBRATING, JON.

>> STEPHEN, 10 YEARS AGO, WE HAD THE RALLY.

WE HAD A BIG RALLY ON THE MALL ON WASHINGTON, D.C. IT WAS 10

YEARS AGO.

>> Stephen: RIGHT!

I ACTUALLY HAVE THE POSTER RIGHT HERE!

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

>> WHAT?

>> Stephen: I'VE GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

IT'S THIS, THIS THING "THE RALLY TO RESTORE SANITY AND/OR FEAR."

I REMEMBER THAT.

200,000 PEOPLE SHOWED UP.

WE HAD SO MANY GREAT PERFORMERS.

JEFF TWEETY, MAVIS STAPLES, OZZY OSBOURNE, SHERYL CROWE, TONY

BENNETT SANG "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!

>> WOW, WHAT A DAY IT WAS.

WE REALLY SHOWED GLENN BECK.

>> Stephen: YEAH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: REMEMBER YOUR PART WAS TO RESTORE THE SANITY.

AND I JOINED IN FOR "THE MARCH TO KEEP FEAR ALIVE."

>> YEAH, YOU... YOU WON.

>> Stephen: YES, I DID, YES, I DID.

>> IT WAS A SHUT-OUT.

>> Stephen: I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, I WAS HOPING YOU--

>> A SHELLACKING.

I HAD NO IDEA FEAR WAS THAT STRONG.

>> Stephen: WELL, I WAS HOPING YOU WOULD WIN.

>> MAN, YOU AND ME BOTH.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE COULD DO A REMATCH.

I'LL PLAN A NEW ONE.

THERE'S A NEW ANNIVERSARY RALLY COMING, MAVIS, AND TWEETY, AND

TONY BENNETT.

WE'RE ALL GOING TO COME BACK.

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH FUN WE'RE GOING GOING TO CELEBRATE

AND -- >> Stephen: JON, JON.

>> IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT AND -- >> Stephen: JON.

>> YEAH.

>> Stephen: THERE'S NO RALLY.

>> NO.

>> Stephen: JON-- >> NO, NO.

>> Stephen: JON, HOW ARE YOU?

>> I'M NOT GOOD, STEPHEN.

I'M NOT GOOD.

I'M TERRIFIED.

I'M TERRIFIED.

I'M ANXIOUS.

I'M LONELY.

I'M WISHING IT WAS 2010 AGAIN.

I JUST-- I CAN'T, THE ELECTION AND THE PANDEMIC.

HOW MUCH CANNED SOUP AND AMMUNITION CAN ONE MAN HAVE,

STEPHEN?

>> Stephen: NEVER ENOUGH, JON.

>> DO YOU REMEMBER, I CAME ON THE SHOW, IT MUST HAVE BEEN 11

DAYS AFTER TRUMP'S INAUGURATION.

>> Stephen: YEAH.

>> AND IT HAD ALREADY FELT LIKE HE HAD ALWAYS BEEN PRESIDENT.

I REMEMBER SAYING, "THE PRESIDENCY IS SUPPOSED TO AGE

THE PRESIDENT, AND NOT THE PEOPLE."

>> Stephen: I DO REMEMBER.

I DO REMEMBER THAT.

>> DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG AGO THAT WAS?

>> Stephen: UHM...

>> 2 STON YEARS, STEPHEN.

IT WAS 271 -- >> Stephen: CAN WE CHECK THAT

OUT?

MY FACT-CHECKER SAYS THAT'S TRUE.

JON, WE'VE GOT-- YOU CAN FEEL BETTER BECAUSE WE'VE GOT THE

ELECTION JUST FOUR DAYS FROM NOW.

>> I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN.

I WANT TO KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER WE HAVE TO KEEP GOING THROUGH

THIS, WHERE WE ARE IN THIS-- IN THIS MARATHON.

YOU KNOW?

IS IT ON ELECTION DAY, ARE WE AT THE HEARTBREAK HILL?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT-- ALL THAT EFFORT AND ALL THAT RESILIENCE IS ABOUT TO PAY

OFF?

WE'RE GOING TO CROSS THE FINISH LINE AND FINALLY BE ABLE TO

EXHALE.

OR IS THIS THE, YOU KNOW, HALF-WAY POINT, THE 13-MILE

MARK, AND WHEN MY NIPPLES WILL STOP BLEEDING.

THESE ARE-- THESE ARE QUESTIONS I NEED TO KNOW, STEPHEN.

>> Stephen: WELL, AS FOR WHERE WE ARE, THAT DEPENDS.

WHAT'S YOUR FINISH LINE?

>> THE FINISH LINE FOR ME IS-- IS THIS MAN NOT BEING PRESIDENT

ANYMORE AND 1,000 PEOPLE NOT DYING EVERY DAY FROM A DISEASE

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND STILL.

>> Stephen: OH, SO THE FINISH LINE IS YOUR FINISH LINE.

>> YES.

>> Stephen: OKAY WELL-- >> THE FINISH LINE IS THE FINISH

LINE!

GLI UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND.

I GET-- I GET IT NOW.

I DON'T-- I DON'T KNOW FOR CERTAIN, BUT I KNOW THAT WE'LL

KNOW ON TUESDAY.

>> WILL WE, STEPHEN, WILL WE.

>> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW!

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE'LL KNOW!

>> WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE'LL KNOW ONED IT.

AND FOR GOD'S SAKE IF AN ASTEROID DOESN'T HIT US MONDAY

BECAUSE IT'S BEEN THAT KIND OF ( BLEEP ) YEAR.

>> Stephen: THERE IS-- BY THE WAY, YOU CAN'T SAY ( BLEEP ) ON

CBS.

I KNOW YOU HAVE THE NEW DEAL WITH APPLE, AND YOU CAN SAY

ANYTHING YOU WANT OVER THERE?

>> THAT'S ONLY ON PEOPLE'S IPOD S.

>> Stephen: THE ORIGINAL IPOD WITH THE SCROLL WHEEL?

THERE'S ACTUALLY AN ASTEROID COMING ON MONDAY.

THAT'S NOT MADE UP.

THERE IS ACTUALLY AN ASTEROID BUZZING BY THE PLANET ON MONDAY.

I'M GOING TO TALK TO MY GUEST NEIL deGRASSE TYSON.

>> IS THAT TRUE?

>> Stephen: THAT'S ACTUALLY TRUE.

>> I WAS MET FOR EXAMPLE.

I WAS BEING MET FOR EXAMPLE.

>> Stephen: JUDGE JON, IT'S 2020.

ALL METAPHORS ARE REAL NOW.

>> DID YOU EVER IMAGINE IN YOUR WILDEST DREAMS THAT THIS WOULD

BE LIFE.

>> Stephen: NO, I DID-- AND I READ A LOT OF SCIENCE FICTION.

I READ-- >> SEE, THAT'S--

>> Stephen: A LOT OF DISTONIANS.

AND I NEVER KNEW HOW STUPID OUR LEADERS WOULD BE.

>> DO YOU KNOW HOW JACKED UP ON SOMA I AM RIGHT NOW?

BUT THIS IS WHY-- AND THIS IS WHAT THE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT

STEPHEN COLBERT.

THIS IS WHERE I LOOK TO YOU, BECAUSE YOUR FRAME OF REFERENCE,

YOU GO FROM BIBLICAL EDENS TO DISTONIAN FUTURES AND YOU HAVE

THE WHOLE BREADTH OF THAT CONTINUUM AT YOUR PHOTOGRAPHIC

MEMORY AND MINDSET, SO I ASK YOU NOW, STEPHEN, IS IT GOING TO BE

OKAY?

>> Stephen: OF COURSE.

>> AND YOU CAN GIVE ME SOMETHING FROM THAT-- FROM THAT ROLE BEX

-- >> Stephen: YES.

>> "LORD OF THE RINGS."

GIVE ME "LORD OF THE RINGS."

>> Stephen: I ALWAYS HAVE "LORD OF THE RINGS."

WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS"?

DO YOU WANT SOMETHING HOPEFUL FROM "LORD OF THE RINGS"?

>> YES, GIVES ME SOMETHING THAT BEARS OUT RESILIENCE.

>> Stephen: GIVE ME A SECOND.

I'M GOING THROUGH THE OLD TOL KIN OCCIP TOL ROLODEX HERE, DARK

TIMES BUT HOPEFUL.

GOT IT.

>> COME ON, COME ON, BABY.

>> Stephen: RETURN OF THE KING.

OVER THE MOUNTAINS OF SHADOW, THEY'RE ON THE PLANE OF

GORGOGORRING ON THE.

>> I KNOW WHAT THE PLAIN OF GORGOROTH IS, STEPHEN.

I'M FROM NEW JERSEY.

YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT.

FRODO IS PASSED OUT FROM THE STRESS OF RINGS.

HE CAN BARELY DRAG HIMSELF FORWARD.

AND SAM IS LOOKING OVER HIM.

AND HE'S THERE AT NIGHT, AND THEY'RE HIDING LIKE IN A LITTLE

CRATER ON THE PLANE, AND SAM LOOKS UP AT THE SKY, AND

TOLKIEN, RIGHT THERE, PEEPING, AMONG THE CLOUD RACK, ABOVE THE

DARK TOR, SAM SAW A WHITE STAR TWINKLE FOR A WHILE.

THE BEAUTY OF IT SMOTE HIS HEART, AS HE LOOKED UP OUT OF

THE FORSAKEN LAND, AND HOPE RETURNED TO HIM.

FOR LIKE A SHAFT, CLEAR AND COLD, THE THOUGHT PIERCED HIM

THAT IN THE END, THE SHADOW WAS ONLY A SMALL AND PASSING THING:

THERE WAS LIGHT AND HIGH BEAUTY FOR EVER BEYOND ITS REACH."

>> OH, MY GOD.

THATS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

I'M GOING TO CRY.

I WAS LIKE YOU'RE MY DOLLY PARTON.

YOU'RE GOING IT MAKE ME CRY WITH THAT.

WHAT IS THE RING IN THAT METAPHOR?

>> Stephen: YOUR ANXIETY.

YOUR ANXIETY.

>> BECAUSE I WAS PRETTY SURE MY IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME IS THE

RING.

>> Stephen: NO, THAT'S THE VOLCANO.

ANYWAY, JON, THIS HAS BEEN GREAT.

I GOT NEIL TYSON IN THE WINGS.

I HAVE TO GO GOING.

THANK YOU, THOUGH.

HEY, HAPPY-- HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MAN.

>> HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO YOU.

OH, MAN.

>> Stephen: I WOULD DO IT AGAIN IN A MINUTE.

AND THE MINUTE IT'S SAFE TO HOLD RALLIES AGAIN.

I LOVE YOU.

>> I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER DO IT AGAIN, BUT I REALLY ENJOY THAT

SENTIMENT.

>> Stephen: YEAH, ME, EITHER.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE NICE.

>> HELLO, FELLAS.

>> Stephen: TONY BENNETT!

>> Jon: TONY!

>> ♪ OH BEAUTIFUL ♪ FOR SPACIOUS SKIES

>> WE'RE NOT DOING IT, TONY.

WE'RE NOT DOING THE 10-YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

>> 10 YEARS?

REALLY?

NO WONDER YOU LOOK SO OLD!

>> Stephen: JON STEWART AND TONY BENNETT, EVERYBODY!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NEIL deGRASSE TYSON TO TALK ABOUT

THAT ASTEROID!