IT IS 11:35 EAST COAST TIME, AND CBS IS READY TO PROJECT THAT I

AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

THOUGH THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO

CHALLENGE THAT IN COURT.

AND 24 HOURS LATER, WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE WINNER OF THE

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

>> I WIN!

I WIN!

I WIN!

>> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!

GO!

MORE ON THAT LATER.

AS YOU CAN SEE, I AM STILL ON THE ELECTION SET, BECAUSE THE

ELECTION'S STILL GOING ON.

AS WE KNEW IT WOULD.

WE PLANNED TO KEEP THIS SET UP FOR DAYS, BECAUSE, COVID.

IT'S GOING TO TAKE A WHILE TO COUNT ALL THE VOTES!

AND IT'S ALL COMING DOWN TO A FEW STATES WHERE THEY'RE STILL

COUNTING VOTES IN NORTH CAROLINA, GEORGIA, NEVADA, AND

PENNSYLVANIA-- A HYBRID MIX OF THE SUN BELT AND THE RUST BELT

THAT I'M CALLING THE "DOES ANYONE HAVE A XANAX BELT."

BUT THERE IS SOME BIG NEWS.

TODAY, WE GOT A CALL ON ONE OF THE SWING STATES, WISCONSIN, A

STATE TRUMP BEAT HILLARY CLINTON IN BY A MERE 22,000

VOTES BACK IN 2016.

OH, MY, HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED, BECAUSE WE CAN NOW CONFIRM, JOE

BIDEN HAS WON WISCONSIN.

WOOOO!

THE CHEESEHEADS ARE NOW OFFICIALLY BLUE-CHEESEHEADS.

SO THEY SMELL WEIRD BUT TASTE GREAT CRUMBLED ON A SALAD,

MAYBE WITH A POACHED PEAR, A LITTLE CANDIED WALNUT.

BASED ON THE CURRENT COUNT, BIDEN IS AHEAD BY OVER 20,000

VOTES, OR ONE WYOMING.

THAT'S REALLY GOT TO STING, BECAUSE TRUMP HAS CONTINUED TO

MAKE SUCH A DEAL ABOUT WINNING WISCONSIN BACK IN 2016.

>> REMEMBER WHEN THEY SAY, "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE

OF WISCONSIN"?

WAS THAT A GREAT EVENING, OR WHAT?

"DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF WISCONSIN."

OUT OF THE BLUE COMES "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF

WISCONSIN."

( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) REMEMBER THAT?

THEY SAID, "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF WISCONSIN."

THAT WAS A VERY PRETTY SOUND.

AND THAT WAS IT.

THAT WAS IT.

YOU WERE THE ONE.

YOU GOT US OVER THE TOP.

YOU BETTER DO IT AGAIN.

>> Stephen: AND, JUST LIKE THAT WISCONSIN IS GONE, JUST LIKE A

CANDLE IN THE WIND, OR A CHICKEN NUGGET, IN YOUR GENERAL

VICINITY.

TRUMP PUT A LOT OF EFFORT INTO THIS STATE.

BACK IN OCTOBER, HE APPEARED AT A RALLY IN GREEN BAY WITH

QUARTERBACK BRETT FAVRE.

SADLY, IT WASN'T THE FIRST TIME FAVRE HAD LET FANS DOWN BY BEING

CAUGHT ON CAMERA WITH HIS DICTATOR OUT.

YOU CAN GOOGLE IT, BUT I WOULDN'T.

TRUMP'S MISHANDLING OF THE VIRUS MAY HAVE PLAYED A LARGE PART IN

BIDEN'S WIN, BECAUSE RECENTLY, WISCONSIN HAS BECOME A COVID-19

HOTSPOT.

BUT WITH THIS WIN, DEMOCRATS ACROSS THE COUNTRY CAN BREATHE A

LITTLE EASIER-- EXCEPT FOR THE ONES IN WISCONSIN BECAUSE,

AGAIN, IT'S A COVID-19 HOTSPOT.

AND THEN THIS AFTERNOON, THE GREAT STATE OF MICHIGAN WAS

CALLED FOR JOE BIDEN.

NOW, IF YOU THINK ABOUT MICHIGAN AS A HAND, BIDEN TOOK AWAY VOTES

FROM TRUMP IN THESE AREAS, OKAY.

AND FINALLY-- WHAT?

HUH?

LET'S SAY HE FLIPPED THE STATE.

WITH THINGS TRENDING IN HIS FAVOR, JOE BIDEN CAME OUT THIS

AFTERNOON AND WAS A GROWNUP: >> EVERY VOTE MUST BE COUNTED.

NO ONE IS GOING TO TAKE OUR DEMOCRACY AWAY FROM US, NOT NOW,

NOT EVER.

AMERICA HAS COME TOO FAR.

AMERICA HAS FOUGHT TOO MANY BATTLES.

AMERICA HAS ENDURED TOO MUCH TO EVER LET THAT HAPPEN.

WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT BE SILENCED.

WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT BE BULLIED.

WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT SURRENDER.

>> Stephen: YES!

WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL NOT SURRENDER!

WE, THE PEOPLE, WILL JUST DOOM-SCROLL ON TWITTER UNTIL WE

FREAK OUT AND STRESS EAT ALL OUR KIDS' HALLOWEEN CANDY!

I KNOW THERE'S MORE THREE MUSKETEERS, JOHN!

AFTER ALL THAT GOOD NEWS FOR BIDEN, IN A MOVE THAT JUST REEKS

OF DESPERATION AND CHEAP COLOGNE, WITH A MILLION VOTES

STILL UNCOUNTED, TRUMP'S CAMPAIGN MANAGER CAME OUT OF THE

BLUE TO ANNOUNCE, "WE ARE DECLARING A VICTORY IN

PENNSYLVANIA."

BOLD!

AND I FULLY EXPECT HIS VICTORY IN PENNSYLVANIA TO BE JUST AS

SUCCESSFUL AS HIS VICTORY OVER CORONAVIRUS.

GOSH, I HOPE HIS ANNOUNCEMENT DOESN'T OVERSHADOW ME DECLARING

MYSELF "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE'S "SEXIEST MAN ALIVE."

( LAUGHTER ) I SENSED A POWER VACUUM.

IN THE SEXY SPHERE.

I'M COMING FOR YOU, McCONAUGHEY.

ONE REASON FOR THE DELAY IN THE OTHER STATES IS THE MASSIVE

AMOUNTS OF MAIL-IN BALLOTS.

AND THOSE LAST BALLOTS TO BE COUNTED APPEAR TO BE LARGELY FOR

BIDEN.

EARLY ON, THINGS HAD LOOKED PRETTY GOOD FOR TRUMP.

WE HAD BEEN WARNED THIS WOULD HAPPEN, IN WHAT EXPERTS CALLED A

"RED MIRAGE"-- WHICH IS EITHER THE CHARACTER ELIZABETH OLSEN

PLAYS IN THE MARVEL MOVIES, OR PUTIN'S CODE NAME FOR TRUMP.

NOW, I KNOW IT'S HARD TO WAIT FOR NEVADA AND PENNSYLVANIA

RESULTS, BUT JUST 24 HOURS OF WAITING HAS GIVEN BIDEN ARIZONA

AND WISCONSIN.

AND MICHIGAN.

SO, I'VE JUST GOT ONE BIT OF ADVICE:

>> JUST PLAY IT COOL, BOY.

>> WHAT'S FONZIE LIKE?

>> COOL.

>> WHAT?

>> COOL.

>> CORRECTOMUNDO.

>>ATTEMPT TO BE COOL.

>> ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, CHILL.

>> Stephen: THAT'S BIPARTISAN ADVICE.

THAT LAST GUY'S A REPUBLICAN.

THANK YOU, DOCTOR.

IF COVID HAS TAUGHT US NOTHING, IT'S THAT PATIENCE IS VALUABLE.

REMEMBER WHEN THE PANDEMIC STARTED, A TRIP TO THE GROCERY

STORE WOULD LAST EIGHT HOURS BECAUSE YOU HAD TO WIPE DOWN

EVERY SINGLE GRAPE BEFORE YOU PUT THEM IN THE REFRIGERATOR?

THIS IS THE SAME THING.

WE'RE WIPING DOWN EVERY SINGLE BALLOT BEFORE WE PUT THEM IN

AMERICA'S FRIDGE.

AND, HOPEFULLY, WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WE'LL END UP THROWING OUT

THAT SPOILED HAM WE BOUGHT FOUR YEARS AGO.

SO WAITING IS CLEARLY THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

OF COURSE, ONE PERSON WHO ALWAYS FAILS THE MARSHMALLOW TEST IS

DONALD TRUMP, BECAUSE LAST NIGHT AT 12:45 A.M., WITH MILLIONS OF

BALLOTS UNCOUNTED AND BIDEN AHEAD IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE

AND THE POPULAR VOTE, TRUMP TWEETED, "WE ARE WINNING BIG,

BUT THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.

WE WILL NEVER LET THEM DO IT.

VOTES CANNOT BE CAST AFTER THE POLES ARE CLOSED!"

FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LITERALLY NOT WINNING.

SECOND, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU MEAN THAT SPELLING OF POLES.

( AS TRUMP ) "I HATE IT WHEN THE POLES CLOSE.

ALL THE DANCERS LEAVE THE STAGE, AND YOU'RE LEFT ALONE, TOTALLY

BROKE, COVERED IN GLITTER AND SPITTLE.

GOD, I MISS THOSE GIRLS, ESPECIALLY MY FAVORITE STRIPPER

OF THEM ALL: RED MIRAGE!" ( LAUGHTER )

SO, THAT'S NOT GOOD.

BUT, YOU KNOW, TWEET SCHMEET.

IT'S NOT LIKE RIGHT AFTER MIDNIGHT HE MARCHED INTO THE

EAST ROOM AND DECLARED VICTORY AND SAID "STOP COUNTING."

HE WAITED UNTIL 2:00 A.M. FOR THAT.

>> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN THIS ELECTION.

FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS ELECTION.

>> Stephen: THERE IT IS: A POWER GRAB BY A TERRIFIED

STRONGMAN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.

CLASSIC.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING 2:00 A.M. IS KNOWN FOR, IT'S DESPERATE MOVES

BY SAD LITTLE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID TO GO HOME FEELING LIKE A LOSER.

NOW, THE MINUTE HE OPENED WHAT I LEGALLY HAVE TO CALL HIS MOUTH,

EVERYONE KNEW THIS BEHAVIOR WAS WRONG AND UN-AMERICAN.

AND NOT JUST DEMOCRATS.

TRUMP WAS CONDEMNED BY FOLKS LIKE CHRIS WALLACE, RICK

SANTORUM, AND CHRIS CHRISTIE.

THESE PEOPLE ARE HARDLY LIBERALS.

FOR PETE'S SAKE, CHRIS CHRISTIE HAS STOOD BY YOU THROUGH THICK

AND THIN.

IN FACT, HE STOOD SO CLOSE BY YOU THAT YOU NEARLY KILLED HIM

WITH COVID!

THEN, OL' TATER DICK PUT THE "DICK" IN "TATOR," WHEN HE

THREATENED TO END THE VOTE COUNT.

>> SO WE WILL BE GOING TO THE U.S. SUPREME COURT.

WE WANT ALL VOTING TO STOP.

WE DON'T WANT THEM TO FIND ANY BALLOTS AT 4:00 IN THE MORNING

AND ADD THEM TO THE LIST, OKAY?

( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FIRST OF ALL, I

DON'T KNOW WHY I NEED TO SAY THIS TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE

UNITED STATES, BUT THEY'RE NOT FINDING THEM.

THEY'RE COUNTING THEM.

IF YOU RECITE THE NUMBERS ONE THROUGH TEN, YOU DON'T FIND THE

NUMBER SEVEN!

YOU COUNT TO IT, PASS IT, THEN KEEP COUNTING, AND REALIZE THAT

OH, YEAH, BIDEN CLEARLY WON WISCONSIN.

PLUS, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES CAN'T ASK FOR

VOTING TO STOP.

HE'S ONLY THE PRESIDENT BECAUSE OF VOTING.

VOTING IS AMERICA'S WHOLE THING.

THAT'S LIKE ARBY'S CHANGING THEIR SLOGAN TO "WE MUST STOP

THE MEATS!" ( LAUGHTER )

THEY REALLY-- THEY REALLY MUST, BY THE WAY.

THERE ARE LIMITS.

( LAUGHTER ) THERE ARE LIMITS TO EVEN

AMERICA'S MEAT NEEDS.

I BEG YOU, ARBIES.

DON'T MAKE US TAKE YOU UP BEFORE THE HAGUE.

AFTER GOING FULL FRONTAL FASCIST, TRUMP WENT FULL WHINY

BABY.

>> WE WERE GETTING READY FOR A BIG CELEBRATION.

WE WERE WINNING EVERYTHING, AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT WAS JUST

CALLED OFF.

LITERALLY, WE WERE JUST ALL SET TO GET OUTSIDE AND JUST

CELEBRATE SOMETHING THAT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL, SO GOOD.

>> Stephen: SO BEAUTIFUL, SO GOOD?

WELL, YOU WERE CELEBRATING THE OTTERS WHO HOLD HANDS WHILE THEY

SLEEP?

( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE I'D VOTE FOR THAT.

YOU MIGHT THINK ALL THAT WAS JUST THE ACT OF A TWEAKED-OUT

MANIAC COMING OFF HIS DEXY, UNTIL THIS AFTERNOON, WHEN HE

PUT HIS MUSSOLINI WHERE HIS MOUTH IS, AND HIS CAMPAIGN SAID

IT WOULD SUE TO STOP MICHIGAN AND PENNSYLVANIA'S BALLOT

COUNTS.

SO IF YOU'RE KEEPING TRACK, TRUMP IS NOW TRYING TO OBSTRUCT

THE COUNT IN...

I'M SORRY, I'M BEING TOLD THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS SUING TO STOP

US COUNTING THE NUMBER OF STATES THEY ARE SUING TO STOP THE COUNT

IN.

OKAY, AND THAT THIS IS-- I HAVE NOTHING IN MY EAR.

THIS IS JUST MY HAND.

OKAY.

I HAVE SOMETHING HERE, BUT I TOOK IT OUT, BECAUSE CHRIS IS

TRYING TO CONTROL ME LUKE A PUPPET.

( LAUGHTER ) IT'S A LONG STORY BEHIND IT.

LET'S EARN IT.

BY THE WAY, EVY IS HERE.

EVY IS HERE, EVERYBODY.

THERE YOU GO.

THAT'S WHY I'M IN A GOOD MOOD TONIGHT.

NO OTHER REASON.

HERE'S SOME OTHER RESULTS I CAN TELL YOU.

AS USUAL, THE STATE THAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS WAS FLORIDA.

EVERY FOUR YEARS, DEMOCRATS HOPE THEY'LL TAKE IT.

BUT ONCE AGAIN, LAST NIGHT, FLORIDA WAS CALLED FOR DONALD

TRUMP.

FLORIDA IS OFICIALLY AMERICA'S CHEATING BOYFRIEND.

WHY DO WE ALWAYS THINK WE CAN CHANGE HIM?

DEMOCRATS ALSO HAD HIGH HOPES FOR FLIPPING TEXAS, WHICH WOULD

HAVE BEEN QUITE A FEAT.

TEXAS HASN'T GONE FOR THE DEMOCRAT SINCE JIMMY CARTER BACK

IN 1976.

AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN REALLY WANT TO VOTE FOR HIM, BUT THEY HAD TO

AFTER HE ATE THAT 72-OUNCE STEAK.

THAT'S THE RULES.

WELL, LAST NIGHT, TEXAS REMAINED TEXAS, BECAUSE IT WAS CALLED FOR

DONALD TRUMP.

EVEN AFTER HE BUNGLED THE CORONAVIRUS.

TEXAS MAY "REMEMBER THE ALAMO" BUT, APPARENTLY, THEY HAVE

"FORGOTTEN THE 230,000."

WYOMING WAS A BIT OF A SHOCKER FOR ANYBODY WHO HAS NEVER BEEN

TO WYOMING.

FOR THE REST OF US, WE SAW IT COMING WHEN IT WENT DONALD

TRUMP.