WELCOME TO THE LATE LATE SHOW.

歡迎來到 "深夜秀"。

I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD THURSDAY.

我希望你有一個良好的週四。

HERE WE ARE.

我們在這裡。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: YOU KNOW, TWO

[笑] >> 詹姆斯。你知道，兩個

FULL DAYS LATER, AND AS OF OUR TAPING THIS AFTERNOON,

整整一天後，和我們的錄音今天下午，

RIGHT NOW, STILL NO WINNER HAS BEEN DECLARED IN THE

現在，仍然沒有贏家被宣佈為在 "中國"。

PRESIDENTIAL RACE.

主席競選：

VOTES ARE STILL BEING COUNTED.

選票仍在統計中。

NEW NUMBERS ARE COMING EN. IN.

新的數字正在到來的EN。在。

>>> HONESTLY, I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW IN THE WEEDS I

>>> 老實說，我無法相信我是如何在雜草，

AM IN ON THIS.

我在這。

I THOUGHT, I HOPE I CAN GET MORE VOTES THAN TRUMP.

我想，我希望我能得到比川普更多的選票。

AND NOW I'M FEELING GOOD, ABOUT THE MAIL-IN VOTES

現在我感覺很好，關於郵寄投票的事。

FROM SUBURBAN PENNSYLVANIA.

來自賓夕法尼亞州的郊區。

IT IS GOING TO COME DOWN TO ARIZONA AND COOK

它要來亞利桑那州做飯。

COUNTY.

縣：

I CAN TELL YOU, THE WHOLE WAY.

我可以告訴你，整個過程。

REG, HAVE YOU BEEN ABLE TO STAY AS ZEN THROUGH THIS

REG，你能不能在這期間保持禪意？

AS YOU WERE ON ELECTION NIGHT?

就像你在選舉當晚一樣?

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

I JUST PRETEND I'M IN ANOTHER TIME PERIOD.

我只是假裝我在另一個時代的時期。

>> James: YEAH.

>> 詹姆斯。YEAH.

>> IT IS JUST ANOTHER REGULAR DAY.

>> 這只是一個普通的日子。

>> James: THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO DO IT BECAUSE

>> 詹姆斯。這就是正確的方法，因為。

THERE IS SOMET NOTHING WE CAN DO.

我們什麼都做不了。

REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE EQUATION.

把你自己從方程中刪除。

YOU'LL FIND OUT WHO WON.

你會知道誰贏了。

>> THAT'S TRUE.

>> 這是真的。

>> James: TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE'LL BE TALKING TO

>> 詹姆斯：今晚的節目中，我們會跟

THE ALWAYS BRILLIANT TIG NOTARO, AND WE HAVE A

總是很好的TIG NOTARO，我們有一個。

PERFORMANCE FROM CHRISTINE AND THE QUEENS.

克里斯汀和皇后樂隊的表演：

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED

我們不知道誰是下一任美國總統。

STATES WILL BE.

國家將是。

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM.

我不知道我在哪裡。

I NEED TO KNOW WHERE I'M GOING TO BE.

我需要知道我要去哪裡。

AM I GOING TO BE ANGRY FOR THE NEXT FOUR YEARS OR

我是否會在接下來的四年裡生氣呢？

JUST YES, SURE, WHATEVER.

只是是的，肯定的，什麼的。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: EVERYBODY

[笑] >> 詹姆斯：每個人

AROUND ME JUST SEEMS TO DIGGING THROUGH POLLING

在我周圍似乎只是挖通過民意調查。

STATE WEBSITES FOR INFO.

州級網站資訊：

I FEEL ESPECIALLY SORRY FOR HUNTER BIDEN.

我為獵人比登感到特別遺憾。

HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A LAPTOP ANYMORE.

他甚至沒有一個筆記本電腦了。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: WE'RE STILL

[笑] >> 詹姆斯：我們仍然

WAITING FOR RESULTS FROM A HANDFUL OF KEY STATES,

等待一些關鍵國家的結果。

INCLUDING NEVADA, A STATE WHICH COULD POSSIBLY PUT

包括內華達州，一個有可能將其納入國家發展計劃的州。

BIDEN OVER THE TOP.

BIDEN OVER THE TOP。

NEVADA AS ALL-NIGHT CASINOS AND ALL-NIGHT

內華達州作為通宵娛樂場和通宵營業的地方。

WEDDING CHAPELS, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO COUNTING

婚禮禮堂，但當它來計算的時候

VOTES, LET'S ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AND

投票，讓我們都得到一個良好的夜間睡眠和。

COME BACK TOMORROW.

明天再來。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: I'VE ONLY BEEN

[笑] >> 詹姆斯。我只去過

IN THIS COUNTRY A SHORT TIME, I'M CERTAINLY NO

在這個國家的一個短的時間，我肯定不

EXPERT ON HISTORY, BUT THIS REMINDS ME OF

專家對歷史，但這讓我想起了。

CONTENTIOUS ELECTION IN 1876BETWEEN SAMUEL TILDEN

在1876年的持續選舉中，在薩繆爾-蒂爾登之間。

AND RUTHERFORD B. HAYES.

和RUTHERFORD B. HAYES。

WE ALL KNOW HOW MESSY THAT GOT.

我們都知道那是多麼的混亂。

REGARDLESS OF THE OUTCOME, IT HAS BEEN AN HISTORY RIC

無論結果如何，這都是一段歷史。

ELECTION.

選舉：

IS JOE BIDEN HAS RECEIVED MORE VOTES THAN ANY OTHER

喬-比登獲得的選票比其他任何一個人都多。

PRESIDENT IN ALL OF HISTORY.

在所有歷史上的總統。

BUT BEFORE HE GETS TOO COCKY, REMEMBER WE HAVEN'T

但在他太過狂熱之前，請記住，我們還沒有。

COUNTED ALL OF KANYE'S BOOKS.

算出了所有KANYE的書。

AND THIS EVENING, AS WE WERE STARTING TO TAPE THE

而這個晚上，當我們開始錄影的時候。

SHOW, THE PRESIDENT SPOKE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE,

節目中，總統在白宮講話。

WHERE HE OPENED WITH THIS JAW-DROPPING STATEMENT.

他在哪裡用這句話開場，這句話讓人大跌眼鏡。

>> President Trump: IF YOU COUNT THE LEGAL VOTES,

>> 特朗普總統：如果你算上合法的選票，

I EASILY WIN.

我很容易贏。

IF YOU COUNT THE ILLEGAL VOTES, THEY CAN TRY TO

如果你算上非法的選票，他們就會試圖... ...

STEAL THE ELECTION FROM US.

從我們這裡偷走了選舉。

>> James: I MEAN, TRUMP HASN'T EVEN LOST YET.

>> 詹姆斯。我的意思是，特朗普還沒輸呢。

THIS IS HIM JUST WARMING UP.

這是他剛剛熱身。

LIKE IF THIS WAS AN '80s ACTION MOVIE, THAT SPEECH

就像如果這是一個80年代的動作電影，該演講。

SHOULD BE THE PART WHERE THE BAD GUY SUDDENLY

應該是那個壞蛋偷偷摸摸的部分。

REALIZES HE IS SURPEDED SURROUNDED,AND HE TAKES A HUMAN

認識到他是被包圍的，他採取了一個人的。

SHIELD AND SAYS, I'M WALKING OUT HERE ONE WAY

神盾局說："我只走一條路

OR THE OTHER.

或其他。

THE WHOLE THING WAS RIDICULOUSLY TROUBLED.

整個事情都是可笑的麻煩。

>> President Trump: AS YOU KNOW, I'VE CLAIMED

>> 特朗普總統：如你所知，我已經宣稱

CERTAIN STATES, AND HE IS CLAIMING STATES, BUT

某些國家，而他聲稱是國家，但......。

ULTIMATELY I HAVE THE FEELING THAT JUDGES ARE

最終我有一種感覺，法官是

GOING TO HAVE TO RULE.

將不得不統治。

THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF SHENANIGANS, AND WE CAN'T

已經有很多神奈川，而我們不能

STAND FOR THAT IN OUR COUNTRY.

站在我們國家的立場上。

>> James: THE ONLY PERSON WHO SHOULD LEGALLY

>> 詹姆斯：唯一一個應該合法的人。

BE ALLOWED TO USE THE WORD SHENANIGANS IS JOE BIDEN.

允許使用 "SHENANIGANS "這個詞是喬-比登。

UNDER THE MALARKEY CLAUSE OF 2020.

根據2020年《馬拉基條款》，

WHEN LAUNCHING A FULL-SCALE ASSAULT ON THE

當發起全面的攻擊時。

DEMOCRATIC VOTING PROCESS, ALWAYS GOOD TO THROW A

民主投票程序，投個票總是好的。

FOLKSY WORD IN THERE.

在那裡的FOLKSY字。

IT MAKES THE WHOLE THING A BIT MORE PALATABLE.

這讓整個事情變得更加平易近人。

SHENANIGANS, AS TRUMP IS SAYING THIS THAT JOE BIDEN

SHENANANIGANS，因為特朗普說這喬比登

IS TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION BY DING-DONGING

試圖通過 "叮咚 "來竊取選舉。

THE WHITE HOUSE.

白宮：

AND I THINK THIS IS IMPORTANT, THOSE PEOPLE

我想這是很重要的，這些人。

FROM CNN, WHICH IS THE ONLY NETWORK THAT CARRIED

從美國有線電視新聞網，這是唯一的電視網，進行了

THE PRESIDENT'S SPEECH.

主席的講話：

CBS, NBC, AND ABC REFUSED TO AIR THE SPEECH BECAUSE

CBS，NBC和ABC拒絕播放演講，因為

IT WAS SO FULL OF MISLEADING INFORMATION.

它充滿了誤導性的資訊。

I DON'T IF I'VE EVER EVEN HEARD OF SOMETHING LIKE

我不知道，如果我曾經聽說過這樣的事

THAT.

那。

HAVE YOU, IAN?

你呢，IAN？

>> NO.

>> NO.

THAT'S THE FIRST FOR ME.

這是我的第一次。

>> James: WHAT WE'RE SAYING IS THAT THE NETWORK

>> 詹姆斯。我們要說的是，這個網絡...

THAT AIRS THE BACHELORETTE THINKS THE PRESIDENT'S

那位女教師認為總統的名字是

SPEECH WAS BENEATH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.

講話是美國人民的權利。

THERE IS A PERFECT PHOTO IN THE PRESS ROOM, LOOK AT

新聞發佈室裡有一張完美的照片，你看

THIS, IT IS DONALD TRUMP WITH AN EXIT SIGN.

這，這是唐納德・特朗普與退出標誌。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: NOW THAT'S

[笑] >> 詹姆斯。現在這就是

SHENANIGANS.

SHENANIGANS。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: YOU KNOW

[笑] >> 詹姆斯。你知道

THINGS ARE GOING BAD WHEN EVEN THE PRESS ROOM'S FURN

連新聞發佈室的傢俱都在變壞了

FURNISHINGS ARE ROASTING YOU.

FURNISHINGS在烤你。

TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN ARIZONA AND MICHIGAN WERE

亞利桑那州和密歇根州的特朗普支持者被。

OUT THERE LAST NIGHT SAYING...WELL, EVERYTHING.

昨晚在外面說，...好吧，所有的事情。

>> COUNT THE VOTES!

>> 計票！

>> COUNT THE VOTES!

>> 計票！

[YELLING] >> James: I'M JUST GLAD

[大叫] >> 詹姆斯。我只是高興

EVERYONE IS ON THE SAME PAGE, YOU KNOW?

大家都在同一條船上，你知道嗎？

BY THE WAY, THOSE TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN ARIZONA WERE

順便說一下，那些在亞利桑那州的特朗普支持者是。

ALSO ANGRY AT FOX NEWS BECAUSE THE NETWORK HAD

還對福克斯新聞感到憤怒，因為該網絡有。

CALLED THE STATE FOR JOE BIDEN ON ELECTION NIGHT.

在選舉夜為喬-比登打了電話。

AT ONE POINT THEY STARTED SHOUTING SHAME ON FOX.

有一次，他們開始大喊福克斯的恥辱。

>> SHAME ON FOX!

>> 羞辱福克斯！

SHAME ON FOX!

恥於福克斯！

SHAME ON FOX!

恥於福克斯！

>> James: JOKES ON THEM BECAUSE NO ONE AT FOX NEWS

>> 詹姆斯。因為沒有人在福克斯新聞。

HAS AN OUNCE OF SHAME.

有一盎司的恥辱。

SHAME ON FOX.

恥辱福克斯。

STOP THE COUNT.

停止計數。

HONESTLY, THIS IS STARTING TO SOUND MORE LIKE A

老實說，這開始聽起來更像一個。

TERRIBLE SERIES OF CHILDREN'S BOOKS.

糟糕的兒童書籍系列。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: COME ON NOW,

[笑] >> 詹姆斯。來吧，現在。

WE'RE GOING TO READ "STOP THE COUNT."

我們要去讀 "停止計數"。

ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO READ "COUNT THE VOTES,"

好吧，你想讀 "計票"。

FINE.

好的。

"SHAME ON FOX," YEAH, WE CAN READ "SHAME ON FOX."

"恥辱福克斯"，是的，我們可以閱讀 "恥辱福克斯"。

IAN, WHAT ARE REPUBLICANS GOING TO WATCH IF THEY

IAN，如果共和黨要看什麼？

GIVE UP ON FOX NEWS?

放棄對福克斯新聞？

>> I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

>> 我真的不知道。

THEY CAN LISTEN TO MY PODCAST.

他們可以聽我的PODC廣播。

>> James: HERE WE GO.

>> 詹姆斯。在這裡，我們去。

MY WEIGHT, SO I'M BASICALLY TRUMP.

我的體重，所以我基本上是特朗普。

>> James: IT LOOKS LIKE REPUBLICANS WILL END UP

>> 詹姆斯。看來共和黨人最終會完蛋的

GAINING QUITE A FEW SEATS IN THE HOUSE, AND AS A

爭取到了不少的席位，並且作為一個新任的政府官員。

RESULT SOME DEMOCRATS ARE PRIVATELY CONSIDERING

結果一些民主黨人正在私下裡考慮。

PLANS TO CHALLENGE NANCY PELOSI AS SPEAKER OF THE

計劃挑戰NANCY PELOSI作為發言人。

HOUSE.

房子：

COMMON, SHE IS ONLY 80 YEARS OLD.

COMMON，她只有80歲。

YOU WOULDN'T BENCH LEBRON IN THIS PRIME.

你不會在這個重要的時刻坐上LEBRON的位置。

[LAUGHTER] >> James: THE CHALLENGER

[笑] >> 詹姆斯：挑戰者

COULD BE CONGRESSMAN AKEEM JEFFRIES, BUT I'LL

可能是議員AKEEM JEFFRIES，但我將

WITHHOLD JUDGMENT UNTIL I CAN SEE HOW SARCASTICLY HE

在我看清他的脾氣之前，暫不評判。

CAN CLAP.

CAN CLAP。

A RETAILER IN THE U.K. HAS INTRODUCED A CHRISTMAS

英國的一家零售商推出了一款聖誕禮物。

SCENE CRONUT, AND IT TRENDED BECAUSE OF THE

場景CRONUT，和它的趨勢，因為它的

NAME THEY DECIDED TO GIVE IT.

他們決定給它起的名字：

IT IS FEATURING SANTA'S BELT REGION, AND THEY'RE

它的特色是聖誕老人的皮帶區域，而他們是。

CALLING IT SANTA'S YUMNUTS.

稱之為聖誕老人的美味。

>> WHAT?

>> 什麼？

>> James: I'M NOT JOKING.

>> 詹姆斯。我不是在開玩笑。

I COULD MAKE IT PAST THE BELT BUCKLE, BUT I CAN'T

我可以讓它通過皮帶扣，但我不能。

MAKE IT PAST THAT NAME.

讓它過去那個名字。

SANTA'S YUMNUTS.

SANTA's YUMNUTS。

IT'S A BELT BUCKLE, AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO CALL

這是個皮帶扣，你要叫什麼？

IT?

IT？

SANTA'S YUMNUTS.

SANTA's YUMNUTS。

SOUNDS LIKE SANTA IS TURNING INTO A BIT OF A

聽起來像是聖誕老人變成了一個比特的。

HO, HO, HO, HO, HO.

何，何，何，何，何。

GOOD NIGHT, GUYS, WE'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

晚安，夥計們，我們明天見。

[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE AND CHEERING]

[笑] [掌聲和歡呼聲]

>> James: THERE IS NOBODY IN THAT MARKETING

>> 詹姆斯。有沒有人在該市場的營銷

MACHINE, IN THE BRAINSTORM SESSIONS, HAD ANY

機器，在BRAINSTORM會議，有任何。

OBJECTIONS TO THIS.

對這個問題的反對意見：

SANTA'S YUMNUTS, COOL.

SANTA's YUMNUTS，COOL。

AND THE SLOGAN IS GOING TO BE, WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO

和SLOGAN將是，你會不會喜歡到

SWALLOW SANTA'S YUMNUTS.

吞下聖誕老人的美味。

WOULD YOU EAT SANTA'S YUMNUTS?

你會吃聖誕老人的糖果嗎？

>> YEAH.

>> 是的。

[LAUGHTER]

[笑聲]