♪ >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, LADIES

AND GENTLEMEN, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME

FRAMING THE MOST INFORMATIVE PANORAMIC SHOTS, AWAITING THE

TOPICAL GOLDEN HOUR TO CAPTURE THE MOST BREATHTAKING STORY

VISTAS, AND ASSEMBLING IT ALL INTO THE DAVID

ATTENBOROUGH-NARRATED NEWS DOCUMENTARY THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE.

BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I GRAB AN OLD CAMCORDER, A SIX-PACK OF

NATTY ICE, AND RUN AROUND THE WOODS HALF-NAKED AND HAMMERED TO

CREATE THE BLURRY, FOUND-FOOTAGE SASQUATCH VIDEO OF NEWS THAT IS

MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, ANOTHER RESTAURANT QUHAIN HAS CLOSED,

FRIENDLIES.

QUARANTINE WHILE, DISNEY RESEARCH JUST UNVEILED A

SKINLESS HUMANOID ROBOT WITH CREEPY LIFE LIKE EYES.

JIMMY, CAN WE SEE IT?

OH, GOD!

I'M SORRY, THAT'S THE NEW C.E.O.

OF DISNEY.

BOB CHAYPEK.

CAN WE LOOK FOR THE ROBOT PHOTO?

WHILE WE'RE WAITING, DISNEY ENGINEERS SAY THEY'RE WORKING

TOWARD "THE DEVELOPMENT OF A SYSTEM FOR LIFELIKE GAZE,"

BECAUSE "PEOPLE WHO MAKE MORE EYE CONTACT WITH US ARE

PERCEIVED TO BE SIMILAR TO US, AS WELL AS MORE INTELLIGENT,

CONSCIENTIOUS, SINCERE, AND TRUSTWORTHY."

ALL RIGHT, DO WE HAVE IT?

GREAT.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ROBOT IN ACTION.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

YEAH, UH-HUH.

I'M REALLY GETTING "SIMILAR TO ME" AND "TRUSTWORTHY" VIBES.

I'M SURE IF WE WERE ON A MARS MISSION TOGETHER, I'D TRUST THIS

THING TO BITE OUT MY THROAT AND SHOVE MY CORPSE OUT THE AIRLOCK.

"NO, I DON'T KNOW WHERE COMMANDER COLBERT IS.

WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME?

I'M JUST A SINCERE, TRUSTWORTHY ROBOT WHO IS SIMILAR TO YOU.

COME, LET'S LOOK IN THE AIRLOCK."

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, BRITISH

HIGH-END STORE MARKS AND SPENSER HAS CREATED THIS SPECIALTY

PASTRY FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

WHICH IS GREAT.

WHAT'S NOT SO GREAT?

THEY ANNOUNCED IT BY TWEETING "WHO WANTS A BITE OF SANTA'S

YUMNUT?" THAT EXACT PHRASE HAS GOTTEN

MANY PEOPLE FIRED AT THEIR OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY.

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A BITE OF SANTA'S YUMNUT, DARLING?

WHAT?

SHE'S MY WIFE.

>> IT'S STILL IN THE WORKPLACE.

>> Stephen: MY APOLOGIES.

I'M SORRY.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE FORCED REEDUCATION CAMP.

I ALSO LIKE THAT THEY WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT SOMEONE STEALING

THE NAME "YUMNUT" THAT THEY TRADEMARKED IT.

(HIGH CLASS BRIT) "QUICK, NIGEL!

SECURE 'YUMNUT' FROM THEFT!

ALSO, LOCK DOWN 'GOBBY HOLE,' 'JAMMY NIPS,' AND 'BUM CRUMPET.'

THERE'S A GOOD LAD."

LEGALLY, EVERYONE IN ENGLAND IS NAMED NIGEL IN COMEDY BITS.

YES, NIGEL!

QUARANTINE-WHILE, A BRITISH WILL LOOK DIFFERENTLY THIS YEAR

BECAUSE THERE'S NO SITTING ON SANTA'S LAP AND A CLEAR SHIELD

BARRIER BETWEEN SANTA AND FAMILIES.

SORRY YOU COULDN'T HUG SANTA.

IT'S NOT SAFE.

SLEEP AND WAIT FOR HIM TO BREAK INTO YOUR HOUSE AND IF YOU'RE

VERY GOOD YOU CAN HAVE A BITE OF HIS YUMNUT.

WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE

ELECTION.

STICK AROUND.

♪ ♪