WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."

I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.

I'M HERE WITH MY FRIENDS MARK AND CHRIS.

SCOTT'S OVER THERE.

EVIE'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

WE'RE TAPING THIS JUST A LITTLE WHILE AFTER DONALD TRUMP WALKED

INTO THE WHITE HOUSE BRIEFING ROOM AND TRIED TO POISON

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY.

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT SITTING DOWN YET.

I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT YET.

THAT'S ALSO WHY I'M DRESSED FOR A FUNERAL.

BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP TRIED REALLY HARD TO KILL SOMETHING

TONIGHT.

AROUND 7:00, THE PRESIDENT CAME OUT INTO THE WHITE HOUSE

BRIEFING ROOM AND LIED FOR 15 MINUTES.

JUST NONSENSE ABOUT ILLEGAL VOTE DUMPS AND CORRUPT ELECTION

OFFICIALS AND SECRET DEMOCRATIC CABALS AND, I DON'T KNOW

LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATES, PROBABLY.

IT'S ALL THE SAME.

IF YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT IT -- THAT JOE BIDEN WAS GETTING

CLOSE TO 270, DONALD TRUMP JUST PROVIDED ALL THE PROOF YOU WILL

EVER NEED.

TRUE STORY: I'M WEARING BLACK, BECAUSE I WAS GETTING DRESSED

THIS AFTERNOON AND I THOUGHT, "HE MIGHT TRY SOME SHENANIGANS

AND IT MIGHT BE FITTING TO TELL JOKES WHILE WEARING SOMETHING

SOMBER IF HE GOES DOWN THAT DARK PATH."

AND I'M NO PROPHET.

IT'S JUST, HE'S SO PREDICTABLE.

FOR WEEKS, WE'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT HOW THERE'D BE A RED

MIRAGE, THEN HOW THE OUTSTANDING BIDEN MAIL-IN BALLOTS WOULD

MAYBE LET JOE CATCH UP.

AND THAT TRUMP WOULD THEN COME OUT PROBABLY THURSDAY AROUND THE

EVENING NEWS AND PRETEND THAT HE WON AND ACCUSE EVERYONE OF

CHEATING.

THE GUY DOESN'T HAVE ANOTHER GEAR.

GET A NEW ACT!

I MEAN, HE SAID THIS STUFF BACK IN 2016!

>> I WILL TOTALLY ACCEPT THE RESULTS OF THIS GREAT AND

HISTORIC PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION...

IF I WIN.

>> STEPHEN: SO, WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.

>> STEPHEN: SO, WE ALL KNEW HE WOULD DO THIS.

WHAT I DID NOT KNOW IS HOW MUCH IT WOULD HURT.

I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS TO BREAK MY HEART.

FOR HIM TO CAST A DARK SHADOW ON OUR MOST SACRED RIGHT.

FROM THE BRIEFING ROOM IN THE WHITE HOUSE-- OUR HOUSE, NOT

HIS-- THAT IS DEVASTATING.

THIS IS HEARTBREAKING FOR THE SAME REASON THAT I DIDN'T WANT

HIM TO GET COVID, CERTAINLY WHY I WANTED HIM TO SURVIVE, BECAUSE

HE IS THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

THAT OFFICE MEANS SOMETHING AND THAT OFFICE SHOULD HAVE SOME

SHRED OF DECENCY.

NOW, WE KNEW HE WOULD LEAVE A STAIN THERE-- AND NOT JUST FROM

HIS BUTT BRONZER-- BECAUSE EVERYTHING HE DID IS NOW

PRESIDENTIAL BEHAVIOR.

INCLUDING THIS.

UNLESS-- UNLESS!-- EVERY SINGLE PERSON REJECTS WHAT HE JUST DID.

AND HAT MEANS, FOR ALL THE PREDICTABLE BEHAVIOR OF THE LAST

FEW DAYS AND THE LAST FOUR YEARS, RIGHT NOW SOMETHING

UNPREDICTABLE NEEDS TO HAPPEN: REPUBLICANS HAVE TO SPEAK UP --

ALL OF THEM.

BECAUSE FOR EVIL TO SUCCEED, ALL THATIS NECESSARY IS FOR GOOD

MEN TO DO NOTHING.

SO SAY SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, REPUBLICANS.

NOT LATER, NOT AFTER YOU'VE STUCK YOUR FINGER UP IN THE WIND

OR WHEREVER YOU WANT TO PUT IT.

RIGHT NOW, IT'S IN YOUR BEST INTEREST.

YOU ONLY SURVIVED THIS UP UNTIL NOW BECAUSE A LOT OF VOTERS

DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE EVERYTHING THAT WAS OBVIOUS TO

SO MANY OF US: THAT DONALD TRUMP IS A FASCIST.

AND WHEN IT COMES TO DEMOCRACY VERSUS FASCISM, THERE ARE NOT

FINE PEOPLE ON BOTH SIDES.

SO YOU NEED TO CHOOSE: DONALD TRUMP OR THE AMERICAN

PEOPLE?

THIS IS THE TIME TO GET OFF THE TRUMP TRAIN.

BECAUSE HE JUST TOLD YOU WHERE THE TRAIN IS GOING, AND IT'S NOT

A PASSENGER TRAIN, BUT HE'LL LOAD YOU ON IT, TOO, SOMEDAY.

IN ABSENCE OF GOOD MEN, HOW ABOUT MITCH MCCONELL?

HAS HE SAID ANYTHING?

WHAT DOES HE SAY?

>> HE DECLINED TO COMMENT.

>> Stephen: HE DECLINED TO COMMENT.

OKAY, MITCH McCONNELL HAS DECLINED TO COMMENT.

THE MAXIM OF THE LAW IS: QUI TACET CONSENTIRE.

WHO IS SILENT, GIVES CONSENT.

SO, MITCH WAS LOUD AND CLEAR.

HE'S OKAY WITH THIS.

IT'S NOT EVEN A HARD CALL.

THIS IS IN YOUR SELF INTEREST TO SUPPORT VOTES BEING COUNTED.

THAT'S HOW YOU GOT YOUR JOBS.

I GUESS MITCH MCCONNELL IS SAYING HE WAS REELECTED THROUGH

FRAUDULENT VOTES AS WELL?

AND HE'S HOLDING ONTO THE SENATE BECAUSE OF FRAUDULENT ELECTIONS

IN OTHER STATES, AND REPUBLICANS PICKED UP SEATS IN THE HOUSE

BECAUSE OF FRAUDULENT ELECTIONS?

SO, CAST THEM ALL OUT?

IS THAT WHAT YOUR SILENCE IS SAYING, MITCH MCCONNELL?

SO AMERICA'S GOING TO COUNT SOMETHING ELSE RIGHT NOW.

WHO IS WILLING TO SPEAK UP.

WHO IS GOING TO SPEAK UP AGAINST DONALD TRUMP TRYING TO KILL

DEMOCRACY, AND WHO WILL STAY SILENT IN THE

FACE OF THIS DESPERATE ATTACK ON THE BEDROCK INSTITUTION OF THIS

GREAT NATION.

BECAUSE HE JUST ATTACKED THE THING THAT MOST MAKES US GREAT.

IT'S TIME TO MEAN WHAT ALL YOUR HATS HAVE BEEN YELLING.

BY THE WAY, IF DONALD TRUMP IS RIGHT AND JOE BIDEN PULLED THE

STRINGS BEHIND THE SCENES IN REPUBLICAN STATES LIKE ARIZONA

AND GEORGIA, WHILE COORDINATING WITH DEMOCRATIC STATES LIKE

PENNSYLVANIA AND NEVADA, AND WISCONSIN AND MICHIGAN, AND

THROWING IN THE RED HERRING OF LETTING THE REPUBLICANS KEEP THE

SENATE AND GAIN SEATS IN THE HOUSE, WHILE JUST BARELY

REMOVING DONALD TRUMP?

WOW!

I MEAN, KUDOS TO THAT LEVEL OF INTERSTATE COORDINATION!

I MEAN, ANYONE WHO COULD ACCOMPLISH THAT MANY THINGS AT

ONCE WOULD REALLY BE THE PRESIDENT WE NEED DURING A

GLOBAL PANDEMIC.

THIS IS WHEN I REALLY WISH I COULD SWEAR.

BUT I'LL JUST SAY THIS: WE'RE NOT GOING TO SHOW YOU A SECOND

OF WHAT THAT SAD, FRIGHTENED FRAUD SAID.

BECAUSE IT IS POISON, AND I LIKE YOU.

HE CAN SUCK SILENCE.

AND HE CAN SUCK MY FROSTED YUMNUT.

THAT REFERENCE IS GOING TO MAKE SENSE LATER.

STAY WITH ME.

AND INSTEAD, I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOMEONE DOING THE RIGHT THING.

THIS HAPPENED YESTERDAY IN NEVADA.

>> AS I MENTIONED, WE ARE NOT PREPARED--

>> THE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY'S STEALING THE ELECTION!

THE MEDIA'S COVERING UP!

JOE BIDEN CRIME FAMILY'S STEALING THIS ELECTION!

THE MEDIA'S COVERING UP!

JOE BIDEN'S COVERING UP THIS ELECTION.

JOE BIDEN IS COVERING UP THIS ELECTION!

HE'S STEALING IT!

>> --WHERE WERE WE?

WHAT WAS THE LAST QUESTION?

( LAUGHTER ) THAT GUY OUT IN FRONT OF THE

MICs I JOE GLORIA, THE REGISTRAR OF CLARK COUNTY,

NEVADA.

HE LET THAT GUY SPEW HIS CRAZY TILL HE WAS TIRED, WATCHED HIM

WALK AWAY, AND THEN JOE GLORIA TOOK A DEEP BREATH, AND DID HIS

JOB.

WHICH IS WHAT WE SHOULD ALL DO.

STAY COOL.

OKAY, NOW LET'S DO THE MONOLOGUE.

>> BIDEN CRIME FAMILY, BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

BIDEN CRIME FAMILY...

THAT'S ALL I GOT.

( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: OKAY, WHERE WERE WE?

EVEN BEFORE IL DOUCHIE LUMBERED TO THE PODIUM, AMERICA WAS

EXPERIENCING SOME HIGHLY-REFINED, WEAPONS-GRADE

ANXIETY BECAUSE, WHILE THINGS WERE LOOKING GOOD FOR BIDEN, AS

OF 8:30 P.M., THE RACE REMAINS ON A RAZOR'S EDGE.

SO, NOT ONLY IS IT STRESSFUL, IT'S IRRESPONSIBLE.

AMERICA SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR SHARP OBJECTS.

THEY SHOULD TAKE AWAY OUR SHOELACES AND OUR BELT.

A REMINDER: TO WIN THE PRESIDENCY, A CANDIDATE NEEDS

270 ELECTORAL VOTES.

AS I RECORD TONIGHT'S ZOETROPE, BIDEN HAS 253.

BIDEN IS SO CLOSE TO VICTORY, HE CAN SMELL ITS HAIR.

ONE KEY STATE IS ARIZONA.

BIDEN IS AHEAD.

IN FACT, SEVERAL NEWS ORGANIZATIONS HAVE ALREADY

CALLED THE STATE FOR HIM.

THE TRUMP FOLKS STILL INSIST THEY HAVE A CHANCE, BUT EVEN

REPUBLICAN-FRIENDLY ESTIMATES SAY TRUMP HAS A STEEP UPHILL

BATTLE TO CLOSE THE GAP.

AND THE ONLY THING MORE CHALLENGING THAN A STEEP UPHILL

BATTLE FOR TRUMP WOULD BE A STEEP DOWNHILL WADDLE.

THEN THERE'S NEVADA, WHERE BIDEN'S AHEAD, BUT NOT BY MUCH.

HE CURRENTLY LEADS BY ABOUT 12,000 VOTES, WITH THE MAJORITY

OF THE VOTES LEFT FROM THE LAS VEGAS AREA.

BUT IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT TRUMP DIDN'T TAKE VEGAS.

WHENEVER TRUMP IS NEAR A CASINO, HE LOSES EVERYTHING.

ANOTHER STATE WE'RE WAITING ON IS GEORGIA, WHICH AWARDS 16

ELECTORAL VOTES.

NOW IT'S A TOSS-UP.

PER THE GEORGIA STATE CONSTITUTION, THEIR ELECTION

CANNOT BE ULTIMATELY DECIDED UNTIL ALL MAIL-IN VOTES ARE

TABULATED AND ONE CANDIDATE HAS DEFEATED THE DEVIL IN A FIDDLE

CONTEST.

BUT THE KEY RACE IS THE KEYSTONE STATE, PENNSYLVANIA.

BIDEN'S HOME STATE.

RIGHT NOW, TRUMP LEADS, BUT AS THEY COUNT THE MAIL-IN BALLOTS,

BIDEN IS RAPIDLY CLOSING THE GAP.

IF BIDEN WINS, HE'LL RECEIVE AN ELECTION-DECIDING 20 ELECTORAL

VOTES.

PER THE PENNSYLVANIA CONSTITUTION, THAT'S ONE FOR

EVERY CAR THEY'LL FLIP OVER IN PHILLY, NO MATTER WHO WINS.

BUT NO SURPRISE, TRUMP IS ALREADY CLAIMING HE WON

PENNSYLVANIA, AMONG OTHER STATES, TWEETING, "WE HAVE

CLAIMED, FOR ELECTORAL VOTE PURPOSES, THE COMMONWEALTH OF

PENNSYLVANIA-- WHICH WON'T ALLOW LEGAL OBSERVERS-- THE STATE OF

GEORGIA, AND THE STATE OF NORTH CAROLINA, EACH ONE OF WHICH

HAS A BIG TRUMP LEAD.

ADDITIONALLY, WE HEREBY CLAIM THE STATE OF MICHIGAN IF, IN

FACT, THERE WAS A LARGE NUMBER OF SECRETLY DUMPED BALLOTS AS

HAS BEEN WIDELY REPORTED!" YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMETHING

OFFICIAL JUST BY USING FANCY-SOUNDING WORDS LIKE

"HEREBY."

"FOR ELECTORAL VOTE PURPOSES, I FORTHWITH, HERETOFORE, HITHERTO,

AND TWO-BY-FOUR, CALL THE LAST CHOCOLATE DONUT.

MY LAWYERS ARE COMING IN TO LICK IT."

SPEAKING OF LAWYERS WHO CAN LICK IT, YESTERDAY, TRUMP SENT A

SPECIAL-OPS TEAM TO PHILADELPHIA: SECOND FIRST SON

AND MAN GETTING DUMPED OVER ZOOM, ERIC TRUMP, AND ATTORNEY

TO THE PRESIDENT AND MAN ASKING A RAT IF IT'S GOING TO FINISH

THAT COCKROACH, RUDY GIULIANI.

AND ERIC REVEALED THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN'S MASTER PLAN:

>> WE ARE GOING TO FILE SUIT IN PENNSYLVANIA.

IT'S A SHAME HAVE TO DO THAT.

IT'S THE LAST THING THAT WE WANTED TO DO, IT'S THE LAS

THING MY FATHER WANTED TO TO.

>> STEPHEN: TECHNICALLY, THE LAST THING YOUR FATHER WANTED DO

IS GO TO YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY.

BUT IF THIS WAS THE LAST THING HE WANTED TO DO, WHY WAS IT THE

FIRST THING HE SAID?

>> WE'RE GOING TO GO IN THE NIGHT OF, AS SOON AS THAT

ELECTION'S OVER, WE'RE GOING IN WITH OUR LAWYERS.

>> STEPHEN: AND SINCE YOUR LAWYER IS RUDY, I ASSUME BY

"GOING IN," YOU MEAN PRISON.

THEN, RUDY GOT TESTY.

>> THE ULTIMATE RESULT IS, PRESIDENT TRUMP HAS WON

PENNSYLVANIA.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF A COUNT WHERE YOU'RE HEADED BY 400,000

WITH 80%-PLUS COUNTED AND THEY HAVEN'T CALLED IT FOR YOU YET.

DO YOU THINK WE'RE STUPID?

DO YOU THINK WE ARE FOOLS?

p>> STEPHEN: IS THAT A TRICK QUESTION?

BEAUSE...

YES?

YOU BUTT-DIALED REPORTERS, TWICE!

YOU VOLUNTARILY APPEARED ON A TELEVISION SHOW THAT I EXECUTIVE

PRODUCE THAT IS ANCHORED BY CARTOONS.

TWICE!

YOU WERE DUPED BY SACHA BARON COHEN, ONCE!

I THINK, BECAUSE JUDGING BY YOUR LOWER TEETH, YOUR DENTIST

TRAINED IN KAZAKHSTAN, AS A VETERINARIAN.

TRUMP NEEDS HELP ANYWHERE HE CAN GET IT, INCLUDING DIVINE

INTERVENTION.

AND HE HAS THE SUPPORT OF HIS "SPIRITUAL ADVISER" AND REAL